The Timelessness of Grief.

December 5, 2017

This is what grief is like.

It's a day like any other day, nothing special. It's not anyone's birthday or anniversary of anything. It's not a holiday; just nothing. I'm minding my own business, working from home as I have for nearly four years now. I'm not thinking of how sad my life is. I'm just thinking, how can I get my to-do list done.

Then out of nowhere, the feeling of him in the world pops into my heart. I try to brush it off and then I see his face, his sparkling eyes and hear his laughter. Suddenly tears are running down my face. I miss my little Hans sooo much! It is tangible, real! I feel like I lost him yesterday. And that's not unusual really. I feel like his brothers were just little boys yesterday too. This moment lasts for a minute or fifty. In that span of time, I relive the magic of having him, of getting to be his mother and now his ambassador to the world. I've been doing my best to tell them--live life fully, stay present and cherish your loved ones. Life is short! Enjoy it! I'm doing my best! In that moment, I know he is still here...in my heart but it still hurts too.

The gift and the loss are all wrapped up together. Pain and joy, loneliness and gratitude, disconnected and connected--all at the same time! That's what grief is like. 17 years is like a day and a day is like 17 years! It is timeless and messy! It doesn't have an agenda but to remind us how precious life is, how precious our loved ones are and to grab the moments when we can.

And one more thing...to be kind and patient with those who grieve. Letting go, remembering and celebrating while also feeling the pain....it all takes time and courage and strength. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Everyone carries a heavy load.

GRATITUDE MONTH #30: final entry--PETE

I saved the BEST for last! Today I share with you my deep, humble gratitude for my husband, my partner, my friend Pete! I will spend eternity giving thanks to God for this man in my life! Love, hope, joy, peace---he lives all these things. And of course he drives me crazy too but I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I am so honored to call Pete my partner for life! Nothing has brought me more joy than living life with him, creating family, working together, finding home. 

Thank you God for Pete! I am so grateful!

Below is a poem I wrote for our 26th Anniversary, that I think is worth repeating--or re-Pete-ing.  Love you, Pete!

He is Pete

He is the tortoise who will win the race against the hare.

He is the knight in shining armor who will cut through the thorns

 and tangle of vines to wake the sleeping beauty.

He is the navigator, the one that keeps the ship from running aground.

His love runs deep, his commitment is unshakeable,

His tenderness is healing,

He is the rock on which this family stands.

He is the full moon on the calm sea.

He is the stars twinkling in my eyes.

He is the secret behind my smile.

He is the arms of God wrapping me in grace.

He is the depth of my joy and the muse of my wisdom.

His love nurtures me, gives me pleasure in life, and challenges me to grow with integrity.

He is the waves crashing on my shore.

He knows the way to unlock my wild passion.

He honors my gifts and worships my beauty as if I am really golden.

He sings my praises in the marketplace and whispers our love to his friends.

He is my heart of hearts, my joy of joys, the love of my life, the friend I could never imagine.

He is Pete.

July 25, 2007

Happy 26^th Anniversary!

Love, JJ

GRATITUDE MONTH #29: CHALLENGES

This is my second to the last entry in my Gratitude Month challenge. I've mentioned beauty, wonder, grace and sweet people but I haven't talked about challenges. What about life's mess and life's challenges? Am I grateful for those? Not always. Sometimes I run as fast as I can from those. But when I do stay, when I do welcome the challenge and sit with the discomfort, I find I am grateful. 

Wait! What? 

Yes, I said grateful. I'm thankful for the challenge.

Let me see if I can give a couple examples:

• In part of my life, I'm a computer, graphic design, desktop publisher, website person. That means that sometimes my coworker is a computer that refuses to listen to a word I say or do a single thing that I want. And that challenges me, to try harder, to think farther outside the box and sometimes to ask for help. It challenges me to ask for the excellence and connection I desire. And that's something I'm not good at in all of the my life. I have a lot to learn about asking for, demanding the excellence that I know can be (Not perfection but also not sloppiness). The idiot of a machine helps me celebrate the beautiful vision I have inside. 
• Some of my life is focused on relationships; family, extended family, friends. Relationships are messy at best and devastating at their worst. I hate conflict! But when I don't run, when I stay for the struggle and sit with the discomfort, when I stay to listen to the other's story and  ask the hard questions: "what is the most loving thing to do now? " I learn that there is oh so much more to love and grace than I could possibly have imagined.
• 150 boxes--Last year I went through and got rid of most of the contents of 150 boxes in my basement. That was very challenging, one of the hardest things I've ever done. It felt like ripping band aids off every day. I wanted so many times to just walk away and just let the stuff be there like it always had been. but I stayed and I kept at it and one day, I realized that letting go felt better than hanging on and now I have breathing space and an extra play space for my grandchildren. It gives me hope that i can let go again in the future and even more space will open up.
• Grief--I think the best challenge has been sitting with grief...both my own and others. We want so badly to smooth it over, make it feel better. But when I sit gently on the couch with grief for awhile, I realize how precious the people are that I've lost and my compassion for how much I've had to say goodbye grows. And self-compassion does a lot for healing and finding peace! I am grateful for all the wonderful lessons grief has taught me.

Yep! that's me hiking the cliffs at Devil's Lake St. Park, WI

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the hardest, mostly challenging things to work for have held the key to something I really value, something that ultimately I am deeply grateful for. Like climbing the mountain is worth it for the view and perspective AND to discover I am strong enough to get there!

Then suddenly the challenge becomes part of the abundance. And that's a divine grace in my book! I think that's part of how God's love redeems us, by turning the struggle into a gift.

GRATITUDE MONTH #28: a SONG/PRAYER OF THANKS

This beautiful song by my dear friend Barbara McAfee is based on this quote: 

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." - Meister Eckhart 

Barbara hits the nail on the head and kind of seals this month of gratitude with a note of wonderful gratitude! How great is that she did this in the rain! 

thank you Barbara!

GRATITUDE MONTH #27: PEANUT BUTTER

It all started with my dad. He loved peanut butter and I loved him! It was an easy sell all the way around. We lived in Madagascar so we made our own food, including peanut butter. 

Here's how the process went. We started by going to the market, which in the capital city Tananarive where we lived, was at the bottom of a very long flight of stairs. Walking through the open air market, with all the sights and sounds and smells was an adventure in itself. We'd buy a couple kilos of peanuts, still in the shell and still quite raw. 

Once back home, we had to shell the peanuts. This meant sitting and pressing on those shells with your hands or a hammer until you were tired. But of course, Dad has stories to tell and it was family time in the kitchen with Mom. I loved these times. After all the shelling was done, then came the roasting. Dad watched this part like a hawk. Much later in my life, I have realized how important this part is. If you don't roast them enough, they aren't as good but you have to get them out of the oven before they burn too. Tricky business! To this day I choose my peanut butter by the quality of the roast color I see through the jar.

Then, we had to rub off the skins! That part is pretty easy. And then comes the grinding. We used to use an old fashioned meat/food grinder with hand crank. It had different inserts with three different sized holes so we could get it finer. It was my job to hold down the stool that the grinder was attached to and spoon the peanuts into the grinder while Dad cranked away. We put it through the grinder three times. It was Mom's job to have fresh bread ready by the time the peanut butter was ready! 

I've been in love with peanut butter ever since! If you have ever lived with me or near me, you know that I still eat more peanut butter than the average bear! It's a love affair that will never end. And it goes with everything...well almost everything. I eat it with fruit, rice, oatmeal, veggies and of course bread & jelly.

So grateful for peanuts and peanut butter!

GRATITUDE MONTH #26: THREE LITTLE-BIG THINGS

Gratitude Month #26: Three Little-Big Things

The TECHNOLOGY that allows me to share my thoughts with you and read yours—phones, computers, social media, blogs etc. I know it is not perfect, that it can cause headaches or nervous breakdowns, that we can abuse this as well as anything we’ve ever had. AND it is also a gift, a wonderful gift, to be able to connect with others, even on days when I can’t afford to get out for lunch or spend hours on the phone. I am grateful.

I’m grateful for DREAMS for creativity, for having ideas come that offer new and different ways of looking at things. I love that after however many millennia we've been on this earth, humans are still thinking of new ways, still creating as the creator gives us vision to do so. For instance, I’m so glad that when there is healing to be done, immediately many people start imagining and praying for what will bring that healing. And then one day, we put our heads together and allow the miracle of it to happen.

I’m grateful for the incredible ABILITY OF THE HUMAN BODY TO HEAL. Our generous Creator had given us so much to work with. And I pray that I will get better at taking care of this body of mine and allowing it the proper avenues for healing to happen. It blows my mind that people battle cancer, get new hips and knees replaced, come back from stroke and devastating illness! I am so grateful for this gift of healing and pray that all of us find our way to be part of it.

And then there is the mystery of how sometimes, technology encourages the dream to grow and become real and as the dream is realized, the body heals. 

with gratitude,

jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#25: TODAY'S LITTLE REMINDER

In a conversation this morning, an old truth bubbled up to the surface. It was this wisdom I had learned from a little girl with a big heart. 

You don't have to wait to grow up; you don't have to wait to have enough money or be rich; you don't even really have to know what you are doing to make a difference. Just follow your heart and when you need it, ask for help from friends.

She didn't tell me this. I just learned it from watching her work and live. I mean, if we all waited until everything was just right, we would never get anything done.

Today, I am grateful for this little reminder, this piece of wisdom. What a relief to know I don't have to wait for the perfect conditions. I can just start from my heart and move from there. And there is no need to judge my success on my speed of movement. I will move on as I am able. 

I wish you the same grace for your dreams and projects and even for your obligations that are waiting for you. 

Peace!

Jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#24: SUNRISES & SUNSETS

My favorite color is sunset! Indeed! 

The bright orange and pink of a sunrise can send my nightmares away and invite me to the joy of a new day. What's not to like about a day that starts with a brilliant feast of color--apricot, cantaloupe, mango, coral, salmon, tangerine, purple, pink, lavender, pomegranate, raspberry--the list goes on and on!

And then, as if to reassure me all is well, the day ends with another feast of colors in the sky! My husband, who knows how much this feeds my soul, calls me on his way home to remind me to watch the sunset! It is such a treasure. 

I've literally taken hundreds of photos of both the sunrise and sunset. I will never get tired of watching the sun play with the clouds and sky. I will never tire of this endless gift of color and light! Never!

It doesn't matter where you are--the sun is always rising and setting. It's nice to have an ocean or a mountain but you don't need one. A cityscape is enlightened as well as a lake! The farm field, the roof of the humble barn, the trees and snow in winter, the skyscrapers, and your face all reflect the glow of the golden star that blesses us every day!

Wallowing in the joy, 

jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#23: MYSTERIOUS MARVELOUS HOPE

GRATITUDE MONTH #23: Mysterious Marvelous Hope

I wake up to the light of a rising sun
Already my subconscious is calling me to the LIST
Already nagging me about how far behind I am
Could I go any slower? 
The obvious answer is yes!

Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes
I ignore the piles I must walk around
to get to the next part of my day
Some days my life just seems
Like one long to-do list
Running through a never-ending pile
Of life's stuff

Then suddenly, the fog lifts 
I find myself working on a project
that's been on hold for two years!?!
It is a complete mystery to me
how this has come about 
And yet here I am making progress
AT LAST! and it feels GREAT!

The patience of our better selves
The patience of grace to plow through the mess
The tenacity of hope for the dream
I wish I could claim credit for it
But I can't. It's a divine grace.

I can only work with gratitude
for the energy and motivation
to tackle the task in the now!
I can only pray for more of this
MYSTERIOUS MARVELOUS HOPE
and the strength to follow through.

with gratitude for this day,

jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#22: A THANKSGIVING PRAYER

Happy Thanksgiving!--part 3
I found this Thanksgiving Prayer in my archives. I wrote it on November 23, 2001, a year after Hans died. It is obvious the effect that the loss of this little boy had on me! I want to share it with you now. I know it doesn't suit everyone's situation. I know that this day is about family and togetherness and there are many who don't or can't have that for all kinds of reasons. I know, for some this day will be painful or a mixture of all kinds of feelings. Wherever you are today, I pray that you can reach your hand out at some point and touch someone and be able to say "thank you." In my humble opinion, life doesn't get any better than that. 

Here is my Thanksgiving Prayer/Meditation:

Take a deep breath,
Slow down your thoughts,
Take another deep breath, and another,
You have just taken in again God’s gift of life.
Every breath is a gift, a sacrament,
And every plant on the earth provides the oxygen,
And provides the food,
All are a part of the gift of life God gives us. 

In a few moments we will be strengthened
By the feast that we are about to eat.
We will be doubly blessed and doubly strengthened
By sharing this feast with loved ones. 

Reach out your hands now to the person on either side of you.
Feel the energy of the love that passes
Through your hands.
God has blessed us with this amazing fantastic family.
We thank God for the gift of those who we wish were with us here today.
Let us pray the table prayer
which Hans helped us learn from his prayer book. 

 “God we thank you for this food,For rest and home and all things good,For wind and rain and sun above,But most of all for those we love.” 

 While we continue holding hands
Each person look to the left and
Thank God for the person next to you
And for one other thing
Until the circle is complete.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#21: the NORTHEAST TURKEYS

Happy Turkey Day--Part 2!

After considering these magnificent creatures neighbors for several years, I have mixed feelings about dinner later. I guess I will say an extra thank you to my turkey friends for their contribution to this day.

At some point in the history of our crazy English language, we decided to make fun of people by saying "you turkey!" I don't know why. Over the last 10 years, the wild turkey population in our inner-city neighborhood has grown considerably. The last couple years a pretty good sized group of them has been roosting in trees on our block. Some mornings 15 to 20 turkeys walk through our yard just after flying down out of the trees across the street. They are stunning creatures and though they can leave messes on the sidewalks, it somehow makes me happy that we live in a natural enough environment for the turkeys to consider this their home too. 

HAPPY TURKEY DAY FROM THE NORTHEAST TURKEYS!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#20: THE GIFT OF GRATITUDE

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!--Part 1
The Gifts of Gratitude and Time

On November 1st, I decided to take up this challenge, to write about something I'm thankful for every day in November, including the actual Thanksgiving day! This is harder than I thought it would be. With so many things to be thankful for, I figured it would be easy to just give thanks for one thing a day. And in a way, it is easy, but giving time to writing about those things isn't. And this makes me think, the world needs to slow down even more than I originally thought. We need time to notice those things, those people in our lives, those things that make life rich and abundant and sweet. And then we need time to sit and adore those things...lift them up out into the open....so that we can share that praise both with those we love and with others. 

A life of gratitude is a life of abundance. A life of gratitude is a life of peace and hope. For our own sanity, for our own honor, for the sake of others' hope and peace, we need this Thanksgiving time, every day. A life of gratitude leaves me feeling as if life is enough, I am enough, there is enough for everyone. Abundance indeed! And so I will continue on, (though I have missed a few days) with my commitment to writing about something I'm grateful for every day. 

Today, I am simply grateful for time; this time to sit and write for a moment! What a luxury it is! Time is illusive and hard to grasp so I give thanks this moment for this moment! So grateful!

I invite you to cherish whatever time you have tomorrow to stop, ponder and just give thanks! for life! for love! for all of it!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#19: ORNAMENTAL GRASS

These ornamental grasses are in my yard. And each time I look at them, I am just grateful! It's not the same in a photo but perhaps as you look here, they will speak to your heart too. So beautiful!

The more I spend time with nature, the more I am stunned by the abundance of it all, the glory, the beauty, strength. It makes me feel like the world has much more to offer, like I am rich indeed. 

I am so grateful for these grasses in my yard that remind me of this abundant world.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#18: CAMILLA'S CHRISTMAS CACTUS

These are my mom's, Camilla's, Christmas Cactus plants. We inherited them when she moved into the nursing home...a long time ago. (She died in 2007, 10 years ago) I don't know how old they are but likely 15 to 20 years old. I have never moved them to new pots. They just keep on living and I couldn't be more grateful, especially for the way they live!

Simple succulents with 
sections of small green leaves
sitting patiently in their tiny pots of old soil
trusting me to water them 
and the sun to shine
waiting, waiting in silence
staying green throughout the year, 
living on what little they get
then as darkness closes in on the year 
and the days grow short
the season shifts to cold 
and colder and holidays
then...then bright pink buds emerge
exploding like fireworks 
at the ends of the branches
shining their joy all over 
my gray cold fall days
bringing memories of 
Camilla's green thumb, her joy
bringing expectations
 of celebrations to come

Christmas Cactus
I give thanks for you!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#17: FRIDAYS with the GRANDS

Friday Fun for 4! or....Fridays with the Grands!

In September 2016, as Pete was backing off of work and I was in the middle of helping with daycare for the grand-kids, we began a new tradition in our family. We asked if the grands could come to our house on Fridays--both of them! They are Solveig & Wendell, first cousins, 4 months apart in age. We LOVE having them over for our Friday Fun days!

At this stage of the tradition, it goes something like this:

Breakfast is full of giggles and feet pushing against the table. Soon after there are toys all over the floor, the favorites changing as they kiddos change. Solveig leads the frequent visits to the kitchen for more snacks and meals. Wendell leads the effort to turn on all the lights in the house, however high the switches are. Feeding the fish, legos, animals, cars, balls, playing piano, etc. They love playing with us and over the months get closer and closer to playing with each other. Sometimes we even get them both napping at once in the afternoon, sometimes. Two such different kids, both precious and beautiful. We love this time to get to know them, for them to know us, to stop our serious adult lives and just be grandparents. How lucky we are! And there are lessons to learn.

These little ones live in the moment, ALWAYS! They stay in the moment even though every moment is about growing, becoming, learning how to be more me in the next moment. They are spontaneous, inviting us to give in to our urges to run and jump, to suddenly leap for a hug or grab a book to enjoy together. They find joy in the simplest things and sometimes the messy things---jumping on couches, throwing toys, tasting and dropping new foods on the floor. They live a life not measured but embraced. Life is now.

Two who are two have a lot of energy and curiosity. And these two grandparents love every minute!

I am so grateful, so thankful for this gift of Fridays with the Grands!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#16: MY SISTER, VANGIE!

Today, I'm thankful for my sister Vangie! She was nearly 12 when I was born. She's short, looks like my dad's sisters. I'm tall, look my brothers I guess. She's got curly hair and bad eyesight. I've got straight hair and great eyesight but mom's bad hearing. Outside we look nothing alike but inside, there is so much connection! 

We also have 4 brothers but I have to say that without Vangie, our family would have lost track of each other long ago. Though we've never had much opportunity to live together or even near each other, I feel as close to her as I can imagine any sister being. She's the rock of this family. And what a beautiful rock she is! She's a mother, grandmother, artist, nurse, and a massage therapist. She makes laughing easy and the world light!

My sister has been my second mother, my adviser and when I grew up she became my playmate and friend. If it hadn't been for her unfailing effort to stay in touch over the long distances, and long periods without even seeing each other, I wouldn't know my family at all! 

My sister is love itself! I'm so grateful for this incredible person, this stunning woman. Thanks Vangie! I am so grateful!

love, jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#15: REFLECTIONS

I'm pausing today to give thanks for Reflections! There has always been something magical to me about visual reflections. The ones you most often notice are probably when you are at the lake at dawn. But you can find them in puddles, windows, mirrors, and even the shiny surface of your car. 

Each time I pause to look at a reflection it expands my understanding, it alters my view of the world. Puddle reflections expand the depth of the shallow waters. Sunset reflections magnify the color. And even when the surface is not flat or calm, the texture that the reflection creates makes me pause to wonder.


My inner reflections grow deeper as i engage more in the visual reflections. It just seems like a gift that keeps on giving and giving. Abundance indeed! I am sooo thankful for all of this beauty! 

Reflections! (18 slides in slideshow--Enjoy!)

GRATITUDE MONTH--#14: MY FRIENDS

Friendship!
Hearts united by the mutual joy!
Dancing together through the messes of life!
My friends!

They are beautiful!
Of course!

I couldn't be more grateful for the stunning and incredible people that I get to be close to; especially these last ten years!

Singing, laughing, crying, groaning and growing together! Celebrating, honoring, challenging and reaching out to each other! My sisters of heart lift me up when I am down, remind me in a very nice way that it is not all about me AND it is all about me. And just like in the picture, they free me to dance to my own rhythm, to play, to be fully myself while also returning the favor. And what a great dance it is! They bring me hope, give me love and in the midst of their own mess find a way to give me wisdom. Friends are the best possible idea God/Love ever had! 

Thank you to all of you! 

I couldn't have made it this far without you! 

Today, I am grateful for FRIENDS!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#13: THE OCEAN

I was born on an island
During my childhood, 
I lived by the ocean
With the beach always in sight
Daydreaming from my desk
Or from the treetops at dawn
To see the sunrise over it
Pausing at dusk to watch it dance
With the orange sun again

Whether waking or sleeping
Always hearing that heartbeat
Waves continually crashing
The heartbeat of the earth
And that breath, the breath of God
Breathing in, breathing out

She teaches me of wholeness
Of gentleness hidden within strength, of passion
Of depth hidden below the surface
Of being powerful, yet movable
Of being playful and open
Always moving and adapting
Supporting life, creating life, 

The roots of my childhood 
Lie deep in the sea
And my soul is cradled in her arms
Lifted by the sight and smell of her
I am so grateful for the ocean!
What a pleasure it is 
to know she lives on!

Today, I give thanks for the SEA!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#12: MY OTHER MOTHER

I am grateful for Charlotte Bonde!

I call her my "Other Mother" because mother-in-law does not do her justice. I met my husband when we were yet 18 and shortly after that I met his mother when he took me home with him to attend his brother Bill's wedding. That makes 39 years that I've been one of Charlotte's many children.

I couldn't ask for a better Other Mother! She's kind and generous, patient, open to change as it is needed, and deeply committed to her family and her faith. She's always been active in her community as she has time and energy for. And she keeps her door open to her family, almost 24-7! And on top of it, she treated my mother as one of her own after my dad died and included her in all of the Bonde festivities. She listens to me. She talks to me. She even reads my blog! Wow!

That was above and beyond the call of Other Motherhood. I hold her up as one of my examples to follow of how to live in the world, to live in community and in faith and love.

So today, I'm grateful for my Other Mother, Charlotte Bonde!

GRATITUDE MONTH--DAY #11: SONGS & SINGING

I just came away from attending a symposium at a local church about how music influences our spiritual experience and how songs create social change. It raised awareness in me again of how precious singing and songs are to me. I started with parents who sang together. We sang together as a family regularly. My parents sang in the car on long trips, their harmony was beautiful. I remember my sister teaching me songs when I was very young and she was a teenager. I still remember those songs. But it didn't stop there. I grew up in a community that sang together a lot, most of it the form of spiritual songs or hymns, a lot of it in worship but not all. We sang for the fun of it too. And as an adult, I sing a LOT, church choir, voices of women, Singing in the Light, Morning Star Singers, and Village Fire Songfest. And oh the songs! How they fill my heart and sustain my life!

So today I thought I would make list of favorite Song Friends that have offered me strength, wisdom, courage and so much more over the years. Though not a complete list, here is a start: 

Jesus Loves Me (in Malagasy & English)

               Probably the first song I ever heard as it was my mom’s all-time favorite. She sang it often, even as we got older, even as she was aging. It seemed to be all she ever needed to know was that she was loved. And that was enough.

Children of the Heavenly Father

               This is the first song I remember my sister Vangie teaching me. It was precious to me then and is now. Children of the Heavenly Father, safely in his bosom gather.

White Choral Bells

               I had no idea what white coral bells were but singing a round with my sister was magical when I was 5 and she was 16. Sweetness!

Music Alone Shall Live

               Another treasure from sister, this one planted that thought in my heart that music as forever, nothing could ever stop it.

When It’s too Hot for Popcorn

               A goofy ditty from Dad that helped me understand that humor was part of life’s package. “It ain’t no sin, to take off your skin and dance around in your bones.”

How Great Thou Art

               In first grade, at our missionary kids’ boarding school, this was one of the first things I remember Milla Thompson teaching us. She had it on a giant size board book with photos. The photos helped me know write away this was a song about stars, thunder, mountains and singing!

My Faith Looks Up to Thee

               This sweet little old hymn was one of my first personal prayers when I discovered the spiritual side of life, when I discovered faith was something in me. “May thy rich grace impart, strength to my fainting heart.” A wonderful prayer indeed.

Amahl & the Night Visitors Soundtrack

               My family listened to this opera on LP each Christmas and the songs in it became part of my skin. “Licorice, licorice, licorice…have some!”

In the Hall of the Mountain King,

               This is one of my most favorite piano pieces by Edvard Grieg, Norwegian composer. I memorized it for my senior piano recital. Oh, how I wish I knew it now.

How Can I keep From Singing

               This old traditional hymn as such precious words and carries that same thought of music lasting beyond all of life’s perils. I sang this nightly to my son Hans as he was dying of brain cancer at age 11. And now it lives in my heart forever.

Goodnight to you all

               And speaking of Hans, my sister gave our family this precious song gift when she visited our dying son. Hans learned it too and sang it with us up until about his last day. “May angels around you their silent watch keep.”

Surrounding You

               Barbara McAfee wrote this song and 2 or3 days later taught it to Morning Star Singers during a practice. By the end of line 2 I was sobbing, suddenly feeling as if my dead parents were sending me this precious message from the other side. “I wish you courage for the next step and the next, peace in the middle of the storm.” Until this moment, I had never looked at myself as a precious child, through the parents’ eyes. Whoa!

Hallelujah Chorus

               I’ve enjoyed so many times of singing this timeless song. My favorite experience though was singing it alongside the Malagasy choir in Ft. Dauphin one Christmas. Oh, what joyful noise we made!

It’s Been a Good Day

               Best line—“I may not have done all that I wanted to do, but oh, it’s been a mighty good day!”

Pass It On

               This song was a popular campfire song when I was a teen. But I loved that idea that just a spark of love, of God’s love, could ignite a whole fire, a whole crowd with love.

This Little Light of Mine

               I’m still learning this one, not how to sing it but how to live it, how to shine!

We Shall overcome

               For many years at our current congregation, the Senior choir sang this with the Little kid’s choir during Lent. I cry every time I sing it with those kids, touched by the idea that all the generations do have this hope that together we will do better, be better.

Sanctuary

               This is the precious song we sing each time we start a practice or sing with Morning Star Singers. “with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you.” This is regular prayer for me now.

Yes

               Barbara McAfee’s anthem delights and invites me to live out in the light, in the Yesses. And she’s right, the yeses of life bring amazing opportunities for living.

Holy Angels

               Sara Thomsen’s precious lullaby wraps us all in a blanket of love as we fall into sleep or death. Yum!

There's more, there's so much more but you get the idea! but with all this and more, how can I possibly keep from singing?!

GRATITUDE MONTH--DAY #10: MY MADAGASCAR/MISSIONARY FAMILY

That's me...Little Julie, front row, 4th from the right, white dress, white sandals. This is either 1st or 2nd grade for me.

This is the American School in Ft. Dauphin (now Tolagnaro), Madagascar. All the parents of these kids are Lutheran missionaries. This was boarding school for all us Lutheran missionary kids. We lived here together about nine months of the year (minus Christmas break) while we went to school. The adults in the back rows were our house parents and teachers. From year to year, as people came and went, the group changed a little but mostly these are the people I grew up knowing. They're part of my 2nd family and I am grateful! They're not perfect but they are, in my heart, family. We took care of each other, played together and prayed together. It was hard being away from our parents and I know I wouldn't have survived it at all without some of these people. 

This is where I learned first learned what it means to be family, to be community, to live in harmony. This is where I first learned about friendship. They're a crazy bunch, these missionary kids, but they're my bunch. And I am one of them.

It would take a book to tell all the stories, but today, I just wanted to say, I'm grateful for this experience, for these people, my 2nd family, my Madagascar/missionary family!