Do the Write Thing or Write vs Right

I’ve been trying to do this one thing ever since I was born or at least ever since I can remember consciousness. I’ve been trying to do the right thing. For a huge chunk of my childhood I thought I was pretty damn good at it, although a child who is doing the right thing doesn’t use words like damn...at least not in my community of origin. And by “right” I mean I followed all the rules, kept my mouth shut, listened carefully, worked hard to make my parents proud and as much as possible didn’t rock any  boats. Looking back on my childhood, I can’t think of any boats that tipped over, real or metaphorical, due to my rocking. And this served me well for my childhood, for the most part. 

And yet, as I look back, I was drawn toward doing the “write" thing from the start as well. My dad used to tell the story of how on my first day of life he held me up to his shoulder for a cuddle. He was wearing one of those collared work shirts with stuff in the front pocket. When he pulled me away and lifted me with arms stretched out, I had grabbed a letter out of his pocket and was still gripping it. My baby book says that Dad thought I might be a writer some day. Maybe instead of a pastor he was psychic. Did he really know me that well on my first day? It turns out he wasn’t wrong.

Doing the right thing got old really fast when I went from being a deep-thinking child to a deep-thinking teenager. That’s when I discovered being right and doing right can’t guarantee happiness. And that’s when writing first became very clearly the right thing for me to do. Writing in a journal kept me out of trouble and brought me a lasting friend, myself. Writing also got me the grades I wanted and gave me a chance to do something to contribute to the community. I edited my first news letter when I was 15. I loved it.

In between those first gratifying write moments and now I lost my way a few times, falling off the writing(journals are your best friend) path and getting back on the righting (that is tip no boats) path. It has never stopped being a struggle for me to want to do the right thing, sometimes at great cost to my happiness. Those are hard lessons to learn but the doing-it-right path is not a righting place for me. It is a self-deprecating place. In contrast, if I just write, just give myself to the words and the spirit, yes spirit that flows through them, I find I do more right than not. Writing brings me joy and others a perspective they haven’t considered. Sometimes writing exposes the dream within and sometimes it invites color and laughter. It is so clear to me now that the right thing for me is to write.

So now, I stand looking toward a new year, which is only a few weeks away. On an almost daily basis I am reminded that life is short, that it is not worth it to waste time trying to do the right thing. On an almost daily basis, I find a write thing to do and it centers me. It seems there is only one right thing to do. And that is, find more time to write and share that writing and less time to think about being or doing anything else.

The Scrap of Paper

It's just a scrap of paper. It's nothing.

It's just a mix of tree pulp made into paper

Wrapped around more paper

torn and then crumpled up in my hand

It's nothing. But on it is a reminder

Nothing but a still small voice

to remind you

Who you are and whose you are

Read it; for a moment remember

Close your eyes

Breathe in deeply a couple times

Imagine yourself wrapped in the One

The force of Love that is woven throughout creation

and is wound around your DNA

creating the amazing color,

the brilliant fragrance

the generous heart that is you

Remember who you are

The Great One whispers

You are mine and you are enough!

Amen.

©2008 Julie A. Bonde

 

The calm after the storm is gratitude sinking into your bones--Hallelujah

Sometimes a storm comes and hits
Before we have even a clue that it is brewing
Sometimes even when we see the huge wave coming
We cannot out run it in time to get away
And so it is with the emotions
Anger, sadness, frustration, fear,
Unpredictable and strong, they wash over us
Catching us up in the chaos and mess
We wonder how we could be so gullible
How we could get so carried away
What possessed us to let a  little storm get the better of us
But we are gullible, we do get carried away
Because we do care how things turn out
And so it is that the storm passes
A few branches knocked out of place
Perhaps some dents in the car
We walk around, amazed at the energy
The power that love can have over us
We are tired from being swirled around by the tides
And a deep sense of peaceful calm rises in us
We drink in the satisfaction of surviving
The beauty of life when the grime has been washed away
Then gratitude sinks into our very bones
Fills our every cell
And the next wave is Joy!
Hallelujah! Amen!

Panic

Here it comes again! that "life is short" slap,
That "What if" PANIC
Chest is tight. My stomach is tied in knots.
Heart won't stop pounding.
Body hurts, Soul is weary
I'm in panic mode....feel like I'm falling apart, feel like I have failed yet again.

How is it that I keep reaching out to love and end up hurting you and me?
How can I show you that when you stub your toe, mine aches?
That when you hide away, I suddenly am missing a piece of me?
I don't know what to do. I can't make the aching stop.
And if I don't make it stop,
I will be hurting you yet again as you feel my pain.
Oh the cruel joke of fear! None of it is based on truth and
yet we all believe it so readily.
I want to scream that LOVE can't be gotten rid of so easily.
I want to shout that I LOVE you with all my heart
Please don't leave just yet,

My hands are shaking; my resolve is too,
What happened to that warrior princess I was just
a day or two ago,
the one who conquered doubt with bold defiance?
the one who was sure she could handle anything?
My body falls limp with the thought
of the overwhelming list of what must be done
to be well, to recapture health and well-being
But life is to short not to try

I am pleading now with God
To let you be so happy that
Sorrow no longer touches you.
so that pain no longer lives in you
I am pleading for you life to be filled with beauty
I know it is a selfish plea
your happiness will increase mine
But I ask for it still

And I am pleading for my own well-being
Body is falling apart at the seams
Buttons flying and zippers getting stuck
Hurting from toe to crown
Hip is out, bursitis has set in, palms sweaty,
I'm pleading for skilled healers to come my way
for enough courage and strength to climb this mountain
for the jewels to be revealed in this darkness
Please catch me when I jump
Please hold me when I let go
Please give me one more chance
to breathe peace and beauty into the world

And then I let go, tears streaming down my face
and through the miracle of LOVE
your awkward faith catches me as I fall
My messy heart celebrates your light amidst the pain
Your tenderness and bravery in holding me
Lifting me up once again
As you and I each take the next step
On this journey we call LOVE.

(footnote: some days are just like this...Panic, Pain, and Peace all dancing together between your heart and mine, between Joy and Fear, because life is short.  And so it is...jules)

Beauty, Body and Being

Let the beauty you love be what you do. ~ Rumi

I was recently at a retreat center with a circle of women up north nestled in the wonderful Minnesota woods. This quote was on the chalkboard by the door to the dining room. It excites me, it soothes me, it celebrates me and it challenges me.

The topic of bodies also came up in a number of ways even though our intent for the weekend was quite spiritual in nature. It is inescapable that we are body, mind, and spirit...that we can't just be, that we must also do. It is inescapable that our body responds to our choices...sometimes with pain, sometimes with energy, sometimes with illness and fatigue.  In this culture the definition of the word beauty is tied so closely to our the word body but not all kinds of bodies...just one kind, that of a young slender female. So it is no surprise that in our one small group we had women struggling with body image, with health issues and with longing for touch. As the weekend went, the circle grew smaller because we kept moving closer to each other physically. we needed to be together, to feel the closeness of other. Lots of hugs were offered and received. Healing touch was given. Healing words were said. Love and beauty joined forces to bring laughter and joy. While we don't often talk about it, the experience of spirituality is experienced within these solid and sometimes flabby bodies of ours. The concept of Spirit or God is also experienced through beauty; the beauty we see around us in nature and the beauty we see of ourselves in one another.

So given all these definitions of beauty and body and spirituality, what does it mean to "let the beauty you love, be what you do?" Good question. It is a question that begets more questions. Where do I find beauty? What do I find beautiful? And what is that makes the passion for life rise up in me? How does that passion manifest itself in what I do or don't do? in what I say or don't say? And even if I can answer all these questions with certainty, do I have the courage to explore the frontiers of beauty and truth? Will my body have the strength to live into my glorious passion?

What about you? 

Perhaps we can hold hands, hold the mirror up for each other and wallow in the beauty of the Spirit together. Perhaps with your help, I will have the courage to let the beauty I love, be what I do.

hugs,

jules

Living in the Gap

 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.~ Romans 7:15

We are so quick to condemn this or exile that, to ostracize the breaker of promises, when the truth is that nothing in nature arrives as imagined. In fact,  because the space between what we intend and what we do is often great, we keep beginning. Because the gap between what we feel and what we say is often surprising, we keep trying. Because the field between what we experience and what we understand is so vast, we keep growing....We aim, mean well, and fall short, or wide or overreach what we set out to do. ~ Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

I'm living in the gap. That's me. I reach out with all my heart, try to love as I would be loved, live as much as I can into the gratitude of God's grace and still I fall flat on my nose or worse, bump right into you my dear friends causing you pain. And then in my shame, I pull back in and hope you don't notice how stupid that attempt at humanity was just now. And then in my desire to be authentic and true, I find myself confessing the sin with inadequate words and once again, I fall short of my own plans to be the best I can be. All the while, the truth is I will always be living in the gap between what I dream life can be and what it once was. I've come a long, got a long way to go...always.

On a long ago day, I had an experience that is a wonderful example of how messy caring for others can get. I was a young stay-at-home mom. I had four boys, ages 10, 7, 5 and 2; all athletic and active but wonderful children. That day I was upstairs cleaning while the boys were in the basement playing basketball. We had set up small basketball hoops as high as we could go in our 7ft ceiling clearance. They were just the right size for the boys using miniature basketballs. All was well until I heard this scream. I came around the corner to the top of the stairs just as my 7 year old got to the bottom of the stairs. He was holding his hand under his mouth as blood poured out. It looked intially like he had lost all his teeth. As it turned out he gone up for a reverse dunk and when he came down one of his new front teeth had gotten caught in the net. I panicked. I couldn't breathe. I felt so bad that I had not been able to prevent this from happening and that my son's mouth would now never have this beautiful tooth. I had all those feelings before I even went looking for the tooth. I called the dentist who helped me breathe and told me what to do. Miraculously we found the tooth, the dentist put it back in and it finished growing. Years of orthdontic treatment and my son, now 24, still has his own teeth and a beautiful smile to go with them. 

Several years ago, the subject of this event came up when we were talking. My son, in his youthful honesty said, "mom, that was one of the worst days for me...not because of my tooth. I don't even remember the pain but because you weren't there for me." Stunned, I realized he was right. Somewhere in that, even though I did what I thought was right, I let my own feelings, my own panic become more important than his feelings. I wasn't there for him even though I did everthing I could to be. Looking back, I see that this still sometimes happens with me. my gift of being able to empathize with others' feelings is also sometimes a curse clouding my ability to be fully present. I've beaten myself up plenty for this.

It happened again the other day. I was trying to be there for an important person in my life. I stepped up to the plate without hesitation. My heart was in before I had even a coherent thought. My brain followed and did its best to be reasonable guide. And suddenly my own sympathetic pain got in the way of me being fully present. I fell short, bumped my ego and hurt my friend as well. I don't regret reaching out but I do regret getting in the way. I still live in the gap between my reach and my grasp. All of us do.

But Mark Nepo offers the brighter side. due to the gap, I keep reaching and I do keep growing. And as I continue finding grace and forgiveness, I relax more and become more present, more authentic and less hard on myself as well as those around me. Due to the gap, I daily remember that all of us are all just doing our best to live and love, to grow and thrive, to make the world a better place. And though we fall short, our best efforts to reach out do help bring love and growth and healing into the world.

Later on in Romans 8:39 it says that "nothing can separate us from the Love of God." I am counting on that including the fact that I keep falling over my own efforts to love.

 

May you each know the Grace of God that is beyond understanding and still available to us all.

jules

gratitude

A life of gratitude is a life of abundance. "Count your blessings" is not just a platitude. Saying "thank you" is not just politics. We need to know gratitude in order to know joy, in order to know peace. I invite you to notice the grace in this moment. And I thank you for connecting with me in all the ways that you have.

in gratitude,

 jules

Blessing or Curse but always a Gift

"You're so social these days Jules. You didn't used to be." my good friend noted the other day on the phone as we talked about life. She was right. I have changed my mode of operation. What is odd is that both behaviors come from the same place in my heart, the same gift. This particular gift is my very strong desire to be in loving relationship with others...to share the love I know is ours, to love and be loved without judgment, with fear. This strong desire has led me to hide away and to boldly go where no one has gone before.

For years, I kept my guard for fear of rejection, for fear of mistake, for fear of abandonment. Surely if they really knew me, they would leave...was my early interpretation of relationship. There was a lot of leaving of people in my childhood. Then one day a few years ago (as in my mid 40's), after much whining and pouting about how no one ever invites me to things, no one ever calls me, I had a great epiphany! Hahaha, it makes me laugh now because this epiphany could have been said by any parent anywhere. Instead it came from within. Suddenly I knew this simple truth...I could stay at home and pout and cry about being lonely or I could call people up and arrange to be with them. I could let myself be loved wherever I could find love. And so the "change" that my friend was calling out began to occur. To many now I appear very social and no where near the "shy" label that I  grew up with. I love people! I don't like them all (indeed some are very irritating) but I love the adventure of meeting people and now that I have given myself permission to not wait for them to call me, I get to meet many, many more people than before. It brings so much pleasure to my life. A few have actually come to be those friends that I can count on to not leave. What a gift that is!

So right from the beginning, this gift of love and relationship brought with it curse and blessing. And now it seems I have solved it? WRONG! I still find my shadow self and my light self standing side by side on this issue. Our shoulders touch  just as physical shadow touches our feet. The light side of this endless bounty of love is always touching the dark side of this fear that I can never love enough or be good enough to be loved. On my good days, my lap is big enough to hold a dozen friends. On my bad days, I'm still hiding in my closet with the doors closed wondering if I'll ever get it right. How is it that someone who has come to enjoy companionship so much, who has so many wonderful people to cherish and admire, can still have moments when she feels so unlovable? It seems that no matter how "good"  or "light" we get, the mystery of our need for God's mysterious unconditional love is still blowing through our lungs. We can taste the rich chocolate dessert and appreciate its wonderful texture but we can't consume the whole thing and really take in the depth of this wonderful mystery of love. It is a blessing. It is a curse. And it is always a gift.. I pray that we can all stay open to it as we ride the waves of this love.

May you find your gifts to be gifts even on your cursing days! May you have many more blessing days than cursing days!

hugs,

jules

Giving this Moment My Life

After a long absence from my blog, I am finally back. The journey the first half of this year has been a long meandering path with lots of stops to nurse sprained ankles, exhausted dreams and broken hearts. Some years are like that. You do what you can to survive and try as you might, there just isn't enough time to do anything but take one step; today's step. Yesterday's steps have been taken, for better or worse. Our experiences and choices and DNA have brought us to another moment, this one.

I've come to really appreciate the grace of this moment. There is is so much gift right here, right now. Everything I need is here. Life, love, work, joy, possibility. For starters I'm alive. In spite of all the mistakes and hazards, in spite of all the reasons to not be, I'm alive. I breathe in the air of love and exhale the mystery; sharing it with those around me. I can feel my dog's heart beat, hear her snore, watch her gorgeous aging body give way to her love for me as she rests at my feet. I can taste the faint sweetness and relish the nourishment of a banana grown in some far away place and cradled carefully in trucks and crates until it reaches my lips. I can call a friend to offer my heart or wash dishes to take care of my piece or peace of earth. I can take a deep breath and listen once more to the old church lady's story or  answer the phone pleasantly at my desk, "good morning, this is Julie. how may I help you?" I can languish on the couch and listen to the city buzz or give my full breast to a song that is burning within me. No matter how much I've screwed up in the past, I have the option of doing all these things without a suitcase full of guilt. I'm forgiven. I'm human after all.

This tiny moment is so full of abundance and grace. In the closing lines of Mark Nepo's poem, "Accepting this" he offers the limits of this moment. "there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. accepting this, we can do anything and go everywhere." Wow! That's like finding an encyclopedia written on the head of pin. All of that possibility right here, right now, in this one step. We can choose to live healthier and longer, to let go of our old stories of shame and blame. We can let go of our need to apologize and just get on with it.

Personally, while I've been writing this blog, I've been considering letting myself off the hook and just living right into my dreams again. I've been considering more moments of love and less of guilt, more moments of music and less of whining, more laughter and less fear. I've been considering how lucky I am to be here.

The closing line in Mary Oliver's poem "The Summer Day" is "Tell me, what is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" With apologies to Ms. Oliver, I'd change that to the moment. How are you going to live into this one wild, abundant and delicious moment?" Hope from the past and dreams for tomorrow help to motivate and steer us but Life is only in this moment. Tell me, what abundance can you find in this mysterious moment? What life are you living now? What life do you choose this moment and this one and this one?

From the song "Moment" by Leahy.

And I'll run
To the light
Though I don't know what's coming before me
I'll be alright
Now I know
I'm alive
Oh my heart is wide open
I'm giving each moment my life

I'm holding this moment
I'm loving this moment
I'm giving this moment
The rest of my life

Keeping still long enough

Frenzy sometimes creates a necessity for discernment.

A hurried pace shakes up all the thoughts,
creating a muddy jumble of ideas, lists and places to be.
Prolonged busy-ness creates conflict of interest;
sometimes creating a haze around one's heart.
Our purpose and choice can be as clear as the ocean on a stormy day
or the river water churned up during a flood
full of mud and silt that we can not find the bottom or the top.

I've used this jar lesson before, a lesson borrowed from my favorite preacher, Pastor Stefan. You fill a jar with water and sand/dirt. You shake it up and then you set it down. The idea is to measure how long it takes for the water to become clear. The lesson is that it takes longer than you think. This particular jar took over a day to get all settled.

I think I get impatient waiting for the dust to settle and the water to become clear. As soon as things get a little clear i get hopeful and energized and begin to move fast again; jumping to conclusions. Soon I am right back to muddied waters again. Sometimes if I could just wait in silence a bit longer, the truth would be so much clearer.

Stillness is great but patience is needed too.

I'm thinking about words of wisdom from the Good Book again.

Be still and know.
Be still and wait on the Spirit of Love.

It reminds me of a song I used to sing as a kid (based on Isaiah)

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.
They shall mount up with Wings as Eagles.
They shall run and not be weary.
they shall walk and not faint
Teach me Lord, to wait.

So how do I want my life to be?
I'd like the clear clean water please.

Oh Spirit of Love, God of Peace

Teach me to wait in stillness.

may you each have a wonderful sabbath,

jules

Investing in My Future (Graduation 2010)

It's Sunday, June 6, 2010. The newspaper and the media remind us it's D-Day, a time to remember when courageous and determined Allied troops stormed the beaches and changed the direction of World War II, an echo that is still rippling through history. I confess, I take their contribution for granted.

I'm not from a military family. I'm from a missionary family; a different sort of soldier in the fight against what we perceive as the darkness. So today is special to me because I'm wallowing in the sunshine of a new day. Yesterday my youngest son, youngest child graduated from Patrick Henry High School. He's pictured here with two of his friends.

I'm extremely proud of all three of these boys. They've worked hard to overcome life's obstacles to get to graduation day. They each have a story to tell of loss and hardship. For one, his brother died of cancer when he was just 8 and his brother only 11. For another, his older brother dropped out of high school and his dad left. For the third, he's more or less raised himself without much parental support or guidance. They've each had the opportunity to use their lives as excuses to give up and not try. And yesterday they walked up on the stage and took their reward. I'm proud to know them and to have had them all spend time with us in our home. But there's more to this story than that.

D-day is day to remember that if we persevere and join forces we can change the tides and move mountains. One of those mountains that we've worked for generations to move in this country is prejudice. As I have gotten to know the friends of my three boys and watched them interact with one another in person and on Facebook, I have come to realize that the tide has turned. I am so excited to be seeing in my lifetime a movement from segregation to tolerance to celebration of differences. The three boys pictured above are friends, good friends and their circle is truly much bigger and much more diverse than the three of them. They don't just merely tolerate each other as different, they celebrate it. They don't avoid words like black or white or Asian, they use them with joy. They know the challenges are steep but they see each person in their circle as having the same potential to overcome those challenges. It is almost as if prejudice has been erased. My spine tingles at the thought that in my son's lifetime we will move from focusing on the haves and have-nots to celebrating that we are all one community. My son and his friends are just the sort of people to bring us back to a strong sense of community, a strong sense of family, albeit redefined, and a stronger, healthier nation.

While I'm at it, I can't resist putting in a plug for Patrick Henry High School in Minneapolis; a place that has created an atmosphere where everyone can excel and pursue passion; where everyone can feel they are part of community. For 11 years I've had my sons at Henry and in all those years, I've rarely heard talk of gangs and prejudice and bullying (although there has been some ). Mostly what I've heard is groaning over presentations to give, long papers to write and laughter as they all enjoy the company they find there. I'm grateful to Henry for providing excellent academics and citizenship. Bravo!

So now it's D-Day. It's time for us to once again join forces and invest in the future of these brilliant young people. Please take the time to get to know them. If you know one of them is struggling, help them find a way out of it. They are young and have many obstacles to overcome yet in their lives, but we can learn a lot from them about moving mountains of darkness and celebrating differences while teaching them what we know about growing older and wiser through grace and messiness. Invest in your future. Invest in my future. Get to know a young person and discover hope for the human race.

Peace,

jules

WHO IS HELPING WHOM?

Oh, I wish I was good at remembering names! Sigh! Today was a day for re-membering names. Today was a day for dragonflies whispering in my heart as they flew by. Today was a day to be re-minded, re-connected to the truth that we are all one.

This morning I had the privilege to join five other sweet voices and sing in the presence and with three, no four, very sweet ladies in a group home for the elderly. In spite of their inability to remember or have fluent conversation, their glowing eyes and loving energy added so much to the songs that hopped into our midst. As I sing in hospice choir, it continues to amaze me how much the "recipient" offers to the song. I am in awe of this holy experience where the song flows both ways even when only half of us have a voice. And as we sang, the faint whisper of angels began to be felt in my warmth. The angels are happy being with those sweet old ladies.Oh, how I wish I remembered their names...Audrey, Margaret, Millie and who?

This afternoon, I attended a funeral for a sweet person who left us, way too early it seems, through the hell of suicide. But the joy of the family in their brother and son reminded me that what I think is too early might be the best and perfect time for someone else. The faint flutter of dragonfly wings and angel songs could be heard in the background as family and friends danced with each other in a graceful dance of remembering and comforting. Aren't human beings wonderful?!

Tonight I went to sing with my hospice choir at Bethesda Hospital, a place where the sickest of the sick stay for weeks and months as they try to recover from looking at death's door and get back on their feet. Some eventually give up the fight and others stay the course and manage to get there. All touch us as we look in their tired eyes and sing our smallest and best bit of hope for tomorrow to them.  We truly believe that no matter which way they go, that our songs might offer the way to get there. But it is their presence with us, their acceptance of my voice, my song that seems more like the life-giving gift."Yes! This is why I am here," I think. And then I realize that I wouldn't think that if it wasn't for them. There are angels hovering 'round and there are angels lying in the beds sick and looking back at me with the most loving eyes.And I wish I could call them by name.

Who saves whom? who is the giver and who the receiver? Who is the healed and who the healer? By the time this day ended, I am struck by how often I set out to help or at least be in the presence of and end up leaving with a stronger heart and a healed pain.

Thank you to Audrey, Tim, Millie, Marilyn, John, Deb and everyone out there who offered their healing to me today. Thank you.

Breakfast of Champions--Spring 2010

I wake up to the smell of breakfast cooking
Lilac, crab apple, and deep pink blossoms
A glass of sunshine pouring through my window
Florescent green leaves dressing my plate
Squirrels chasing bunnies provide entertainment
All are seasoned by a shower of pollen
A feast of procreation, recreation and co-creation
I too feel ready to give birth
Life and inspiration growing within my heart
Through nine long months of autumn and winter
I'm ready to live into this new life
Pink tulips, purple vinca and green carpets of grass
Bursting forth from my soul
Feasting on this breakfast of champions
Ready to take on the day
Welcome spring and rebirth!

by Julie A. Bonde
May 1-2010

Living with an Open Heart, a Messy Life and Grace to overflowing

Born in Madagascar, I love the feeling of bare feet on sand, the salty smell of the ocean breeze & sun. I love children, 0 to 100. Singing & writing are how I learn, pray, meditate, heal and breathe. I treasure living in the Presence of the ONE.

I love organization and I hate maintenance. I alphabetize my spices, have my book shelves sorted by category but there are piles of papers stacked high in my home office. I can't remember the last time someone dusted the top of the windows and doors. The basement is filled with junk. The bad news is I'm always fighting myself. The good news is no matter which i'm leaning today, I'm always winning. (grin)

I’m often out of step with the rest of the world. I can’t remember what day it is, when the next prayer group meeting is or where I last put my keys. People are often canceling on me, walking away without explanation, or just dying on me. In the last month, I have had to battle kidney stone surgery, three canceled retreats, one canceled class that I was going to help teach and I lost a job I almost had.

Just as often everything in my world is synchronized. Like the other day, I found my missing shoe, two pairs of missing ear rings, and a missing and favored necklace. On that same day, I was sorting papers and found some of my dignity at the bottom of the pile. Then the phone rang and while talking to a friend I remembered my heart’s strength. Another phone conversation restored my faith in my vision and left me with peace of mind. Sometimes it rains and pours even as the sun is about to shine. Sometimes the mishaps are just part of the flow.

My heart beats wildly to love people. I try to remember that when I approach someone, I am approaching God in the flesh. I am often stunned and overwhelmed by the beauty I find as I look into the other person's eyes. My heart also beats wildly in fear of rejection. When they find who I am, will they run screaming in the other direction? Will they take all they can get and then wipe their feet on my heart as they walk away? There is no way to know and so I often take the chance to invite another into my humble abode-- old jeans, messy hair and all. But will I be able to protect myself from the pain?

So while I ache for those I have loved and lost, either to departure or death, I am also constantly being filled up with the joy of knowing such exquisite human beings. I grew up in a missionary boarding school far away from my parents and five siblings or any other blood relatives. But I have never been left without a family. My ever-growing family of heart now numbers in the hundreds and includes people of every gender, preference, religion, ethnic background and age. I am so blessed to be always wrapped in God's love and kindness.

Surviving and thriving could be enough and yet I am gifted with joy beyond that. I am so rich as to know deep, deep passion. I have music in my blood and people to share the songs with. I am lucky beyond measure to know a vision of how wonderful life is already and how much more gorgeous it could be. I have God and God's angels for my constant companions. I have God's word. I have the rainbow over my head, wings under my feet and the steady pulse of the earth's heart to hold me up. And deep within, where only God can see, there is a light that will never go out. It is the light that Christ held up for us and many others as well. It is the LOVE that is God's very essence.

So I say yes to living with an open heart and a messy life because within it all is LOVE and Grace to overflowing.


jules 3/27/2010

STONE FREE

The 2nd day after kidney stone surgery.

Wow! The connection of soul to body, of heart to mind is so much stronger than I thought.

The kidney stone surgery was a success. I feel different, truly different. Coincidentally, a brave truth was spoken in the same twenty-four hour period. Though it required courage and pain, removing the stone and standing in the truth, I already feel lighter, cleaner. It still hurts a little, stings here and there but it is a good pain, clean of the stones of grudges, fear, misunderstanding and grief. It is a clean cut ready to heal, already healing.

I wonder a little if I am too late. Has there already been permanent damage to my kidney? Has the long time of carrying the burden erased too much of the good that came before? but then I remember God's grace. I remember the creators words, "It is good. I have called you and you are mine. All things work together for good. Fear not, it is I. I am here with you always." I remember Jesus gift, his hand reaching down to me and whispering, "May i have this dance? Will you dance with me?"

YES is my answer.I will dance. And I will sing. I will shout. I will write of your kindness.

Dear surgeon who has reached in and grabbed the stone, I thank you.

Dear friend who has reached in and replaced the stone with truth I thank you.

and now will you all dance with me?  with us? Will you sing the song?

Will you live stone-free with me?

come! Let's do it!

Stones

Having been a month since my last entry, it is way past time for another. On this (March 9) eve of my kidney stone surgery I thought it appropriate to reflect on grace and messiness.

Stone deaf. I thought I was listening. In fact, I spent most of October, November and December of last year doing just that...listening. Listening for God's guidance, for the answers to a pretty messy situation with some freinds, listening to what the big silence has to tell me, listening to what my friends have to say. But all that time I was deaf to my own song, my own voice and the story my body was telling me. I wasn't listening to how my body and my heart and my voice are connected. It took me a long time to finally grow strong enough to really listen and honor my own soul as much as i was honoring everyone else. And still, where my body was concerned, I was stone deaf.

Stone blind. I didn't see this coming really at all. you'd think the pain would have been a clue but for a number a reasons it wasn't obvious to me that I was working up a sizable stone in my kidney. Oddly or perfectly on time perhaps, the idea that I might have a stone occurred to me just as everything else in my life was turning up sunshine. Just today I was talking with a friend and we were commenting on how profound M. Scott Peck was when he wrote his first line, "Life is difficult," in his book, "The Road Less Traveled." That says it all doesn't it? Life is difficult. I know this. I have a list of difficulties as long as anybody else. so why didn't i see this coming? Certainly one tragedy or hassle does not give you immunity to others. But I was stone blind.

But not stone cold. Of course Peck didn't have the whole truth in his one sentence. He was missing the other half of the story. He was missing that Life is sweet and delicate and beautiful. He was missing the grace. Stones can be stumbling obstacles or they can be markers. Yes, I was deaf and I was blind and I was stubborn. I stumbled right over my own feet and my sad heart and fell flat on my pride. but God reached down and pulled me up with one more song, three more friends and a whisper, "May I have this dance?"

It is fitting, I think, that tomorrow I will have help removing the stone that is blocking the flow from kidney and I will begin cleansing anew with a clear organ. Likewise, I am ready to remove the obstacles that stand in the way of me moving forward. I am ready to be cleansed of the baggage, the walls that separate and live again in the truth. I am ready to live clean again.

Thanks be to the Holy One for the chance to live again, for the invitation to get up off my backside and DANCE!

Sunlight and Shadows

"Sunlight and Shadows playing a game
They're playing games on my window pane."

These are the lyrics to an old, old song I used to hear in my childhood...not that I'm old, old but my parents were. So I just had this simple thought in my early morning dreaming today. As we walk this labyrinth of life's choices and experiences, we gradually learn to embrace both the darkness and the light. And then we begin to see the beautiful intricate designs and paintings that the sunlight and shadows have created on the path behind. I believe this is the amazing experience of being here on this planet...learning to embrace both light and darkness, learning to face the truth of it all, to forgive and to rejoice in the gift.

Peace to all; especially those with the courage to face the darkness within and see the truth!

Blessings on you,

jules

The Sense of the Creator

Had the creator meant for us to be always silent would we have been given ears to hear and a voice to speak? Had the creator meant for us to only see one dimension would we have been given such great depth of field and color in our vision. Had the creator meant for us to only eat gruel, would we have been given taste buds? Had the creator meant for us to not be able smell a baby or the difference between a rose petal and composting mud, would we have been given noses? Had the creator meant for us to be alone in solitude, would the touch of hand or the energizing laughter of a friend, or the shared tears of a sister make us feel so holy, so full of meaning, so full of joy?

Taste and eat, smell and breathe, listen and sing! Reach out and touch! And take note,  we were only given one nose, one mind, one heart, one mouth but we were given two eyes, two ears, two lungs and an entire body of limbs and skin to reach out and touch.

Use your gifts accordingly.
Let your sense of smell add wisdom to your choices.
Taste slowly, chew a lot, and swallow only once.
Breathe deeply. The heart beats on its own.
Listen twice. Look twice. Think first. Speak only once.
Always reach out.
Touch often.
Use your gifts accordingly.

NOTE: In discussing our bodies, i mean no disrespect to those whose abilities do not include full-body function.

I am

I
I am
I am one
I am one person
I am one person you see
I am you see
I am you
You see
I am you
I am
I

we're singing for you

we're singing the songs
speaking the poetry
and saying the prayers
we're blowing them with the spirit
which carries them like dandelions on wind
gently holding them
until they arrive at your door
and land softly on your
broken and ragged heart
peace friends
the song is being sung
the truth being spoken
love is being sent
peace

Prayerful Vibrations Coming Your Way !

I’ve been thinking about singing and prayer.

Ever since the dawn of humans, people have had this strange urge to connect with their creator, to discover this unexplainable connection we feel exists between us and the universe, between each other. And ever since we’ve had a clue what that is, we’ve been singing to worship, to express and to connect. Singing a prayer is one of the most natural things in the world. Every religion, every culture sings or creates music to worship and to pray.

But let’s take a moment to step back and study the situation for a moment. Let’s observe first what happens to the individual person when they sing and second what happens to the group when we sing together.

What happens when you sing? When you go from speaking to singing (whether you’re in tune or not), what happens to your body? You need more air right? You have to breathe differently. That brings up for me the question, why is air so important? What is happening to us when we are breathing?

When we breathe, we take in oxygen and let out carbon dioxide. Breathing keeps us alive. IT is our life. The words for breath and spirit are the same in Hebrew. In the creation story, God breathed life into Adam or to put it another way, God placed his spirit into Adam. Adam came alive. When we sing, we focus this breath in a different way and we take bigger and deeper breaths so we will have enough energy, enough life to produce this focused sound. Simultaneously, we also focus our awareness of self in particular direction so that we can create a sound that reflects what we want to express. Often our whole body moves. Singing and prayer are made for each other.

What happens to the group when we sing together? Why do we sing together in church?

We sing together mostly because it comes natural. Everything about singing together creates a stronger worshipping community and a stronger community in general. Think of what happens to a crowd of strangers at a sports event when they first go from just cheering to cheering the same thing and then move that into a fight song. The joined voices, the joined breath is actually joined spirit. Unity is formed and the crowd becomes a community. The song strengthens. Professional teams encourage this because the players can feel the difference when it happens. It is called “The home field advantage.” The same thing happens in worship. We raise our voices together and it strengthens the community, it unifies all in the spirit, the breath, the focus. But more than that happens. Together we create a song, a prayer, a sound that we cannot do alone. Our joined prayer creates a higher energy in the room and in the world. That energy brings life and healing and draws us together. And what is prayer but an intention to draw our energy and our will together with God’s?

So when we want to ask for healing or wholeness, we ask for the community to pray. When we want to connect with the Spirit we sing alone or together. The more voices we have, the more breath and spirit the song has. The more spirit, the greater chance there is that suffering turns to healing, fear turns to love and anger to forgiveness. The vibration that we create when we sing together is more than just a sound that surrounds us. It both enters our bodies and continues out past the walls and circle and keeps going and going. Sound travels where our bodies cannot. This is the miracle, the blessing of our prayer and our song.

Next time you are in a community for worship, think of this. Next time you want to create a stronger community, just bring a guitar or a CD player or just your voice and share a song. IT won’t matter if you speak the same language because the song will explain what words cannot. The same is true of our prayers when they are sung. And it won’t matter if your voice is in tune. The community will create a song together that no one could sing alone.

Whisper a prayer
Breathe a song into the air
Add your love to the atmosphere
It won’t cost you a dime
It won’t take much time
Give the world a break
Return the favor
Create love
All it takes is a whisper