A SUNSET PICNIC

October 30th was a warm and still evening for us in the city. After a day of singing in church choir and later singing with friends in song circle, I asked my husband if we could have a sunset picnic. We picked up our favorite order at Leann Chin and drove up to what we call "cemetery hill" with our food. After a little walk, we brought our chairs to the top of the hill for dinner and a show! And what a show it was! Keep in mind, this is a sunset in the middle of metropolitan area. I couldn't help myself and my camera agreed! It was too beautiful a show to miss! I'm not sure which tasted better, the fried rice and spicy chicken or the constant display of color and clouds dancing together before our eyes. If you ever get a chance, head up to cemetery hill and don't forget your camera. It's worth the price of admission and then some! Click on the video below to get a taste. Enjoy!

I am so grateful for the abudance of beauty this world provides. 

This is my first entry for Gratitude Month! 

Catching the Winter Sun

Sunrise ~ February 16, 2021                                 Sunrise from my bedroom

Sunset ~ February 16, 2021                Sunset from our office

Sunrise and Sunset

Catching the winter sun on both ends

Of a cold Minnesota winter's day

Captured from my windows with the help of a lens

Giving me a good start and end to a full day at home

Then carrying the sun in my heart

To spite the cloud cover the next day

Then carrying hope to spite the gloom

Then a smile crosses my face

"You can't get me, I'm sunshine!"

Have a great day and stay warm!

~jules

____________________

coming soon: a health update

Finding Hope in the Trees during Challenging Times

January 9, 2021

Deep breath! What a week! Earlier this week, I went to radiology therapy for my pre-treatment dry run. At the exact same time, a group of insurrectionists gathered and with encouragement from our president and others, stormed the capitol. In addition, I have been getting messages from friends who have had major health issues or family deaths without a chance to gather for funerals. So many reasons to be discouraged. Enough said!

The next day I had my first of 20 radiation treatments to discourage my breast cancer from coming back. The treatments only take 10 minutes or so but it is a 15 to 20 minute drive each way. The treatments are every weekday until I have finished them all. It is not lost on me that there is a cancer of sorts in our culture too. I think we all feel it. Whether we know how to name it or how to cure it, we feel it in our bones or the shortness of our breath. It's been there a long time and only now got serious and big enough for us to really know that we need healing. We need to stop and allow healing to happen. 

One of the things that has worked for me in the past and is especially helpful to me this past ten months has been going for a daily walk. Because I have been very weak some of that time, I hold onto my husband's arm and we sometimes walk very slow and don't go far. It is just important to at least get out of my house and walk around the neighborhood. I haven't always been faithful at this in the past but lately it is part of what saves me. This practice is not just about exercise. It is about seeing the other part of the world, the other part of our reality, outside of our four walls and the screens that connect us now. 

The other thing that has worked for me is that I often take a camera with me or at least use my phone camera. The camera helps me really see what is there. The more I look, the more I am stunned at how abundant our world is. And by that I mean an abundance of beauty, of love, of glorious life! I look at the big and I look at the small details and the more I look, the more densely packed the world is with amazing life! 

This practice seeps into my relationships. I started noticing how incredible people are too. Although I'm less likely to take photos of them, I keep a heart picture of them inside of me. In the face of so many reasons to give up or lose hope, most people perservere and some even shine brighter than ever, making me wonder how I could let a little thing like spilled tea or lost keys or rush hour traffic bother me; making me think I can overcome this cancer and live on. And it makes me wonder how to invite that abunbance into the spotlight, so that we have hope of healing the community.

Today, my answer to that question is just to share some of my photos with you (see link at the end of this). The photos are all of trees and bushes in my neighborhood within a two-block radius of my house, that I took just this morning. We don't need to look far. We just need to look with eyes and hearts and ears open. There is hope. Here is some of my reason for being grateful and hopeful today. 

I pray that some day soon we'll know how to move through this time and find healing. I pray that my cancer will never come back. In the meantime, the trees and all of your hearts and all of your songs help keep me grounded in love and I hope this helps you too.

peace be with you, Jules

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO SEE THE WHOLE ALBUM

Grounding--day 19

Sunday, March 15, 2020

(COVID-19 (aka Corona Virus) global shutdown is in process)

In the last week, almost everything I participate in has been cancelled, shut-down, postponed..etc. Pete and I are regular Sunday church people. It's been part of our life since we met and still is. Today the churches are closed and you can watch some version of it online, without the people. In a couple days all the schools in the state will be closed and we might have an opportunity to help watch grandchildren while our children balance work and health and home. Three days ago, Pete and the Dragonfly Project Board had to make the difficult decision to cancel our 18th Annual Celebration and Remembrance event. After that, I confess, I did a spin around the panic park and got centered on the realization that this virus will affect every single person on this planet in some way, even if they don't get sick. It's a LOT to take in and a LOT to adjust to!

So what to do? How do I begin again?

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait too long for one idea. Yesterday, my spiritual director posted that she was going to take a "prayer walk" this morning with an open invitation for others to join. So this morning, that is just what Pete and I did. We went on a prayer walk at Silverwood Park with my spiritual director. It's about a mile loop around the park. 

As we walked in the cold sunshine, we talked about concerns and a long list of people and circumstances...each thing then became another prayer. We prayed for peace and hope, for people who will be grieving, for those who are isolated, for those who will experience losses small and large (things like lost wedding or graduation parties, no elective surgery so no new knee; things like lost hope). We prayed for those whose health is vulnerable already, for those who will suffer from the isolation, for those who are hungry and cold and homeless and now deal with this added threat. We wondered too how we might step up and help our neighbor. And while we prayed and talked, we breathed the fresh cold air and enjoyed the nurture of nature. 

Afterward, Pete and I took a little extra time to go out to the island where I got some close up pictures of the ice and leaves having their winter time together. For me, the joy of the art these two items create together gave me so much joy. Then we paused quietly to listen to the ice popping on the lake ...the ice creating a sort of Alleluia/Amen to our morning worship.

I think this might be our new Sunday practice, as weather and time permit. 

I pray you find a way to ground yourself back to love during this time of the virus crisis.

peace,

Jules

Rocks, Trees, Water and a Camera Chick

July, 30, 2019

Yesterday my husband and I got back from a 5-day camping trip at Devil's Lake State Park in Wisconsin. We figured it was our ninth trip there. We got started the year before one of our sons got married to scope out the wedding venue. The next year they got married on South Shore with their toes in the sand. We've been returning to camp there with our daughter-in-law's family ever since. It's hard to improve on it for a great camping experience. A beautiful little clean lake with tons of swimming space, two incredible bluffs with huge Baraboo quartzite tumbling bolder fields below and enough hiking and climbing to keep everyone happy.

I am out of shape, somewhat overweight and have a cranky ankle and a recent flair-up of plantar fasciitis. So I wasn't sure this was going to go as well as previous trips. But the minute I started setting up camp, the forest started whispering my name. And the second I stepped foot on the trail, I knew I would follow those whispers wherever they lead me. I recently acquired an off-brand fit watch for counting steps. I figure I walked about an average of eight miles each of the five days, some of it up a substantial elevation on the cliffs. But with the wind and the trees singing to me and the rocks offering to carry my weight and the water offering a healing view, how could I resist. So off goes this camera chick with all the much healthier ones for hikes and adventures. I came home sore but with a camera full of treasures. Once again, I found myself falling in love with the original artist--the Creator. Every time I look through that lens I find more color, more design, more intricacy and detail, more life and abundance then I ever thought possible.  And a few times i even caught us humans interacting with that abundance.

My cell phone had no service at this state park but I didn't miss it, although I used it for a camera part of the time. How can you miss it when you are wrapped in the wonder of the art, almost as if stepping into a painting or a book and wandering around in the beauty.

During our stay, we wandered over to Mirror Lake State Park for a nice kayak paddle with our friends, Mike and Tim. And on our way home, we stopped at two more state parks, Rocky Arbor and Mill Bluff where we discovered even more of the Wisconsin jungle and its beauty.

Here is a sample to share with you. I pray that some day you go somewhere with no phone service and get the chance to wallow in such splendor. Enjoy!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW: Rocks, Trees, and Water Photo Album

THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules

The Sacredness of a Cup of Tea (or Coffee)

"A cup of tea becomes sacred time when shared with the heart of another." ~ Jules

There are some things one can't write in a public forum because there are people's privacy to protect. So many times, I have wanted to write a blog about an incredible person who has crossed my path but to share the magic of that I’d be sharing personal things about them that might not be helpful to share in public. And other times, I've been tempted to write something not so nice which I quickly realize won't help and is most likely coming from my own unmet expectations.

Perhaps that's why it is so important that we not just write and post and Twitter and Facebook but that we meet face to face, one on one or in trusted circles to share our deeper and messier and lovelier selves. When I find out who the real you is, with all the bumps and pimples and all the bravery and courage, I am even more inspired than I was when I first saw the twinkle and shine in your eyes. It has often been said that "misery loves company" and it is true. It really does help to vent our misery with others AND to discover that we are not alone in it. What we don't notice as often is that "joy loves company" too. Joy shared is gratitude that finds its way to your bones and lives. When we share our vulnerability, when we give voices to our gratitude, it becomes an abundance and that makes the world a better place.

Which brings me to why I haven't been writing more in my blog lately. I have plenty to say but right now I am focusing more energy on in-person, face-to-face meetings; spending more time with real people, with real messes and real victories to share. This is partly the gift of summer and more freedom to get out. (My work increases during the school year) And I Love it. I LOVE, love what happens to my heart, my soul when the real story is shared in real time. I love how the Holy Spirit begins to show up too. I know it takes time, but it is totally worth it. I hope I can keep making time for this.

So, this is an open invitation to you. Consider contacting someone you would like to talk to and setting up a real conversation, maybe add a cup of coffee or tea. Perhaps if we all spend more time sharing our SORROW AND our JOY, we'll stop pushing against each other and instead find ourselves inspired, encouraged and praying for one another.

And now I'm off to share the privilege of time with a friend.

~Jules, 8/28/18

GRATITUDE MONTH #30: final entry--PETE

I saved the BEST for last! Today I share with you my deep, humble gratitude for my husband, my partner, my friend Pete! I will spend eternity giving thanks to God for this man in my life! Love, hope, joy, peace---he lives all these things. And of course he drives me crazy too but I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I am so honored to call Pete my partner for life! Nothing has brought me more joy than living life with him, creating family, working together, finding home. 

Thank you God for Pete! I am so grateful!

Below is a poem I wrote for our 26th Anniversary, that I think is worth repeating--or re-Pete-ing.  Love you, Pete!

He is Pete

He is the tortoise who will win the race against the hare.

He is the knight in shining armor who will cut through the thorns

 and tangle of vines to wake the sleeping beauty.

He is the navigator, the one that keeps the ship from running aground.

His love runs deep, his commitment is unshakeable,

His tenderness is healing,

He is the rock on which this family stands.

He is the full moon on the calm sea.

He is the stars twinkling in my eyes.

He is the secret behind my smile.

He is the arms of God wrapping me in grace.

He is the depth of my joy and the muse of my wisdom.

His love nurtures me, gives me pleasure in life, and challenges me to grow with integrity.

He is the waves crashing on my shore.

He knows the way to unlock my wild passion.

He honors my gifts and worships my beauty as if I am really golden.

He sings my praises in the marketplace and whispers our love to his friends.

He is my heart of hearts, my joy of joys, the love of my life, the friend I could never imagine.

He is Pete.

July 25, 2007

Happy 26^th Anniversary!

Love, JJ

GRATITUDE MONTH #27: PEANUT BUTTER

It all started with my dad. He loved peanut butter and I loved him! It was an easy sell all the way around. We lived in Madagascar so we made our own food, including peanut butter. 

Here's how the process went. We started by going to the market, which in the capital city Tananarive where we lived, was at the bottom of a very long flight of stairs. Walking through the open air market, with all the sights and sounds and smells was an adventure in itself. We'd buy a couple kilos of peanuts, still in the shell and still quite raw. 

Once back home, we had to shell the peanuts. This meant sitting and pressing on those shells with your hands or a hammer until you were tired. But of course, Dad has stories to tell and it was family time in the kitchen with Mom. I loved these times. After all the shelling was done, then came the roasting. Dad watched this part like a hawk. Much later in my life, I have realized how important this part is. If you don't roast them enough, they aren't as good but you have to get them out of the oven before they burn too. Tricky business! To this day I choose my peanut butter by the quality of the roast color I see through the jar.

Then, we had to rub off the skins! That part is pretty easy. And then comes the grinding. We used to use an old fashioned meat/food grinder with hand crank. It had different inserts with three different sized holes so we could get it finer. It was my job to hold down the stool that the grinder was attached to and spoon the peanuts into the grinder while Dad cranked away. We put it through the grinder three times. It was Mom's job to have fresh bread ready by the time the peanut butter was ready! 

I've been in love with peanut butter ever since! If you have ever lived with me or near me, you know that I still eat more peanut butter than the average bear! It's a love affair that will never end. And it goes with everything...well almost everything. I eat it with fruit, rice, oatmeal, veggies and of course bread & jelly.

So grateful for peanuts and peanut butter!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#19: ORNAMENTAL GRASS

These ornamental grasses are in my yard. And each time I look at them, I am just grateful! It's not the same in a photo but perhaps as you look here, they will speak to your heart too. So beautiful!

The more I spend time with nature, the more I am stunned by the abundance of it all, the glory, the beauty, strength. It makes me feel like the world has much more to offer, like I am rich indeed. 

I am so grateful for these grasses in my yard that remind me of this abundant world.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#17: FRIDAYS with the GRANDS

Friday Fun for 4! or....Fridays with the Grands!

In September 2016, as Pete was backing off of work and I was in the middle of helping with daycare for the grand-kids, we began a new tradition in our family. We asked if the grands could come to our house on Fridays--both of them! They are Solveig & Wendell, first cousins, 4 months apart in age. We LOVE having them over for our Friday Fun days!

At this stage of the tradition, it goes something like this:

Breakfast is full of giggles and feet pushing against the table. Soon after there are toys all over the floor, the favorites changing as they kiddos change. Solveig leads the frequent visits to the kitchen for more snacks and meals. Wendell leads the effort to turn on all the lights in the house, however high the switches are. Feeding the fish, legos, animals, cars, balls, playing piano, etc. They love playing with us and over the months get closer and closer to playing with each other. Sometimes we even get them both napping at once in the afternoon, sometimes. Two such different kids, both precious and beautiful. We love this time to get to know them, for them to know us, to stop our serious adult lives and just be grandparents. How lucky we are! And there are lessons to learn.

These little ones live in the moment, ALWAYS! They stay in the moment even though every moment is about growing, becoming, learning how to be more me in the next moment. They are spontaneous, inviting us to give in to our urges to run and jump, to suddenly leap for a hug or grab a book to enjoy together. They find joy in the simplest things and sometimes the messy things---jumping on couches, throwing toys, tasting and dropping new foods on the floor. They live a life not measured but embraced. Life is now.

Two who are two have a lot of energy and curiosity. And these two grandparents love every minute!

I am so grateful, so thankful for this gift of Fridays with the Grands!

GRATITUDE MONTH--#15: REFLECTIONS

I'm pausing today to give thanks for Reflections! There has always been something magical to me about visual reflections. The ones you most often notice are probably when you are at the lake at dawn. But you can find them in puddles, windows, mirrors, and even the shiny surface of your car. 

Each time I pause to look at a reflection it expands my understanding, it alters my view of the world. Puddle reflections expand the depth of the shallow waters. Sunset reflections magnify the color. And even when the surface is not flat or calm, the texture that the reflection creates makes me pause to wonder.


My inner reflections grow deeper as i engage more in the visual reflections. It just seems like a gift that keeps on giving and giving. Abundance indeed! I am sooo thankful for all of this beauty! 

Reflections! (18 slides in slideshow--Enjoy!)

GRATITUDE MONTH--#14: MY FRIENDS

Friendship!
Hearts united by the mutual joy!
Dancing together through the messes of life!
My friends!

They are beautiful!
Of course!

I couldn't be more grateful for the stunning and incredible people that I get to be close to; especially these last ten years!

Singing, laughing, crying, groaning and growing together! Celebrating, honoring, challenging and reaching out to each other! My sisters of heart lift me up when I am down, remind me in a very nice way that it is not all about me AND it is all about me. And just like in the picture, they free me to dance to my own rhythm, to play, to be fully myself while also returning the favor. And what a great dance it is! They bring me hope, give me love and in the midst of their own mess find a way to give me wisdom. Friends are the best possible idea God/Love ever had! 

Thank you to all of you! 

I couldn't have made it this far without you! 

Today, I am grateful for FRIENDS!

GRATITUDE MONTH--DAY #7: CLOUD PAINTINGS

GRATITUDE MONTH--DAY #7: Cloud Paintings
photos by Julie (jules) Bonde

Clouds get a bad rap sometimes. I've been known to whine quite annoyingly about clouds and cloudy days; especially those dull, gray, overcast days when it's more like on gigantic cloud is covering everything under the sun. But when the clouds open just a wee bit and play with the sun, magical things happen. I learn then, that clouds add a great richness to the canvas of light over my head and even sometimes the canvas of night as the moon shines through. It is the clouds as well as the pollution that create the bright orange of sunrise and sunset that I can't seem to get enough of. Every second is another whole masterpiece of texture and color, stunning artwork! The view over my head lifts my heart, inspires my soul and helps me breathe. And from it I learn that light playing with the messiness, even the darkness, of life can create a stunning artwork indeed. I learn that all I need for peace, for prayer, is a moment long enough to gaze skyward. But you don't have to take my word for it. You can just look up. Today, I'm grateful for Cloud Paintings!

GRATITUDE MONTH--DAY #5: PETE'S GARDENS

Gratitude/Thanksgiving Day #5: Pete's Gardens

On this cold cloudy day, just past setting the clocks back and having our first snow, my husband, Pete is out putting his gardens to bed for the winter. He’s harvesting the last of the carrots and beets and bringing in the bulbs for their winter rest. Thirty-two years ago, we planted a few raspberry bushes and a couple of squares of vegetables. Every year, Pete adds a little more. We joke that someday the garden will grow all the way to the house. Joking aside, I am so grateful for Pete’s gardens. There’s not just one now, there are many. Some way out at the point of our triangular yard and some by the house and in the back. From the first sprouts of Spring to the brown mess of Fall, his gardens bring joy to the passerby, fill our stomachs with fresh produce, and provide a place for bee and butterfly to drink their fill. Ah yes, sometimes I complain that he’s out there too much but deep inside, I’d hate for that land to just be grass to mow! Even the neighbors across the street comment how much they love the view of the garden.

This year, in addition to raspberries enough for several batches of jam, we had bean, snap peas, broccoli, bell peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, kale, black berries, zucchini, squash, watermelon, beets, carrots, a few strawberries and flowers and decorative grasses too many to mention. With such rich bounty, we have been able to share with others. He’s even been growing ornamental banana trees the last couple of years, a sweet reminder of my tropical childhood home!

 What a treat today, to eat a delicious salad, some of which came from the garden! As I ate it, I noticed again how energizing it is to eat food that still has life in it, green vibrant life! I am grateful! Pete’s gardens!

GRATITUDE MONTH--DAY #4: TEA

Gratitude/Thanksgiving Day #4: Tea
Today, I am grateful for Moon over Madagascar tea, a special vanilla-infused, rich, black tea that has become my favorite beverage over the last 10 years. Each morning, I pause to make this lovely tea. I'm grateful for the ritual of boiling water, enjoying the aroma of the tea leaves even as I scoop them into the strainer, and then waiting five minutes while the water gently absorbs the flavor and the aroma gradually spreads throughout my kitchen. Is it any surprise that my favorite flavor just happens to have the name of my birthplace in it's title? I don't think so. It seems almost a divine gift, an aphrodisiac. There is certainly a sacredness in that first sip, a moment of communing with the rich abundance of my life, some of which comes from that far away place called Madagascar. It reminds me to savor my life, to give thanks for the wonderful taste of another day, another meal. Today I am thankful for tea!

A NEW YEAR'S INVITATION

(photo: dawn on my street on winter solstice)

A NEW YEAR'S INVITATION

A new year has come

and your are invited to the feast of

another 365 days of living

a buffet of flavors and seasons

Love, humor, color, and more

Come taste the life offered to you

Open your ears to the music

your eyes to the beauty

your heart to the possibilities

A new year has come and you are invited

to live life to its fullest

to be who you are

may 2017 be your best year yet!

~Jules

Free Again

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

my African violet celebrating freedom to bloom in winter

Today marks the first day in awhile that both Pete and I feel free. Not free in the sense that we have no obligation but at long last, are not confined by cancer, sinus infection or nasty viruses to a particular diet or bed or part of the house. 

Pete, had Phase 2 have his Papillary Thyroid Cancer treatment the last four weeks which ended yesterday. This consisted of three weeks of a low iodine diet followed by three days of thryoid hormone shots. After that he swallowed a radioactive iodine pill which forced him to stay overnight in the hospital and then be sequestered in his own part of the house once I brought him home. We could look at each other from a distance but couldn't touch. Pete couldn't touch any of the utensils I was going to use to eat so I had to serve him everything. As of today, this is all over!

Meantime, I contracted a nasty virus that led to a nasty sinus infection. For this same three weeks, I have spent more than half my time flat on my back in bed and some of my time caring for my grandson, who started antibiotics the same day as me. I figure in that time I used upwards of 600 kleenex tissues, and sucked about 75 cough drops, not to mention all the drugs and tea and soup. And I coughed so much I got sore stomach. Sunday was my first day out in public. I'm still blowing but the pain and headache are gone and the energy has returned. And no more cough drops!

So today, is freedom day! For the first time in ages, I feel like getting up and accomplishing something. And Pete was up and off to work at the crack of dawn. There's something so magical about the first day you wake up well after a long confinement. It feels as if I've been reborn, like I have been given another chance at life. Outside the temperatures are dropping below the zero mark, the land and some cars are freezing up and refusing to go. Inside, where all dreams are born, it is spring and green. The winter flowers are ready to burst. I'm having delusions of grandeur, of a clean house, one that is finely decorated for the holidays and all my papers sorted and my ducks in a row. I'm dreaming of holiday parties and gifts and writing my annual letter. Okay, that is a little grandiose but let me have my moment please!

Meantime, I hope each and everyone of you gets to stay healthy over the winter and holidays and that you have a moment to celebrate the freedom this health offers you. 

I'm free again! We are free again!

Bitter and Sweet

Life is bittersweet at its heart, perhaps at its best. For it is in those moments of deepest sorrow or pain that we also are suddenly keenly aware of the amazing gifts and beauty of our lives.

I'll never ever forget the 16 months we had with our son Hans after he was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme) the summer between his 4th and 5th grade years. I can't remember the excruciating pain without also remembering it as one of the best times of our lives. Being faced with the total and complete vulnerability of life for each of us (no matter how healthy) made all those unimportant squabbles and desires melt away. Money and success and being right ceased to matter. All that mattered was love and the moments.

Hans following one of his surgeries.

In some ways it seemed like time stopped. We suddenly had time to enjoy each other and be with each other in ways we hadn't before. We celebrated every day we had together. We went camping, biking, played games, laughed, hung out with extended family. We talked, we sang, we prayed. We hugged and cuddled. We fell in complete love with each other. Honestly, it was an amazing time for us. We lived with joy. Each day was so precious that we closed with a ritual of good night with blessing and goodbye.

Of course, one day we did say goodbye forever as Hans moved on to the next life. (September 28, 2000) And of course there was some pretty wrenching and dark days of mourning to follow. But even those gave birth to a deeper sense of gratitude and honor for this sweet person we were privileged to have among us, even for a short time. And eventually that expanded to a deeper gratitude for all of life, however flawed it is.

What I'm trying to say, is that the bitter and the sweet are so closely tied, that I can't separate them. I'm not arguing for cause and effect, just for the constant companionship of them both in my life. Bitter whispers in one ear with how tragic life is and Sweet sings in the other how fantastic and amazing it is. And peace grows in me, I am transformed, as I learn to dance with both these partners.

Peace!
Jules, 9/2/2016

Winning the Lottery!

July 21, 2016

In 1959 I was born into a beautiful and loving family. I am just so grateful that I landed there. My parents were in their forties, about 10 to 15 years older than my friends and peers. My siblings, (all 5 of them) were off at boarding school, 700 miles away. [my parents were Lutheran missionaries on the island of Madagascar from 1948 to 1976 and boarding school was part of that experience] My mom and I flew down to introduce me to them when I was 6 weeks old, the first of many attempts at family reunions--with intention to be family together. But as it turned out, we never really did live together except for a few vacations here and there. There weren't as many gatherings as we wanted. Like the others, I went to boarding school too, when i was in first grade and on from there. And then after college, each of us in turn spread our wings and flew far and wide and now live in 5 different states and coast to coast.

As I look back over the last 57 years, there have been a lot of tear-filled nights and days, longing for my family, wishing I could live with them and praying that one day, I would have a family to really belong to. This being apart has influenced both my mistakes and my wholehearted decisions. It's been my deepest pain and most exquisite gift.

Three weeks ago was our most recent family reunion. We all (all 6 of us siblings) came together (plus a few spouses and children) to spend a week together. It was amazing! It was loving and it was, for a few days, that feeling of family. We did more story-telling than ever before. We spent more time together. I found myself returning to that deep gratitude, for landing there, in that place 57 years ago. We've all grown up a lot, we're all in our wisdom years and now in addition to loving each other, we have the grace to just be together and enjoy the moments when we can. I am filled with love and gratitude for that week.

I can't stop  there though. I have to include another reunion that happened the week before when I spent a week with 7 women that I have known since birth as all of us grew at boarding school together, all of us close to the same age. We had a reunion at one of their homes and spent a week, laughing, talking, crying and just wallowing in this space of friendship and this feeling of family; adopted family. I can't believe the kindness and support and generosity I felt that week. I can only begin to express my gratitude for that.

And there's more! because after both of these reunions I went to practice with my hospice/comfort choir [Morning Star Singers]. And in those first few notes of harmony, I felt so at home, more myself perhaps than I feel anywhere else in the world. This is my tribe too, these gorgeous hearts that live so lovingly, that blend so beautifully, that fight to keep kindness and peace int he world with their presence.

And there's even more! In a few days, I will celebrate 35 years of wonderful, joyful, amazing marriage and friendship with my husband Pete. I can't believe I got so lucky! he is truly one of earth's most treasured gifts. And with him came another entire clan who took me in and cared for me. And with him came our beautiful children and grandchildren. In addition I have great friends who have stood by me through thick and thin.

I feel today as if I've won some secret lottery. And like any winner I am crying with tears of joy. I've won it all! --Family, partnership, marriage, friends and time to enjoy them!

How many ways is there to say thank you? and grateful? I thought perhaps this old picture of me would do the trick. In honor of all those who have touched my heart and my life, I raise my hands to the heavens!

Thank you!