Where would be without the songs? And the singers of those songs?

Where would I be without the songs? Where would I be without the writers/composers of those songs?

TWO PERSPECTIVES --7 YEARS APART

Checking out life at age 53

My True Self Isn't Always Comfortable (May 29, 2012) 

[I was 53 years old when I wrote this]

Sometimes I wish it wasn't true...that I wouldn't melt so easily...that I could do whatever I wanted without fear, without concern...that I wouldn't be afraid of consequences or how my actions might affect those I love...but then i wouldn't be me. And as it turns out, I am me, so my heart rules, love is more important than being right, kindness is more important that winning, creativity is more important than perfection, making a difference is more important that making a buck. Sometimes I wish I could play by the rules of "getting ahead, being successful, getting recognized, belonging" but then i wouldn't be me. And still, sometimes riding the tension between the extremes gets tiring, sometimes.

Making Friends with My True Self at Sixty (May 29, 2019)

Nearly three months into turning 60, I am loving it. It is not without challenges but mostly I love it. What I am noticing more and more is a growing comfort in my own skin, a growing confidence in the unique set of attributes that make me, me. I'm making friends with my true self. It's kind of amazing! 

Of course this didn't just happen all of a sudden at 60 though. It happened because seeds were planted, watered and cared for. It happened because God and I worked together to let go, to remove the weeds as I had the strength to do so (those lies that were choking me out). Some of that work was hard. Some was joyful. It happened because friends, over a sustained period of time, either showed me who I don't want to be or who I clearly want to be. It happened because someone besides me believed in me and took the time to show up. It was a collaborative effort! 

Inviting the fog to lift and the true self to emerge

And now some things about my true self have become clear. I notice that after a lifetime of hiding my voice in the back of the choir, I am truly happy and at home with my singing voice. It is enough and I don't need it to be more. I just love singing. I notice that even though I never thought I would teach, I love teaching! And even in the challenge and doubt of whether I am doing it right, I love how preparing to teach makes me focus on what's most important, it makes me the best me. I notice that when I read things I wrote 15 to 20 years ago, I love that old me too, even though she still had tons of angst. 

I'm still growing. I'm still making friends with pieces of the puzzle that I have only just discovered. There is more true self to come. And, I still dance with my false self from time to time, when the lies of loneliness and sorrow get a little loud. Even so, I heartily recommend getting older. So far, I'm thinking it's a really good deal! 

May the gift of aging be that you make friends with yourself!

~just jules 

When in Doubt, Be Lazy!

Some days are like this. It's not personal really but it sure feels that way after awhile....

So, it's raining...all day...the kind of rain that should feel cozy and sweet...but...but...argh!

So I decide it's a perfect day to work at my computer...but the computer is slow, won't do anything I want. I've restarted 4 times. the app i want to use just keeps stalling. so I try something else. that's stalling too. I'm starting to get very irritated (that's putting it somewhat milder than the truth).

So I decide the excess anger will be best used cleaning my room. I have to change my sheets because the bottom sheet tore, because...well, never mind. That story is not worth telling. I change the sheets but not without yelling a few colorful phrases. (yes, I do swear sometimes!)

And then I decide to vacuum. But wait, I have to get something from downstairs first. That's when I hear the water alarm. Our basement is leaking! and Pete just put down the rugs yesterday, thinking it was safe!

Then all that extra energy (ahem, anger) leaves the still messy bedroom and heads to the basement to get stuff off the floor. It's quite wet! I work on that as long as it takes two (Pete and I working together) and then I head back to the vacuuming. It starts out okay but I notice it's not sucking things up very good. I turn the vacuum over and all the dirt comes pouring out again! I have no idea how to fix, which is my definition of broken.

Then back to the computer, where the app I want to use is still not working, a complete circle of wasted time and energy. 

Some days are like this! I don't think it is personal but it sure feels like the universe is conspiring to test my fortitude and patience.

So I do the only left that I can do...write down my frustrations. And here I am writing. And just like that my mouth gets a smirk. I'm starting to be amused at how insanely confusing life can be. It suddenly strikes me how no matter how good your intentions are, no matter how flexible and adaptable, you just can't control the outcomes. Sometimes you just don't get dealt the right cards. It's not personal, it's just life.

I did have one thing go well today...the part before I tried to be productive, the lazy party was stunning. I was awesome at that and it went very well. 

So now, with a big grin on my face, I'm thinking...WHEN IN DOUBT, BE LAZY!

Best wishes on your day!

~just jules, 5/27/19

Happy Mother's Day!

As far back as I can remember (5 years old, maybe) I wanted to be a mom.

And then I met Pete (at college) and I knew right away he'd be a great dad

And then we were lucky enough to have 4 amazing wonderful boys and the means for me to stay home full time as they grew (about 20 years)

Nothing else in my life will ever compare to the joy, the challenge and the wonder of this gift of my children. I am so grateful to Pete for partnering in parenting with me! It's been the best adventure!

Mom & me, only 1 day old.

And, I owe my gratitude to these boys (Jacob, Karl, Hans, Luke) who in many, many ways helped transform me into the person I am today. Thank you! Thank you! I am still learning from them as they become such incredible men.

I also owe deep gratitude to my own mother, Camilla, who was the first to teach me the tenderness of the heart! 

And I am deeply grateful to my sister, Vangie, who in many ways was my 2nd mother. In many ways, she has been the one who has kept our family connected. 

My sister & me,  around 9 months

And then there are my other mothers-- Ethyl Anderson, Mama Jim, Vivien Wells, Grandma Quanbeck, Lorraine Bergstrand Schneider and of course the amazing and fabulous Charlotte Bonde, who raised my husband and has cared for me in more ways than I can begin to list. And there are many others who nurtured me in the absence of my mother all those years at boarding school and all these years since her passing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am still learning from you all as I reflect on the task of nurturing and caring for others; including myself.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you who nurture and care for others in the world!