I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.~ Romans 7:15
We are so quick to condemn this or exile that, to ostracize the breaker of promises, when the truth is that nothing in nature arrives as imagined. In fact, because the space between what we intend and what we do is often great, we keep beginning. Because the gap between what we feel and what we say is often surprising, we keep trying. Because the field between what we experience and what we understand is so vast, we keep growing....We aim, mean well, and fall short, or wide or overreach what we set out to do. ~ Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
I'm living in the gap. That's me. I reach out with all my heart, try to love as I would be loved, live as much as I can into the gratitude of God's grace and still I fall flat on my nose or worse, bump right into you my dear friends causing you pain. And then in my shame, I pull back in and hope you don't notice how stupid that attempt at humanity was just now. And then in my desire to be authentic and true, I find myself confessing the sin with inadequate words and once again, I fall short of my own plans to be the best I can be. All the while, the truth is I will always be living in the gap between what I dream life can be and what it once was. I've come a long, got a long way to go...always.
On a long ago day, I had an experience that is a wonderful example of how messy caring for others can get. I was a young stay-at-home mom. I had four boys, ages 10, 7, 5 and 2; all athletic and active but wonderful children. That day I was upstairs cleaning while the boys were in the basement playing basketball. We had set up small basketball hoops as high as we could go in our 7ft ceiling clearance. They were just the right size for the boys using miniature basketballs. All was well until I heard this scream. I came around the corner to the top of the stairs just as my 7 year old got to the bottom of the stairs. He was holding his hand under his mouth as blood poured out. It looked intially like he had lost all his teeth. As it turned out he gone up for a reverse dunk and when he came down one of his new front teeth had gotten caught in the net. I panicked. I couldn't breathe. I felt so bad that I had not been able to prevent this from happening and that my son's mouth would now never have this beautiful tooth. I had all those feelings before I even went looking for the tooth. I called the dentist who helped me breathe and told me what to do. Miraculously we found the tooth, the dentist put it back in and it finished growing. Years of orthdontic treatment and my son, now 24, still has his own teeth and a beautiful smile to go with them.
Several years ago, the subject of this event came up when we were talking. My son, in his youthful honesty said, "mom, that was one of the worst days for me...not because of my tooth. I don't even remember the pain but because you weren't there for me." Stunned, I realized he was right. Somewhere in that, even though I did what I thought was right, I let my own feelings, my own panic become more important than his feelings. I wasn't there for him even though I did everthing I could to be. Looking back, I see that this still sometimes happens with me. my gift of being able to empathize with others' feelings is also sometimes a curse clouding my ability to be fully present. I've beaten myself up plenty for this.
It happened again the other day. I was trying to be there for an important person in my life. I stepped up to the plate without hesitation. My heart was in before I had even a coherent thought. My brain followed and did its best to be reasonable guide. And suddenly my own sympathetic pain got in the way of me being fully present. I fell short, bumped my ego and hurt my friend as well. I don't regret reaching out but I do regret getting in the way. I still live in the gap between my reach and my grasp. All of us do.
But Mark Nepo offers the brighter side. due to the gap, I keep reaching and I do keep growing. And as I continue finding grace and forgiveness, I relax more and become more present, more authentic and less hard on myself as well as those around me. Due to the gap, I daily remember that all of us are all just doing our best to live and love, to grow and thrive, to make the world a better place. And though we fall short, our best efforts to reach out do help bring love and growth and healing into the world.
Later on in Romans 8:39 it says that "nothing can separate us from the Love of God." I am counting on that including the fact that I keep falling over my own efforts to love.
May you each know the Grace of God that is beyond understanding and still available to us all.
jules
