Hope Lives On

Julie & Fara in Madagascar

Tonight, becase my husband is camping with our grandson, I am alone in the house. And because of this, I am watching some auditions from the 2023 season of America’s Got Talent. All of the acts are inspiring but one act in particular gives me a very deep sense of hope and trust.

Although I don’t have a TV, I have occasionally followed America’s Got Talent. I especially like the auditions just to see what creative and brave people come up with to share. A few years ago, one person in particular caught my attention. She went by the name Nightbirde. She had cancer and performed anyway and she moved up the ranks. I remember her song “It’s Okay,” an original of her own. It touched a lot of hearts. Well apparently, people on the other side of the world were listening too. So tonight, I watched a youth choir from South Africa sing Nightbirde’s song because it had given them hope. And because they did such a good job, they got the golden buzzer from all the judges at once.

And this made me think…you just never know what your gift is going to mean. Nightbirde ended up dying from her cancer but her gift gave hope to people all over the world.

 But we don’t have to be on a world stage to bring hope. Earlier this afternoon, I was sitting across the table from a great friend of mine. We were both so touched by the hope we received from each other. And that hope is part of what keeps each of us going….just because we share our hearts and our light with each other.

 It doesn’t matter what you share. It doesn’t matter if you are perfect. All that matters is you share from your heart. And that is what brings hope to someone else. 

 It’s just magical. And hope lives on.

Journal   8/27/2023

Thank you all for the hope!

THE GIFT OF SOLSTICE

The gift of the winter solstice is darkness, night

We are caught for a moment in a sea of black

That seems to have no end, no boundaries

We can only surrender to the mystery of that which we cannot define

Letting ourselves be wrapped in the soft velvety blanket of night

Allowing the gift of it to warm us

The gift of the winter solstice is fire, light

Even as we relinquish control of the shadow,

We reach for the light, turning toward the small flame burning within with new awareness and delight,

We celebrate the brilliance of love and passion

As if experiencing light for the first time

Allowing the gift to fill us and awaken our hearts.

 

12/21/16 jules (photo by jules also)

GRACE ENOUGH -- Part 1

December 20, 2022

Christmas is almost here, or if you celebrate other holidays, those are here as well!

With Christmas just days away, I offer you all this grace-filled word, "ENOUGH.”

Even if you don't bake everything or have a tree, just being together with a few loved ones will be enough. Even if the tinsel is on the floor and the dust bunnies are sneaking around the corner, it is enough. It's great to get things cleaned up and have a reason to. It's great to bake some favorite things and have a reason to. But sharing love and being together (even if only on Zoom) is the reason, celebrating how a little baby could come to a poor mother and turn the world upside down, celebrating how a tiny drop of love can make a whole garden of flowers grow.

I know we want everything to be just right, that we want to gather to sing and celebrate. I want that too, but I think our desire for that is more important than actually getting there. This year I’m offering my heart to this Christmas being enough for me, even in its smallness and to myself being enough.

I just invite you to allow yourself to be enough and allow the plans you have to unfold, with the occasional mess of internet not working or spilled milk. It won't
be perfect but it might be just enough.

Sending grace and Enough,

Jules 

SOLSTICE: FINDING LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

A SOLSTICE WISH FOR YOU

Long, dark nights come. It is true.

There is barely time to catch a ray of sun before the day is over.

Long, dark times come in life too.

There is barely a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

Good news is all but eclipsed by the burdens of life.

Sometimes it seems as if the clouds will never move away.

Even so, the light seems to burn brighter in the darkness

the warmth of love seems more determined than ever

The earth keeps turning, hearts keep beating,

Music keeps humming in my dreams

Then one day it is clear we have crossed that threshold

and we're headed back to lighter days

the darkness goes back to its cave

i pray that on this longest night of the year

you can feel the music that connects you

the hearts that love you

the hope that burns on

and a glimpse of the joy

that will grow from this moment

HAPPY SOLSTICE DEAR FRIENDS!

Love, Jules

~ from December 20, 2019

PRAYING FOR UKRAINE

FINDING HOPE and TEARS IN PRAYER

praying for Ukraine

March 2, 2022

Ash Wednesday for many believers

At 10:00 am Central Time in the USA, the Lutheran World Federation hosted a service of prayer for the war in the Ukraine on Zoom. I had wanted to take time to really pray for this awful situation so I signed on. I was not prepared for how many and diverse a group of people it would be. Wow!

The people offering their thoughts and prayers on  the screen were from many different faith expressions and denominations. I didn't count those, just noted them. The people listening were from 45 countries, as far as I was able to count. See the list i have posted here. So there was translater button at the bottom of the screen so that most of us could hear in our own language. And apparently there were about 2000 people on the call. Wow!

They prayed for 

    wisdom

        kindness

            strength

                courage

                   love

                        hope

                           blessings

                                for diversity to be valued

                                    to love our neighbor

                                        for refugees to find safe homes

                                            for wealthy western countries to get over our egos

                                                and even COVID-19 pandemic

                                                    PEACE!

Many tears were shed on this side of the screen. And I remembered my friend Rena's words the other day--"With all that has happened in the past two years, I would ask you, "Why aren't we crying?" And suddenly it seemed like tears were an apt prayer for this horrible circumstance of yet another country trying to invade another by dropping bombs. Tears for letting go of our abiility to control, tears for the loss and grieving of so many, tears for our inability to be helpful, tears for sleepless nights, tears for the sadness of it all. Tears for the beauty of our unity as some 2000 people from nearly every continent gathered their hearts virtually to pray for peace in the world.  

I come away from that hour and a half with renewed hope. And I just wanted to share with you that this had happened. That there are people who want peace, who want to join their energy with others to make this world a better place. This one day of prayer does not fix everything but it is a good beginning because prayer changes us. When we open our hearts to wondering if there is a better way, to the possiblity that healing and courage and love can grow, we are already making healing and courage and love grow in ourselves and making space for that to happen for others as well.

Let us keep praying--in all the ways that we do--for all those things I listed--for wisdom, hope, strength, courage, love, and peace for all our human brothers and sisters all over the world.

As one of the speakers said today: "Let's commemorate this event by being hope!" Amen to that!

~sharing my thoughts and prayers, just Jules

                                            

What will you talk about tomorrow?

what if,

like the birches

in the forest,

like the pine

laden with snow,

like the oak

lying dormant in winter with naked branches

what if like the trees you already are

all you need to be?

what if you already

are enough?

what then?

what if you really are

all you need to be?

what if all you need to do

is accept who you are

and allow yourself to be you?

then what?

what will you talk about tomorrow?

February 1, 2019

by Jules (Julie A. Bonde)

Spring 2021

What does spring mean to me? What am I looking for?—This was the prompt for my writing group a month ago. And here is what I wrote. Who knew Noah would be part of it?

 Spring 2021—what it means to me

What does spring mean to me? I have to say that after the year we had in 2020, everything needs to be redefined. I feel like we just threw out all our mindsets, all our previous beliefs about life, about democracy, about this country we live in, about how the world works, how nature works, how healing works, etc. Even the greening of the trees is going to be different this year. So, I am hard pressed to answer the question “what does spring mean to me?” The question itself implies a continuity that I am just not seeing.

 This year spring comes as I turn 62, an age that a couple years ago, I had expected to be at the top of my game. In terms of career and finding myself beyond parenting and family, I am a late bloomer. I was just hitting my stride when I turned sixty. A year ago, I was looking forward to leading more workshops, organizing more retreats, and encouraging even more people to listen to the wisdom of the spirit within. Then the pandemic came, then I got cancer, then our democracy started to crumble. And now I just pray spring comes, that God sends us a miracle of new life, of new health. I pray that like Noah and his family, we get to start over after the destruction of the flood, with a clean slate. It will not be easy to start over but I just long for that day when we look up and see the sign that tells us YES!

Will it be a rainbow? How did Noah know that a rainbow was it? Will it be a green bud on that old bush in the back yard that we thought was dead? Will it be my granddaughter reading me her first whole book because she finally got to go back to school in person? Will it be that the numbness in my feet starts to go away and I can walk barefoot and feel the grass? What will be the sign that the spring of our humanity has returned? Will a republican and a democrat suddenly reveal on Twitter that they have been secretly working together and have a plan for cooperation to return to our government? Will we finally understand that healing requires that we breathe the air from the trees on the other side of the world? That we finally understand that healing requires leaning on the wisdom of the water carrier in the Congo even as we offer our financial support to her village? That we finally understand we are one? That we finally understand that we are one.

That will be spring to me this year---healing as community works together, healing as my body finding its way to wholeness again, healing as we reach our hands out and our hearts out touching each other with genuine kindness and care, healing as we finally begin to listen to each other’s stories, healing as we finally agree to support all humans as we would our brothers and sisters. This will be spring to me this year and it might not come in March or April. I don’t know if I’ll see the signs, but I pray that Noah will teach me how to know that a rainbow or the green grass or the eagle flying overhead is a sign that God’s grace has returned to us.

 By Jules Bonde—2/2/2021

Finding Hope in the Trees during Challenging Times

January 9, 2021

Deep breath! What a week! Earlier this week, I went to radiology therapy for my pre-treatment dry run. At the exact same time, a group of insurrectionists gathered and with encouragement from our president and others, stormed the capitol. In addition, I have been getting messages from friends who have had major health issues or family deaths without a chance to gather for funerals. So many reasons to be discouraged. Enough said!

The next day I had my first of 20 radiation treatments to discourage my breast cancer from coming back. The treatments only take 10 minutes or so but it is a 15 to 20 minute drive each way. The treatments are every weekday until I have finished them all. It is not lost on me that there is a cancer of sorts in our culture too. I think we all feel it. Whether we know how to name it or how to cure it, we feel it in our bones or the shortness of our breath. It's been there a long time and only now got serious and big enough for us to really know that we need healing. We need to stop and allow healing to happen. 

One of the things that has worked for me in the past and is especially helpful to me this past ten months has been going for a daily walk. Because I have been very weak some of that time, I hold onto my husband's arm and we sometimes walk very slow and don't go far. It is just important to at least get out of my house and walk around the neighborhood. I haven't always been faithful at this in the past but lately it is part of what saves me. This practice is not just about exercise. It is about seeing the other part of the world, the other part of our reality, outside of our four walls and the screens that connect us now. 

The other thing that has worked for me is that I often take a camera with me or at least use my phone camera. The camera helps me really see what is there. The more I look, the more I am stunned at how abundant our world is. And by that I mean an abundance of beauty, of love, of glorious life! I look at the big and I look at the small details and the more I look, the more densely packed the world is with amazing life! 

This practice seeps into my relationships. I started noticing how incredible people are too. Although I'm less likely to take photos of them, I keep a heart picture of them inside of me. In the face of so many reasons to give up or lose hope, most people perservere and some even shine brighter than ever, making me wonder how I could let a little thing like spilled tea or lost keys or rush hour traffic bother me; making me think I can overcome this cancer and live on. And it makes me wonder how to invite that abunbance into the spotlight, so that we have hope of healing the community.

Today, my answer to that question is just to share some of my photos with you (see link at the end of this). The photos are all of trees and bushes in my neighborhood within a two-block radius of my house, that I took just this morning. We don't need to look far. We just need to look with eyes and hearts and ears open. There is hope. Here is some of my reason for being grateful and hopeful today. 

I pray that some day soon we'll know how to move through this time and find healing. I pray that my cancer will never come back. In the meantime, the trees and all of your hearts and all of your songs help keep me grounded in love and I hope this helps you too.

peace be with you, Jules

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO SEE THE WHOLE ALBUM

PHASE 3: Radiation PLUS Happy New Year!

 January 4, 2020

On the last day of the year, 12/31/2020, I went to see my radiologist for my mappings scans. This seemed an appropriate way to end the year, after all that has happened. This is the process for them to map out exactly what they will point the radiation at. A physicist works with the radiologist to create a plan using the scans. This week, on Wednesday, I will go back for a final review of the plan and a dry run. Then Thursday, I will start my official radiation treatments. They will be every weekday until I have done 20. My last radiation treatment is Wednesday, February 3rd. Whew!

I am feeling peaceful and hopeful about the radiation. I am assured that the side effects are minor and I am thrilled that it will be over in a month compared to 5 months of chemotherapy and all that mess. We can do this! Radiation can kill things scans can't see. The radiation treatments are mainly to prevent recurrence of the cancer.

My neuropathy continues to be an annoying issue. I keep hoping the feeling in my feet and fingers will someday come back. Sigh! Meantime, my hair is beginning to grow back. My grandson tells me it is "really soft."Yay! And so, I am grateful that you continue praying. My sister once said to me, "if we could bottle prayer, we could cure lots of things." Amen to that!

Meantime, Pete and I have had a wonderful holiday season with our COVID bubble, otherwise known as our kids and grandkids. Since it was also school break, that meant both Jacob and Karl had more time to be with us. We got see all of them for Christmas Eve and all of them at some point around New Year's. We are so grateful for this time to just be together and have some fun. It is good for our souls. I pray that all of you have had some moments of joy too over the holiday. Here is my New Year's Wish for you:

Is the Storm Passing Over?

Saturday Morning Sunrise

Friday Night Storm

These two photos were taken from my hospital room at Southdale 12 hours apart, on my second night here. I was unable to take other pictures but inbetween those two photos, my window showed me quite a storm with lightning and rain and thunder and some sun glow even. This morning as I woke the words of this old spiritual came to me, "The Storm is passing over, the storm is passing over, the storm is passing over, alleluia." So last night's storm has passed and I hope that my personal little health storm has passed as well. 

Wednesday, August 5th, I had my last(4th) AC Chemo treatment. I knew that the cumulative effect could make the days following harder then my other treatments. I was hopeful when Thursday, August 6th was a fabulous day for me. Then Friday, I started crashing, feeling exhausted. Saturday, Sunday and Monday were brutal days. Constipation, diarrhea, excessive hiccuping and burping, gas, poor appetite and neuropathy (fingertip pain) are among the side effects I was experiencing. I did slowly improve and thought I was going to be okay. But I wasn't. Wednesday was a hard day and Thursday I was still struggling. Thursday afternoon/evening, after another hard day, it was clear I had a fever and chills. We called the nurse and were told I needed to go in to the ER and be checked out. I went to the ER and was diagnosed with neutropenia, an extreme low white blood count. They started me on IV antibiotics right away and then ran tests to look for cause. I was admitted late that night to Southdale Hospital. 

AC Chemo is known for causing the white count to dip but I guess I dipped a bit too low. As of this writing, they didn't find any cause. No COVID and no known bacteria, that I have heard yet. Evenso, my white blood count needs to be at a safe level for them to send me home. I am hoping that happens today. I am feeling much better. My diet has improved. My overall feeling is peaceful now. I hoping my storm has passed and I can go home and rest with ease again. I am hoping today is that day, the day my white blood count is high enough to go home. Cross your fingers.

Meantime, we've got others storms brewing in our world. So while we both wait, perhaps you'd like to listen to the song: The STORM is PASSING OVER. Enjoy!

STAYING AT HOME (Grounding in Home)

STAYING AT HOME / GROUNDING IN HOME
April 12, 2020 [it's been almost 30 days since we started closing down and sheltering at home during the Coronavirus/COVID-19 crisis]

Officially, during the last 4 weeks, we have been under a "Stay at Home" order in Minnesota. Some call it "lockdown," some call it "sheltering at home," some call it "sabbath," hmmmm. I guess what you call it depends on your perspective. Officially, I can't write in my journal right now without having this situation be part of my thoughts. Quite simply, the COVID-19 crisis has affected everyone and everything I know, except love. Love is a constant.

Coincidentally, my book group started reading and discussing "Grounded: Finding God in the World, A Spiritual Revolution" by Diana Butler Bass in mid-February. After being derailed for a couple weeks, I invited the group to meet with me on Zoom to connect and discuss the book. Also, coincidentally, the chapter we discussed last Thursday is called "Home." Butler Bass does a great job of thoroughly covering the subject of home (ancient history to modern times including Bible and church effects on home) except she doesn't cover what home might come to mean to us after a mass quarantine such as we are in the middle of. Truthfully, I don't know the answer to that either but I do have some thoughts I'd like to share.

So what is home? Where do you live? How do you define home? What does it mean for you? I agree with Butler Bass that these are sacred questions. So I ask, what does 'Stay at Home' mean for your heart?

The beach I grew up on in Madagascar

Home as a Place: In my early years, home was plain and simply Madagascar (the island on the other side of the world, not the movie). The whole island, which is as large as Texas, felt like home to me. The climate, the people, the food, the earth, everything felt like home. It is the place of my birth, which is often our early definition of home. In particular, the ocean was home to me. The ocean is constantly moving and changing, always another wave coming in and in that changing, there is life you can count on. I always feel better in my heart, like I am home when I am near the ocean. The second best is being near any other body of water. Home is a place where my feet can wade in the water and know there is life, there is breath, there is another day.

Home as Family: It gets messier when you start thinking about home and family as being synonyms. It's messy because family is messy. My parents loved each other and the world. They also loved their faith life. To the best of their ability, they tried to create home for us, a place where we could grow in love and faith. My dad as a missionary pastor enthusiastically shared his faith with us. My own faith journey starts with my parents. In many little ways, my parents are why I feel so connected to my own spiritual grounding. God's love and grace is home to me.

the HOME, Missionary Children's Home

But, (with family there is always a but) we all went off to boarding school when we were 5 or 6. In fact my siblings were already there when I was born. So the messy of my family is that we never really lived together all in one place, as a family. Then the kids and adults at boarding school became a second family to me, one just as messy. In fact our boarding school was affectionately called "the Home," short for Missionary Children's Home. There was the girls I had as a roommates who still feel more like siblings than my family of origin. There were the houseparents who were there when I was sick, who heard me give my first speech and my first piano recital and all that. And there was the fact the missionary family were are always coming and going, so one could never sink roots too deep. You had to be ready for the next goodbye.

Then when I came back to the states both of those families evaporated. Once in America, my parents and siblings ended up living coast to coast and all in different states. It is hard to build relationship from a distance. The same was true of my classmates and peers from boarding school. For awhile and even still, it often has felt like I am an orphan, without a family. Dad and Mom died 33 and 13 years ago respectively. At moments I have even been jealous of friends' siblings fighting, thinking "at least you have a sibling to fight with." I did get a new family though. I married my dear husband straight out of college, when we were 22. Part of the attraction was that he had a family, a very grounded and solid one. The Bonde family has been such a gift to this orphan. I've been able to graft my heart on to their solid vine and have some roots as a result. And that's helped Minnesota to feel a bit like home.

Pete & I at home.

I wanted so badly to have family, that I had four kids and then became what is called at "homemaker," a stay-at-home mom. Yes, that's me! I built a whole career, a whole life on stay-at-home. I haven't always like the moniker 'homemaker' but it really does describe it. I didn't just find a home, I created one. And I didn't do it alone. I had help from Pete and my friends and later, my kids. So that's an interesting twist to this combining of family and home. Do you find home or do you create home or is it both? I found Pete to be my home AND Pete and I created a home together.

Home as Relationship and Community: Had you asked me in 1976, where I would make a home in the USA, I would not have said, "Minnesota." It is not my climate at all. I want something closer to the tropics. It is as far away from the ocean as you can get in this country. There are no mountains. My siblings aren't here. But after 39 years of living here, I find myself feeling more and more home. And the reason is not the climate or the river but the people. As time goes by, I find more and more that people are my home. Church is home because it's full of people earnestly searching for a common way of love and forgiveness, people supporting each other, accepting each other. Community song circles are home because they are full of people, bravely willing to live authentically and wholly, offering their pure hearts in song. Writing circles are home, for the same reason. My close friends are home because they invite me to be me. My children and grandchildren are home, each carrying a piece of me in them. And each of them loving me in spite of my mistakes. My husband, Pete, is home. With him, I am truly and wholly myself, in all my dark and light moods. With him. I am home.  Home is the people. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else now because so many of my people live here.

And that brings me back to the corona virus crisis and the order to stay home. I have had moments of naked loneliness because I'm not seeing my people. And I've had moments of deep gratitude that I have people to miss. I've also had time to find the home, the place of center and grounding in me and had time to breathe into the home of my soul. I'm not happy about the crisis but I am grateful for the invitation to breathe within. The question is can I be at home in my heart, soul? Can I be at peace and not afraid of just being with myself? Can we be home in just being? and not always doing?

Other definitions of home: Diana Butler Bass has several definitions of home in her chapter. Here are some of them:

• Home is more than a house (p. 166).
• Home is the geography of our souls (p. 166).
• Home is a place where we belong (p. 167).
• Home is a place where God meets us (p. 167)
• Home is where the heart is (p 172)…the abiding place of our affections.
• Home is the location that shelters our lived experience, but also holds our memories and shapes our desires. (p. 172)

What is your definition of home? How are you being invited to "stay home" during this time of isolation and social distancing? Where do you find home? Where do you live? Who invites you to feel safe at home within?

I pray that as you leand into this time of social distancing, you find peace and health in your home and in your heart.

~Jules

Our Time Within May Lead to New Path

I’ve been drawing labyrinths for about 15 years now. I fell in love with them after walking my first one before I even really knew what they were. Labyrinths have been around for millennia, giving people a meditative path to walk on, without having to go far. It is not a puzzle but a single path to the center. Traditional labyrinths (like the one pictured to the left here) have only one path to the center, which you walk, then when you are ready, return on the same path to get out. This is symbolic of prayer and meditation. We pause, go in to the center, and then return to our lives.

For 2020, I suddenly felt like we needed a new path, a new labyrinth. So I drew this blue one and added notes. In this one we walk to the center, then when we are ready, we walk out by a different path, visiting some of the same scenery but ultimately coming out changed and in a different place. It gives me hope at that this time of going in and then staying in, (this time of the COVID-19 quarantine) will be a time of change, that we will be able to come out of it transformed in a good way and on a new path! In the meantime, please enjoy my labyrinth experience with your fingers...or draw one on the driveway to share.  

                                                
                               ~ prayerfully, jules

You can also access this labyrinth photo here: https://photos.app.goo.gl/BwBJK8THdeNDKEYM6

SONGS OF HOPE TO SHARE #1

Inspired by all the song sharing on Facebook these last 2 weeks, I thought I'd share some songs of hope with you from various sources. Songs to Share during COVID-19 crisis:

This song was written by Linda Allen in response to the burning of the World Trade Center in NYC after 9/11/2001. 

you can find out more about Linda and this song here: https://songsforthegreatturning.net/honoring-our-pain-for-the-world/ashes-and-smoke/

Ashes and Smoke by Linda Allen
"We have been burned, burned by the fire.
And we are ashes, ashes and smoke
And we will rise, higher and higher
On the wings of compassion, justice and hope."
Written by Linda Allen after 9/11/2001, the burning of The World Trace Center in NYC. Singing party nov 2016 www.singportland.com




Laurence is a sweet and powerful song writer and circle song leader. A couple days ago, I came across this one and it touched my heart so deeply during this COVID-19 quarantine. Without jobs to go to, or events to attend, many of us now have time to "busy" ourselves with these heart-centered activities...beauty, love, friendship, peace, health.

you can find out more about Laurence and this song here: https://www.laurencecole.com/album/busy-yourself-making-beauty/

Busy Yourself Making Beauty by Laurence Cole.

Busy yourself making beauty.  Busy yourself making love.

Busy yourself making friendship, and everything else will work out.

GROUNDING MYSELF IN SINGING

GROUNDING MYSELF IN SINGING

Nearly three weeks ago, we all received an invitation, later it became an order, to STAY HOME. A tiny little protein covered with fat, called COVID-19 has turned our world upside down. We've cancelled an important annual event for us personally. We've shut down stores, businesses, schools, churches. There is no book group, no choir practice, no dance party. My planned presentations have been cancelled. People can't do funerals, weddings, birthday parties, graduations. They work from home as best they can. They teach their kids from home. We're living apart....and yet....we are living together again, like we haven't done in years. People are playing and calling and talking and singing. 

in the last three weeks, I've attended 5 singing 'circles' online through the tool we call Zoom. EAch time we've had between 10 and 36 singers on the screen at once. And though we don't get to hear ourselves sing together, we are singing together...one person's microphone is on, the rest are muted. ANd we're singing. And we're seeing each other. In case, I was singing with some people I have sung iwth before, in person and some people I haven't sung with before. In case, I was touched to the core by the vision on the screen. Though we aren't sharing the voice, we are sharing the song and the song/prayer is going out over the airwaves still, the soundwaves traveling out all over the world. 

This is not exclusive to our country. People all over the world are singing, drawn to that natural desire to express what is in their hearts and souls and create harmony and peace and love. 

So I drew this picture as a reflection of what I feel during those Zoom screen singing circles. Though the screen is flat, the circle is still real, like the picture.

Song circles are no longer round

Now faces on a flat screen instead

Zoom in the time of quarantine

Brings hearts together still

Weaving the thread that holds us together

With the voice of longing we all share

For that time when we will again be

Holding hands, Touching hearts, Living free. ~ jules, 3/29/2020

Grounded: Day 6

Grounding My Self in the Morning:

It's 7:40 a.m. . The sun has just come up and it's shining on my face as I drink my tea and read my book. I've just finished some eggs and toast and almond milk. I've had many mornings like this, hundreds, maybe thousands. And each time the sun comes up and my lips touch the cup of tea and my eyes open to a new day and my ears listen to the silence around the ringing in my ears, my heart feels that tingle, that invitation.

Every new morning grounds me in new beginnings, in the taste and flavor of breakfast, and in the light and quiet of the new day. This is my time, my favorite time of day.

On the downside, I wish I could do everything I want to do in this moment of openness and hope, that I wouldn't need all those hours and minutes to get it all in. I know that by three in the afternoon, I won't feel as energized. On the downside I wish you were here with me to share this moment. And in that thought, tears of gratitude and sorrow both run down my cheeks. I'm grateful to have such a person as you in my life and I'm sorry I can't share this with you right now.

But on the plus side there's so much possibility in this day. And who knows? maybe I'll see you? or talk to you? or have a moment to write? And who knows? maybe there's some unexpected joy in it? And who knows where this the day will take us? And who knows? Maybe this is the day you discover love and I discover strength or a new way to get it all done?

Welcome to my morning! I hope your day is filled with hope, joy, peace and that some moment, like this one, grounds you in Love.

Blessings on you,
Jules

YESTERDAY IS ALREADY OURS!

January 2, 2019 (when the real work starts of moving forward)

Dear Friends,

It's the morning after the morning after, January 2nd, when we have to truly head back to work, and remember to put the correct year on our checks, if indeed we still write checks. For me today, that meant reviewing the chapters for discussion at my book group gathering tomorrow morning. We've been reading "The Other Side of Chaos: Breaking through when life is breaking down" by Margaret Silf. It's a fantastic book to read on your own, very useful for your inner work AND also very useful for dialog with others. I highly recommend you read it...no matter your age or circumstance. 

My favorite part of the reading this week is Chapter 14: Yesterday is Already Ours! And rather than do too much commentary, I thought I'd just share my favorite quotes from this chapter (see below). Silf manages to hit the nail on the head for me...getting at what holds me back most often..the fear of losing what I had. What a hopeful thought, that we can't lose what is already ours because we carry it forever in our hearts! I believe that now! And I'm glad for her way of reminding me of that.

I hope you read the book and I pray you'll be able to move forward knowing that what you treasure most can never be taken from your heart.

Blessings on you as you lean into the new year!   ~ jules (1/2/19)

• But what struck me most about Cadfael’s comment was his affirmation that “yesterday is already ours.” One of our biggest fears, and the cause of so much resistance to change, is that we think we are on the verge of losing, irrevocably, what we value from our past. Yes, like Cadfael, we have a past. To be human is to have a past. Some of that past may be about things we wish we could put behind us forever and wipe clean from the slate of memory. Other things we cherish and dread losing. To embrace the unknown future that change and transition hold out to us is, we feel, to risk losing all that we have invested our lives in so far.
• "Don’t be afraid that in letting go you are losing anything at all, because everything that matters, from this time of graced encounter, or from any other experience in your life, has been internalized and is firmly lodged in your heart. It is yours. It is a part of you. It travels with you and can never be lost.”
• Nothing can take from us the gift of all that our past has given us.
• We can’t lose it, and it will play a crucial part in shaping our future.
• The big question for me is this: when I look at the cherished item that I am trying to carry through the shifting scenes of my life, am I trying to turn back the clock, or am I just wanting to remind myself that the past is still an active part of me?
• The past is already ours; these photos and mementos remind us daily that this treasure that was ours is not lost but carried with us, not just in our bags but in our hearts. And the future is ours, too, to explore and, we hope, to make a contribution to. This isn’t nostalgia. This is wisdom.

And questions from Margaret Silf to ponder:

What treasure from your own past experiences or relationships do you feel has been internalized and forever absorbed into your heart? Notice how it continues to enrich you. It has been said that our memories are like a garden from which we can never be expelled. Which memories in your soul’s garden are life-giving, making you feel more fully alive in the present moment and more hopeful for the future? Is there anything that you cling to from the past that you feel may be holding you prisoner in false nostalgia and blocking your way ahead? The yearning to go back to what has passed can take over our consciousness to the extent that we actually fail to see, let alone respond to, the beckoning of the future and the joys and challenges of the present moment. Do you detect any symptoms like these in your present situation? 

It Starts with a Trickle

July 2018--The Mississippi Headwaters

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to be at the Mississippi Headwaters with my family. I've been there a number of times, the first time when I was just 9 years old. And all that time, I've always known this was the start of the Mississippi, the same river we cross in the Twin Cities on a daily basis. So this year it surprised me a little when I had a new experience of it.

While some of the family was walking in the water up to the first foot bridge and other family were watching the stuff, I had the opportunity to walk alongside the river on my own. That's when it hit me...if you didn't know any better, you'd just call this a creek. It's so little, you might not even give it that much credit. At very beginning it's just a trickle of water over the rocks in the corner of Lake Itasca, shallow enough for my 3-year-old granddaughter to wade in it. By the foot bridge, it is still only knee or thigh high. It's a very small movement. It's almost nothing and yet it isn't.

I thought how the Mississippi is one of the major life forces of this country, bringing life and energy to both people and animals. It's the reason people came and built towns and cities. It's part of the reason this part of the world became farmland. For centuries, that water has found its way from northern Minnesota all the way to the gulf carrying nutrients and water and people and animals along with it.

And that's when this idea hit me: every major movement starts with a trickle. We don't know at the beginning how far it will move us. We may never know how the kindness we do today grows and moves as it travels from one person to another. Pete and I have had the opportunity to cross the Mississippi River at many points from the innocent beginning to the Gulf of Mexico. It travels a long way, through many different ecosystems, towns and cities.

What if the love we share today is the trickle that will bring hope and life down river? What if it's not hopeless or pointless to keep on trying? The trickle takes awhile to build momentum but mile after mile, day after day, it gathers more energy and speed and life as other water ways join it.

So, I'm wondering, how will I offer some kindness, some love, some peace, some understanding today? It only needs to be a trickle.

The Heart and the Mind or the Tortoise and the Hare.

So, I was going to write each day of the 12 days of Christmas and suddenly it is the 13th day....or Epiphany or just regular life, depending on your orientation. I don't know what happened to those 12 days except to say that the usual happened. There were parties and concerts and extra special worship services. There were decorations (which are still up) and gift giving and wonderful time with family and all the usual drama that goes with getting through Christmas. What there wasn't was time to really sit quietly with it all and ponder what it means this time around. There wasn't time to think much beyond the happenings. 

And now, I find myself wanting/needing to move on to the new year and the life that is calling me to it. It's time to make phone calls and appointments, to follow through on plans set in place already and make new plans to fill in other spaces. The life of a self-employed person has these waves of activity that require attention. So here I am, just plodding along and hoping to catch up with the song that wants to be sung and live into the heart of the moments. My heart longs to catch up.

Recently, I was thinking of encouraging things to write to a friend. And in the middle of it, this thought came to me. It was very encouraging to me and I hope it will be for you as well. 

Remember the story of "the Tortoise and the Hare?" Remember how the hare goes so quickly but then gets distracted along the way? and the Tortoise goes slowly but faithly gets there and actually wins. So here is my thought for you: 

The Mind races on, gets distracted, caught up in the thought. The Heart is cautious and moves slow and faithfully. 

The two run the race differently so trust that your Heart will win in the end. 

LOVE WINS!

just jules, January 7, 2018

The Timelessness of Grief.

December 5, 2017

This is what grief is like.

It's a day like any other day, nothing special. It's not anyone's birthday or anniversary of anything. It's not a holiday; just nothing. I'm minding my own business, working from home as I have for nearly four years now. I'm not thinking of how sad my life is. I'm just thinking, how can I get my to-do list done.

Then out of nowhere, the feeling of him in the world pops into my heart. I try to brush it off and then I see his face, his sparkling eyes and hear his laughter. Suddenly tears are running down my face. I miss my little Hans sooo much! It is tangible, real! I feel like I lost him yesterday. And that's not unusual really. I feel like his brothers were just little boys yesterday too. This moment lasts for a minute or fifty. In that span of time, I relive the magic of having him, of getting to be his mother and now his ambassador to the world. I've been doing my best to tell them--live life fully, stay present and cherish your loved ones. Life is short! Enjoy it! I'm doing my best! In that moment, I know he is still here...in my heart but it still hurts too.

The gift and the loss are all wrapped up together. Pain and joy, loneliness and gratitude, disconnected and connected--all at the same time! That's what grief is like. 17 years is like a day and a day is like 17 years! It is timeless and messy! It doesn't have an agenda but to remind us how precious life is, how precious our loved ones are and to grab the moments when we can.

And one more thing...to be kind and patient with those who grieve. Letting go, remembering and celebrating while also feeling the pain....it all takes time and courage and strength. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Everyone carries a heavy load.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#25: TODAY'S LITTLE REMINDER

In a conversation this morning, an old truth bubbled up to the surface. It was this wisdom I had learned from a little girl with a big heart. 

You don't have to wait to grow up; you don't have to wait to have enough money or be rich; you don't even really have to know what you are doing to make a difference. Just follow your heart and when you need it, ask for help from friends.

She didn't tell me this. I just learned it from watching her work and live. I mean, if we all waited until everything was just right, we would never get anything done.

Today, I am grateful for this little reminder, this piece of wisdom. What a relief to know I don't have to wait for the perfect conditions. I can just start from my heart and move from there. And there is no need to judge my success on my speed of movement. I will move on as I am able. 

I wish you the same grace for your dreams and projects and even for your obligations that are waiting for you. 

Peace!

Jules