Walk into the dream!

Don't resist it. If the sun calls to you today, step out into it and let it warm you. If the song rises in your heart, sing it, even just to yourself in the car. If the urge to call someone tickles your tummy, call them. Tell them how important they are to you. Don't resist. You've waited long enough to do what you have longed to do. You don't have to take on the whole project at once.Baby steps are fine. Short visits are okay. Just step into it for a moment and let yourself walk in the dream.

A long winter, a slow spring

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A few minutes ago I stepped out my back door and went for a short walk to visit my barren garden. Even though it was only about thirty yards, it's the longest walk i've taken in a week. I was tempted by the warming air today, my lungs craving a breath of fresh air, my legs craving some movement, my heart looking for spring.

It's been a looooong winter. Everyone agrees. Even the optimists are whining a little. Just two days ago we had another snow storm. The buds on the trees are aching for enough warmth to burst. The birds outside my window are frantically hoping for flowers and worms enough to sustain the nesting season. The sun tries desperately to move the clouds of doubt and malaise out of the way.

It's now one week since my hysterectomy. I've never felt more weak or vulnerable than at this moment. I'm not sick but I'm not well. I have no control over how fast I heal, how fast the pain goes away. The pain tells me to just sit and wait--ARGH!! But even before the surgery I wasn't doing great. Over the past few years, due to stress and hormones and bad habit, I've gotten soft, gained weight and generally run out of physical energy. My heart energy is strong but my earth energy is weak and my fire has dwindled. For the past couple of years I've dealt with kidney stones, a hyper parathyroid, plantar faciitus and now a sad old uterus that needed to go. At one week post op, I worry about getting a bladder infection or a cold or something else that will set me back. I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent that but I'm scared. I don't want to be this weak forever. I feel like blob of flesh waiting for some bones to give me to form.

In the meantime, I took on a new position at work, finance manager. It is a joyless, dead-end job where day by day I feel like someone is steeling my creativity and joy and perhaps even my love. Oh, I know i'm stating it dramatically. But it's true. This is how it has felt the last few months. For several days every week I strive to clean up the ledger. Sure I get little bursts of sunshine when i'm out singing with my hospice choir or teaching a prayer workshop. But those are just teasers that remind me winter is still here.

I'm tired of the long winter. I'm ready for the spring, for new life, for seeds to planted and watered and watched over. I'm ready to step back into my heart and live into its bigness. I"m tired of being weak and plodding through my life just barely making it through. I'm ready for color on walls, flowers in my garden and long summer evenings spent with friends. I'm ready for exploring the lakes in my kayak, climbing mountains and laughing together over spilled Koolaid. But how will I get there? How will I find my way from this winter bed of weakness to the fiery energy of a sunset on a long summer evening?

I think I just got my answer on that short walk to the garden. I just need to step out the door and take advantage of every moment of joy there is. I just need to take the first step. I just need to follow my urge, my longing to step out into the sun and let the experience warm me.