Stillness: Good for What Ails You

The days grow short, the nights long. It is the time of hibernation, celebrations of light like Dawali, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Advent and Christmas. It seems counter-intuitive that at a time when all of nature is falling into a renewing sleep, the people in this culture are rushing about trying to get shopping done, parties made, earning year-end bonuses. And as often happens, I find I want to go the other direction than everyone else.

This year, more than any other, I have found myself leaning into the stillness of the early nights and the quieting snows. I have Christmas shopping to do but don't do it. I have parties to organize but can't seem to get them on the calendar. There are concerts and events of interest and note that I am ignoring just to stay home another evening. Three months ago, I would have enjoyably scrambled to creatively fit it all in and still find time to write and cook and sleep with my husband. But that was then, before I hit a wall of frustration and confusion. I had been on a track that felt like a calling, like I was being Spirit-led. Suddenly walls began to appear where once were doorways. Suddenly doors were closing in my face before I could even raise my hand to knock. I asked God about this. And all I heard back was "Be still."

Stillness is not my first instinct when problems and challenges arise. My first instinct is to call a committee meeting...even if that committee is just two people. My first instinct is to "talk it out" or "talk it to death." I've always thought I did better when I got all of the truth out there to deal with. So God says, "be still."

So for the last couple of months, I've been practicing stillness. I've dropped out of some of my groups. I've gone out less with the girls. I've done less running "errands." I've had less lunches. I've spent more days in solitude; sometimes spending an entire day just doing chores around the house in total silence. Sometimes I'm listening for the Spirit. Sometimes I'm reflecting on my heart and God's call. Sometimes I'm creating anew. sometimes I'm just empty and silent; nothing going in or coming out.

Although skeptical at first, I've been amazed at the peace and wholeness I feel now. In the stillness I've rediscovered my self, my spirit. I've taken up my conversations with God again. I've found a presence deep within and all around me. I've noticed that the trees talk, that the sun dances and the moon sings in the dark. Love seems bigger and connection more alive.

I still haven't spoken to the issues that brought me all that frustration. I don't know that I will. When the stillness and waiting are over and it is time again to speak, it might be that Love has moved me to another whole reason for speaking.

For within the stillness, I find Love and Joy singing me lullabies of hope and songs of courage and peace. Within the stillness I find that I am enough, that there is enough grace for all of us; even you, even me.

And Jesus said,"Peace, Be Still."

Peace,

Jules

MORNING CONVERSION

The journey from dark to dawn is so gradual.  It's hardly noticeable at all.  It is difficult to pinpoint the exact moment when we would call it light.  When did it stop being dark?  Was it when the sky got just light enough to begin to see the silhouette of the trees against it?  Was it when I began to see blue streaks?  It isn't until the sun rises full on the horizon that I am absolutely sure the day has come.

I think most conversion experiences are like that.  We’ve been in the dark so long, looking for the light.  Then one day, perhaps years down the road, we realize the day has come.  We are no longer in the dark.  And we can't remember at exactly what moment we stopped thinking so much about the dark and living more in the light.  It just happens.

That's what my recovery from Hans' death and my midlife crisis has been like.  I'm not sure when I stopped being that other person and became this one--the woman who wants to grab life, the woman who feels so empowered and strong, the woman who is so grateful for everything. When did I stop wanting to be passive?  When did I stop hiding under the covers? When did I begin using my true voice? All I know is that the sun has come up on the horizon.  It is morning!  I am now a child of the light and I want to live in that light!

Maybe this is happening to you.  It is frustrating because you want to know the exact moment when you can leave the darkness behind. Sometimes, it seems we dance in the dawn, the place between light and dark, for years before we are ready to move on. I just hope you can take comfort in knowing that the dawn is surely coming and with it will come the realization that you too are a child of the light.

© Julie A. Bonde, 2006

double your donation on Tuesday!

Dear friends, loved ones and acquaintances.

you are receiving this email because I sent it to everyone on my contact list. I figured for this one day, it was worth a try. I apologize if you already got a notice from someone else.

On Tuesday, November 17, 2009, every donation made to The Dragonfly Project through www.GiveMN.org could be matched. Please consider giving to this project whose purpose is to bring hope to those who are grieving. We are still run only by volunteers. Nearly all donations go directly back to printing cards, making key chains and sending them out to folks who are grieving over the loss of a loved one. In our seven and half years of operation, we have sent out over 23 thousand condolence cards with story and key chain.

This project was started because our son Hans died at age 11 of a brain tumor. It was started by an 11 year old girl who now is a freshman in college. it has brought hope and miracles to thousands. it has meant everything to Pete & I. Please consider giving to this organization. We are a registered non-profit.

thanks for the thought and all the kindness you have shown Pete & I over the years.

blessings,

Julie Bonde



--
God loves, I live...
I love, I live...
God leads, I follow...
It's as simple as this:
Only Love!

Whispers of Wisdom
madjules@gmail.com
http://downwindfromeden.blogspot.com

Abundance within the small and tiny!

I don't have a lot of time to write this blog but it has been a month! So much has been happening!

For the moment I just really want to put out there that God is so abundantly generous! Wow! Even within the dark moment, there is abundance! I can't wait to tell you all more.

For now, look around you. Pay attention. Be aware. Notice the little things and then start adding up all the grace, all the joy, all the diversity and beauty! notice.

reveling in the miracles,

jules

SUNLIGHT AND SHADOWS

By now, if you have read any previous blogs, you have picked up on theme that I can't seem to shake; light and darkness!

Fall has arrived in Minnesota complete with colorful reds, bursting orange, dropping leaves and a chilly dusting of snow over everything. It's early Saturday morning and the sunlight and shadows are dancing over this new pallet of green grass, white snow and yellow, red, brown leaves. I'm waking up slowly from a night disturbed by lack of sleep. In th middle of the night I was woken by the stress of discerning my place in the world.

Recent events have caused me to wonder: Am on the right path? Has anything I done made any difference at all? Does it matter that I am here? Is all this disturbance just to open me up to the next curve in the road? Why me? Why not me?

In the middle of my sleepless tossing, I got up to drink some Easy Now tea and ran into my son. He was on a different mission...that of helping to rescue a lost dog he and some friends found in the park last night. He was busy writing a sweet note to explain why we would be finding a dog in his room when we woke up. What a sweet boy and what a sweet dog! The night was suddenly lit by the compassion and caring of my sons's heart.

So while the seasons and the canvas of my life keep changing, the sunlight and shadows continue to dance over the top of it. While I've been struggling to heal from some punches to the tender spots on my soul, I've also been finding more and more light shining in my heart. I have also been thinking about how grateful I am for all of the love and music and joy that has come to me through God's love, through the kindness of friends and blessings of strangers. God/Love really is so close that we can just reach out and touch each other or just sit and listen and the whispers of wisdom are there.Singing really does create community and bring healing. There is healing! there is peace! There is joy! There is compassion! And it does make a difference!

And do I want a life without the beauty and richness the shadows create over the gorgeous canvas of my journey? And do i want a journey with a canvas that never changes or evolves? If we truly are created in the image of God, then God loves creativity and change as much as I do. So while I fight the disturbance, I also welcome the change and creativity that will grow from it.

We are one. All of us and all of creation and all of the universe. We are one. All of the light and all of the dark, all are nothing and all are everything. There is only one reality...love, a love that runs so wide, so high and so deep that it can wrap around all that we are and all that we can be. I am grateful!

Peace to all of you sisters and brothers!

jules

Wanting nothing and wanting everything

It just sort of creeped into my thoughts yesterday. I really want nothing. I don't really care if I have money. I don't need to have new clothes. I don't need fame. I don't need to be top dog. I don't need to be better than everyone else or than anyone else. I don't need my own room or my own closet. Ownership is not important. I really want to be empty. I have too many things, too much to keep track of and be responsible for. And all of it has a way of weighing me down and holding me back from total freedom. I watched the movie "Clare & Francis" the other day about St. Francis of Assisi and St. Clare of Assisi. St. Francis gave up everything including the clothes on his body to follow Christ. Though he lived a hard life, he was also known for living a joyful one. As I watched I could see how the freedom of things was also the freedom of responsibility for those things. Of course it is not as simple as that but I wondered how it would feel to truly want nothing and be free.

Of course, what I really want is everything. I want energy and love to overflowing. I want to be so filled with light that I can't help but give joy. I want to have enough money, clothing, shelter to support my family, send my boys to college and help them create their own homes. I want to travel to the ends of the earth and have time to sit with friends and strangers praying and talking and singing about peace and love and hope. I want to gather my family, the one that is spread to the other side of the globe that we might find that deep love we need from each other. And if i could have left overs I have more people i would want to share with. I want to be thinner in my body. I want to be healthy enough to follow my passions for another 50 years. But all of these things, though honorable desires, bring with them work, struggle, responsibility.

My geography professor at Dana College, used to say that there was one rule that you could count on for the way the earth works, "there ain't no free lunch." I've discovered that applies to pretty much everything...including most relationships. But Love isn't Love if there is a charge is it? or is it the other way around? Love isn't Love if it didn't cost you something.

I really don't want anything. and I really want everything because I want no less than fierce love...to give and to live in. Am I asking too much? or am I not asking enough?

KEEPING AND BREAKING SILENCE

I just attended a Bridge Builder event for the church I work for. For the last hour of this event, people were given a chance to speak their minds to the group. This wasn't a conversation; just a chance to say your piece with no debate, judgment or even answered questions. Some people spoke things that have been needing to be said for years. I was honored to be there and witness this example of how to live in community and faith while tension exists between  you. I was struck at the power that of breaking the silence.

Beginning the conversation after years of silence is hard, heavy, scary...and carries hope. My heart is filled with all the above and all of the below...all that is, all that isn't, all that shines, all that darkens. And in the middle a small wave of tears is forming...threatening to break through the walls. Silence can heal and silence can poison. 

There is tension in me as I discern even on a personal level, when is the time to keep silence and when is the time to break silence and speak the hard truth in kindness. There is discomfort in this space. I wonder in some cases if I'm doing the right thing by keeping silence. I wonder in others if I stepped over reasonable boundaries by speaking too much. My preference is to speak, to get things out there but not everyone feels the same about that. Not everyone is ready at the same time for the conversation.


Silence can be a nice breath of air between life and our souls, between togetherness and solitude. Silence can also create a void, a separation between us. May love bring all of us together again. 

EPHPHATHA!

Ephphatha Be opened! Let your light shine! Let there be light! Be healed!

Jesus uses the passive imperative. Haha! :o)  Passive imperative is almost an oxymoron. Imperative implies action…it is a command…non-negotiable. Do it! Just do it! Passive implies inactivity and by association laziness. In our culture a passive person is a victim, or someone who just chooses by not choosing and then lets things happen to them. Passive implies that there are forces outside of us that make things happen. In American English, passive is so non-active that it is corrected when we use it in our essays for class. My computer will automatically remind me that I am using the passive tense.

So the other day I was in church and the scripture passage was from Mark, telling about Jesus healing the deaf man who also couldn’t speak. As he touches the man’s ears and tongue, he states, “Ephphatha,” (be opened). I was so curious about the inclusion of this word in the scripture. Why did the Greek writer insert this Hebrew word in?  So I looked it up. I kept looking until I found the origin.  Ephphatha is the Greek spelling of the Hebrew and Aramaic. But the meaning is still within it. It is passive imperative. It took me a little while to get it actually. What does that mean? Passive imperative? And then it hit me. Jesus is asking the man to let it happen, to allow the healing to happen. He’s not  saying “I heal you,” or “Heal!” He is saying, “be healed.”

Recently, something happened that made me question my ability to be a good friend. The more I thought about it, the darker I got. I kept going back to this little girl who thinks she is never going to be good enough for anyone. As I shared my struggle with a couple of friends, I started to hear this passive imperative from them too. Essentially, they were saying, “Let us love you. Let your light shine. Allow yourself to be loved.” And no one said it but I also heard the word patience. Be patient. Let it happen.

Then I was talking with a pastor friend about ephphatha. He said that God used the same passive imperative to bring creation into being. It wasn’t a non-negotiable command. It was an invitation for the light to come. Let there be light. Let there be morning. Let there be night. And the light came. And it was good. And in the new testament, Jesus invites us to let our light shine. My friend are asking that too.

So my challenge this week is ephphatha…be opened. This means I have to take the word “try” out of my sentence for now. I’m not going to try. I’m going to allow myself to be opened….be opened to everything and anything….be opened to healing within me and healing within my friend….healing for all of us. Be opened to possibilities and hope, love and peace. Be opened. Let it happen. And it will happen. And it is good.

 Be opened! Let your light shine! Let there be light! Be healed!

Only LOVE!

God loves, I live...
I love, I live...
God leads, I follow...

It's as simple as this:  Only Love!

For better or worse

In just a few days, I'll be exactly 6 months past my 50 birthday. Recently, we celebrated the 28th anniversary of our wedding. It's been 33 years since I arrived in the United States My youngest son is a senior in high school this year. What's my point? I guess all these numbers seem to mean that I "should" be all grown up and done with what appears to be petty little whiny grievances on my part. I'm too fat, I'm not productive enough. I'm not socially polished. I'm certainly not successful by standards of career and money. I'm all of 50 and still often feel as competent as when I was 5. I'm still looking up to all the big people in my life wishing I could be like them...wishing I could be one of them. Except that now, some of those big people are younger than me; quite a bit younger. Everyone around me looks so confident, easy with people and able to function so well in this place and time. Me? I still trip over my own feet and my own passion.

In a month, we'll observe the 9th anniversary of our son's death. I have learned more in the last nine years about living, faith, God, community and love than I learned in the previous 41 years all put together. It hasn't been comfortable learning but it's been learning. I know I've been transformed. I know I've been loved more than I deserve. But the more i know, the more capable and qualified I get, the less confidence I have, the less I know. I feel like I'm paddling forward but my kayak is going backwards.

Of course there is no magic age at which one arrives at a particular stage. Hans seems to have done what he came to do in just 11 1/2 short years. Meanwhile, it took my mother nearly 89 years to get her life all laid out. So I can challenge myself on the number thing. But do I have to be the clumsiest oaf in the neighborhood?

If you live in my neck of the woods, you might see a roundish, middle-aged woman walking down the street with scars on her knees and shins and gaping holes in her ego. It might be me or there might be more than one of us out there walking around downwind from Eden. For better or for worse, we're here trying to make our way; albeit messy and confusing. And for whatever reason we can't seem to see the light that brightens more confident folks. Please be patient. I do get hints that we will get there, that i'll get there. I just might need more time than some.

Blessings to you all, and especially to those with skinned knees.

jules

Pondering Purpose

So, recently I wrote about transfiguration, transition and transformation. And I'm still there, I guess. Have you ever watched a garden or a child grow? Have you ever watched a flower bud blossom? Have you ever watched night become dawn and then day? How do you know which is the exact moment of the transformation? Do actually see the flower open? Do you know which exact second, it ceased to be night and became dawn? My experienced answer is NO. I don't. It just is that one moment I look and I realize it is dawn, the flower has bloomed, my child is suddenly bigger. I haven't seen the transformation happen but I know it has. 

In those first moments after I realize the flower is open, I celebrate. I rejoice in the early moments of dawn and in the awakening to my own growth. New life is delightful and sunny. Fabulous fuel for gratitudel! But then what?

After a bit of celebration, whether that is hours, days or weeks, it isn't long before I am wondering what now? How do i use this new gift, this new transformation of the former me? How do i live now that I've grown? There is even the question, how do I parent this new child that my baby has become? this new adult that my child has become? How do i live with the transformation?

This last week, the ELCA, one of the LUtheran church bodies, has made a long-coming decision to open the door to gay and lesbian pastors. It was a long struggle and passionate battle fought over many, many years. for the moment we can celebrate but then what? Int he weeks to come, the ELCA will have to ask, how do we live as this newly transformed body?

Three weeks ago, I returned from a two-week pilgrimage to the Umbrian province of Italy, including St. Francis' stompin' grounds. i came back, a transfigured, transformed person. And now that the celebration has worn off, I'm wondering how I'm going to live. How do I live in the old place with the new me? I'm grateful beyond words for this gift but how do I live like this? What does it mean to be me at work, in my family, in my relationships?

For many, getting to the point of realizing the gift of LOVE that God has given us, is a huge revelation moment on the  spiritual journey. We can float on the gratitude of that for years. But then comes the day when we ask...how do I live with the new me in the old skin? It isn't true transformation if I don't apply it to my life...is it?


I'm still asking that question. I don't have any definitive answers. I'm sharing the questions in hopes that if you are asking the same questions, maybe we'll come with up answers together. 

THE SONG OF CREATION

A long time ago, if time is measurable at all,
God created the universe with a song
Then God created the angels
and other heavenly beings
and taught them this song
Then God created our world
and us with harmony like you’ve never
As God and the heavenly hosts
started up a chorus that continues today

Each one of us has a part of this song given to us at birth
We were all given the ability to use our voice
to share in the song of creation
I think that is why throughout all of history,
People have begun to sing when they want to worship
They sing when they want to pray
And they sing when they want to connect with the community
We sing to grieve and to celebrate
We sing to honor and to praise

Something mystical happens when we join with the song
Whether it is a simple chant, a single note
A complicated choral arrangement or a lullaby
It doesn’t matter if we think we can sing
We just do because it is our nature
It is the angels’ nature
It is God’s nature
To sing.

As we sing, we listen and as we listen, we hear,
And as we hear, we are amazed at the message,
And the simple lesson of creating harmony together.

One of the best things about singing the old way,
without notes or accompaniment
Is that we hear the voices of others much quicker,
And we take the words and the soothing notes
into our bodies deeper.
One of the best things about singing in harmony
is that we can’t do it alone
We discover that together we can make a song
that not one of us can really sing alone.
It feels like magic as the spirit moves among us
As the song speaks to each of us in our particular place
And to all of us as a community
God joins us in this song
The angels join the chorus all day long

Beautiful Death, Breathtaking Life

August 15, 2009
Lake Louise State Park

Plain, dirty, quiet river
With green algae scum floating on top
Silent forest encroaching your banks
How is it you give me such solace?
You are nothing but another little water way
Winding your way through farmland and and state park
Yet you carry such reverence for the circle of life

Within you, around you and over you
Life continues its everlasting cycle birth, death and rebirth
Each stroke of my paddle seems as if I am treading on sacred ground
I make every effort to keep silence
As if tiptoeing over the water's surface
The lush vegetation is a tangle of trees,
Brush, vines and tangles of birds nest
But it is not only a place full of life but one rife with death

Trees in a various stages of dying
Are standing naked or leaning over or fallen
What strikes me is the stunningly beauty that each tree dies with
All the time lending its intricate lattice to the design of the woods
Its body providing a framework
And sustenance for the next seedlings to grow
Vines climb and flowers grow while birds gain fresh places to perch
This is another Eden
A place where all who live are fed and nourished
A place where all who die are cherished and appreciated
Where the entire circle of life provides breathtaking beauty

As I paddle away, leaving my green cathedral behind
May I learn new respect for the aging and dying process
And new joy in all of life's stages

Transfiguration, Transition, and Transformation

Greetings to all of you from deep within the One,

I've been away from my blog, concentrating instead on my facebook page for the last month and half as I prepared for, then traveled to and returned from a two-week tour in the Umbrian province of Italy. I traveled with Umbrian Serenades, an a capella chamber choir that sang concerts in cathedrals in old medieval towns like Assisi.

Our home base was in Spoleto, an old medieval town built in part by the Romans thousands of years ago.There is an aquaduct that still brings fresh, clean, delicious water from Monteluco, the holy mountian next door. Wow! Also on the mountain is a very special place aptly called "The Sacred Forest." St. Francis of Assisi spent time there living in caves and meditating. There is still a Fransican monastery there. Walking into the Sacred Forest, it easy to imaginel how St. Francis might have found God and seen visions in that place. It feels magical. During the trip, I was fortunate enough to visit this place twice. Both times I was there, I felt as if I had gone up the mountain with Jesus to experience the transfiguration. In my story Moses and Elijah would replaced with the trees and other life in the woods. The trees even glow with an extraordinary hue of love and light. I came to understand the mystery and the majesty and the abundant love of God just a little bit better. I came to know my own purpose a little bit better. It was such a great feeling that it was easy to wish we could just stay there. But you usually when you go up a mountain, you have to also come down. A few days after my second and last visit to that holy place, I was back here in Minneapolis trying to figure out how to buy groceries and go to work.

I don't think anything in life is more disconcerting than change...the transition from one activity, from one state of being or one paradigm to another. It is even more difficult when we find that while we were away, we were changed. So now not only have my circumstances changed but i have too. I have worked nearly every dya for two weeks now on adjusting my paradigm to fit the new me in the old location, the old jobs and the old roles. I've come down off the mountain carrying my newly transfigured self. I've also carried my new understanding of God with me. Transition is great, exciting, and a bit disconcerting. Where do we put this new luggage we brought home with us? where do we put these new visions and callings and roles?

Fortunately for me, God's activity is always at work. Even as I stumble sleepily back into my old life here, God is busy tranforming my heart and my mind in ways that make it possible for me to bring that tranfiguration experience into my life. I have a feeling that the transformation will be ongoing as I continue to discover all that life has to offer and become more clear about my journey. One thing is certain for me now. The Great Spirit of Love and Community, of Creation and LIfe, will be with me every step of the way.

An Umbrian Serenades Morning

July 22, 2009
Wednesday am in Spoleto, Italy: A Typical Umbrian Serenades morning.

The fresh air this morning was positively heavenly. Clean and sunny and calm. I’m just taking a moment to celebrate this wonderful gift. Is there anything more holy than breathing?

It’s just closing in on 10 am, Spoleto time, which I think I will now just call ST or Saint Time. We’ve been up a few hours going through what has become the morning routine. It goes something like this.
Conie’s blackberry alarm goes off. Julie jumps out of her skin then plops back down. Conie just rolls and turns it off. More sleeping. WE repeat this 5 minutes later and this time I get up. Sometime between 7 and 8 am ST we make our way down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Umbrian Serenades always monopolizes one of the large tables. Sleepily the members of the group wander in, grab a cup of coffee and find their spot. Breakfast is consistently the same…cheese, bologna, croissant, sweet breads, cantaloupe, yogurt, and granola. Not long after we get there the swarm of “gymgnats” arrive. They move as one to the buffet and sit as one at the tables. IT is important not to try and get food when they are there. Fortunately for us, they do not stay long, ever. These are a group of 30 or so national gymnasts competing for spots on the Olympic team.

Also on the menu at breakfast is laughter and talking about the feast of food and friends we have had the night before. This particular morning Alison coined the term “gymgnats” and I think it will stick. Up til now, we’ve just been calling them the swarm. They bring to mind images of the Borg, if you are a Star Trek fan. After breakfast the choir wanders away to practice for the 3 hours until lunch break. The companions or non-choir members of the group often gather on the “sun porch” for more coffee and catching up on their computing. There are 5 of us. Sometimes we are called the “non-singers” which is a mis-nomre since we can all sing. We just didn’t try out for the choir. The lesson is a good one as it brings up memories when I have labeled people non-something…always a bad idea for including people is to name them non-something.

Anyway, this is how I wish mornings always could be. Laughter, celebrations, and pondering the day with friends as crazy as I am. These are the ingredients for peaceful life. Hmmm. Maybe the world just needs to take better care of breakfast. Mabye then, this would be a more peaceful planet.
Wishing you all joy and peace this fine July day and everyday.

Love you and like you world,
jules

The Sacred Forest

Deep in the dark, sacred woods shadows play with blue faries
The canopy of ancient trees protects this holy ground
For centuries these oaks have been holding up the sky
Guardians of God’s natural monastery
Companions for many a pilgrim coming to understand the mystery of love
Yearning for connection to the deep heart in this enlightened place.
Angels and birds dance together under this umbrella of holiness
Those whose feet cross into this holy place
Find themselves called back to center, called to delicious rainbows of energy from their hearts.
Those who enter this dark forest leave with new light in their souls.

Chaos, Order and Community in Spoleto, Italy

An ancient hill of stone
Built on a foundation of history
Chaos and community

A swarm of young ballerinas
Flies through the dining room
Like a flock of crows
Scavenging a picnic site.
There is no order but they move as one

Notes and lines on a page
Scattered like the gravel pattern in the stone walls of this church
Trained voices turn this mess into Beautiful harmony

Lines of east and west cannot be drawn here
People standing in line cannot be found
Time resists linear movement
This is a organic place where buildings have withstood
Earthquakes, wars and time
By hanging on to each other
Both buildings and people have longevity

By allowing relationship to be more important
Than straight lines and order
Voices create harmony
Ancient frescoes cling to church walls
As the clusters of homes cling to the hillside
While the community continues to survive
By hanging on to each other in whatever order they can.

Lorraine was Right

Lorraine Bergstrand Schneider sits at or close to the top of my lists of favorite people, favorite teachers and favorite mentors. I'm sure I'll come back to her example again and again. One of the many things she was right about was that life isn't over at 50. And that life is full of possibilities. She may not have actually said those exact words but she lived them right before my eyes. I met her in 1986 (the year my dad died and my son Karl was born) and knew her until her death in 2008. She was born the same year as my mother in 1918 around about July 28 or 29; she never really knew which. She was a very feisty lady at age 68 when I met her. In those first two years, I took an active listening class from her called "the art of listening." This "listening' class became a support group that worked with her for 5 years at least. This wasn't her first career. She was first a mom and wife. Then she was a florist. And after a nervous breakdown (depression) and therapy, she learned the listening skills needed to answer the phones for a crisis hotline. From there she wrote her own curriculum and landed in my life to teach me a huge chunk of what I know about living. At age 70 something, she fell in love with a very sweet man and had this wonderful marriage to Jim for 9 years before he died. They led marriage retreats together. Amazing.

So now I'm closer to that age she was when she started over as a teacher of active listening. And I'm learning again from experience that she was right. Life just keeps growing and changing and becoming. In every age and every stage of life, there is possibility for new life, new love and new friends.

Tonight I accepted an invitation to go to a new friend's 28th birthday party. As a result, I met 6 more new and amazing people I never knew before. And just when I thought I had lost most connection with old friends, I had the opportunity earlier today to spend 5 hours with a childhood, life-long friend. The new connections and the old connection were equally inspiring, sweet and uplifting. Lorraine was right. It's important to keep some of the old and to keep adding new. It's important to stay in the game and not give up. You never know when you're going to meet the next great person. wow.

I'm grateful. for Lorraine and for all of you. Indeed, I'm rich.

blessings on you all,
jules

be do be do be do...

To do: Be

To be: Do

Easy right?!

Graceful and Messy

I have just changed the look of my blog...it used to be black background with white font. I finally have found pictures for the header that somewhat convey the contrast that defines my spiritual life. I'm both saint and sinner, graceful and messy. Both pictures are taken by me and are big parts of my life. The peaceful and kind ocean, sometimes I call her O shun, is like a mother to me. Having grown up on a peninsula sticking out into the Indian Ocean, I have experienced much of my life through the varying moods and waves of the Ocean. A couple years after I got married (28 years ago this year), I took on the title of "full-time mom" and stayed home for most of 20 plus years raising and caring for my 4 boys and a couple of cats and a dog. The "Help Wanted" sign was put there by me to communicate my message in a different way. It stayed for several days and nothing happened. So it goes. The point is the spiritual life, the sacred life is full of contrasts...still waters and storms, happy days with children and dirty dishes, faith and doubt. And I don't think we could have one without the other. The human life is a study in finding balance and tension and transcendence between and through the dark and the light.

making mud pies at fifty

Earlier this year I hit the half-century mark and celebrated in full force with at least 50 friends. In fact, I'm sure there is more celebrating to do even though that was already three months ago. In the meantime, I've been beginning to get a grip on this new phase of my life...this phase called mid-life. It includes things like working with people who are young enough to be my children, wearing reading glasses from the drug store, always misplacing my dignity in some corner of my life and a nest that is always half empty and half full.

Among the humbling discoveries of this age is the realization that no matter how mature and grown-up I get, there is still a scared little girl inside me that needs a lap to crawl into and cry once in awhile. She's the precious and shadowy part of me that will never quite get over the fear of abandonment, or the fear of not being accepted. She's the one who is always reminding me that I might not be good enough or I might be too much. She's the one who paces the halls hoping that someone will call, that someone will remember that she's here, waiting. I've been rather frustrated to find out that after all of the progress i've made, I can't quite shed the existence of this sweet girl hiding in the shadows.

For reasons beyond my understanding, my shy little girl took up a holler this last week. She was lonely and scared and wanted attention. Finally, I took her to my Creator, my Comforter, my God. And God did a surprising thing. He sat down and played with her/me in the mud. They/we took all the tears and made mud. God didn't even once scold her for getting so dirty and crying so hard. We just played for hours, side by side, building walls and castles and later creatures out of the mud. Then, without even cleaning up, we went for walk. God took me out to look at flowers. The flowers sang and shouted and cheered as we walked by. How clever they felt to be noticed by the two of us. And gradually, I found myself relaxing and enjoying my time and my place in the world. Finally God said I could go get cleaned up and that I was loved, the little scared girl in me was loved.

I guess what I learned is that I need that little girl to remind me that I don't have to be perfect, that it's okay to be small and lonely and need a friend in the mud. I give out a lot and can nearly always find it in me to accept my friends' fears, quirks and imperfections but have not been as kind and as forgiving of my own. Rather I've been resentful that this scared little girl shows up once in awhile. Maybe it's time I let her know how much I appreciate her. Maybe it's time I give up looking for my dignity and just make mudpies out of the tears and dirt. Maybe it's time to let myself be...me.

the mythology of romance and weddings in America

Okay, so that's a big title implying a research paper or something. I'm not interested in such a lengthy study. It's just that I went to a wedding yesterday afternoon. It was lovely. The couple was gorgeous (mag-cover gorgeous). It was a celebration befitting even the classiest of classy brides complete with a sweeter than sweet 2 1/2 year old flower girl (daughter of the bride and groom), twin ring bearers, tuxes, satin dresses, toasts, dancing, cake (in 7 flavors), and a toss of the bouquet and the garter. It was easy to get the impression that the sweet young family will live happily ever after. And it was fun to indulge in the joy of this happily ever after thought. I pray it is so for this couple.

Meantime I have been hearing more than my fair share of sad and abusive marriage stories lately. The most recent of these stories surfaced at yesterdays celebratory wedding reception. An amazingly attentive and wise mom told me of her 20-something child getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage. I went home with mixed reviews. How can I be happy for the one couple while still encountering this other young adult's broken heart within my own? And what I wondered is, what is there about our mythology of marriage and weddings that leads a young person to believe that they should suffer their own soul in order to have this fairytale? And what is the fairy tale? And what is it we and those wide-eyed young people are seeking? Some of my slightly older and more experienced 30 something friends know that it is intimacy they seek and that they are not sure how to get it without giving up all of their hard earned personal freedom. My 40 and 50 something friends are beginning to realize that the hard earned personal freedom is empty without the compromise that intimate relationships require. And many of them are also just getting to where they can compromise without losing themselves in the process.

This relationship stuff is messy spirituality indeed. Yes, it is spirituality. Nothing comes closer to our spirits and our relationship with God than the most intimate of human relationships we have. These humans we live with challenge our self-esteem, our purpose, our ability to trust and our courage to move through life without having any reassurance that any of it will be worth it. Yes, marriage is messy as are many weddings in spite of the beautiful show. It takes compromise, communication and constant attention to keep the friendship going. When it works, it's worth every second of compromise. But what of those that don't work?

How, after such betrayal from the person we love the most can we learn to trust others again, not to mention ourselves? And what is there to look forward to if weddings and marriages are just farces or fairytales at bes? And how do stop all this nonsense when we are hard-wired to connect with our others and our God? And how do I console my young friends? how do I help them find healing and forgiveness within and in the precarious world around them after the fairy-tale has died along with their broken hearts? How even do I encourage my own sons to get married at all?

Enthusiasm Incarnate

I recently wrote a poem about a fantastic friend of mine. I described her as "enthusiasm incarnate." When I write poetry especially; words just flow into my fingers without me giving them much thought. Later I go back to evaluate what has been written. This quality of enthusiasm incarnate caught my attention. What did I mean by that? As I sat to ponder, thoughts of my Hans came to mind immediately. Hans too was enthusiasm incarnate. Enthusiasm is a great word meaning possessed by God or having God within. This is not possession like ownership but possession like being so filled up and influenced by the divine. Incarnate means that something has been embodied in the flesh, made real to us. Hans was enthusiasm incarnate. And what was my evidence? Joy and energy. Han's energetic joy bubbled out of him regularly through his smile, through his bouncing body, through his shouts of "Yeah, let's do it!" Such energy, such ecstatic joy, I can only describe as coming from the source itself, God. Certainly God filled that boy's heart, body and soul. It was felt just by being in the room with him. IT was felt when he spoke. It was felt when he sang. IT was felt when he played backyard football and cheered for this team, the Minnesota Vikings. It was felt as he took on radiation and chemotherapy. And it was felt even as he faded away. [He died at age 11 of brain cancer] Hans loved life, loved people as if possessed by God.

My friend is also enthusiasm incarnate. Just being in her presence reminds one of the depth of joy one might feel if possessed by God. And it's real and tangible. I feel it when she sings, when she works, when she greets people on the street or in the line at Chipotle restaurants. It's real and genuine. It's available for all.  It's God's love in the flesh.

People like Hans and my friend were told to hush, sit still and be quiet when I was growing up. Grownups filled with responsibility and the somberness of living a devout Christian life were eager to hush such foolish outbursts of joy and energy for life. And why is that? Why were they and why are we so quick to squelch that which is evidence of God's abundance and grace; God's pure pleasure in us? Why does our worship often resemble a morbid funeral march instead of a birthday celebration; celebrating our rebirth each and every day?

I like to think that I was once a child with enthusiasm incarnate and then I learned to be quiet like the adults who I looked up to insisted on. And then I met my children. I met Hans, my fantastic friend and others. And now after many, many years of trying to hold that enthusiasm at bay, I am finally allowing it voice once again. I find my voice is changing (literally). The fire in it is growing, the conviction getting stronger. I pray that one day soon, I will be so possessed by God that it will encourage someone else, lift someone else up as I have been.

Thanks be to God and to Hans and to my friend C and others for spilling their joy on my lap.

Blessings on your day,

Jules

--
Julie A. Bonde
Whispers of Wisdom

With Creativity and an Open Heart, I will Nurture the Spirit of God in myself and others. This is my mission, this is my prayer.~JAB

www.wow-ink.com
http://downwindfromeden.blogspot.com

I AM THE SONG!

I am the song
I will pierce your heart with my sharp arrow
I will crack open the armor you have built around each cell
I will stimulate your heart to beat harder, faster, stronger
I will create vibration and color in your eyes
I will give your passion a voice
I will make you move; arms, legs, hips feeling the beat
I will open your ears to the voices of those around you
I will show you how harmony works and the possibilities for community
I will soothe your grief, celebrate your victory, rock you to sleep
I will remind you of the voices of angels
I will connect you to yourself and to God
For I am energy, power, spirit
I am the song

© 2009 Julie A. Bonde

If you would like to read more about how we live in, with, and around music, tune into my friend Conie's blog at http://pointsoflightmusic.blogspot.com

Living Downwind from Eden

Downwind from Eden is a good place to be. It can be messy and complicated but when the winds of grace are blowing, you get this wonderful aroma of love, acceptance, joy and peace. Like last night, I was feeling awful, kind of chest cold settling in deep along with some loneliness in my heart. I was attending my hospice choir practice; at least most of me was there. At the end, I still felt as if I could slink away with my heavy darkness without anyone really noticing. And then from across the room, this sweet woman, gray hair and twinkle in her eye came and gave me one of those hugs. I hope for your sake, you know the hug I'm talking about. This was the kind of hug when you know you aren't just being greeted out of courtesy. This was the extended hug when you know your soul is being savored and consoled and welcomed. This morning, I'm still wallowing a bit in self pity but the sweet aroma of grace and the remembrance of those loving arms are making me grateful I live just downwind from Eden.

Happily Ever After?

Greetings to all,

I was having a re-connection conversation with a childhood friend yesterday. There is such sweetness in finding each other after years of growing up, each having walked through their own valleys of shadow and back into the light. The conversation slipped into thoughts of a spiritual nature as that is an area of interest and care that we both still share. We talked about how our relationship with this being called God had changed over the years. It went something like this.

When we were kids we had this expectation that if we followed the "rules" or the "formula" then we would live happily ever after with God as a friend. This is not quite how things work out though. There is no formula, there are no rules and just simply desiring to do good does not guarantee a happily ever after life. And yet, God's love is so abundant, so overwhelmingly apparent. We are all given the very same sweet promise of having God walk right next to us each and every step of the way. Isn't that living happily ever after? What could be better than that? So what's the catch? The catch is that we still need to be brave and open ourselves to this grace. We still have uncover our faces and look into the light and let it flood our hearts. We still have to dare to believe the truth about ourselves, no matter how beautiful it is.

so...the simplicity of the promise does not guarantee that we will live within the knowledge of that promise. I feel challenged once again, and challenge you all once again, to open, to dare to live life as if you are part of this amazing promise God makes..."I will be with you, until the end of time."

Peace,

jules