In Honor of Hans Day

 

Hans Day -- September 28, 2019

Tomorrow is 19 years since our dear Hans left this earth. [Hans Peter ~ born 3/24/1989, died 9/28/2000]  He lived with us for 11 years, 6 months and 4 days. In that time, we learned the importance of expressing our passions with each other. Hans was an enthusiastic soul who also had a fiery temper. He left so much passion behind for all of us. He also left us with "I like you and I love you!" as his expression of affection.

In memory of our dear Hans Peter, please find a child (they don't have to be yours) to hug, call, or post in a text or social media. Tell one child today how amazing they are, how creative, how joyful. Look in their eyes and tell them, "I like you and I love you." 

If you cannot find a child, or even an adult to honor, look in the mirror and tell the person you see there how incredible they are and try saying, "I like you and I love you." Try believing it.

It won't take long. Hans & I will be forever grateful. Let's let world's children know how valuable they are! Let's allow them and ourselves some love, some like!

Thanks for your help!

Rocks, Trees, Water and a Camera Chick

July, 30, 2019

Yesterday my husband and I got back from a 5-day camping trip at Devil's Lake State Park in Wisconsin. We figured it was our ninth trip there. We got started the year before one of our sons got married to scope out the wedding venue. The next year they got married on South Shore with their toes in the sand. We've been returning to camp there with our daughter-in-law's family ever since. It's hard to improve on it for a great camping experience. A beautiful little clean lake with tons of swimming space, two incredible bluffs with huge Baraboo quartzite tumbling bolder fields below and enough hiking and climbing to keep everyone happy.

I am out of shape, somewhat overweight and have a cranky ankle and a recent flair-up of plantar fasciitis. So I wasn't sure this was going to go as well as previous trips. But the minute I started setting up camp, the forest started whispering my name. And the second I stepped foot on the trail, I knew I would follow those whispers wherever they lead me. I recently acquired an off-brand fit watch for counting steps. I figure I walked about an average of eight miles each of the five days, some of it up a substantial elevation on the cliffs. But with the wind and the trees singing to me and the rocks offering to carry my weight and the water offering a healing view, how could I resist. So off goes this camera chick with all the much healthier ones for hikes and adventures. I came home sore but with a camera full of treasures. Once again, I found myself falling in love with the original artist--the Creator. Every time I look through that lens I find more color, more design, more intricacy and detail, more life and abundance then I ever thought possible.  And a few times i even caught us humans interacting with that abundance.

My cell phone had no service at this state park but I didn't miss it, although I used it for a camera part of the time. How can you miss it when you are wrapped in the wonder of the art, almost as if stepping into a painting or a book and wandering around in the beauty.

During our stay, we wandered over to Mirror Lake State Park for a nice kayak paddle with our friends, Mike and Tim. And on our way home, we stopped at two more state parks, Rocky Arbor and Mill Bluff where we discovered even more of the Wisconsin jungle and its beauty.

Here is a sample to share with you. I pray that some day you go somewhere with no phone service and get the chance to wallow in such splendor. Enjoy!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW: Rocks, Trees, and Water Photo Album

Where would be without the songs? And the singers of those songs?

Where would I be without the songs? Where would I be without the writers/composers of those songs?

TWO PERSPECTIVES --7 YEARS APART

Checking out life at age 53

My True Self Isn't Always Comfortable (May 29, 2012) 

[I was 53 years old when I wrote this]

Sometimes I wish it wasn't true...that I wouldn't melt so easily...that I could do whatever I wanted without fear, without concern...that I wouldn't be afraid of consequences or how my actions might affect those I love...but then i wouldn't be me. And as it turns out, I am me, so my heart rules, love is more important than being right, kindness is more important that winning, creativity is more important than perfection, making a difference is more important that making a buck. Sometimes I wish I could play by the rules of "getting ahead, being successful, getting recognized, belonging" but then i wouldn't be me. And still, sometimes riding the tension between the extremes gets tiring, sometimes.

Making Friends with My True Self at Sixty (May 29, 2019)

Nearly three months into turning 60, I am loving it. It is not without challenges but mostly I love it. What I am noticing more and more is a growing comfort in my own skin, a growing confidence in the unique set of attributes that make me, me. I'm making friends with my true self. It's kind of amazing! 

Of course this didn't just happen all of a sudden at 60 though. It happened because seeds were planted, watered and cared for. It happened because God and I worked together to let go, to remove the weeds as I had the strength to do so (those lies that were choking me out). Some of that work was hard. Some was joyful. It happened because friends, over a sustained period of time, either showed me who I don't want to be or who I clearly want to be. It happened because someone besides me believed in me and took the time to show up. It was a collaborative effort! 

Inviting the fog to lift and the true self to emerge

And now some things about my true self have become clear. I notice that after a lifetime of hiding my voice in the back of the choir, I am truly happy and at home with my singing voice. It is enough and I don't need it to be more. I just love singing. I notice that even though I never thought I would teach, I love teaching! And even in the challenge and doubt of whether I am doing it right, I love how preparing to teach makes me focus on what's most important, it makes me the best me. I notice that when I read things I wrote 15 to 20 years ago, I love that old me too, even though she still had tons of angst. 

I'm still growing. I'm still making friends with pieces of the puzzle that I have only just discovered. There is more true self to come. And, I still dance with my false self from time to time, when the lies of loneliness and sorrow get a little loud. Even so, I heartily recommend getting older. So far, I'm thinking it's a really good deal! 

May the gift of aging be that you make friends with yourself!

~just jules 

When in Doubt, Be Lazy!

Some days are like this. It's not personal really but it sure feels that way after awhile....

So, it's raining...all day...the kind of rain that should feel cozy and sweet...but...but...argh!

So I decide it's a perfect day to work at my computer...but the computer is slow, won't do anything I want. I've restarted 4 times. the app i want to use just keeps stalling. so I try something else. that's stalling too. I'm starting to get very irritated (that's putting it somewhat milder than the truth).

So I decide the excess anger will be best used cleaning my room. I have to change my sheets because the bottom sheet tore, because...well, never mind. That story is not worth telling. I change the sheets but not without yelling a few colorful phrases. (yes, I do swear sometimes!)

And then I decide to vacuum. But wait, I have to get something from downstairs first. That's when I hear the water alarm. Our basement is leaking! and Pete just put down the rugs yesterday, thinking it was safe!

Then all that extra energy (ahem, anger) leaves the still messy bedroom and heads to the basement to get stuff off the floor. It's quite wet! I work on that as long as it takes two (Pete and I working together) and then I head back to the vacuuming. It starts out okay but I notice it's not sucking things up very good. I turn the vacuum over and all the dirt comes pouring out again! I have no idea how to fix, which is my definition of broken.

Then back to the computer, where the app I want to use is still not working, a complete circle of wasted time and energy. 

Some days are like this! I don't think it is personal but it sure feels like the universe is conspiring to test my fortitude and patience.

So I do the only left that I can do...write down my frustrations. And here I am writing. And just like that my mouth gets a smirk. I'm starting to be amused at how insanely confusing life can be. It suddenly strikes me how no matter how good your intentions are, no matter how flexible and adaptable, you just can't control the outcomes. Sometimes you just don't get dealt the right cards. It's not personal, it's just life.

I did have one thing go well today...the part before I tried to be productive, the lazy party was stunning. I was awesome at that and it went very well. 

So now, with a big grin on my face, I'm thinking...WHEN IN DOUBT, BE LAZY!

Best wishes on your day!

~just jules, 5/27/19

Happy Mother's Day!

As far back as I can remember (5 years old, maybe) I wanted to be a mom.

And then I met Pete (at college) and I knew right away he'd be a great dad

And then we were lucky enough to have 4 amazing wonderful boys and the means for me to stay home full time as they grew (about 20 years)

Nothing else in my life will ever compare to the joy, the challenge and the wonder of this gift of my children. I am so grateful to Pete for partnering in parenting with me! It's been the best adventure!

Mom & me, only 1 day old.

And, I owe my gratitude to these boys (Jacob, Karl, Hans, Luke) who in many, many ways helped transform me into the person I am today. Thank you! Thank you! I am still learning from them as they become such incredible men.

I also owe deep gratitude to my own mother, Camilla, who was the first to teach me the tenderness of the heart! 

And I am deeply grateful to my sister, Vangie, who in many ways was my 2nd mother. In many ways, she has been the one who has kept our family connected. 

My sister & me,  around 9 months

And then there are my other mothers-- Ethyl Anderson, Mama Jim, Vivien Wells, Grandma Quanbeck, Lorraine Bergstrand Schneider and of course the amazing and fabulous Charlotte Bonde, who raised my husband and has cared for me in more ways than I can begin to list. And there are many others who nurtured me in the absence of my mother all those years at boarding school and all these years since her passing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am still learning from you all as I reflect on the task of nurturing and caring for others; including myself.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you who nurture and care for others in the world!

Strangers in Our Own Land

I wonder if we're aren't all strangers
in our own land
throughout our lives
wondering how anyone
could be as strange as we are
seems like it takes a lifetime
to accept the embrace of enough
that being ourselves is enough

when I look at you,
I never think,
"you should be more"
I just think,
"What exquisite beauty!
What luck that I have met you!"

perhaps it is time to offer ourselves
the same kindness
to open our arms up
to our own strangeness
welcome our own beauty

just a thought....from jules

REFLECTING ON 60!

Jules, Julie, JJ, Julieannabelle--thru 60 years!

Reflecting on and with 60!

Yesterday, a new number came knocking at the door. I said, "who is it?" "60!" was the response. I opened the door and welcomed her in. I asked what she was doing here and how had she chosen my door. She said, "that is what happens when you live this long and it's your birthday! I show up." And then I asked what she had to offer me on this momentous occasion. She said, "Love, Joy, and Gratitude." Intrigued, I asked if she would stay for tea so we talk more. We talked for hours and I gained some new insight into this new number in my life.

We talked about the older women in my life and what they did after 60 arrived. I was touched by this review of glorious womanhood in my family and friends. We laughed at the silly things I had done, some of which were stupid mistakes. We covered all the good and the hard. We talked about the things I carried forward with me into this time, things that have always been my treasures and have grown deep in me. We read some of my poetry from those other decades and found pieces of these treasures there. We talked about my dreams and my current loves in my life...great friends, good work, a wonderful husband, amazing children, beautiful grandchildren and God's love and grace.

After all that, I was still tempted to complain a little, to say I "should" have more to show for my sixty years, to say I should be younger still...but 60 stopped me. That's when she said something I hadn't expected. 

She said, "Your earned your years, fair and square...given all the struggles, parenting, friendships, jobs, marriage and extended family, given all the loss, the grieving, the heartache, illness, surgery, worry, given all  the accomplishments, the prayers and praises and thousands of photographs....You've earned those sixty years fair and square. They are NOT an abomination but a gift! How lucky you are to still be here and have hope for more and desire still for all of it! I'll be happy to stay and celebrate with you. Perhaps we can even have a party."

I laughed! and nodded yes. Of course! I am glad I opened the door and invited her in, although I suspect she might have found another way in anyway. I look forward to spending more time with this year, pondering who I want to continue growing into, pondering the fun and the joy and the adventures I still have coming. 

I am certain that part of that pondering will be focused on the many people who have crossed my path and offered me this rich and glorious life!

If you're reading this, you're likely one of those people. Thank you for showing up, for sharing your life with me! I am so grateful!

Happy 60th to me!

love, jules

WHAT IS ABOUT TREES?

What is about trees that grabs my attention so?

Branches reaching up and out
perfectly organized and tangled 
in a crochet knot
against the blue sky

Bark that thickens 
and hardens and breaks
as the heart bursts open 
as life fattens the tree's torso

Roots that grab on and hold
reaching deep and wide for stability
for nutrients and water

Leaves budding long before spring
unfold at just the right moment
color everything to a rich warm velvety green
and then fire up orange just before they fall away

Shadows of the wise 
and wonderful neighbors
cast intriguing reflections 
on snow and sand and water

Tempting me to look up to them
for inspiration for my perfectly organized and tangled mess
for courage to allow my heart to crack open as I grow
and a reminder to reach deep and wide.

in honor of the TINY HOUSE movement!

One of our traditions at Christmas time is Family Day, which we celebrate on a day when everyone can make it. This year, we went bowling, played with trains, and made gingerbread houses among other things.

Here is the "gingerbread house" village we made a week ago. [note: I didn't splurge and make real gingerbread this year..we just used graham crackers and accessories]. You'll see that some people thought big, and some smaller. 

So this morning (a week later mind you!) I found a bulb of frosting sitting on my kitchen counter, that still had some left. Suddenly I was inspired  to make one more. So here, in honor of tiny houses everywhere, is my one-minute creation.

I guess the Teddy Grahams decided to move to a tiny house!

YESTERDAY IS ALREADY OURS!

January 2, 2019 (when the real work starts of moving forward)

Dear Friends,

It's the morning after the morning after, January 2nd, when we have to truly head back to work, and remember to put the correct year on our checks, if indeed we still write checks. For me today, that meant reviewing the chapters for discussion at my book group gathering tomorrow morning. We've been reading "The Other Side of Chaos: Breaking through when life is breaking down" by Margaret Silf. It's a fantastic book to read on your own, very useful for your inner work AND also very useful for dialog with others. I highly recommend you read it...no matter your age or circumstance. 

My favorite part of the reading this week is Chapter 14: Yesterday is Already Ours! And rather than do too much commentary, I thought I'd just share my favorite quotes from this chapter (see below). Silf manages to hit the nail on the head for me...getting at what holds me back most often..the fear of losing what I had. What a hopeful thought, that we can't lose what is already ours because we carry it forever in our hearts! I believe that now! And I'm glad for her way of reminding me of that.

I hope you read the book and I pray you'll be able to move forward knowing that what you treasure most can never be taken from your heart.

Blessings on you as you lean into the new year!   ~ jules (1/2/19)

• But what struck me most about Cadfael’s comment was his affirmation that “yesterday is already ours.” One of our biggest fears, and the cause of so much resistance to change, is that we think we are on the verge of losing, irrevocably, what we value from our past. Yes, like Cadfael, we have a past. To be human is to have a past. Some of that past may be about things we wish we could put behind us forever and wipe clean from the slate of memory. Other things we cherish and dread losing. To embrace the unknown future that change and transition hold out to us is, we feel, to risk losing all that we have invested our lives in so far.
• "Don’t be afraid that in letting go you are losing anything at all, because everything that matters, from this time of graced encounter, or from any other experience in your life, has been internalized and is firmly lodged in your heart. It is yours. It is a part of you. It travels with you and can never be lost.”
• Nothing can take from us the gift of all that our past has given us.
• We can’t lose it, and it will play a crucial part in shaping our future.
• The big question for me is this: when I look at the cherished item that I am trying to carry through the shifting scenes of my life, am I trying to turn back the clock, or am I just wanting to remind myself that the past is still an active part of me?
• The past is already ours; these photos and mementos remind us daily that this treasure that was ours is not lost but carried with us, not just in our bags but in our hearts. And the future is ours, too, to explore and, we hope, to make a contribution to. This isn’t nostalgia. This is wisdom.

And questions from Margaret Silf to ponder:

What treasure from your own past experiences or relationships do you feel has been internalized and forever absorbed into your heart? Notice how it continues to enrich you. It has been said that our memories are like a garden from which we can never be expelled. Which memories in your soul’s garden are life-giving, making you feel more fully alive in the present moment and more hopeful for the future? Is there anything that you cling to from the past that you feel may be holding you prisoner in false nostalgia and blocking your way ahead? The yearning to go back to what has passed can take over our consciousness to the extent that we actually fail to see, let alone respond to, the beckoning of the future and the joys and challenges of the present moment. Do you detect any symptoms like these in your present situation? 

THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules