Merry Christmas Thanksgiving

For me, Christmas is, in many ways, another Thanksgiving. There is this illusion that it is all about gifts and wearing red sweaters and making special cookies. Oh, and snow! But those things are just incidentals. Underneath it all is gratitude, thanksgiving. Gratitude is the motivator for the party, the gift giving and the moments of reverence and worship.

It's a time when I focus my attention on this gift of family and friends and community. Sometimes that can be bittersweet. Sometimes as I focus, I am reminded of people I cherish that I have lost through death or separation. But even those moments of grief are thanksgiving, gratitude for the gift those cherished people left behind on my heart. And then there are the parties, the food and laughter and games, we let our hair down and have fun with those we still do have.

I have to say a very special thanks for the gift of the Bonde family, my family by marriage and by heart. Last night we were watching old videos of when we were very young and just getting started. I am sooo grateful for the love and support and the joy of this amazing family I married into. Each Christmas reminds me again of this deep gift, this deep gratitude.

And then there is the gift of this baby, God who would come to be with us, this little Jesus Emmanuel. I think of this baby God, loving us so much, trusting us to hold him in our arms, to welcome him into our hearts. I can only say thank you! I am grateful for this love, this great love.

So I wish you all a Merry Christmas Thanksgiving! I hope the best gifts you get this Christmas are the moments you get to spend with the people you love and the time you spend holding that baby in your heart.

~love jules

Everyday Love

Good morning reading friends,

Everyday there is some thing, some one, some exquisite moment of wisdom, some sorrow, some surprising joy, some whisper of life that catches the corner of my eye. For a moment I forget about the laundry, the project deadline, the things left unsaid, the mistakes and unhealthy choices. For a  moment I let go of my dreams and expectations and just wallow in the mystery of a world that despite its struggle is so stunningly beautiful. In that tiny moment, tucked between the back to back to back appointments, I experience my birth once again. I fall in love with God. I fall in love with people. I fall in love with love.

It happened everyday this week already.
Sunday--the Sunday school children sang their hearts out with a message of "pay it forward." Their earnestness makes me a believer all over again.
Monday--I rolled the ball to my 8-month old granddaughter. She rolled it back. I said, "good job, Solveig!" Her response was to raise her hands in the air and utter her version of "yay!" I'd been working on teaching her this since i first laid on her. And now she knows on her own. Yay!
Tuesday--right hand on my heart-left hand on the back of the person in front of me...around the circle, I sang with my dear friends in Morning Star Singers. "Deep in my Heart." The songs and the people are deep in my heart indeed. 
Wednesday--This morning just standing in the shower, washing away the dirt and the grime as the rain/snow mix offer a similar effect to the exterior. Water blessing my body and my heart, one drop at a time. 

Everyday there is some thing, some one, some exquisite moment of awareness, some surprising joy. Everyday Love.

What if love was as simple as listening?

Friends, family,brothers, sisters, colleagues, peers, children, grandparents, grandchildren, congregation, classmates, support group, community...(the list goes on)

The relationships of our lives are numerous and diverse, varying in complexity and intimacy. Some people waltz in and out of your life and are gone before your realize their impact. Some stick around for decades or forever. Some add tiny drop of color, some make a deep groove in our hearts. And what keeps it all going? Connection and communication.

How do we stay connected? What does that connection feel like?

How do we communicate? Who can we be fully present and fully authentic with?

What relationships are life giving? which ones are not?

Which ones must we compromise in order to maintain peace as we work and play?

These are questions that help me discern where I need to work on and where need to let go of relationship.

One of the confounding things is how much the mode of communication has changed and how that affects the relationship itself. I am sometimes tempted to say that communication was so much easier when there was just a hallway or stairs between me and those I needed to talk to, but sometimes there were protective walls preventing us sharing our deeper heart thoughts. I am sometimes tempted to think that it is so wonderful that i can text and call and email my friends but these methods sometimes leave out the all important tone of voice, expression of our face and gesture. We dont' just communicate with our minds and voices but also with our bodies and other senses.

I just got a smart phone two weeks ago and the last two days am noticing some challenges i hadn't expected. For instance, there have a been a couple times when I accidentally dialed someone and couldn't figure out how to hang up the phone. Yikes! Also, there is thing where the phone guesses what word you are typing and automatically fills it in or corrects your spelling. ugh! if I am not careful, I could easily say something totally incorrect. And then there is the bad connection where the person on the other end thinks I am not listening but everything they say sounds like garble to me. 

In my 20's I spent about eight years studying the art of listening with a wonderful elder woman. Lorraine taught me so much about listening to myself and to others with presence, with heart, with persistence.  She taught me how big the gift of listening is. And still, after all that time and the decades since, I am still practicing to become a good listener.(with friends, with colleagues, with my children). Seven years ago, I graduated from two years of training to be a spiritual director, a practice that is focused on listening to others, to yourself and to the Spirit. And still I find myself frustrated some days with the holes in my communication. 

There are so many wonderful, glorious, amazing people in my life. Some of them I share blood with, some I share my heart with, some I work with, some I serve, some serve me....each of them delightful human beings. I'd like to let them know but lately I've been feeling like the new phone, the airwaves and other circumstances make it hard to really get in touch the last couple of days. It made me sad, frustrated and inadequate.

And then one of my best friends called to say hello and suddenly all was right with the world again. She didn't fix anything but was present and accepting of my voice, my heart. She listened and hear me. I am so grateful.

A long time ago, in land not far from here I posed this question in a previous blog "What if we were put here to wander, to play, to ask questions and be friends?" 

Today, I add this question, "What if love was as simple as listening?" 

I guess I am going to keep my ears and my heart open for the answer.

A prayer by Ulrich Schaffer

This prayer has been sticking with me the last few days and I just feel drawn to share it with you. It is written by Ulrich Schaffer in his book, "Searching for You, " which has been a favorite of mine since I was in college (a long time ago). It is no longer in print so I share it with you here. Savor it and enjoy! ~ love, jules

YOU ARE

I HEAR YOU

IN THE CRY OF THE GULL

IN THE WIND CHASING THE LAST LEAVES OF FALL

IN THE WHISPER OF A CHILD

I SEE YOU

IN THE ANIMAL SHAPES OF CUMULUS CLOUDS

IN THE TREES TEN TIMES MY AGE

IN THE WRINKLED FACE OF A WOMAN OVER NINETY

I TASTE YOU

IN THE SWEETNESS OF WHOLE WHEAT IN BLACK BREAD

IN THE SMOOTH RICHNESS OF AN AVOCADO

IN THE CREEK WATER FROM A CUPPED HAND

I SMELL YOU

IN THE AIR AFTER A CLEANSING RAIN

IN THE FRESLY CUT GREEN ONION

IN THE THICK CARPET OF AUTUMN LEAVES

I TOUCH YOU

IN THE SMOOTH BARK OF A WHITE BIRCH

IN THE ROCK BENEATH THE SUMMIT TEARING MY HANDS

IN THE TEXTURE OF WET AND DRY SAND

I READ YOUR LETTERS TO ME

IN THE TALKING EYES OF A STUDENT

IN THE JOY OF SHARED GRIEF

IN THE APPROPRIATE PHRASE RELEASING TENSION

IN THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWS THE STORM

IN THE PLUNGE OF A SUICIDE

IN THE NOVELIST CREATING HIS CHARACTERS

IN THE TEAR CRIED IN SELF-PITY

IN THE TELEPHONE THAT NEVER RINGS

IN THE LIFE-CYCLE OF A SALMON

IN THE CANDLE FLAME THAT DIES IN ITS OWN WAX

IN THE WHITE CANE OF A BLIND MAN

IN THE EMPTY CHURCHES

IN THE BEGGARS MOUTH ORGAN

IN THE UNFINISHED SYMPHONY AND THE UNPAINTED PICTURE

TEACH ME TO HEAR AND TO SEE

TEACH ME TO TASTE, TO SMELL, AND TO TOUCH

AND TEACH ME TO READ

TO READ YOUR HANDWRITING

YOUR LETTERS TO ME

Changing seasons

Changing Seasons
warm sunny blue sky yesterday
cloudy, blustery cool wind today
a few raspberries still growing
even as the leaves on the bushes
brown and drop
the changing season is 
as fickle as my heart
one day I am absolutely certain
I am ready to move on, get things done
the next day I have crawled back in my bed
to wallow in sweet memories 

and mourn the losses
one minute I'm going to take on the world
sure as any that my heart can take it all on
the next minute, I've decided to take it slow
let's think it through one more time
and then a deep sigh to pause
I look out the window and see
I will change as the seasons do
as I have always done
try or not I will go with the tide
someday looking back on this moment
with gratitude and grief
noticing how the leaves that dropped
became food for the spring
and it will be enough

~jules, 10/12/2015

A Brief Summary of My Life

dreams dreaming
songs singing
grief crying
wonders wondering
doubts doubting
hope hoping
thoughts thinking
emotions feeling
eyes noticing
ears hearing
prayers praying
heart opening
heart opening
heart opening

~Jules, 10/8/2015

A Rainbow of Hope

Some days, the color, 
the light shining
on a blade of grass
is more abundance,
more joy than I can bear
a rainbow of hope
on my path

~jules, 10/6/2015

photo by Julie A. Bonde

Writing Workshop coming soon!

WRITING WORKSHOP COMING SOON!

Writing as Spiritual Practice
Saturday, October 3, 2015--10 am to 3pm.

at Christos Center for Spiritual Formation

FIND OUT MORE & REGISTER HERE!

I hope to see you there!

Jules

A Morning Prayer

This week a poem of mine is featured on the Christos Center Blog...enjoy!

http://www.christoscenter.org/a-morning-prayer/

Looking at Light

What if the gift of the shadow, the fog, the smoke 
is that you can bear to look at the light?

welcome shadow

welcome mystery

welcome tenderness

those moments that invite me

to look toward the light

to see the gift

to open myself

to love

to grace

to god

~just jules, 7/5/2015

Writing Workshop REgistration still open

There is still time and space to sign up for this workshop.

Click HERE To Register

Writing as Listening: a writing workshop with jules

Saturday, June 20, 2015,  10:00 am to 4:00 pm

$38 includes a light lunch

At a lovely home in the woods in North Oaks, MN.

You are invited to come and spend a day listening to your heart through your pen. We will do a variety of exercises to help you overcome blocks, inspire you and challenge you think deeper. No previous experience is necessary.

Please bring a favorite journal and pen along. 

Limited to 10 participants.

Registration Deadline: June 13, 2015

REGISTRATION HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO MONDAY, JUNE 15th!

a beautiful mistake

I can see her smile still, with the gentlest twinkling eyes behind it, long blonde hair and cute pink dress. Her natural ease as she sat down made me think she was much older than her 8 years. This little angel sat next to me and we became sweet friends but none of it would have happened if I hadn't goofed.

As I was boarding my plane yesterday, I was talking on the phone with a friend. I knew my seat number and when I saw it, I stopped and threw my backpack in an overhead bin and crawled into my seat, barely missing a beat in the conversation with friend on the phone. We talked for a bit and just as we were saying goodbye, this little girl crawled in and sat next to me in the middle seat. Her mother was in the seat in front of her. I had seen them in the terminal. They were flying on standby and took the seats that were available to them. The little girl's sister was in a seat across the aisle.

As she sat down, I greeted my travel mate with an enthusiastic "hi...how lucky am i to have you sit next to me." She smiled back sweetly and innocently. After she settled, we began talking. About 5 minutes later, a man came along asking if my seat was 41F.  I said "no, my seat is 42F," and then realized I was in the wrong seat. Fortunately he was nice enough to let me stay. He sat in 42F. And I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to leave my new friend.

We didn't exchange names at first. We started with bigger stuff, like where we traveling, what our favorite school subjects were and things like that. I had heard most of her life story before I even knew her name. Turns out she'd been on a plane about every 2 months since she'd been born. Her dad was a pilot and her mom a flight attendant. That's how they had met. They married shortly before she was born. They had lived several places, had family around the country and traveled a lot. We talked about how her little sister was kind of  "stealing" her friends and how she was going on a trip to Florida with her best friend while her sister would be going to Hawaii with two of her other friends. I was just amazed at how eloquently she shared her story.

She told me how at first she loved flying, especially because she would get car sick. Flying was easier and not so hard. that is, until a couple of months ago. They were flying threw a storm and for about 15 minutes, it was pretty bumpy ride. Since then, flying is rather terrifying for her. Here she is telling me all this and i'm thinking she's the calmest, most mature little 8-year-old I ever met. I'm thinking she does not look scared. Her eyes keep telling me all is well and that I am a welcome guest.

I took my zentangle kit and started drawing. She enjoyed watching me and we talked about how she liked art. She was very encouraging of my efforts to draw. Later, when I was writing on my computer, she took out her colored pencils and I watcher her. It was my turn to be impressed. When the drink cart came by she refused to have a treat, explaining that she had spilled the drink all over herself once and didn't want that to happen again. Eight years old and already she's make some pretty detailed decisions about her life based on mistakes and mishaps.

I did eventually speak with her mom a little. And we all held hands as we dove through the clouds to our landing. It was the first time I saw how scared she really was. "Laura" was grateful and so was her mom as was I. The four hour flight zipped by and I felt light and easy as I disembarked. I saw them one more time in the terminal as they caught up with Grandma who was waiting for them. It is my prayer that they will have many, many safe and joyful travels in their future.

I still can't believe my luck in having Laura sit next to me and all of it because I made a mistake and sat in the wrong seat.

LIFE IS JUST MESSY

This idea that if we are on the right track, all things align and if we are on the wrong track, all things are bumpy is a myth. Bad things happen to bad people and to good people.. Life is just messy. I am no more immune from these mishaps than you. What we perceive as good things happening, also seems to be sometimes random and sometimes purposeful.

Breathe easy my friend. We are all in this mess together. The magic is not in the success or failure but in the way LOVE flows through us, bringing healing in every situation, bringing wholeness and connection. The magic is not that I didn't get ill this winter but that through the illness my heart was drawn to tenderness and trust and love once again. The miracle is that when I needed it, my body told me to rest and I listened.

I don't mean to keep repeating myself about my experience with Hans but I learned a lot from that day in 1999 when the radiologist told me my 10-year-old son had a brain tumor. Up to that point, I had all the ingredients of a "successful" and "blessed" life--happy marriage to my best friend, wonderful healthy children, enough money to allow me to stay home with them, an active church community, good schools, and good friends and nearby family. I thought I had it made. Does the cancer and all the fall-out from it mean that I was on the wrong track? Does the fact that my son died, 16 months later, mean that my prayers weren't heard? and the list of questions goes on.

This is an extreme example and that's why I bring it up. When I look back on my son's life and death and all that has transpired since, all I feel is love and gratitude. Would I take my son back in heartbeat? YES. Would I trade places with him? YES> Would I trade my heart back to that woman i was before he he got cancer? NO. LOVE prevailed even if luck did not. Certainly then, Love can overcome my error on those days when it seems like all I do is folly and the entire universe seems to be calling me a "loser!"

I believe in a force more powerful than any mistake I can make or evil that can fall upon me. I believe in God's creative and redeeming LOVE, a force so amazing that it even touches the crazy and tangled Jules...me!

Sending you love and grace,

jules

Thru the Lens to the Heart--May 4, 2015

A Spring walk around Como Lake in St. Paul, MN.

Photos by Julie Bonde

To fully enjoy, click on "full screen" icon, lower left of slideshow.

The Gift of Restlessness

Had I known that sitting down to meditate would only rev my mind up, I would have skipped the exercise altogether and just gone on with my day. I kept trying, trying to let myself just be in the moment, in the silence and empty myself in the way that has so often brought me closer to God but this morning it was not to be. I was not able to just be. Or was I?

Could it be that sometimes my being is all about doing? Perhaps when I am following my heart and mind and body into action, I am also being.

Sometimes before I can can sit in the emptiness, I have to work some of the fullness off. Maybe my restlessness is not mistake but a call to action. After a time in bed convalescing from an illness, followed by a lovely retreat away, I am full! I want to get things done.

Maybe you too, have berated yourself for not being able to be still. I invite you to join me in listening to the restless and asking what desire is burning to be expressed in action. What work needs to be done? What creativity needs to be expressed? What voice needs to be heard?

Relax. Be Yourself.

Sometimes my friend Sally says wise things in just the right way. The other day she posted this article on Facebook which she summarized so succinctly, so wisely. So I turned it into a poster of sorts to share with you. I would just add: Relax! Be Yourself! 

Thanks Sally!

BALANCING ON THE TEETER TOTTER OF LIFE

a lot of life seems to be about striking a balance

or surviving whichever end of the teeter totter (seesaw) we happen to be on

we can't all be up at the same time

which also means we can't all be down at the same time

thank balance for that

like the teeter totter
balance doesn't seem to come altogether

often it is in having periods of up
followed by periods of down
and so forth

for years i read hundreds of books and watched hundreds of movies

and now for years i've spent more time writing than reading

more living my own life
then watching someone else's

when i had four little kids to raise full time 

the struggle was to find moments of solitude

then they grew up, moved out
and now to find connection and community

for years I gave my heart too freely, almost spent too much

now my middle-aged body requires more self-care, more self-awareness

for ever wave, there must be an undercurrent that draws back into itself

for ever dollar spent, there must be a dollar earned

for ever mountain, there is a valley somewhere

from stillness comes motion

from noise comes silence

giving moves to receiving

stress moves to creativity or illness

busy goes on vacation

emotion longs for logic

science dances with mystery

idleness longs for purpose

the ebb and flow of life is always in motion

balance is not a static existence

it is a flow from one yoga posture to another

from a glimmer of light, to darkest night

from wakefulness to sleep 

from death to life

every day being born anew

sunrise replacing sunset

and so forth

balance in motion

yin and yang dancing with life

and underneath it all

love and grace flows on

so wherever you are today

may you feel the grace and love to move toward balance
~ jules, 3/9/2015

SONGS OF LOVE

February 16, 2015, Monday

Valentine's Day was Saturday and yesterday the choir at church sang several beautiful songs of love.  (I am grateful for our director, David Livingston's gift of being able to pick just the right songs for each Sunday) Yesterday's songs are still rattling around in my head and heart and keep asking to be shared. So here are the words to three of them. AS you read through, I hope these words seep into your heart as well. Love is the source of all our life. It is a sacred thing because it is from God. Happy loving dear friend! ~ Jules

LOVE SONGS FROM SINGING IN CHOIR

When Our Heart is in a Holy Place

[words & music by Joyce Poley]

CHORUS:

When our heart is in a holy place

When our heart is in a holy place

We are blessed with love and amazing grace

When our heart is in a holy place

When we trust the wisdom in each of us

Every color, every creed and kind

And we see our faces in each other’s eyes

Then our heart is in a holy place.

When we tell our story from deep inside

And we listen with a loving mind

And we hear our voices in each other’s words

Then our heart is in a holy place.

When we share the silence of sacred space

And the God of our Heart stirs within

And we feel the power of each other’s faith

Then our heart is in a holy place.

Love is the Touch

[words by Alison Robertson, Iona Community,
Tune: SLANE, arranged by Lori True]

Love is the touch of intangible joy

Love is the force that no fear can destroy

Love is the goodness we gladly applaud

God is where love is for love is of God

Love is the lilt in a lingering voice

Love is the hope that can make us rejoice

Love is the cure for the frightened and flawed

God is where love is for love is of God

Love is the light in a tunnel of pain

Love is the will to be whole once again

Love is the trust of friend on the road

God is where love is for love is of God

Love is the Maker and Spirit and Son

Love is the kingdom their will has begun.

Love the pathway the saints all have trod

God is where love is for love is of God

Where Everything Meets

Thought for the day/week/month:

"In our most authentic experience of faith, everything we know and have experienced meets and we look for  wisdom and understanding in it. Questions love stopping in for these precious moments." ~ Jules

Fishing for Joy

I was walking down that old familiar beach,
That beloved place where I often pause to listen,
my feet slowly and deeply caressing the sand.
I looked up and there he was down at the far end,
A boy of about ten years, barefoot at the edge of the water.
He held a pole with a string dangling from the end of it.
I'd had several conversations with him on other visits.
As I approached, I commented, "Wow! You're fishing!"
with a grin on my face in response to the pleasure on his.
"Nah!" he answered in refute, "I'm not fishing."
"I just like holding the pole and watching the string."
I couldn't help but laugh in delight at his reply.
Then with a deep sigh of letting go and some slight hesitation
I gave myself permission to sit down and watch with him in silence.
We spent the rest of the afternoon
fishing for Joy.

~Jules
January 8, 2015