For better or worse

In just a few days, I'll be exactly 6 months past my 50 birthday. Recently, we celebrated the 28th anniversary of our wedding. It's been 33 years since I arrived in the United States My youngest son is a senior in high school this year. What's my point? I guess all these numbers seem to mean that I "should" be all grown up and done with what appears to be petty little whiny grievances on my part. I'm too fat, I'm not productive enough. I'm not socially polished. I'm certainly not successful by standards of career and money. I'm all of 50 and still often feel as competent as when I was 5. I'm still looking up to all the big people in my life wishing I could be like them...wishing I could be one of them. Except that now, some of those big people are younger than me; quite a bit younger. Everyone around me looks so confident, easy with people and able to function so well in this place and time. Me? I still trip over my own feet and my own passion.

In a month, we'll observe the 9th anniversary of our son's death. I have learned more in the last nine years about living, faith, God, community and love than I learned in the previous 41 years all put together. It hasn't been comfortable learning but it's been learning. I know I've been transformed. I know I've been loved more than I deserve. But the more i know, the more capable and qualified I get, the less confidence I have, the less I know. I feel like I'm paddling forward but my kayak is going backwards.

Of course there is no magic age at which one arrives at a particular stage. Hans seems to have done what he came to do in just 11 1/2 short years. Meanwhile, it took my mother nearly 89 years to get her life all laid out. So I can challenge myself on the number thing. But do I have to be the clumsiest oaf in the neighborhood?

If you live in my neck of the woods, you might see a roundish, middle-aged woman walking down the street with scars on her knees and shins and gaping holes in her ego. It might be me or there might be more than one of us out there walking around downwind from Eden. For better or for worse, we're here trying to make our way; albeit messy and confusing. And for whatever reason we can't seem to see the light that brightens more confident folks. Please be patient. I do get hints that we will get there, that i'll get there. I just might need more time than some.

Blessings to you all, and especially to those with skinned knees.

jules

Pondering Purpose

So, recently I wrote about transfiguration, transition and transformation. And I'm still there, I guess. Have you ever watched a garden or a child grow? Have you ever watched a flower bud blossom? Have you ever watched night become dawn and then day? How do you know which is the exact moment of the transformation? Do actually see the flower open? Do you know which exact second, it ceased to be night and became dawn? My experienced answer is NO. I don't. It just is that one moment I look and I realize it is dawn, the flower has bloomed, my child is suddenly bigger. I haven't seen the transformation happen but I know it has. 

In those first moments after I realize the flower is open, I celebrate. I rejoice in the early moments of dawn and in the awakening to my own growth. New life is delightful and sunny. Fabulous fuel for gratitudel! But then what?

After a bit of celebration, whether that is hours, days or weeks, it isn't long before I am wondering what now? How do i use this new gift, this new transformation of the former me? How do i live now that I've grown? There is even the question, how do I parent this new child that my baby has become? this new adult that my child has become? How do i live with the transformation?

This last week, the ELCA, one of the LUtheran church bodies, has made a long-coming decision to open the door to gay and lesbian pastors. It was a long struggle and passionate battle fought over many, many years. for the moment we can celebrate but then what? Int he weeks to come, the ELCA will have to ask, how do we live as this newly transformed body?

Three weeks ago, I returned from a two-week pilgrimage to the Umbrian province of Italy, including St. Francis' stompin' grounds. i came back, a transfigured, transformed person. And now that the celebration has worn off, I'm wondering how I'm going to live. How do I live in the old place with the new me? I'm grateful beyond words for this gift but how do I live like this? What does it mean to be me at work, in my family, in my relationships?

For many, getting to the point of realizing the gift of LOVE that God has given us, is a huge revelation moment on the  spiritual journey. We can float on the gratitude of that for years. But then comes the day when we ask...how do I live with the new me in the old skin? It isn't true transformation if I don't apply it to my life...is it?


I'm still asking that question. I don't have any definitive answers. I'm sharing the questions in hopes that if you are asking the same questions, maybe we'll come with up answers together. 

THE SONG OF CREATION

A long time ago, if time is measurable at all,
God created the universe with a song
Then God created the angels
and other heavenly beings
and taught them this song
Then God created our world
and us with harmony like you’ve never
As God and the heavenly hosts
started up a chorus that continues today

Each one of us has a part of this song given to us at birth
We were all given the ability to use our voice
to share in the song of creation
I think that is why throughout all of history,
People have begun to sing when they want to worship
They sing when they want to pray
And they sing when they want to connect with the community
We sing to grieve and to celebrate
We sing to honor and to praise

Something mystical happens when we join with the song
Whether it is a simple chant, a single note
A complicated choral arrangement or a lullaby
It doesn’t matter if we think we can sing
We just do because it is our nature
It is the angels’ nature
It is God’s nature
To sing.

As we sing, we listen and as we listen, we hear,
And as we hear, we are amazed at the message,
And the simple lesson of creating harmony together.

One of the best things about singing the old way,
without notes or accompaniment
Is that we hear the voices of others much quicker,
And we take the words and the soothing notes
into our bodies deeper.
One of the best things about singing in harmony
is that we can’t do it alone
We discover that together we can make a song
that not one of us can really sing alone.
It feels like magic as the spirit moves among us
As the song speaks to each of us in our particular place
And to all of us as a community
God joins us in this song
The angels join the chorus all day long

Beautiful Death, Breathtaking Life

August 15, 2009
Lake Louise State Park

Plain, dirty, quiet river
With green algae scum floating on top
Silent forest encroaching your banks
How is it you give me such solace?
You are nothing but another little water way
Winding your way through farmland and and state park
Yet you carry such reverence for the circle of life

Within you, around you and over you
Life continues its everlasting cycle birth, death and rebirth
Each stroke of my paddle seems as if I am treading on sacred ground
I make every effort to keep silence
As if tiptoeing over the water's surface
The lush vegetation is a tangle of trees,
Brush, vines and tangles of birds nest
But it is not only a place full of life but one rife with death

Trees in a various stages of dying
Are standing naked or leaning over or fallen
What strikes me is the stunningly beauty that each tree dies with
All the time lending its intricate lattice to the design of the woods
Its body providing a framework
And sustenance for the next seedlings to grow
Vines climb and flowers grow while birds gain fresh places to perch
This is another Eden
A place where all who live are fed and nourished
A place where all who die are cherished and appreciated
Where the entire circle of life provides breathtaking beauty

As I paddle away, leaving my green cathedral behind
May I learn new respect for the aging and dying process
And new joy in all of life's stages

Transfiguration, Transition, and Transformation

Greetings to all of you from deep within the One,

I've been away from my blog, concentrating instead on my facebook page for the last month and half as I prepared for, then traveled to and returned from a two-week tour in the Umbrian province of Italy. I traveled with Umbrian Serenades, an a capella chamber choir that sang concerts in cathedrals in old medieval towns like Assisi.

Our home base was in Spoleto, an old medieval town built in part by the Romans thousands of years ago.There is an aquaduct that still brings fresh, clean, delicious water from Monteluco, the holy mountian next door. Wow! Also on the mountain is a very special place aptly called "The Sacred Forest." St. Francis of Assisi spent time there living in caves and meditating. There is still a Fransican monastery there. Walking into the Sacred Forest, it easy to imaginel how St. Francis might have found God and seen visions in that place. It feels magical. During the trip, I was fortunate enough to visit this place twice. Both times I was there, I felt as if I had gone up the mountain with Jesus to experience the transfiguration. In my story Moses and Elijah would replaced with the trees and other life in the woods. The trees even glow with an extraordinary hue of love and light. I came to understand the mystery and the majesty and the abundant love of God just a little bit better. I came to know my own purpose a little bit better. It was such a great feeling that it was easy to wish we could just stay there. But you usually when you go up a mountain, you have to also come down. A few days after my second and last visit to that holy place, I was back here in Minneapolis trying to figure out how to buy groceries and go to work.

I don't think anything in life is more disconcerting than change...the transition from one activity, from one state of being or one paradigm to another. It is even more difficult when we find that while we were away, we were changed. So now not only have my circumstances changed but i have too. I have worked nearly every dya for two weeks now on adjusting my paradigm to fit the new me in the old location, the old jobs and the old roles. I've come down off the mountain carrying my newly transfigured self. I've also carried my new understanding of God with me. Transition is great, exciting, and a bit disconcerting. Where do we put this new luggage we brought home with us? where do we put these new visions and callings and roles?

Fortunately for me, God's activity is always at work. Even as I stumble sleepily back into my old life here, God is busy tranforming my heart and my mind in ways that make it possible for me to bring that tranfiguration experience into my life. I have a feeling that the transformation will be ongoing as I continue to discover all that life has to offer and become more clear about my journey. One thing is certain for me now. The Great Spirit of Love and Community, of Creation and LIfe, will be with me every step of the way.