Living with an Open Heart, a Messy Life and Grace to overflowing

Born in Madagascar, I love the feeling of bare feet on sand, the salty smell of the ocean breeze & sun. I love children, 0 to 100. Singing & writing are how I learn, pray, meditate, heal and breathe. I treasure living in the Presence of the ONE.

I love organization and I hate maintenance. I alphabetize my spices, have my book shelves sorted by category but there are piles of papers stacked high in my home office. I can't remember the last time someone dusted the top of the windows and doors. The basement is filled with junk. The bad news is I'm always fighting myself. The good news is no matter which i'm leaning today, I'm always winning. (grin)

I’m often out of step with the rest of the world. I can’t remember what day it is, when the next prayer group meeting is or where I last put my keys. People are often canceling on me, walking away without explanation, or just dying on me. In the last month, I have had to battle kidney stone surgery, three canceled retreats, one canceled class that I was going to help teach and I lost a job I almost had.

Just as often everything in my world is synchronized. Like the other day, I found my missing shoe, two pairs of missing ear rings, and a missing and favored necklace. On that same day, I was sorting papers and found some of my dignity at the bottom of the pile. Then the phone rang and while talking to a friend I remembered my heart’s strength. Another phone conversation restored my faith in my vision and left me with peace of mind. Sometimes it rains and pours even as the sun is about to shine. Sometimes the mishaps are just part of the flow.

My heart beats wildly to love people. I try to remember that when I approach someone, I am approaching God in the flesh. I am often stunned and overwhelmed by the beauty I find as I look into the other person's eyes. My heart also beats wildly in fear of rejection. When they find who I am, will they run screaming in the other direction? Will they take all they can get and then wipe their feet on my heart as they walk away? There is no way to know and so I often take the chance to invite another into my humble abode-- old jeans, messy hair and all. But will I be able to protect myself from the pain?

So while I ache for those I have loved and lost, either to departure or death, I am also constantly being filled up with the joy of knowing such exquisite human beings. I grew up in a missionary boarding school far away from my parents and five siblings or any other blood relatives. But I have never been left without a family. My ever-growing family of heart now numbers in the hundreds and includes people of every gender, preference, religion, ethnic background and age. I am so blessed to be always wrapped in God's love and kindness.

Surviving and thriving could be enough and yet I am gifted with joy beyond that. I am so rich as to know deep, deep passion. I have music in my blood and people to share the songs with. I am lucky beyond measure to know a vision of how wonderful life is already and how much more gorgeous it could be. I have God and God's angels for my constant companions. I have God's word. I have the rainbow over my head, wings under my feet and the steady pulse of the earth's heart to hold me up. And deep within, where only God can see, there is a light that will never go out. It is the light that Christ held up for us and many others as well. It is the LOVE that is God's very essence.

So I say yes to living with an open heart and a messy life because within it all is LOVE and Grace to overflowing.


jules 3/27/2010

STONE FREE

The 2nd day after kidney stone surgery.

Wow! The connection of soul to body, of heart to mind is so much stronger than I thought.

The kidney stone surgery was a success. I feel different, truly different. Coincidentally, a brave truth was spoken in the same twenty-four hour period. Though it required courage and pain, removing the stone and standing in the truth, I already feel lighter, cleaner. It still hurts a little, stings here and there but it is a good pain, clean of the stones of grudges, fear, misunderstanding and grief. It is a clean cut ready to heal, already healing.

I wonder a little if I am too late. Has there already been permanent damage to my kidney? Has the long time of carrying the burden erased too much of the good that came before? but then I remember God's grace. I remember the creators words, "It is good. I have called you and you are mine. All things work together for good. Fear not, it is I. I am here with you always." I remember Jesus gift, his hand reaching down to me and whispering, "May i have this dance? Will you dance with me?"

YES is my answer.I will dance. And I will sing. I will shout. I will write of your kindness.

Dear surgeon who has reached in and grabbed the stone, I thank you.

Dear friend who has reached in and replaced the stone with truth I thank you.

and now will you all dance with me?  with us? Will you sing the song?

Will you live stone-free with me?

come! Let's do it!

Stones

Having been a month since my last entry, it is way past time for another. On this (March 9) eve of my kidney stone surgery I thought it appropriate to reflect on grace and messiness.

Stone deaf. I thought I was listening. In fact, I spent most of October, November and December of last year doing just that...listening. Listening for God's guidance, for the answers to a pretty messy situation with some freinds, listening to what the big silence has to tell me, listening to what my friends have to say. But all that time I was deaf to my own song, my own voice and the story my body was telling me. I wasn't listening to how my body and my heart and my voice are connected. It took me a long time to finally grow strong enough to really listen and honor my own soul as much as i was honoring everyone else. And still, where my body was concerned, I was stone deaf.

Stone blind. I didn't see this coming really at all. you'd think the pain would have been a clue but for a number a reasons it wasn't obvious to me that I was working up a sizable stone in my kidney. Oddly or perfectly on time perhaps, the idea that I might have a stone occurred to me just as everything else in my life was turning up sunshine. Just today I was talking with a friend and we were commenting on how profound M. Scott Peck was when he wrote his first line, "Life is difficult," in his book, "The Road Less Traveled." That says it all doesn't it? Life is difficult. I know this. I have a list of difficulties as long as anybody else. so why didn't i see this coming? Certainly one tragedy or hassle does not give you immunity to others. But I was stone blind.

But not stone cold. Of course Peck didn't have the whole truth in his one sentence. He was missing the other half of the story. He was missing that Life is sweet and delicate and beautiful. He was missing the grace. Stones can be stumbling obstacles or they can be markers. Yes, I was deaf and I was blind and I was stubborn. I stumbled right over my own feet and my sad heart and fell flat on my pride. but God reached down and pulled me up with one more song, three more friends and a whisper, "May I have this dance?"

It is fitting, I think, that tomorrow I will have help removing the stone that is blocking the flow from kidney and I will begin cleansing anew with a clear organ. Likewise, I am ready to remove the obstacles that stand in the way of me moving forward. I am ready to be cleansed of the baggage, the walls that separate and live again in the truth. I am ready to live clean again.

Thanks be to the Holy One for the chance to live again, for the invitation to get up off my backside and DANCE!