a beautiful mistake

I can see her smile still, with the gentlest twinkling eyes behind it, long blonde hair and cute pink dress. Her natural ease as she sat down made me think she was much older than her 8 years. This little angel sat next to me and we became sweet friends but none of it would have happened if I hadn't goofed.

As I was boarding my plane yesterday, I was talking on the phone with a friend. I knew my seat number and when I saw it, I stopped and threw my backpack in an overhead bin and crawled into my seat, barely missing a beat in the conversation with friend on the phone. We talked for a bit and just as we were saying goodbye, this little girl crawled in and sat next to me in the middle seat. Her mother was in the seat in front of her. I had seen them in the terminal. They were flying on standby and took the seats that were available to them. The little girl's sister was in a seat across the aisle.

As she sat down, I greeted my travel mate with an enthusiastic "hi...how lucky am i to have you sit next to me." She smiled back sweetly and innocently. After she settled, we began talking. About 5 minutes later, a man came along asking if my seat was 41F.  I said "no, my seat is 42F," and then realized I was in the wrong seat. Fortunately he was nice enough to let me stay. He sat in 42F. And I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to leave my new friend.

We didn't exchange names at first. We started with bigger stuff, like where we traveling, what our favorite school subjects were and things like that. I had heard most of her life story before I even knew her name. Turns out she'd been on a plane about every 2 months since she'd been born. Her dad was a pilot and her mom a flight attendant. That's how they had met. They married shortly before she was born. They had lived several places, had family around the country and traveled a lot. We talked about how her little sister was kind of  "stealing" her friends and how she was going on a trip to Florida with her best friend while her sister would be going to Hawaii with two of her other friends. I was just amazed at how eloquently she shared her story.

She told me how at first she loved flying, especially because she would get car sick. Flying was easier and not so hard. that is, until a couple of months ago. They were flying threw a storm and for about 15 minutes, it was pretty bumpy ride. Since then, flying is rather terrifying for her. Here she is telling me all this and i'm thinking she's the calmest, most mature little 8-year-old I ever met. I'm thinking she does not look scared. Her eyes keep telling me all is well and that I am a welcome guest.

I took my zentangle kit and started drawing. She enjoyed watching me and we talked about how she liked art. She was very encouraging of my efforts to draw. Later, when I was writing on my computer, she took out her colored pencils and I watcher her. It was my turn to be impressed. When the drink cart came by she refused to have a treat, explaining that she had spilled the drink all over herself once and didn't want that to happen again. Eight years old and already she's make some pretty detailed decisions about her life based on mistakes and mishaps.

I did eventually speak with her mom a little. And we all held hands as we dove through the clouds to our landing. It was the first time I saw how scared she really was. "Laura" was grateful and so was her mom as was I. The four hour flight zipped by and I felt light and easy as I disembarked. I saw them one more time in the terminal as they caught up with Grandma who was waiting for them. It is my prayer that they will have many, many safe and joyful travels in their future.

I still can't believe my luck in having Laura sit next to me and all of it because I made a mistake and sat in the wrong seat.

LIFE IS JUST MESSY

This idea that if we are on the right track, all things align and if we are on the wrong track, all things are bumpy is a myth. Bad things happen to bad people and to good people.. Life is just messy. I am no more immune from these mishaps than you. What we perceive as good things happening, also seems to be sometimes random and sometimes purposeful.

Breathe easy my friend. We are all in this mess together. The magic is not in the success or failure but in the way LOVE flows through us, bringing healing in every situation, bringing wholeness and connection. The magic is not that I didn't get ill this winter but that through the illness my heart was drawn to tenderness and trust and love once again. The miracle is that when I needed it, my body told me to rest and I listened.

I don't mean to keep repeating myself about my experience with Hans but I learned a lot from that day in 1999 when the radiologist told me my 10-year-old son had a brain tumor. Up to that point, I had all the ingredients of a "successful" and "blessed" life--happy marriage to my best friend, wonderful healthy children, enough money to allow me to stay home with them, an active church community, good schools, and good friends and nearby family. I thought I had it made. Does the cancer and all the fall-out from it mean that I was on the wrong track? Does the fact that my son died, 16 months later, mean that my prayers weren't heard? and the list of questions goes on.

This is an extreme example and that's why I bring it up. When I look back on my son's life and death and all that has transpired since, all I feel is love and gratitude. Would I take my son back in heartbeat? YES. Would I trade places with him? YES> Would I trade my heart back to that woman i was before he he got cancer? NO. LOVE prevailed even if luck did not. Certainly then, Love can overcome my error on those days when it seems like all I do is folly and the entire universe seems to be calling me a "loser!"

I believe in a force more powerful than any mistake I can make or evil that can fall upon me. I believe in God's creative and redeeming LOVE, a force so amazing that it even touches the crazy and tangled Jules...me!

Sending you love and grace,

jules

Thru the Lens to the Heart--May 4, 2015

A Spring walk around Como Lake in St. Paul, MN.

Photos by Julie Bonde

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