Loneliness seeps into the cracks of my doubt on those days when the space between loving grace and generous giving are too wide. I fight loneliness with all my being. It is my weakness, my arthritis, my Achilles's tendon. On days when a cold indifferent shoulder is the nearest thing to human contact that I can find and I have not yet moved on to the next action of returned gratitude, that's when loneliness sneaks into my view eclipsing the sunshine of friendship and creativity that is ever shining around me.
I get lonely so easily; more easily in my fifties than ever before. The fact of people leaving is too real. I do my best to keep the goodbyes and hellos in balance but i'm not in control. Every goodbye, every hello is a relationship that takes at least two people to make happen. People leave for all kinds of reasons of their own; most of them not intended to hurt those left behind; death, cancer, dementia, new jobs, kids going off to their own lives, personal growth, life changes, accidents, disease, faith, school. My brain knows it is unreasonable to ask for an explanation from each person that leaves OR to be able to stay in relationship with everyone who has ever come my way. And yet, my heart seems to notice the separations on those days when I fall in the gap between love and grace. It's no one's fault. Life is goodbye, life is hello, life is goodbye again.
These lonely days start innocently with something like wanting to honor the anniversary of the death of my wonderful son Hans who died at age eleven of brain cancer (12 years ago now) and then suddenly the loneliness has spiraled out of control making me feel as if I will always be left behind. I hate it when that brief reminder of grief, in a sudden grandiose movement. captures in all the goodbyes I've ever experienced. That's just way too much and for a day it rips open all my reserves, flooding my Kleenex box with tears. Even in the middle of it I wonder if there is any sanity in grief, in loneliness.What am I to do? life will keep being goodbye and hello and the older i get, the more I will get to say goodbye. Sigh! What is a vulnerable heart to do?
Yesterday was such a day, a day to feel how alone it is to be human. I cried until I was exhausted. At the end of my day I was spent and giving up, hoping a night of sleep would bring me to new clear day. Just as I was on my last cry of the day two things happened. the first was that the phone rang; my sister called and recognizing my sorrow helped me to laugh again. The second was a whisper in my heart; a voice whispering "you are my beloved." Aaaaah! Balm for my tired heart!
And then one more sweet thing happened. A friend sent a message to remind me that we had plans today! So today I wake with a little grief hangover and a heaping dose of love filling my heart. I am living in grace once again.
Dear reader, If today is your day of feeling as if all is lost, that you are alone in your journey, I pray that when your grief is spent, you too will hear that precious voice whispering in your heart " you are my beloved." . I pray too that your phone will ring and call you back to your graceful life. I pray this with all my heart for I know you are as loved as me or as any of us. You are beloved!
sending hugs,
jules
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
EARTHQUAKES
There is a lot of shifting in my life right now; changes, new opportunities being presented, old habits fading away...my feet feel the tremors as I try to keep balance while the plates shift. It's like an occupational earthquake.
This came up in impromptu conversation yesterday as a few of my co-workers gathered in my office. There are eight employees at this little church I work at; six of us are being laid off and then two new positions will be created to replace those six. Pastor J. is the one who will be leaving us first so I was surprised when he said, "Earthquakes are good! They stop the earth from blowing itself up." He followed that with similar comments about how tornadoes help move topsoil and floods help create it. What we think of as disaster, is just the earth shaking things out and setting things right. It just is disaster to us because we build homes in the way of these things. We can't help it. And neither can the earth. It is alive after all and living things are always changing, going through the stages, following urges. So tension builds and it must be released or the earth will blow up. Even a tree, as it grows must break its outer bark in order to make room for the growth.
So I've been thinking about that; how earthquakes release tension that keeps the earth from blowing up.Over a long period of time there's been tension at this little church. They've had several pastors in a row and hired several new employees a few years back. Too many new people and ideas inside and around; the tension built even more. It was to bound to happen; the shift. they finally realized they couldn't afford this big staff. It was simply time for the plates beneath our feet to shift.
Change is bound to come. It seems we can't truly live and stay in one place unchanging. Change makes us feel uncomfortable. It brings the unfamiliar, the unknown and we all, in varying degrees, panic over the unknown. The tension builds as we make efforts to stop the change or adjust to it. And then it happens, we've reached the critical moment when the plates shift and suddenly things change even quicker. Often, in these situations, the end result is much more satisfying than we anticipated. Part of that is the release of the tension.
so I'm thinking I should just lean into the wobbliness and go with the shifting. It's just part of healthy life to have moments when everything shifts and moves. I do however look forward to when the dust settles and I can see what all this change has created and we can sweep away the dust and breathe easier.
This came up in impromptu conversation yesterday as a few of my co-workers gathered in my office. There are eight employees at this little church I work at; six of us are being laid off and then two new positions will be created to replace those six. Pastor J. is the one who will be leaving us first so I was surprised when he said, "Earthquakes are good! They stop the earth from blowing itself up." He followed that with similar comments about how tornadoes help move topsoil and floods help create it. What we think of as disaster, is just the earth shaking things out and setting things right. It just is disaster to us because we build homes in the way of these things. We can't help it. And neither can the earth. It is alive after all and living things are always changing, going through the stages, following urges. So tension builds and it must be released or the earth will blow up. Even a tree, as it grows must break its outer bark in order to make room for the growth.
So I've been thinking about that; how earthquakes release tension that keeps the earth from blowing up.Over a long period of time there's been tension at this little church. They've had several pastors in a row and hired several new employees a few years back. Too many new people and ideas inside and around; the tension built even more. It was to bound to happen; the shift. they finally realized they couldn't afford this big staff. It was simply time for the plates beneath our feet to shift.
Change is bound to come. It seems we can't truly live and stay in one place unchanging. Change makes us feel uncomfortable. It brings the unfamiliar, the unknown and we all, in varying degrees, panic over the unknown. The tension builds as we make efforts to stop the change or adjust to it. And then it happens, we've reached the critical moment when the plates shift and suddenly things change even quicker. Often, in these situations, the end result is much more satisfying than we anticipated. Part of that is the release of the tension.
so I'm thinking I should just lean into the wobbliness and go with the shifting. It's just part of healthy life to have moments when everything shifts and moves. I do however look forward to when the dust settles and I can see what all this change has created and we can sweep away the dust and breathe easier.
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