THE WORLD OF SOUND RETURNS

October 28,2014

"THE EAR IS AT THE CENTER OF H-EAR-T FOR A GOOD REASON. WE NEED OUR EARS TO WORK WELL FOR OUR HEART TO BE CONNECTED"--jules, 2014

Three weeks ago I swallowed my pride and opened myself up the world of sound again. I have no idea what damaged my hearing, nor when it happened only that over the last 5 to 10 years, my hearing has been getting worse. Five years ago, when I checked my hearing, the loss was borderline for a hearing aid. I chose to not proceed at that time. Then this year, I got tired of not hearing and pretending i knew what everyone one was saying. So three weeks ago, I got my hearing aids and they are wonderful!

I gained so much more than just a few lost conversations.
I gained a whole world of sound and it is glorious.

Sounds that came back:

clocks ticking
phone keys beeping
my soup boiling from the next room
the woman in my peer group praying
my son telling me about his wonderful life
the softer tones in the music
all the voices in my choir at once
conversations in noisy restaurants
people breathing
water splashing
infinite sounds of the city

and silence is sweeter too

I've worn my hearing aids all day, every day in the last 21 days, give or take a few hours here and there for my ears to breathe. (I also take them out at night) They are comfortable. Sometimes I forget they are there. You can't see them if you don't know to look. My audiologist is fabulous and great at helping me program them just right for me. And they cost me less than $3000 for both of them.

So if you are tired of missing out on the world of sound, I invite you to join me.

Listening is work and joy that I will never tire of.

Naked Grace

the
delicate
lace of life

intricately
woven

into dawn

naked
grace

~Jules

10/16/14, Grand Marais

All will be well

Preparing for a Sunday of worship and singing---

I stretch to release the "should's" and "damn's" that haunted my sleep.
Then I settle in to drink my cup of tea
and listen to my "soothing" station on Pandora
Gentle piano and guitar tunes calm the turbulent seas
Remind me that somewhere the music is always playing
Remind me that God, that Love knows a secret
that our conscience does not
All is well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well

While I'm sipping and eating eggs, appropriately scrambled,
I read an op-ed piece in the paper written by a young adult
(It's about how he studied race and psychology and then spent six months
in Tanzania teaching kids how to use computers in a farming village and how he discovered race doesn't matter, but relationships do)
It reminds me that somewhere hearts are always connecting
Reminds me that deep inside there is a secret
just waiting to be unlocked
the secret that all is well,
the all will be well
that all manner of things will be well

My dear friend
I invite you to take a moment today
to listen to the music
to see the beauty
to notice love at work
and unlock that secret in your heart
May all be well

~Love, Jules 10/12/14

About Freedom

What does it mean to be free?

I started out knowing at my birth that I was loved. At first there was just me and Mom and Dad because my siblings were all off at boarding school by then. I was their brilliant surprise last baby (the youngest of six) when Mom and Dad were in their 40’s. They were overjoyed. It was clear I was welcome and that they were happy to have me. I was born free with love.

Then Judgment and Fear, Expectations and Misunderstanding moved in like some nasty controlling aunts and uncles. They said, “Whoa Missy! You just hold on there. What makes you think they will still love if you fail this test? Are you sure they love you? When was the last time you heard from them? When was the last time they actually told you they loved you? Listen here little miss cutie, you better get straight A’s and you better be good and you better do what they say or else!”

It’s hard to know how those liars got so much power. I think some of that came from seeing how much power they had over my parents; especially my mom. Judgment stood over her shoulder like an unrelenting soldier guarding the palace of Guilt. All her life she lived in fear of not being enough. She was always industriously working to ward off some invisible, impending punishment. I remember being really sad in my twenties when this truth really hit me. I had this sudden realization that Mom never quite felt that full on grace that Dad was always preaching about on Sunday mornings. As Mom took her last breaths, my husband and I sang “Jesus Loves Me” to her one more time and I could feel the sentinel begin to shake. About a half hour after she died, I had this sudden feeling of complete joy and elation. I knew Judgment had crumpled and Mom was free. Some of my own chains fell as well.

Even so, not all of my chains were inherited. I cannot blame Mom’s experience for all of it. Some of the Judgment and Fear I felt was put there or collected by me along the way. These are links in the chains I've added from a junkyard full of old adages and beliefs made up of Christian, Conservative, and American values mixed with messy family and peer relationships and occasional personal mishaps. Out of all this trash, I've managed to come with more than a few doomsday credos of “I can’t!” and “I’ll never!” and “Ah Shit!” I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think a great number of people come up with the idea that they are never going to measure up and that is just how life is.

Nevertheless, I suspect I am freer than most. Each day a bright sun rises out of the darkness and a breath of Spirit blows the dust off my sorry heart. Whether conscious of it or not, I hear a gentle voice whisper, “You are loved! There is nothing you can do to be loved more and nothing you can fail to do to be loved less. You are just loved!” I believe this is God’s voice, LOVE itself longing for all of us to be included. Even on days when I march forward in a fog of thought, I know this is true. And therein lies my freedom. God’s everlasting love frees me. Daily the chains are removed as I lean into this voice. I will die as I was born; in the freedom of this knowledge that I am loved, that I have loved and that LOVE will continue to carry me forward. I am free, I am free, I am free!

~jules, based on a journal entry in 2012