LAMENTING A YEAR

PREFACE: A little history... March 13, 2020 Governor Walz shut down Minnesota in precaution of the spread of COVID-19. March 12, 2020, we cancelled our annual Dragonfly Project Celebration Event. A week before I had set up my 2nd photo gallery show. That too was shut down. May 27, 2020, two days after George Floyd was killed before our eyes, I found a lump in my breast and have been treating for breast cancer ever since. Now it is a year later. And this is my lament...

MY LAMENT A YEAR LATER---APRIL 27, 2020

Okay, so I get breast cancer.
Why should I be exempt?
I can think of no reason why.
It is not the worst but still it is serious.
And it’s still not fair.
My whole life is about cancer now.
CANCER RULES

But that’s not enough
George Floyd is murdered before our eyes
In a very violent way with no regret from the police officer who killed him.
A few days later violent crowds burned the city
VIOLENCE RULES

But that’s not enough
A virus, a teeny, tiny little bug
Takes over the world with the biggest pandemic ever

And it kills millions
COVID RULES

But that’s not enough
The pandemic separation is a pandemic itself

It separates us from our friends,
From our hopes and dreams
From our practices of community
From our lives, from our work
SEPARATION RULES

But that’s not enough
Our government, our democracy
Is barely surviving, living on Fear
Afraid of losing
Afraid of control, afraid of no control
Afraid of each other
Afraid of ourselves and the darkness
FEAR RULES

But that’s not enough
Black men keep getting murdered
Police keep getting blamed for what belongs to everyone
Always we are blaming the other

Elders are dying alone

Half a million have died of COVID
Mother’s keep weeping in their sleep for lost children
Father’s keep gnashing their teeth in the night for lost opportunities
Brothers and sisters stare out into the empty sky looking for a star to wish on
Friends continue to be far away, each of us lost in our own loss
GRIEF RULES

But that’s not enough
I had to lose my feet and hands to neuropathy
Hand/foot syndrome
Numbness, and pain
And now cellulitis, swelling and pain
Really? Wasn’t it enough already?
CANCER STILL RULES even after it is gone

This is my lament
CANCER RULES
VIOLENCE RULES
COVID RULES
SEPARATION RULES
FEAR RULES
GRIEF RULES
 
How long or Lord how long?
How long?
How long until we let go of these lies?
How long until we see that it is LOVE, LOVE THAT PREVAILS?
That we begin with kindness and find light and love?
How long until we see through the mess to you?

How long until we see the SACRED in everything and everyone and are no longer SCARED?

~Jules Bonde, April 27, 2021

BREAST CANCER UPDATE: Xeloda Round #3

DAY 1 OF ROUND 3 OUT 6 OF TAKING XELODA

The pattern to taking Xeloda has been taking four 500mg pills twice a day for 14 days, then 7 days off. So I just finished my “week off” and am starting on Round 3 of this pattern with one exception. My dose is now three 500mg pills twice a day instead of four.

One of the most common side effects of Xeloda is something called “hand/foot syndrome.” Hand-foot syndrome causes redness, swelling, and pain on the palms of the hands and/or the soles of the feet. Blisters are possible Just to be clear, this is not the same as peripheral neuropathy which is damage to the nerves of your hands and feet.

I already had neuropathy from having Taxol infusions last year. That neuropathy has not gone away and is aggravated by this new side effect of hand/foot syndrome. So now I have a combination of numbness, tingling, redness, and pain on both the soles of my feet and my fingers. In one case I did get blister on my foot. By the end of the second two weeks of taking the Xeloda my hands and feet were pretty sore.

Tylenol takes some of the edge off. I use a lot of lotions and ointments and wear socks and gloves to protect them. My body has clearly liked this last “week off.” Both my feet and hands recovered some. It is a strange thing to experience this.  It is very hard to describe the sensations when there is a combination of numbness and pain. I have moments when I despair and grieve for the loss of my amazing healthy feet. Other times I find myself wallowing in deep gratitude for being able to still walk, to still type, however clumsily, to still be able to sing, to still be connected to friends and a delicious family. And I continue to be in awe of how magnificently our bodies are made, that even with all this stress, all these chemicals, the body continues to work on healing and making way for the sun and moon to shine within, the joy and sorrow to bring their colors. What a magnificent body it is; even as it is struggling or even more so as it struggles. Wow!

So, after letting my doctor know how things were going, she lowered my dosage for this next round. I pray that the side effects will be less severe this time around. If all goes well and I can hang in there for all 6 rounds of this, my last dose will be June 25, exactly a year after my first chemotherapy infusion in 2020. Please pray with me that this is the end of treatments and the end of any and all cancer in my body.

OTHER THINGS ARE HAPPENING

Meantime, other life is happening. Pete is project manager in replacing our old garage with a new one. The foundation for the new garage was poured on Good Friday which seems like a nice coincidence. In this Easter/Spring season, the garage will be coming to life also. Managing the project has taking a lot of Pete’s energy and I am extremely grateful I don’t need to do much. We have a friend of Pete’s sister Karen helping with the building of the shell. Pete & other Bonde members or friends will be putting on the siding and roof shingles and installing the electricity. I’m not sure how much Mr. Pete has time for his garden but I’m sure something will grow there anyway. Like our bodies, plants are also tenacious beings. 

Meantime, we also pray for our city (The Twin Cities), for our nation and the world, that healing may come to everyone’s body, to everyone’s heart and to everyone’s family and community. That love may come. That peace may grow out of gratitude and joy.

That kindness will be the habit that lines the streets and manages the space between us.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KINDNESS AND PRAYERS!

~love, Jules