An Empty Nest Moment

Grief showed up again in a moment of memory. And once it starts, it comes flooding in. It's hard to stop.

Some grief is shared and some grief is just you and your heart touching a memory. The sometimes frustrating thing is that the memory is sweet. It's a reminder of what a great life I have had, how lucky I was to have such a sweet family, to be the mother of such amazing boys, even my dear Hans who left us seventeen years ago. Such sweet memories I have, of giggles and shouts and playing Legos and singing songs. Messes everywhere, that I worked way to hard to get cleaned up. Chores that I tried way to hard to get them to do. Even so, we had laughter and adventure, ballgames and homework and conversations or debates that taught me how to be a better me. I loved my life with my four young boys and later my three teenagers who are now grown men.

How does a life so full and so big suddenly become so small, just me and sometimes my husband, sitting quietly for hours working at home on a computer? Not another soul for hours. Just little me. Oh God, how I miss those days! And how grateful I am that I have those days to miss! 

And so the tears flow freely, letting some of my heart have its way. I am grateful and yet it is lonely in this cave of memory where only me and all those beautiful thoughts sit wondering how to savor it, and hang on so it doesn't feel like I lost it all.

Grief. It is a beautiful thing and it is a lonely thing. so it is best to take it in small doses. Then I go back to my current life with a renewed sense of gratitude that I still have a life to live and people to share it with and room to grow.


Sending peace and hugs to you for your moments of sorrow, however small they are.

Sending love,
jules

Peace Be

So last night as I was falling asleep, I thought of something that belonged on my to-do list that I keep forgetting. I had such a great sleep last night, best one in a long time, but I was kicking myself for not getting up and writing that forgetful item down. I have NO idea what it was!

In an effort to remember, I decided to sit down and run through my whole TO-DO list on paper. It is a good practice for me to once in a while sit and write it all down. I wondered too, what other things I might be forgetting. And now I'm wondering when I am going to do all that and if I really do all that? My goodness! Life so easily fills in the blanks, that I might have to get better at scheduling space for thought and reflection.

So, I wish I could remember what I forgot AND I'm also grateful that the reason I forgot is that I had one of the best rests last night. I am so grateful to wake up refreshed. I think a good sleep might be one of life's best treasures.

And I'm grateful for having a life, however messy and weird it might be. I have a life to live and that's a good thing even if I can't do it all.

And I'm grateful for my young friend who came over yesterday and inspired me with her creativity and incredible presence and her truth. Thank you.

So, peace to the forgetful mind. It'll likely come back to my consciousness when I least expect it but if it doesn't, the world won't end. Life will go on.

And peace to this day. Just a little love and kindness will get us through.

And peace to all who are struggling with something today. A little prayer will help. (I know all your prayers help me)

And peace to my neighbor who just stopped by for a moment just now. She need some tea and I was happy to be able to provide her with some. I am grateful for her presence on my block.

And peace to my friends far and wide who have either asked for my support or provided support for me when I have asked. We all need a little help from our friends. We really do. We're not going to finish this race without that.

So I started with being frustrated at myself and my forgetfulness and end with gratitude for the richness of friends and neighbors, the gift of sleep and a little kindness and the healing that comes with a little prayer.

And that's why I like the practice of journaling and blogging and even the occasional Facebook post. It can help us find the gifts, if we give ourselves the time and space.

Peace be with you this day!

love, jules

The Heart and the Mind or the Tortoise and the Hare.

So, I was going to write each day of the 12 days of Christmas and suddenly it is the 13th day....or Epiphany or just regular life, depending on your orientation. I don't know what happened to those 12 days except to say that the usual happened. There were parties and concerts and extra special worship services. There were decorations (which are still up) and gift giving and wonderful time with family and all the usual drama that goes with getting through Christmas. What there wasn't was time to really sit quietly with it all and ponder what it means this time around. There wasn't time to think much beyond the happenings. 

And now, I find myself wanting/needing to move on to the new year and the life that is calling me to it. It's time to make phone calls and appointments, to follow through on plans set in place already and make new plans to fill in other spaces. The life of a self-employed person has these waves of activity that require attention. So here I am, just plodding along and hoping to catch up with the song that wants to be sung and live into the heart of the moments. My heart longs to catch up.

Recently, I was thinking of encouraging things to write to a friend. And in the middle of it, this thought came to me. It was very encouraging to me and I hope it will be for you as well. 

Remember the story of "the Tortoise and the Hare?" Remember how the hare goes so quickly but then gets distracted along the way? and the Tortoise goes slowly but faithly gets there and actually wins. So here is my thought for you: 

The Mind races on, gets distracted, caught up in the thought. The Heart is cautious and moves slow and faithfully. 

The two run the race differently so trust that your Heart will win in the end. 

LOVE WINS!

just jules, January 7, 2018