Blessing or Curse but always a Gift

"You're so social these days Jules. You didn't used to be." my good friend noted the other day on the phone as we talked about life. She was right. I have changed my mode of operation. What is odd is that both behaviors come from the same place in my heart, the same gift. This particular gift is my very strong desire to be in loving relationship with others...to share the love I know is ours, to love and be loved without judgment, with fear. This strong desire has led me to hide away and to boldly go where no one has gone before.

For years, I kept my guard for fear of rejection, for fear of mistake, for fear of abandonment. Surely if they really knew me, they would leave...was my early interpretation of relationship. There was a lot of leaving of people in my childhood. Then one day a few years ago (as in my mid 40's), after much whining and pouting about how no one ever invites me to things, no one ever calls me, I had a great epiphany! Hahaha, it makes me laugh now because this epiphany could have been said by any parent anywhere. Instead it came from within. Suddenly I knew this simple truth...I could stay at home and pout and cry about being lonely or I could call people up and arrange to be with them. I could let myself be loved wherever I could find love. And so the "change" that my friend was calling out began to occur. To many now I appear very social and no where near the "shy" label that I  grew up with. I love people! I don't like them all (indeed some are very irritating) but I love the adventure of meeting people and now that I have given myself permission to not wait for them to call me, I get to meet many, many more people than before. It brings so much pleasure to my life. A few have actually come to be those friends that I can count on to not leave. What a gift that is!

So right from the beginning, this gift of love and relationship brought with it curse and blessing. And now it seems I have solved it? WRONG! I still find my shadow self and my light self standing side by side on this issue. Our shoulders touch  just as physical shadow touches our feet. The light side of this endless bounty of love is always touching the dark side of this fear that I can never love enough or be good enough to be loved. On my good days, my lap is big enough to hold a dozen friends. On my bad days, I'm still hiding in my closet with the doors closed wondering if I'll ever get it right. How is it that someone who has come to enjoy companionship so much, who has so many wonderful people to cherish and admire, can still have moments when she feels so unlovable? It seems that no matter how "good"  or "light" we get, the mystery of our need for God's mysterious unconditional love is still blowing through our lungs. We can taste the rich chocolate dessert and appreciate its wonderful texture but we can't consume the whole thing and really take in the depth of this wonderful mystery of love. It is a blessing. It is a curse. And it is always a gift.. I pray that we can all stay open to it as we ride the waves of this love.

May you find your gifts to be gifts even on your cursing days! May you have many more blessing days than cursing days!

hugs,

jules

Giving this Moment My Life

After a long absence from my blog, I am finally back. The journey the first half of this year has been a long meandering path with lots of stops to nurse sprained ankles, exhausted dreams and broken hearts. Some years are like that. You do what you can to survive and try as you might, there just isn't enough time to do anything but take one step; today's step. Yesterday's steps have been taken, for better or worse. Our experiences and choices and DNA have brought us to another moment, this one.

I've come to really appreciate the grace of this moment. There is is so much gift right here, right now. Everything I need is here. Life, love, work, joy, possibility. For starters I'm alive. In spite of all the mistakes and hazards, in spite of all the reasons to not be, I'm alive. I breathe in the air of love and exhale the mystery; sharing it with those around me. I can feel my dog's heart beat, hear her snore, watch her gorgeous aging body give way to her love for me as she rests at my feet. I can taste the faint sweetness and relish the nourishment of a banana grown in some far away place and cradled carefully in trucks and crates until it reaches my lips. I can call a friend to offer my heart or wash dishes to take care of my piece or peace of earth. I can take a deep breath and listen once more to the old church lady's story or  answer the phone pleasantly at my desk, "good morning, this is Julie. how may I help you?" I can languish on the couch and listen to the city buzz or give my full breast to a song that is burning within me. No matter how much I've screwed up in the past, I have the option of doing all these things without a suitcase full of guilt. I'm forgiven. I'm human after all.

This tiny moment is so full of abundance and grace. In the closing lines of Mark Nepo's poem, "Accepting this" he offers the limits of this moment. "there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. accepting this, we can do anything and go everywhere." Wow! That's like finding an encyclopedia written on the head of pin. All of that possibility right here, right now, in this one step. We can choose to live healthier and longer, to let go of our old stories of shame and blame. We can let go of our need to apologize and just get on with it.

Personally, while I've been writing this blog, I've been considering letting myself off the hook and just living right into my dreams again. I've been considering more moments of love and less of guilt, more moments of music and less of whining, more laughter and less fear. I've been considering how lucky I am to be here.

The closing line in Mary Oliver's poem "The Summer Day" is "Tell me, what is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" With apologies to Ms. Oliver, I'd change that to the moment. How are you going to live into this one wild, abundant and delicious moment?" Hope from the past and dreams for tomorrow help to motivate and steer us but Life is only in this moment. Tell me, what abundance can you find in this mysterious moment? What life are you living now? What life do you choose this moment and this one and this one?

From the song "Moment" by Leahy.

And I'll run
To the light
Though I don't know what's coming before me
I'll be alright
Now I know
I'm alive
Oh my heart is wide open
I'm giving each moment my life

I'm holding this moment
I'm loving this moment
I'm giving this moment
The rest of my life