Hope Lives On

Julie & Fara in Madagascar

Tonight, becase my husband is camping with our grandson, I am alone in the house. And because of this, I am watching some auditions from the 2023 season of America’s Got Talent. All of the acts are inspiring but one act in particular gives me a very deep sense of hope and trust.

Although I don’t have a TV, I have occasionally followed America’s Got Talent. I especially like the auditions just to see what creative and brave people come up with to share. A few years ago, one person in particular caught my attention. She went by the name Nightbirde. She had cancer and performed anyway and she moved up the ranks. I remember her song “It’s Okay,” an original of her own. It touched a lot of hearts. Well apparently, people on the other side of the world were listening too. So tonight, I watched a youth choir from South Africa sing Nightbirde’s song because it had given them hope. And because they did such a good job, they got the golden buzzer from all the judges at once.

And this made me think…you just never know what your gift is going to mean. Nightbirde ended up dying from her cancer but her gift gave hope to people all over the world.

 But we don’t have to be on a world stage to bring hope. Earlier this afternoon, I was sitting across the table from a great friend of mine. We were both so touched by the hope we received from each other. And that hope is part of what keeps each of us going….just because we share our hearts and our light with each other.

 It doesn’t matter what you share. It doesn’t matter if you are perfect. All that matters is you share from your heart. And that is what brings hope to someone else. 

 It’s just magical. And hope lives on.

Journal   8/27/2023

Thank you all for the hope!

SUNSET and MOONRISE

March 17,2022--Sunset/Moonrise--Another photography adventure

We often think of the sun ruling the day and the moon lighting up the night. We think these two celestial bodies are separate, that night and day never meet, that light and darkness are not related, that sun and moon have no reason to talk to one another.  But in some ways, they are always doing this dance and almost every tme I take a moment ot be with these two old friends, I am struck by two things: the faithfulness in following their presence and the exquisite beauty when light and dark play together, finding balance in one another.

And so it was March 17^th, here in Puerto Vallarta, Mexcio, that the sun set and the moon rose within almost the same minute, as I attempted to capture this experience with my camera.

With all the photos of the sun and moon I’ve taken, I don’t believe I’ve ever done this before…captured the sunset and full moonrise within minutes of each other. But it happened! 

Our hotel here in Puerto Vallarta is situated so that when we walk out the door of our room, we enter an open corridor. From there we can see the mountains east of us. The full moon rose over that mountain right on schedule, around 7:30pm on St. Patrick’s Day. At the exact same time the sun was going down in a fiery orange glow down the beach and off to the right in front of our hotel, to the West of the bay we are on. Our room is on the 4^th floor. There is a huge swimming pool and several flights of stairs between the two places but somehow I managed to photograph a beginning of the sunset and then hustle over to the hotel and up the elevator to the top floor to catch the moon coming up. Then I hustled back to the beach for the last part of the orange glow. It was a moment of such satisfaction to both get to see these events happen at the same time and also to be able to catch a photo or two or twenty of the event. It was so fun.The result of my efforts that day is the album full of beauty and wonder. Since I can’t bring you here, I am just posting it here to share with you. Enjoy!

I have put that album in a youtube video along with a bit of music, compliments of my son, Luke Bonde. You can watch video here.

To hear more of Luke Bonde's music go to: https://soundcloud.com/lukebonde

SUN & MOON

They've been doing this dance
Through our skies for ages
Each going at their own speed
Yet still dancing with each other
Or so it seems

Sun--Queen for the day
comes in radiance
Burning with firey passion for all of this life

Moon--the King of the Night
Comes cool and calm
Reflecting the light into our darkness.

Both reminding us
Of the light that never goes out 

Let's join their dance
Let's share our light

~ Just Jules, 3/17/22

CANCER UPDATE: Scans and good news and daisies!

Hi sweeties, my dear ones,

I have had trouble writing a health update of late. As soon as I start to write, I get distracted and by the time I get back, I'm in a whole different place and need to start over. So I'm going to try in one sitting to give you an update as short as possible. (and that did not happen--it is now several days later already.)

Here is a "quick" summary of the last month or so.

April 26--after going to the ER I was diagnosed with cellulitis and put on 10 days of antibiotics. My main symptom was a swollen breast...with some pain but no fever or sickness. Initially the fluid and swelling in the breast went down.

May 7--In June of 2020, when I was being diagnosed with breast cancer they also saw a couple of nodules on my lung. So May 7th, I had a follow up Chest CT Scan. The nodules were "stable" so that was good but the radiologist some somthing "else" on my thoracic spine. They wondered if it might be cancer so they scheduled an MRI.

Tuesday, May 18--I was awakened at 5am with pain under my left arm and some in my breast. The fluid and swelling had gone up again. So I called my oncology nurse for help. She did 2 things--upgraded my virtual appointment to an in person appointment with my nurse practitioner and she referred me to a lymphedema therapist. I was so grateful I had called.

Wednesday, May 19--I had my blood levels checked. All were good. No indication there of any infection. All good news!

Thursday, May 20--I saw the nurse practiioner. After examing me, he said quite empahtically "I am quite sure this all from your surgery and radiation. sometimes people get the fluid even 3 years later." but just to be sure, he set me up with a diagnostic mammogram. I went home encouraged that someone (besides me) had examined me and concluded that my experience was within the normal range of experience. This was good news to me! 

Friday May 21--8:30 am. I had the MRI on my spine....they were looking for what they thought might be a cancer spot that had showed up in the previous CT scan. They found no evidence of cancer, just an old injury which made sense since I had fallen on the steps last july and landed on my tail bone. So nothing new to worry about there. GOOD NEWS!

Friday, May 21--1:15 pm I had my initial session with the lymphedema therapist. she gave me massage on my lymph nodes and exericises to do to help my lymph nodes keep working better.  I think it is helping some. I'm not good at regular exercise but I'm motivated. It is good news that I have something to do to help myself that isn't taking more drugs. YAY!

Massage: In addition, I am having a weekly massage with Janet Midthun. Cooincidentally she also knows how to do the lymphedema work and I think that helps me too. So grateful for Janet and her availability to me! more good news.

Chiropractor: I also see the chiropractor every 2 weeks to keep my spine aligned and neck too.

THURSDAY, MAY 27TH--AN ANNIVERSARY--last year on this day I found a lump in my breast, just two days after George Flloyd's murder. What a year! I'm happy to still be in it! still here!

May 27--  I had my diagnositc mammogram. It was 98% possitive. the radialogist was 98% sure that the little spot they did find was nothing but to be sure he scheduled me for a needle biopsy. Sigh! Another test and more looking for cancer.

June 1st--11am, I had my needle biopsy. The nurses and the radiologist were super nice to me and it only took a half hour! In spite of the test, this was a good day for me! I was so grateful for the people who keep doing this work and do it well.

June 2nd--2 pm, a nurse at the Breast Center called to tell me that my test results were in. NO CANCER! So I asked her about the fluid in my breast and she said it might take months for it to go away. Okay...good to have that clarified again. While I was still talking to her, Goran, the nurse practioner called to tell me the good news too. I got a kick out of how they both called me immediately after getting the report. Goran, said all that showed was dense breast tissue with some bits of calcification. He said I should keep doing the lymphedema and massage and that both of those things would help. GOOD NEWS! I shed some tears of gratitude and relief. Nothing new to worry about! 

Xeloda....June 25 is my last scheduled dose of this chemotherapy pill. Hopefully my oncologist doesn't have anything else to give me. My body and my heart are so ready to be done with chemo. Whew!

Daisies and songs...haha..this is basically an excuse to share my daisies with you. One of my deep joys in life has been daisies, their simplicity and their stunning beauty. Daisies are good news too, along with the fact that I had my lovely Morningstar Singers over on Tuesday night for our first in-person singing in over a year! Good news indeed!

It's been a long taxing year. Please keep praying that my neuropathy heals. I am ready to get my life back, even if it is a different life than before.

Thank you all for your deep support of me over this last year, for listening to me ramble, for allowing me to not always be the cancer girl, for loving me as I am.

I am so grateful and wouldn't have made it through the year without you.

Love you big,

You are good news!

Jules

End of Phase 3--BREATHING AND COMPASSION IN TREATMENT

 

The Sunrise of our New Life? I hope so.

February 3, 2021--my last day of radiation treatments

Today is my last day out of 20 radiation treatments! Wahoo! I can't believe it!

Four weeks of radiation has been way, way easier to handle than 5 months of chemotherapy or even surgery. Evenso, I've had to drive to the hospital every weekday for three weeks and get zapped. About a week ago I started getting the expected burn on my skin and an itchy rash. So it hasn't been without some discomfort and inconvenience. But it also hasn't been all bad.

During my visits, I met a lovely man from Zimbabwe. What a sweet human he is! Each day he greets everyone in the office as he walks in the door and asks how they are. I am glad to have crossed his path, however briefly. And every person who works on me at radiology treats me with kindness and dignity and affirmation. I am grateful for the peole who work there.

During my drives to and from, I've been learning more about country and our world as I listen to NPR radio shows. I've also been listening to a lovely book, "An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith" by Barbara Brown Taylor. This books focuses on all the ways in which we encounter God as we walk through our lives.

Alongside this time, I've been participating in a spiritual practices group via Zoom.  This group is sponsored by our church but not exclusive to members. Since October, four of us have been taking turns teaching a new prayer practice each month. Last month we learned about focusing on compassion. My favorite part was the practice of breathing in the pain, holding it for a moment and then breathing it out and releasing it. The idea is to focus on someone who needs compassion and breathing in their pain and then releasing it. Cooincidentally, part of my radiationt treatments is to "take a deep breath and hold" while the radiation is administered. "Now you can breath," the therapist says when each position of radiation is accomplished. Due to my prayer focus on compassion, I've been using my daily radiation treatments as a time to prayer for healing, to breathe in the illness and breath it out, making space for the healing. I've been praying for myself and for others. And maybe I'm encountering God in the radiology therapy machine. Hmmm. 

I never expected for this to happen, but it did. And as a result, I feel like my energy level has been good. Though I'm glad today is the end of it, I'm not worn out from it. I feel reassured and more confident that healing will come. Compassion is the beginning of healing right now for me and for my friends and neighbors and even those I disagree with. Perhaps as we make more room for compassion, we make more room for healing. I hope this is so.

Even as I end my treatments I am going to continue this practice: "Take a deep breath, breathe in the pain and hold it for a moment" then "Breathe out, releasing it all." 

Will this be the end? I don't think so. But I do hope it is the beginning of a stronger healing time. I hope this for all of us. I hope this is the sunrise of our our new life!

PHASE 3: Radiation PLUS Happy New Year!

 January 4, 2020

On the last day of the year, 12/31/2020, I went to see my radiologist for my mappings scans. This seemed an appropriate way to end the year, after all that has happened. This is the process for them to map out exactly what they will point the radiation at. A physicist works with the radiologist to create a plan using the scans. This week, on Wednesday, I will go back for a final review of the plan and a dry run. Then Thursday, I will start my official radiation treatments. They will be every weekday until I have done 20. My last radiation treatment is Wednesday, February 3rd. Whew!

I am feeling peaceful and hopeful about the radiation. I am assured that the side effects are minor and I am thrilled that it will be over in a month compared to 5 months of chemotherapy and all that mess. We can do this! Radiation can kill things scans can't see. The radiation treatments are mainly to prevent recurrence of the cancer.

My neuropathy continues to be an annoying issue. I keep hoping the feeling in my feet and fingers will someday come back. Sigh! Meantime, my hair is beginning to grow back. My grandson tells me it is "really soft."Yay! And so, I am grateful that you continue praying. My sister once said to me, "if we could bottle prayer, we could cure lots of things." Amen to that!

Meantime, Pete and I have had a wonderful holiday season with our COVID bubble, otherwise known as our kids and grandkids. Since it was also school break, that meant both Jacob and Karl had more time to be with us. We got see all of them for Christmas Eve and all of them at some point around New Year's. We are so grateful for this time to just be together and have some fun. It is good for our souls. I pray that all of you have had some moments of joy too over the holiday. Here is my New Year's Wish for you:

Breast Cancer Update--December 2020

It has been a while since my last breast cancer update. Until the holiday break, I was pretty busy catching up with work and friends and frankly just recovering. So I finally have a moment to sit down and catch you up a bit.

• SURGERY--December 2nd, I had a lumpectomy. They also took a lymph node. It has been 3 weeks and I am healing well. My energy level is good. My surgical wounds are healing, although not quite all the way yet. I met with my surgeon last week and he said all was healing well. I have some fluid in my breast at the sight of the lumpectomy but he said that will go away naturally and is rather normal for this type of surgery. My pain has gone way down, so I stopped taking the prescription pain meds.
• PATHOLOGY REPORT--the pathology report was good. The tissue they took from the margins around the lump was negative--no cancer. The lymph node they took out was negative--no cancer. The lump had shrunk considerably but not all the way. All of this was good news to me. I am excited to have it all out of me and leave that tumor behind in 2020.
• RADIATION TREATMENTS--even with all the good news, they are recommending radiation treatments because radiation can kill things they can't see. so I'll be doing those in January. I will be having 20 treatments, Monday through Friday, 5 days a week for 4 weeks. The radiologist says that the main side effect is fatigue with also some redness on the skin which can be treated with creams. Skin is pretty good a rejuvinating so that shouldn't be too bad. It will certainly be a lot less trouble than the chemotherapy has been.
• STILL RECOVERING FROM CHEMOTHERAPY--I continue to have a pretty bad case of neuropathy in both my feet (toes plus foot pads) and fingertips. So far it doesn't seem to be getting better but I am reassured that it sometimes takes up to a year for this to get better. Please pray for this healing. I would love to get my feeling back and have more control and not be so clutsy.

Meantime, I am so grateful for this holiday break without treatments and time to heal. Tomorrow, we will be foolish or brave and celebrate Christmas with our children and grandchildren, who happen to be our COVID bubble. I honestly haven't seen anyone else in person since I was diagnosed at the end of June and some people I haven't seen since February or March. 

I am also grateful for all the friends and family supporting me with prayer and phone calls or Zoom calls. I am so grateful for this support and wouldn't have survived this far without it. Thank you all for that!

I pray you have a healthy holiday celebration filled with PEACE and SURPRISES OF JOY! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! 

with love and prayers,

Jules

Chemo #3: Giving Thanks for a Great Day

Chemo #3--July 22, 2020

Just a month ago, I was having surgery to place a port in my chest for chemotherapy treatments. Today, I had my 3rd AC (Adriamycin/Cytoxan) Chemo treatment and I had an amazing day. For that I am grateful and I am quite sure you all have been a part of that. 

 

I woke up early, which is normal for me. I felt rested and energetic so I went and weeded in Pete's garden a little before he even woke up. Then I made breakfast. We had a virtual visit with my oncologist which was short and sweet. I found out my blood counts are doing well which lifted my spirits considerably. Then Pete dropped me off at Southdale Hospital for my Chemo.

So far, for me, the chemo treatment room, which has other people gettting treated, is a very calm place, a peaceful place. And I am lucky to not have any nausea so I can just relax about that. The time, 2 hrs, just flies by and it's over before I hardly do anything on my computer.

Afterward, Pete got me my favorite take-out foods...Leann Chin sesame chicken and a stop at the bakery for a carmel roll. I can't eat much at once but what I did was delicious. 

Then I had a very rich conversation with an old friend who has been growing alongside me for 40 years! And after that, another friend made a song and sent it to me...what a gift! and I got to chat with her too. Meantime the mail came and in it another card encouraging me.

So then, I had energy to make Pete dinner and for that too, I am grateful. Tomorrow, I will likely be more tired as the chemo sinks into my body. I am learning that my body is more vulnerable than I had expected, that I can't just fight off everything or recover like normal from activity. And that vulnerability is teaching me to enjoy the energy days even more.

Meantime, I can't thank all of my friends enough, for the cards, the love, the support, the offers of help and prayer and song. I know we're supposed to be doing something to change the world now, to overcome racism and other things. What if we all flooded the world with kind thoughts, love, support, cards, kind deeds? what if we could change the world with intention and prayer and song? 

This card came today!

Tonight I'll sleep well and then....

Tomorrow will bring its own challenges and vulnerability.

Tomorrow I'll still have a beautiful community of friends and family.

Tomorrow I'll still have the trees in my back yard.

Tomorrow I'll have the option to surrender to rest and healing.

And I'll hope to have energy to share the love and kindness with my neighbor, that the kindness might change the world.

Good night! Sleep well.

Jules

Chemo #2: The Peace in the Middle of the Storm

July 8--I received my 2nd Chemotherapy Treatment for Breast Cancer
My mind has been full of late, hard to express how much this changes everything, how pervasive the cancer is, affecting all my actions and thoughts right now. Here are some of my reflections as of July 8--Just 6 weeks since I first discovered the lump.

Part 1:--The Hibiscus.

Pete and I have this hibiscus bush we’ve been tending for years. It has spent some time in the ground in our gardens and for the last couple of years we have chosen to keep it on pot, usually in our dining room. During February, March, April and May it had bloomed constantly, often putting out more than one flower at a time. Then in June it stopped blooming because it had an infestation of tiny flies. So Pete took it outside for some sun and air. In addition, he sprayed it several times with soap solution. 

And today, on the morning of my 2^nd Chemotherapy treatment, my dear Hibiscus daughter bloomed once again. She was sick and now is well! It couldn’t have happened on a better day! So grateful! I hope to join her in this healing.

Part 2: Reflecting on Cancer's demands during Chemo

Last time I had a private room. This time I'm in the big room with mutiple patients. It's different and okay. Here is a photo of me with my port plugged in. once again, I brought more than I could do during the time it took. The nurses are nice and I'm feeling strangly peaceful in this storm.

So the last time I wrote, I was just starting to say out loud, “I have cancer. I have breast cancer.” I was still going for diagnostic tests and finding out more about this treatment. From May 29 to June 27, I had 18 medical appointments! These included several types of scans, 2 biopsies, several consultations and port placement surgery. By the time of my first chemo treatment on June 24th, my head was spinning, and I was just exhausted. This is not an overstatement. Processing all this has been mind-blowing

And then the day came when I woke up to an appointment-free day and I could start to just breathe again. In the last ten days, my energy for life has returned little by little. Yesterday, I even did a very radical thing. I cleaned out the bathroom medicine cabinet and cupboards and threw about half of it away. It felt so good. I also moved my desk out of our bedroom about 5 days ago, another way overdue activity. I don’t know what it is about this human experience that causes me to do things this way, but it seems to take a significant event for me to move.

It’s amazing how much this cancer has caused me to get moving, on several levels. First, Pete and I started walking twice a day; before breakfast and before dinner, mostly to handle the stress. Prior to that, we would only go on walks occasionally. Now, it is a requirement for the stress and as side benefit it is making me stronger too.

Next up was a change in diet. It happened rather naturally because I needed to adjust. So now I’m down to just ½ cup of black tea which is my only caffeine for the day. Less caffeine also helps the tension AND I stay hydrated better. I eat hardly any sweets and no snacks between meals. This helped with managing the drugs that were making me bloated. We’ve focused our diet on high protein and vegetables with some fruit. I still eat a little bread but that too has gone way down. All this because Cancer showed up at my door and started making demands! Hmmmm. 

Of course, in terms of treatment, I’m just getting my feet wet. I still have 5 ½ months to go on chemotherapy. And then possibly surgery and radiation after that, depending on how it all goes. I will likely tire more easily as it progresses and lose my hair and whatever else might happened. But this beginning gives me hope, that there will be good results from this time as well. For instance, I’m sitting here in chemo writing, not watching TV or checking FB but writing. And that’s a great place to start.

Part 3: My Backyard: my oasis and refuge

I'm fortunate to have the most peaceful backyard, complete with fountains, hammock chairs, hammock, treehouse, birds singing, dragonflies, the occassional bunny and lots of shade provided my very dear tree friends. So, when I get home from chemo, I set up myself with tea and the hammock chair and a camera, just in case. The trees draw my eyes upward. The birds sing along. The breeze calms my heart. The hammock chair cradles me in its gentle lap. These are moments when I get to just be held in beauty. More peace. I'm so grateful.

Part 4: Friendship is the best medicine
Once again, I thank all of you for your support. Many of you have offered to help in anyway that is needed. Please know that in this beginning part that when I do figure out what I need, I will let you know. Otherwise, your cards and emails, your prayers and conversations with me online are very useful to me. Truly. So thank you for that. From the bottom my heart! Your friendship, however it is expressed, is the best medicine!

With gratitude for the "peace in the middle of the storm." (from Barbara McAfee's song, Surrounding You.)

Jules

The Many Gifts of Friendship

Photo Painting
by Rena Joy, my Amazing Soul Sister

I"m grateful this morning for great friends, who allow me to be, who invite me to be and who defend me even against my own worst judgment, who lift me up to the light and mirror for better reflection. Thank you, thank you!

TWO PERSPECTIVES --7 YEARS APART

Checking out life at age 53

My True Self Isn't Always Comfortable (May 29, 2012) 

[I was 53 years old when I wrote this]

Sometimes I wish it wasn't true...that I wouldn't melt so easily...that I could do whatever I wanted without fear, without concern...that I wouldn't be afraid of consequences or how my actions might affect those I love...but then i wouldn't be me. And as it turns out, I am me, so my heart rules, love is more important than being right, kindness is more important that winning, creativity is more important than perfection, making a difference is more important that making a buck. Sometimes I wish I could play by the rules of "getting ahead, being successful, getting recognized, belonging" but then i wouldn't be me. And still, sometimes riding the tension between the extremes gets tiring, sometimes.

Making Friends with My True Self at Sixty (May 29, 2019)

Nearly three months into turning 60, I am loving it. It is not without challenges but mostly I love it. What I am noticing more and more is a growing comfort in my own skin, a growing confidence in the unique set of attributes that make me, me. I'm making friends with my true self. It's kind of amazing! 

Of course this didn't just happen all of a sudden at 60 though. It happened because seeds were planted, watered and cared for. It happened because God and I worked together to let go, to remove the weeds as I had the strength to do so (those lies that were choking me out). Some of that work was hard. Some was joyful. It happened because friends, over a sustained period of time, either showed me who I don't want to be or who I clearly want to be. It happened because someone besides me believed in me and took the time to show up. It was a collaborative effort! 

Inviting the fog to lift and the true self to emerge

And now some things about my true self have become clear. I notice that after a lifetime of hiding my voice in the back of the choir, I am truly happy and at home with my singing voice. It is enough and I don't need it to be more. I just love singing. I notice that even though I never thought I would teach, I love teaching! And even in the challenge and doubt of whether I am doing it right, I love how preparing to teach makes me focus on what's most important, it makes me the best me. I notice that when I read things I wrote 15 to 20 years ago, I love that old me too, even though she still had tons of angst. 

I'm still growing. I'm still making friends with pieces of the puzzle that I have only just discovered. There is more true self to come. And, I still dance with my false self from time to time, when the lies of loneliness and sorrow get a little loud. Even so, I heartily recommend getting older. So far, I'm thinking it's a really good deal! 

May the gift of aging be that you make friends with yourself!

~just jules 

THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules

The Sacredness of a Cup of Tea (or Coffee)

"A cup of tea becomes sacred time when shared with the heart of another." ~ Jules

There are some things one can't write in a public forum because there are people's privacy to protect. So many times, I have wanted to write a blog about an incredible person who has crossed my path but to share the magic of that I’d be sharing personal things about them that might not be helpful to share in public. And other times, I've been tempted to write something not so nice which I quickly realize won't help and is most likely coming from my own unmet expectations.

Perhaps that's why it is so important that we not just write and post and Twitter and Facebook but that we meet face to face, one on one or in trusted circles to share our deeper and messier and lovelier selves. When I find out who the real you is, with all the bumps and pimples and all the bravery and courage, I am even more inspired than I was when I first saw the twinkle and shine in your eyes. It has often been said that "misery loves company" and it is true. It really does help to vent our misery with others AND to discover that we are not alone in it. What we don't notice as often is that "joy loves company" too. Joy shared is gratitude that finds its way to your bones and lives. When we share our vulnerability, when we give voices to our gratitude, it becomes an abundance and that makes the world a better place.

Which brings me to why I haven't been writing more in my blog lately. I have plenty to say but right now I am focusing more energy on in-person, face-to-face meetings; spending more time with real people, with real messes and real victories to share. This is partly the gift of summer and more freedom to get out. (My work increases during the school year) And I Love it. I LOVE, love what happens to my heart, my soul when the real story is shared in real time. I love how the Holy Spirit begins to show up too. I know it takes time, but it is totally worth it. I hope I can keep making time for this.

So, this is an open invitation to you. Consider contacting someone you would like to talk to and setting up a real conversation, maybe add a cup of coffee or tea. Perhaps if we all spend more time sharing our SORROW AND our JOY, we'll stop pushing against each other and instead find ourselves inspired, encouraged and praying for one another.

And now I'm off to share the privilege of time with a friend.

~Jules, 8/28/18

Peace Be

So last night as I was falling asleep, I thought of something that belonged on my to-do list that I keep forgetting. I had such a great sleep last night, best one in a long time, but I was kicking myself for not getting up and writing that forgetful item down. I have NO idea what it was!

In an effort to remember, I decided to sit down and run through my whole TO-DO list on paper. It is a good practice for me to once in a while sit and write it all down. I wondered too, what other things I might be forgetting. And now I'm wondering when I am going to do all that and if I really do all that? My goodness! Life so easily fills in the blanks, that I might have to get better at scheduling space for thought and reflection.

So, I wish I could remember what I forgot AND I'm also grateful that the reason I forgot is that I had one of the best rests last night. I am so grateful to wake up refreshed. I think a good sleep might be one of life's best treasures.

And I'm grateful for having a life, however messy and weird it might be. I have a life to live and that's a good thing even if I can't do it all.

And I'm grateful for my young friend who came over yesterday and inspired me with her creativity and incredible presence and her truth. Thank you.

So, peace to the forgetful mind. It'll likely come back to my consciousness when I least expect it but if it doesn't, the world won't end. Life will go on.

And peace to this day. Just a little love and kindness will get us through.

And peace to all who are struggling with something today. A little prayer will help. (I know all your prayers help me)

And peace to my neighbor who just stopped by for a moment just now. She need some tea and I was happy to be able to provide her with some. I am grateful for her presence on my block.

And peace to my friends far and wide who have either asked for my support or provided support for me when I have asked. We all need a little help from our friends. We really do. We're not going to finish this race without that.

So I started with being frustrated at myself and my forgetfulness and end with gratitude for the richness of friends and neighbors, the gift of sleep and a little kindness and the healing that comes with a little prayer.

And that's why I like the practice of journaling and blogging and even the occasional Facebook post. It can help us find the gifts, if we give ourselves the time and space.

Peace be with you this day!

love, jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#22: A THANKSGIVING PRAYER

Happy Thanksgiving!--part 3
I found this Thanksgiving Prayer in my archives. I wrote it on November 23, 2001, a year after Hans died. It is obvious the effect that the loss of this little boy had on me! I want to share it with you now. I know it doesn't suit everyone's situation. I know that this day is about family and togetherness and there are many who don't or can't have that for all kinds of reasons. I know, for some this day will be painful or a mixture of all kinds of feelings. Wherever you are today, I pray that you can reach your hand out at some point and touch someone and be able to say "thank you." In my humble opinion, life doesn't get any better than that. 

Here is my Thanksgiving Prayer/Meditation:

Take a deep breath,
Slow down your thoughts,
Take another deep breath, and another,
You have just taken in again God’s gift of life.
Every breath is a gift, a sacrament,
And every plant on the earth provides the oxygen,
And provides the food,
All are a part of the gift of life God gives us. 

In a few moments we will be strengthened
By the feast that we are about to eat.
We will be doubly blessed and doubly strengthened
By sharing this feast with loved ones. 

Reach out your hands now to the person on either side of you.
Feel the energy of the love that passes
Through your hands.
God has blessed us with this amazing fantastic family.
We thank God for the gift of those who we wish were with us here today.
Let us pray the table prayer
which Hans helped us learn from his prayer book. 

 “God we thank you for this food,For rest and home and all things good,For wind and rain and sun above,But most of all for those we love.” 

 While we continue holding hands
Each person look to the left and
Thank God for the person next to you
And for one other thing
Until the circle is complete.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#14: MY FRIENDS

Friendship!
Hearts united by the mutual joy!
Dancing together through the messes of life!
My friends!

They are beautiful!
Of course!

I couldn't be more grateful for the stunning and incredible people that I get to be close to; especially these last ten years!

Singing, laughing, crying, groaning and growing together! Celebrating, honoring, challenging and reaching out to each other! My sisters of heart lift me up when I am down, remind me in a very nice way that it is not all about me AND it is all about me. And just like in the picture, they free me to dance to my own rhythm, to play, to be fully myself while also returning the favor. And what a great dance it is! They bring me hope, give me love and in the midst of their own mess find a way to give me wisdom. Friends are the best possible idea God/Love ever had! 

Thank you to all of you! 

I couldn't have made it this far without you! 

Today, I am grateful for FRIENDS!

KINDNESS: Everyday people reaching out to everyday people

I was reading Dragonfly Project email just now...mostly "thank you" messages. Tears form as my heart swells with gratitude for this work and this gift. This project is just one of many where everyday people reach out to other everyday people to offer help, encouragement, comfort and love.
It is not obvious because our general tendency is to tell the bad news, but this kind of stuff happens all the time. People see someone in need or pain and do something, often just something small, to offer support.
Have you ever noticed that just an invitation, just a note from someone saying they are thinking of you or just a smile from a stranger can make all the difference in your day? Where would I be now if not been for the kindness of someone I barely knew reaching out to me to offer the comfort of the Dragonfly Story those many years ago? I drop something in the store and some stranger picks it up for me. That big rig on the freeway gave me a chance to get in the lane. I offered to sleep on the couch but my mother-in-law made a bed up for me. That was one of the best sleeps I've had lately. It doesn't always have to take that much for us to offer kindness.
So here I sit fifteen years after the founding of the Dragonfly Project with tears of gratitude in my eyes and deep joy in my heart. Ten years ago I also joined a hospice/comfort choir (sometimes called "Threshold choir"). Morning Star Singers is everyday people offering their voices to comfort those struggling with health and well being, life and death. Having been on both sides of kindness, I can say with certainty that the seeds of kindness that were planted by others have grown into quite a garden of color in my heart. And the seeds of kindness that I have planted have brought me even deeper joy with the wonder of the way love works, the way peace works, the way we were created.
My friend Barbara McAfee has written a song about this profound thing we call kindness. I am attaching the link here. I hope you will listen and be inspired. Let's give Kindness a chance.


Here is the sound cloud link to the "Kindness" song and the lyrics in the box to the left.
https://soundcloud.com/barbara-mcafee/kindness
Barbara McAfee's website
Morning Star Singers website

The Dragonfly Project website

Kindness

Tonight, I was answering Dragonfly Project customer service mail. I'm not always as responsive as I could be but tonight I had an opportunity to offer some kindness to someone who had accidentally ordered the wrong thing. So I took the time to write a special note back to them. I don't know if it will make a difference but in the moment I thought of all the times people, for no other reason than kindness and generosity, offered me some grace.

My friend Barbara McAfee has this song "Kindness" that I just love. I've been fortunate to sing this song with her and others several times. I have to say it is a song that has gotten under my skin. I especially love this line "if those who owed us nothing, gave us nothing, how poor we'd be. The very source of life itself is generosity."

It's true! Where would be without the generosity of strangers? How would have ever made it this far with kindness and generosity? So often, we are encouraged to be focused on our selves. what do we need? What will best for us? Well, along the way I've discovered that sometimes what is best for me is to be generous and kind to a person, perhaps even someone I don't know. It's not just a gift to them but a gift to myself to add some love to the universe. Maybe this is the way my heart gets a chance to grow. Whatever the case, I hope my gesture helped in some way.

You can listen to Barbara's song here:

UPDATE: I heard back from the customer, who was grateful for the extra personal contact. She plans to  order more cards from us. And she feels her heart has been heard. Kindness. It's a powerful thing.

Jewels in the Darkness

I love my life! even when it means listening to sad stories, or struggle. I've heard plenty in the last few days. People hurting each other, people in pain, people feeling lonely and scared, people dying too young. In addition, I've been working on a memorial photo slide show for the Annual Dragonfly Project Celebration and Remembrance event. So for the past several days I've spent about thirteen hours staring at the faces of people who have died and feeling that grief that their loved ones feel.

Sometimes being human is hard and painful, scary and disappointing. Sometimes, despite our efforts things don't go like we want. And yet there is light. There is hope. As I'm listening, I'm looking in their eyes and right there are the jewels of hope. In those precious eyes I see love determined to not let go, I see passion ready to break through walls, I see hope. I hear it in the way the voice wavers for a bit and then continues. The voice bravely moving through the struggle to speak the truth, to say the words that need to be heard. I feel it in the intensity of the emotion. Here is a person who has very strong feelings. The intensity is a sure sign that love is at work, that love wants to win this one. There is hope.

And as I work with the photos of loved ones who have died, I am touched deeply by all the lives all these people have touched, leaving behind love--love enough to make them remember, love enough to honor and grieve for. There is hope even in grief.

Even so, I cry. And even in that, there is hope. It is a sign that my heart is still at work too, that compassion still lives in me. And that is hopeful.

So I still love my life. And I am grateful for each person whose path has crossed mine this week. Thank you for seeing me, for sharing your heart with me, for trusting me with your pain, and for letting me see the light in the darkness, the jewels in your eyes.

My good friend Barbara McAfee wrote this song "Jewels." my favorite line from that is "Every time I go into the darkness, I return with fists full of jewels." She is right! I do! and in my case, I also return with fists full of Jules. Pieces of me are healed and brought to life.

It is my prayer, my longing, that somehow my presence and my listening offers some hope in return, that there is some light shining through, some jewel for each of you to take with you.

I want to share this song with you and hope it blesses you as it has blessed me. And I pray that LOVE will help you find your jewels in the darkness.

Thank Barbara McAfee for the song! You can find more about Barbara at barbaramcafee.com

Winning the Lottery!

July 21, 2016

In 1959 I was born into a beautiful and loving family. I am just so grateful that I landed there. My parents were in their forties, about 10 to 15 years older than my friends and peers. My siblings, (all 5 of them) were off at boarding school, 700 miles away. [my parents were Lutheran missionaries on the island of Madagascar from 1948 to 1976 and boarding school was part of that experience] My mom and I flew down to introduce me to them when I was 6 weeks old, the first of many attempts at family reunions--with intention to be family together. But as it turned out, we never really did live together except for a few vacations here and there. There weren't as many gatherings as we wanted. Like the others, I went to boarding school too, when i was in first grade and on from there. And then after college, each of us in turn spread our wings and flew far and wide and now live in 5 different states and coast to coast.

As I look back over the last 57 years, there have been a lot of tear-filled nights and days, longing for my family, wishing I could live with them and praying that one day, I would have a family to really belong to. This being apart has influenced both my mistakes and my wholehearted decisions. It's been my deepest pain and most exquisite gift.

Three weeks ago was our most recent family reunion. We all (all 6 of us siblings) came together (plus a few spouses and children) to spend a week together. It was amazing! It was loving and it was, for a few days, that feeling of family. We did more story-telling than ever before. We spent more time together. I found myself returning to that deep gratitude, for landing there, in that place 57 years ago. We've all grown up a lot, we're all in our wisdom years and now in addition to loving each other, we have the grace to just be together and enjoy the moments when we can. I am filled with love and gratitude for that week.

I can't stop  there though. I have to include another reunion that happened the week before when I spent a week with 7 women that I have known since birth as all of us grew at boarding school together, all of us close to the same age. We had a reunion at one of their homes and spent a week, laughing, talking, crying and just wallowing in this space of friendship and this feeling of family; adopted family. I can't believe the kindness and support and generosity I felt that week. I can only begin to express my gratitude for that.

And there's more! because after both of these reunions I went to practice with my hospice/comfort choir [Morning Star Singers]. And in those first few notes of harmony, I felt so at home, more myself perhaps than I feel anywhere else in the world. This is my tribe too, these gorgeous hearts that live so lovingly, that blend so beautifully, that fight to keep kindness and peace int he world with their presence.

And there's even more! In a few days, I will celebrate 35 years of wonderful, joyful, amazing marriage and friendship with my husband Pete. I can't believe I got so lucky! he is truly one of earth's most treasured gifts. And with him came another entire clan who took me in and cared for me. And with him came our beautiful children and grandchildren. In addition I have great friends who have stood by me through thick and thin.

I feel today as if I've won some secret lottery. And like any winner I am crying with tears of joy. I've won it all! --Family, partnership, marriage, friends and time to enjoy them!

How many ways is there to say thank you? and grateful? I thought perhaps this old picture of me would do the trick. In honor of all those who have touched my heart and my life, I raise my hands to the heavens!

Thank you!

The Basement Excavation: Giving Thanks for the Connections

In the silence of the early morning, I stopped to meditate for a bit, to ponder. I became overwhelmed with gratitude for this knowing in my bones that I am not alone, that Love, that God, that all of you are with me. I have spent a lot of my life longing for connection (due in part to the conditions of my childhood growing up in a boarding school).

Later, down in the basement, the box I picked up to go through contained all of the sympathy cards sent to us after our son Hans died fifteen years ago. As I threw them into the recycling, I opened each one to read the names signed inside. I just wanted to see the names again. A feeling of gratitude washed over me and stopped me in my tracks. I am so thankful for the community of people whose threads of love held us up during that dark time.

As part of my ongoing longing to connect, I signed up for Facebook long before many of my peers. As a result I was able to "find" people I had lost track of. But Facebook itself is a surreal place. It is not a place of real connection, of real relationship but it is a place where we can come and remember how connected we are. As I have been going through decades of letters, cards and notes, I am experiencing the same thing there. Those letters and cards are not the real relationship but they are a reminder of all the connections my family has had over the years. Honestly, if I had to count them all, there would be hundreds of people over the years that have woven their threads with ours. Perhaps that is part of the answer of why my mom and her parents saved so many of their letters--as visible reminders of those connections. I can't say I blame them. Sometimes when we feel so alone, we need those reminders. It can help to have someone call or text or send you little note on email.

Brene Brown says humans are "wired for connection." This is certainly true in my case. There have been times when I have felt so alone, so separate from family, from friends and even from God. The longing to connect has sometimes been a physical pain in my body. But always when I pause to look and listen, to meditate and ponder, I notice there are threads there. You are there! And I fill up with gratitude and realize I have enough, more than enough.

So if I haven't thanked you lately, for weaving your threads with mine, consider yourself thanked! Friends like you, are worth more than all the gold!

THANK YOU! MERCI BEAUCOUP! MANGE TUSEN TAKK! MISAOTRA!