we stood together watching the sunset

i came just to be in her presence

she goes so deep and reaches so high

her grooved wrinkles and 

widening torso show her age

and yet she stands there--

steady--faithful--with love

i know i can count on her to remind me

age doesn't change beauty

life is about being connected

joy comes
from letting the light come through

she is always so regal standing there

love grows between us each time we meet

and sunsets will shine forever

i hope there will always be

one more time to stand there 

up on the hill

with that grand old oak

Note: if you're feeling lonely, feeling blue or just feeling lost in wonder, wandering, find a tree. 

Blessings to all you tree lovers,
jules

Keep me from drowning!

 35 years ago, I left the island of Madagascar (my birthplace and childhood home) for the last time. I have never been back. I miss it so much.!

My dad died 25 years ago on August 4, 1986. Two months later I had my 2nd child, another beautiful boy! And then I had two more boys, 2 1/2 and 5 years later. My dad missed a lot! and I miss him still.

Almost 11 years ago, my son Hans died at age 11 1/2. He has missed a ton and we have missed him with grief as big as the Grand Canyon.

Four years ago, my mother died (21 years after dad). She had dementia the last 10 years of her life. She was unable to converse the last 5 years.  I started missing her before she was even gone. I still miss those wonderful conversations we would have.

In between, these huge losses and other smaller ones, I would have to say I have had soooo many reasons to rejoice in God's amazing and miraculous abundance. Friends show up mysteriously right when I need them most; people who should be dead aren't; health is restored after surgery or acupuncture; my sweet husband and I have been happily married for 30 years; my grown children all live within an hour of my house. I have so much to be grateful for.

But loneliness can hit you between the ribs faster than a professional boxer can sucker punch you. It comes washing over me like I am caught under the crash of the wave and just like some piece of drift wood, I am tossed and turned and stirred up until I land back on the beach. It is overwhelming how incredibly deep those lost relationships go, all the way to the center of the earth; the core of my soul. So even after all the healthiest grieving I could imagine, I am sometimes still caught by how alone each one of us is; how incredibly exhausting and sad it is to feel that in our bodies. It brings to mind the lyrics to a song my son Hans learned by heart when he was only 10...before he had a clue what would happen to him. 

These lyrics hit home for me at this moment as I, for the hundredth time, find myself churning under another wave of grief that for a second weighs on me and then releases me of the burden. I am very grateful that my young son left me with this reminder that others too know this feeling of being lost in the waves and exhaustion of the flood. When the song is over and the tears have passed, I am grateful for my very dear, friend who repeats my own words back to me; reminding me that the grieving also honors those deep, deep relationships that have meant and still mean so much to me.  We only weep over that which has found its way into our hearts.

So I offer these lyrics up to you dear reader and pray that they both honor your moment of sadness and fear and also offer the assurance that you are not alone in this. I am here too. Many are here ready to wrap their arms around and welcome you in.

“Flood” lyrics by Jars of Clay

Translation in progress. Please wait...

Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

Chorus:

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jars+of+clay/flood_20069959.html ]
Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

[Chorus]

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

[Chorus]

Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Watch the Flood video on YouTube

Sending you hope,

jules