CHRISTMAS THANKSGIVING

MORNING—THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE
The sun rises, peeking through clouds, over a quiet neighborhood in a big city. Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music fills my heart and the kitchen. The music connects me to my childhood Christmases, to the music that has filled me each and every year since my first Christmas so many years ago. As the music booms, we cook eggs, cut fruit and make tea for our breakfast. The sun has made it over the roofs of the houses and bursts through our windows. African violets and poinsettia beam with joyful color. We eat in silence, reading the paper, doing sudoku or just listening. It is not an enforced silence but a natural one. No words are needed right now. Silent Night, delicious eggs and the sun streaking across the table are enough for this moment.

 

WHAT IF?

Soon the moment will be over and we’ll be in our Christmas party-prep mode. This year, as we put up decorations, bought presents for loved ones and talked with our family about plans, I found myself wishing this is how we approached more of our lives. What if instead of just once a year, we quarterly or monthly spent a day displaying beauty, listening to or singing great music and cherishing moments with our loved ones? What if? What if it didn’t need to be a date on the calendar or snow or the perfect tree? What if we just found uncelebrated days to be just as lovely, just as full of desire to bring joy to one another? What if? What if, more often, we asked others what they want and then did what we could to help them get that? What if?

 

CHRISTMAS THANKSGIVING

I am so grateful for this cherished moment—for the music, for the food, for the sun, for my sons nearby to plan the party with, for my best friend and partner Pete, to share this messy and glorious life with. What if I dropped the worry about getting the perfect gifts and the right food and just carried the gratitude instead? Perhaps the gratitude will be the best gift I give this year. Perhaps.

 

THANK YOU!

I will begin with you. I am so grateful for you in my world dear reader and friend. I couldn’t be here writing this without you. I couldn’t share it without you to receive it. You make ALL the difference in the world. Your presence in my life is cherished.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 

With all my heart,

Jules

 

December 23, 2021

 

Happy Solstice!

 

Long, dark nights come. It is true.

There is barely time to catch a ray of sun before the day is over.

Long, dark times come in life too.

There is barely a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

Good news is all but eclipsed by the burdens of life.

Sometimes it seems as if the clouds will never move away.

Even so, the light seems to burn brighter in the darkness

the warmth of love seems more determined than ever

The earth keeps turning, hearts keep beating,

Music keeps humming in my dreams

Then one day it is clear we have crossed that threshold

and we're headed back to lighter days

the darkness goes back to its cave

I pray that on this longest night of the year

you can feel the music that connects you

the hearts that love you

the hope that burns on

and a glimpse of the joy

that will grow from this moment

 

(written by Jules December 20, 2019)

 

Happy Solstice dear friends!

 

Love, jules

WINGS and SELF CARE

 October 26, 2021

One of the ways I practice self-care is I take pictures. What? yes, it is self-care. Taking my camera with me helps me see the beauty, reminds me to look at what is right there around me. I take too many photos but I don't care. Taking the photos makes me so happy, it is worth every one of them. It just fills me with gratitude to see the beauty in the world.

In July we were staying in a cabin on an island in a lake with our kids and grands for a week. One morning, my husband and I were out in the kayaks and we found these turkey vultures perched in the upper branches of the island apparently drying their wings. I was stunned by the honor to see it. What fun to have my camera with me so I could capture it and then today finally get around to sharing it with you. What beautiful creatures turkey vultures are! and oh how they can soar! 

Wings are for flying and for soaring. And our wings need care. I wonder if I do what is necessary to keep my wings ready to fly, not real ones of course but the wings of my heart and soul. What self care might be needed to make sure I am ready for flight? What daily routines might create a better environment for me to soar? 

Perhaps, just taking the photograph is a good start? Perhaps.

I invite you to let yourself enjoy the beauty that you see and then let that lift your heart to soaring. Or to do something else that lifts your heart. Let's fly!

Let's enjoy the moment while we can!

praying for more self-care and wings! Love, Jules  

KNEE UPDATE:

 October 6, 2021

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KNEE?: On Saturday, September 18, Pete and I were cleaning house, preparing for a party at our house the next day. Pete was vacuuming the bathroom. I was rushing about hiding clutter. In my effort to be quick, I stopped paying attention to my feet and tripped over the vacuum cleaner power cord, falling hard on my knees on the wood floor of our music room.

My right knee took the brunt of the fall. We went to the emergency room that night and 5 hours later had only the news from them that they "saw no breaks" on the x-ray. They sent me home with a knee brace and encouragement to stay off it until it felt better. Well it didn't feel better. The pain kept waking me up at night. so I went to urgent care the following  Thursday and got referred from there to an orthopedist.

TO UPDATE ON THE KNEE INJURY: I saw the orthepedist on Wednesday, September 29th. He did a quick exam and sent me off for more xrays. And sure enough, there actually was a crack. I have a longitudinal fracture in my knee cap. That explained the pain I had been having. In a way it was great news to me. I had been imagining a torn ligament somewhere that might put me in surgery. Instead, all I have is a fracture that will heal, likely in 4 to 6 weeks time. I am able to use it and even bear weight as I feel comfortable.

My knee has been improving daily. I no longer need crutches  but I still wear a brace most of the time. On Monday, i walked around the block with Pete hanging on to me. It felt good. Yesterday I walked around 2 blocks. It felt okay. I am on the path to healing and am certain all will be well with my knee eventually.

Unfortunately, my upper back hurts and has been bothering me for awhile. that may also be a side effect of falling and maybe it too, will improve with time. Prayers for that.

SIDE EFFECTS UPDATE: my lymphedema is still there a bit but hasn't flared up in a long time. I am happy with that. my neuropathy in my feet and fingertips continues. Nothing I have tried seems to make any different ot the neuropathy. Sigh. More prayers for that.

Sigh! I miss my feet. I'm a barefoot girl from the beginning. I love being able to feel with my feet and now half that is missing and i can't be barefoot so much. I miss my feet so much.

And then there's my knees. I'm learning my knees are about more than kneeling or walking stairs. The knee is one of the main centers of our movement. All the tendons and muscles and bones connect right there. The knee is the heart of the leg. If it is in pain, we don't move so well, we wonder how to take the path. I am grateful for all my knees are able to bear and able to provide for me.

COUNT OFF TO TWENTY

(based on the childhood rhyme)

one, two, buckle my shoe,

three, four, get out the door,

five, six, take pics,

seven, eight, lose some weight,

nine, ten, gain it back again,

eleven, twelve, forgive myself,

thirteen, fourteen, what is most important?

fifteen, sixteen, can I do anything?

seventeen, eighteen, ---maybe need some caffeine

nineteen twenty, thoughts aplenty!!! 

Happy end of summer everyone!

August 31, 2021 (version 2)
Julie (jules) Bonde

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!

September 1, 2021

Deep breath! September is here!

Just now, I was perusing Facebook, glancing at photos and reading here and there of people's tenderness or glory or adventure. And it just hit me, that even in the midst of chaos (and there is definitely plenty of chaose right now), even in the midst of so many reasons to grieve and struggle, even in the midst of a Facebook full of ridiculousness, there is wonder and mystery. There are people living into their authenticity and truth. There are people connecting with the beauty within and around them. There are people reaching out to support one another and the world and nature. Even in the midst of the crazinesss and busyness, there are lovely little blossoms growing out of the chaos and lighting up the horizon of my day.

Thank you each for taking a moment to share yourself here or elsewhere. thank you for taking a moment to be supportive or creative . Thank you for offering your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for the songs and poems and stories and photos. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being you.
Thank you!

I hope to be sharing more with you in the near future. I am putting that intention out there.

Deep breath! September is here!

A Calm Sweet Morning Paddle

Thursday, July 1, 2021

A Calm Sweet Morning Paddle

After a year of treating my breast cancer, we finally dipped our paddles in the water once again. We started small at little Lake Josephine in Roseville. The water was calm and morning was cool. We skipped breakfast so we could get in on the cool of the day. After a year, of not much exercise, I expected my arms to complain about paddling but I was able to handle a good half hour on the water without any issues. AS the slideshow below reveals, I love paddling under and around the trees that over hang the water or have fallen into it. I get to play peekaboo with Pete and the water and sky as I go under the leaves. It makes me feel like I'm floating through the tree which is a bit magical. A calm quiet morning paddle is always good for my soul. I look forward to more. I did not bring my camera as I used to do because my little pocket camera is no longer operational and i wasn't ready to take photos with my bigger camera in the kayak. So these photos were taken on my cell phone but they do give you a bit of an idea of my adventure and I wanted to share it with you.

Massaging the Poison Away

Losing My Cool in the Heat of the Day

Letting the Water Ease my Heart

Back at home, LIFE!!!

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

The Last Day

Yesterday was the last day. I took my last chemotherapy pill at dinner last night. No party, no fireworks, just one last swallow and then just after I set my glass down, I got a “Wahoo!” text my from my daughter-in-law. That encouraged a few calls and words of celebration and breathing with a few family and friends. Even in this, I am supported. Thank you!

It was a big day for me. It still seems a bit surreal. Really? Am I really done? There are no more scans and biopsies scheduled. I won’t see my oncologist again until September 15^th. (for the record, my particular kind of breast cancer does not have any blood markers…so the only way to tell if there is more cancer is scans and biopsies, of which I’ve had plenty). I’m still wrapping my brain around the idea that I might get to move on. Really? Meanwhile part of me is hopeful that I might actually get to make progress on my side effects as my body detoxes from the poison we know as chemo.

The First Day

Back in the day, it was a popular saying “today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Today that saying is just true for me. I feel like I’m starting over again, praying for guidance, for health, for presence of mind and heart to live fully and deeply. It is all that matters at this moment, to live fully and deeply and show up for myself and for others, the best I know how. There is still a lot of healing to do. There is a lot of work yet to do,  a LOT of work to do but starting today, I have been the gift of another day to do it in.

I look forward to leaning more into my passions again. I look forward to being with Pete and our kids and grandkids for a week up at a cabin up north later this month. I look forward to many more quiet mornings sitting on the patio, listening to the birds sing while I sip my tea or do a sudoku or the crossword puzzle. I love waking up early for a quiet morning! I look forward to singing again more, now that we can, with all the lovely voices I’ve come to adore in the groups I sing with. I look forward to connecting with friends, as we are able and enjoying those magical moments when we just know that we are connected, that we are one, that this world is one with us. I look forward to more deep conversations about love and God with book groups and in spiritual direction and with family/friends.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m going to start by giving thanks and listening for my heart. I’m going to start by saying Thank you! And then having a few tears to honor this moment when I get to move on.

Peace be with you dear friends! Love be with you dear family!

Love, Jules

Thanks to Rena Lindgren for the photo of me walking through the stone threshold from our trip in 2015 to Pipestone National Monument.

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER SUNSET

June 24, 2021 with photos of tonight's sunset and moonrise!

A year ago today, I had my first intravenous chemotherapy treatment. That was the first day of many as I had 5 1/2 months of two different chemotherapy treatments. Then a lumpectomy. then radiation and then a chemotherapy pill. Plus a lot of side effect issues. 

On Tuesday, June 29th, I will be done with that nasty chemo pill and with treatment. After Tuesday i can  focus on detoxing and doing what I can to help heal up all the side effects; especially the neuropathy. It will be a long road still, I suspect. 

Even so, today is a good day. This morning our dear Thursday book group had a social time, our first in-person gathering in over a year. What a treat to see and touch and hear each other in person! Then this evening, we went swimming with Jacob & Karl and their families. After swimming we were able to make it to cemetery hill just in time to see the last of the sunset and the full moon, aka the pink super moon. It was a glorious end to this beautiful day and this quiet little anniversary of my journey.

In many ways it is just another day and just another year and just another sunset. And in many ways, it is unique and special. Each day is unique, each sunset is unique and you never know what will happen in the lake or on the playground when Grandpa Pete and Solveig and WEndell and Sophie take off on their pirate ship. 

I do know this, I have all of you to thank. Thanks to my adorable, faithful and clever husband for holding me up and putting up with me this last year. thanks to my adorable children and grandchildren for being my Covid pod. Thanks to my book group who agreed to meet me online all through 2020 and into 2021.Thanks to my Tuesday writing group for the same weekly commitment all through the pandemic. Thanks to my students for allowing me to guide them. Thanks to my church community for providing so much connection online so that we felt connected. Thanks to everyone for all the prayers. Thanks to my amazing friends who held me up in their hearts and let me be me in the midst of it all. And on and on the gratitude goes. I couldn't have done it with out all of you. You are my life lines.

And I couldn't have done it without the sunset and the moon rise and the beauty of this world. I am so grateful for all of this and look forward to more years of beauty and wonder with you all.

Thanks be to God! Amen!
love you big,

Jules

Here is tonight's sunset and moon rise! Enjoy!

CANCER UPDATE: Scans and good news and daisies!

Hi sweeties, my dear ones,

I have had trouble writing a health update of late. As soon as I start to write, I get distracted and by the time I get back, I'm in a whole different place and need to start over. So I'm going to try in one sitting to give you an update as short as possible. (and that did not happen--it is now several days later already.)

Here is a "quick" summary of the last month or so.

April 26--after going to the ER I was diagnosed with cellulitis and put on 10 days of antibiotics. My main symptom was a swollen breast...with some pain but no fever or sickness. Initially the fluid and swelling in the breast went down.

May 7--In June of 2020, when I was being diagnosed with breast cancer they also saw a couple of nodules on my lung. So May 7th, I had a follow up Chest CT Scan. The nodules were "stable" so that was good but the radiologist some somthing "else" on my thoracic spine. They wondered if it might be cancer so they scheduled an MRI.

Tuesday, May 18--I was awakened at 5am with pain under my left arm and some in my breast. The fluid and swelling had gone up again. So I called my oncology nurse for help. She did 2 things--upgraded my virtual appointment to an in person appointment with my nurse practitioner and she referred me to a lymphedema therapist. I was so grateful I had called.

Wednesday, May 19--I had my blood levels checked. All were good. No indication there of any infection. All good news!

Thursday, May 20--I saw the nurse practiioner. After examing me, he said quite empahtically "I am quite sure this all from your surgery and radiation. sometimes people get the fluid even 3 years later." but just to be sure, he set me up with a diagnostic mammogram. I went home encouraged that someone (besides me) had examined me and concluded that my experience was within the normal range of experience. This was good news to me! 

Friday May 21--8:30 am. I had the MRI on my spine....they were looking for what they thought might be a cancer spot that had showed up in the previous CT scan. They found no evidence of cancer, just an old injury which made sense since I had fallen on the steps last july and landed on my tail bone. So nothing new to worry about there. GOOD NEWS!

Friday, May 21--1:15 pm I had my initial session with the lymphedema therapist. she gave me massage on my lymph nodes and exericises to do to help my lymph nodes keep working better.  I think it is helping some. I'm not good at regular exercise but I'm motivated. It is good news that I have something to do to help myself that isn't taking more drugs. YAY!

Massage: In addition, I am having a weekly massage with Janet Midthun. Cooincidentally she also knows how to do the lymphedema work and I think that helps me too. So grateful for Janet and her availability to me! more good news.

Chiropractor: I also see the chiropractor every 2 weeks to keep my spine aligned and neck too.

THURSDAY, MAY 27TH--AN ANNIVERSARY--last year on this day I found a lump in my breast, just two days after George Flloyd's murder. What a year! I'm happy to still be in it! still here!

May 27--  I had my diagnositc mammogram. It was 98% possitive. the radialogist was 98% sure that the little spot they did find was nothing but to be sure he scheduled me for a needle biopsy. Sigh! Another test and more looking for cancer.

June 1st--11am, I had my needle biopsy. The nurses and the radiologist were super nice to me and it only took a half hour! In spite of the test, this was a good day for me! I was so grateful for the people who keep doing this work and do it well.

June 2nd--2 pm, a nurse at the Breast Center called to tell me that my test results were in. NO CANCER! So I asked her about the fluid in my breast and she said it might take months for it to go away. Okay...good to have that clarified again. While I was still talking to her, Goran, the nurse practioner called to tell me the good news too. I got a kick out of how they both called me immediately after getting the report. Goran, said all that showed was dense breast tissue with some bits of calcification. He said I should keep doing the lymphedema and massage and that both of those things would help. GOOD NEWS! I shed some tears of gratitude and relief. Nothing new to worry about! 

Xeloda....June 25 is my last scheduled dose of this chemotherapy pill. Hopefully my oncologist doesn't have anything else to give me. My body and my heart are so ready to be done with chemo. Whew!

Daisies and songs...haha..this is basically an excuse to share my daisies with you. One of my deep joys in life has been daisies, their simplicity and their stunning beauty. Daisies are good news too, along with the fact that I had my lovely Morningstar Singers over on Tuesday night for our first in-person singing in over a year! Good news indeed!

It's been a long taxing year. Please keep praying that my neuropathy heals. I am ready to get my life back, even if it is a different life than before.

Thank you all for your deep support of me over this last year, for listening to me ramble, for allowing me to not always be the cancer girl, for loving me as I am.

I am so grateful and wouldn't have made it through the year without you.

Love you big,

You are good news!

Jules

LAMENTING A YEAR

PREFACE: A little history... March 13, 2020 Governor Walz shut down Minnesota in precaution of the spread of COVID-19. March 12, 2020, we cancelled our annual Dragonfly Project Celebration Event. A week before I had set up my 2nd photo gallery show. That too was shut down. May 27, 2020, two days after George Floyd was killed before our eyes, I found a lump in my breast and have been treating for breast cancer ever since. Now it is a year later. And this is my lament...

MY LAMENT A YEAR LATER---APRIL 27, 2020

Okay, so I get breast cancer.
Why should I be exempt?
I can think of no reason why.
It is not the worst but still it is serious.
And it’s still not fair.
My whole life is about cancer now.
CANCER RULES

But that’s not enough
George Floyd is murdered before our eyes
In a very violent way with no regret from the police officer who killed him.
A few days later violent crowds burned the city
VIOLENCE RULES

But that’s not enough
A virus, a teeny, tiny little bug
Takes over the world with the biggest pandemic ever

And it kills millions
COVID RULES

But that’s not enough
The pandemic separation is a pandemic itself

It separates us from our friends,
From our hopes and dreams
From our practices of community
From our lives, from our work
SEPARATION RULES

But that’s not enough
Our government, our democracy
Is barely surviving, living on Fear
Afraid of losing
Afraid of control, afraid of no control
Afraid of each other
Afraid of ourselves and the darkness
FEAR RULES

But that’s not enough
Black men keep getting murdered
Police keep getting blamed for what belongs to everyone
Always we are blaming the other

Elders are dying alone

Half a million have died of COVID
Mother’s keep weeping in their sleep for lost children
Father’s keep gnashing their teeth in the night for lost opportunities
Brothers and sisters stare out into the empty sky looking for a star to wish on
Friends continue to be far away, each of us lost in our own loss
GRIEF RULES

But that’s not enough
I had to lose my feet and hands to neuropathy
Hand/foot syndrome
Numbness, and pain
And now cellulitis, swelling and pain
Really? Wasn’t it enough already?
CANCER STILL RULES even after it is gone

This is my lament
CANCER RULES
VIOLENCE RULES
COVID RULES
SEPARATION RULES
FEAR RULES
GRIEF RULES
 
How long or Lord how long?
How long?
How long until we let go of these lies?
How long until we see that it is LOVE, LOVE THAT PREVAILS?
That we begin with kindness and find light and love?
How long until we see through the mess to you?

How long until we see the SACRED in everything and everyone and are no longer SCARED?

~Jules Bonde, April 27, 2021

BREAST CANCER UPDATE: Xeloda Round #3

DAY 1 OF ROUND 3 OUT 6 OF TAKING XELODA

The pattern to taking Xeloda has been taking four 500mg pills twice a day for 14 days, then 7 days off. So I just finished my “week off” and am starting on Round 3 of this pattern with one exception. My dose is now three 500mg pills twice a day instead of four.

One of the most common side effects of Xeloda is something called “hand/foot syndrome.” Hand-foot syndrome causes redness, swelling, and pain on the palms of the hands and/or the soles of the feet. Blisters are possible Just to be clear, this is not the same as peripheral neuropathy which is damage to the nerves of your hands and feet.

I already had neuropathy from having Taxol infusions last year. That neuropathy has not gone away and is aggravated by this new side effect of hand/foot syndrome. So now I have a combination of numbness, tingling, redness, and pain on both the soles of my feet and my fingers. In one case I did get blister on my foot. By the end of the second two weeks of taking the Xeloda my hands and feet were pretty sore.

Tylenol takes some of the edge off. I use a lot of lotions and ointments and wear socks and gloves to protect them. My body has clearly liked this last “week off.” Both my feet and hands recovered some. It is a strange thing to experience this.  It is very hard to describe the sensations when there is a combination of numbness and pain. I have moments when I despair and grieve for the loss of my amazing healthy feet. Other times I find myself wallowing in deep gratitude for being able to still walk, to still type, however clumsily, to still be able to sing, to still be connected to friends and a delicious family. And I continue to be in awe of how magnificently our bodies are made, that even with all this stress, all these chemicals, the body continues to work on healing and making way for the sun and moon to shine within, the joy and sorrow to bring their colors. What a magnificent body it is; even as it is struggling or even more so as it struggles. Wow!

So, after letting my doctor know how things were going, she lowered my dosage for this next round. I pray that the side effects will be less severe this time around. If all goes well and I can hang in there for all 6 rounds of this, my last dose will be June 25, exactly a year after my first chemotherapy infusion in 2020. Please pray with me that this is the end of treatments and the end of any and all cancer in my body.

OTHER THINGS ARE HAPPENING

Meantime, other life is happening. Pete is project manager in replacing our old garage with a new one. The foundation for the new garage was poured on Good Friday which seems like a nice coincidence. In this Easter/Spring season, the garage will be coming to life also. Managing the project has taking a lot of Pete’s energy and I am extremely grateful I don’t need to do much. We have a friend of Pete’s sister Karen helping with the building of the shell. Pete & other Bonde members or friends will be putting on the siding and roof shingles and installing the electricity. I’m not sure how much Mr. Pete has time for his garden but I’m sure something will grow there anyway. Like our bodies, plants are also tenacious beings. 

Meantime, we also pray for our city (The Twin Cities), for our nation and the world, that healing may come to everyone’s body, to everyone’s heart and to everyone’s family and community. That love may come. That peace may grow out of gratitude and joy.

That kindness will be the habit that lines the streets and manages the space between us.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KINDNESS AND PRAYERS!

~love, Jules

Good Fortune & Challenging Things (update from March 18, 2021)

March 18, 2021—Good Fortune and Challenging things (I realize I am posting this 2 weeks later but I thought instead of rewriting or starting over I would just share this with you. I will write a new update soon and post it faster)

 Okay so I need to catch you up… 

Good fortune… 

• About a week and a half ago, we bought 30 eggs, so far we’ve had 28 double yoked eggs out of that batch. If you’re wondering the source, they are bulk eggs we bought at our local food co-op. Some say double-yoked eggs mean good luck but I’ve never in my life seen so many show up in a row. Good fortune? Maybe. 

• I made it through my first two weeks of taking Xeloda, my new chemotherapy pill, without too many side effects. Mostly, I’ve just been more tired, got a little winded walking sometimes. And I’ve been more emotional so Pete and I have nicknamed them the crying pills. Not all bad emotions, just close to that tender center. 

• And now I’m on my 7 days off before my next round of Xeloda. I got a massage from my favorite person on Monday, my first massage in about a year. It was fantastic and of course I cried a little, because I was so grateful. I’ll be going back soon. Later on Monday, after being approved by my oncologist, I got my first Pfizer vaccine. It is now Thursday and all I’ve experienced from that is a temporarily sore arm. Otherwise I’m fine. 

• In addition, Pete and I, along with three others, hosted The Dragonfly Project 19th Annual Celebration and Remembrance Event on Zoom, our first-ever virtual event. It was quite a learning experience. We were challenged to find ways to do things like a candle-lighting ceremony on the screen. It went better than we expected. We had 60-90 people watching live and now others can watch it online. Whew! I’m grateful we pulled it off. 
• On Saturday after the event Pete & I went for a walk at Zodiak Park. When we got there, we saw an eagle on the ice in the middle of the pond. What a treat! On our way home we stopped to get Thai food and decided to stay and eat there. There was only one other family there and the food was delicious. We were so grateful to have our first meal at a restaurant in over a year. We felt a little euphoric after finishing our event and having all this good fortune! 
  
  

 Challenging Things...

• Some unfortunate side effects...On Saturday, March 13th, I wore my tennis shoes for our walk at Zodiak Park. They were so comfortable I decided to wear them on Sunday as well. I got blisters. Blisters on the hands and feet are symptoms of “hand/foot syndrome” which is a side effect of Xeloda. When I mentioned my blisters and that my hands were now feeling dry and uncomfortable during our talk with the oncologist today, she said it was likely that I already am starting to have hand/foot syndrome. She will keep me at the lower dosage that she started me on. Sigh! Unfortunately this does not help my neuropathy in my feet at all. I confess I lost my cool for awhile. I am tired of having numb feet. And I really don’t want more to happen to them. Sometimes life just stinks. And I have 5 more rounds or 14 more weeks before this is all over and even longer before my body recovers from everything. Sigh. More prayers for healing please! 
  
  
•  A new garage coming soon to our property. We’ve been planning since last year and now it is going to be real. Saturday, March 20, we are emptying the garage. Saturday, March 27, we will begin tearing it down. Then when the frost is gone from the ground the cement work will begin. We are sharing work with our contractor. 
  
  
•  We need a new furnace…enough said! As if building a new garage is not enough, we now need a new furnace! Yes, really!

I"ll catch you up with more soon.

Blessings on your spring!

Jules

Spring 2021

What does spring mean to me? What am I looking for?—This was the prompt for my writing group a month ago. And here is what I wrote. Who knew Noah would be part of it?

 Spring 2021—what it means to me

What does spring mean to me? I have to say that after the year we had in 2020, everything needs to be redefined. I feel like we just threw out all our mindsets, all our previous beliefs about life, about democracy, about this country we live in, about how the world works, how nature works, how healing works, etc. Even the greening of the trees is going to be different this year. So, I am hard pressed to answer the question “what does spring mean to me?” The question itself implies a continuity that I am just not seeing.

 This year spring comes as I turn 62, an age that a couple years ago, I had expected to be at the top of my game. In terms of career and finding myself beyond parenting and family, I am a late bloomer. I was just hitting my stride when I turned sixty. A year ago, I was looking forward to leading more workshops, organizing more retreats, and encouraging even more people to listen to the wisdom of the spirit within. Then the pandemic came, then I got cancer, then our democracy started to crumble. And now I just pray spring comes, that God sends us a miracle of new life, of new health. I pray that like Noah and his family, we get to start over after the destruction of the flood, with a clean slate. It will not be easy to start over but I just long for that day when we look up and see the sign that tells us YES!

Will it be a rainbow? How did Noah know that a rainbow was it? Will it be a green bud on that old bush in the back yard that we thought was dead? Will it be my granddaughter reading me her first whole book because she finally got to go back to school in person? Will it be that the numbness in my feet starts to go away and I can walk barefoot and feel the grass? What will be the sign that the spring of our humanity has returned? Will a republican and a democrat suddenly reveal on Twitter that they have been secretly working together and have a plan for cooperation to return to our government? Will we finally understand that healing requires that we breathe the air from the trees on the other side of the world? That we finally understand that healing requires leaning on the wisdom of the water carrier in the Congo even as we offer our financial support to her village? That we finally understand we are one? That we finally understand that we are one.

That will be spring to me this year---healing as community works together, healing as my body finding its way to wholeness again, healing as we reach our hands out and our hearts out touching each other with genuine kindness and care, healing as we finally begin to listen to each other’s stories, healing as we finally agree to support all humans as we would our brothers and sisters. This will be spring to me this year and it might not come in March or April. I don’t know if I’ll see the signs, but I pray that Noah will teach me how to know that a rainbow or the green grass or the eagle flying overhead is a sign that God’s grace has returned to us.

 By Jules Bonde—2/2/2021

DINING WITH MY PLANT FRIENDS

March 2, 2021 ---Meantime my indoor garden is super excited about the return of the sun and more daylight. This is my dining room. We get to eat with these lovelies every day. My plant friends bring me so much joy. I understand now why my mom paid so much attention to her houseplants. In fact, both my Christmas cacti and my African violets are from my mother. Thanks Mom! A living legacy filled with joy! Love you always Mom! Love you always houseplants! 

CANCER TREATMENT PHASE #4: PREVENTION plus some rambling about life

So--this package came in the mail on Friday, all the way from Memphis, TN. why Memphis? Because only certain pharmacies are allowed to make the drug. And what is in this ominous looking package? Xeloda. It is a chemotherapy in pill form. Xeloda is recommended as a follow up to help prevent recurrence in the particular kind of breast cancer I had which was invasive ductal carcinoma, triple negative. I will take it daily for 2 weeks then get a week off for 6 cycles over the course of 18 weeks. I began taking them Saturday, February 27th. If I manage to take it to the end of all the cycles, June 25th will be my last dose. I believe it is a good choice but I am nervous about the outcome, meaning the side effects. Although my doctor assures me this is "a lot milder" than the chemotherapy i had last year, there is a long list of possible side effects including numb feet which I already have. I truly don't want to have more taken away from my feet. So this is mainly a plea for more prayers of healing and protection. in particular, I pray for healing of my numb feet and fingertips. It can also deplete my immune system a bit and I am wondering if I will ever be able to get a COVID vaccine. I'm feeling rather tender as i enter this new phase of treatment. 

Meantime my energy, for the moment, has returned. I have been walking almost daily with Pete. Yesterday we walked down by the Mississippi and enjoyed watching the ice floating down. We've been busily and happily working on hosting the 19th Annual Dragonfly Celebration via Zoom from our house (March 13th). So we're stretching our brains and creativity to make that happen. There always seems to be something to do. I am grateful to have good work to do from home during this time, including helping teach others to be spiritual directors through distance learning via Tending the Holy program at Christos Center for Spiritual Formation. All of it good work. I hope my energy remains and that I don't have to go back to laying on the couch during this new phase. So prayers for energy as well.

We are not seeing our children and grandchildren as much now. Parts of Jacob's and Karl's families have returned to in-person school. It's an exciting and yet vulnerable time for them and for us. We continue to be very careful with each other. Luke is not as vulnerable but added an extra job, teaching a small group of high school students computer programming online. So everyone's life is full. even so we are grateful for the contact and connections we have with them. Solveig, in kindgergarten called us after school 4 times last week on Google Duo for some very animated video chatting. And we met Karl's kids outside a couple of times for some playing in the snow. This is life in the time of the pandemic. Even, Sophie, age 2/12, is used to wearing a mask.

I can't end without giving thanks again to all of you, for your support, your friendship, your prayers/wishes/songs. I pray that in your own times of suffering, you will know there is this deep treasure of friendship and love to lean on, if we just allow ourselves to do it.

sending you love,

Jules

Looking Up to the Clouds and the Naked Trees

February 23, 2021

Catching the Winter Sun

Sunrise ~ February 16, 2021                                 Sunrise from my bedroom

Sunset ~ February 16, 2021                Sunset from our office

Sunrise and Sunset

Catching the winter sun on both ends

Of a cold Minnesota winter's day

Captured from my windows with the help of a lens

Giving me a good start and end to a full day at home

Then carrying the sun in my heart

To spite the cloud cover the next day

Then carrying hope to spite the gloom

Then a smile crosses my face

"You can't get me, I'm sunshine!"

Have a great day and stay warm!

~jules

____________________

coming soon: a health update

End of Phase 3--BREATHING AND COMPASSION IN TREATMENT

 

The Sunrise of our New Life? I hope so.

February 3, 2021--my last day of radiation treatments

Today is my last day out of 20 radiation treatments! Wahoo! I can't believe it!

Four weeks of radiation has been way, way easier to handle than 5 months of chemotherapy or even surgery. Evenso, I've had to drive to the hospital every weekday for three weeks and get zapped. About a week ago I started getting the expected burn on my skin and an itchy rash. So it hasn't been without some discomfort and inconvenience. But it also hasn't been all bad.

During my visits, I met a lovely man from Zimbabwe. What a sweet human he is! Each day he greets everyone in the office as he walks in the door and asks how they are. I am glad to have crossed his path, however briefly. And every person who works on me at radiology treats me with kindness and dignity and affirmation. I am grateful for the peole who work there.

During my drives to and from, I've been learning more about country and our world as I listen to NPR radio shows. I've also been listening to a lovely book, "An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith" by Barbara Brown Taylor. This books focuses on all the ways in which we encounter God as we walk through our lives.

Alongside this time, I've been participating in a spiritual practices group via Zoom.  This group is sponsored by our church but not exclusive to members. Since October, four of us have been taking turns teaching a new prayer practice each month. Last month we learned about focusing on compassion. My favorite part was the practice of breathing in the pain, holding it for a moment and then breathing it out and releasing it. The idea is to focus on someone who needs compassion and breathing in their pain and then releasing it. Cooincidentally, part of my radiationt treatments is to "take a deep breath and hold" while the radiation is administered. "Now you can breath," the therapist says when each position of radiation is accomplished. Due to my prayer focus on compassion, I've been using my daily radiation treatments as a time to prayer for healing, to breathe in the illness and breath it out, making space for the healing. I've been praying for myself and for others. And maybe I'm encountering God in the radiology therapy machine. Hmmm. 

I never expected for this to happen, but it did. And as a result, I feel like my energy level has been good. Though I'm glad today is the end of it, I'm not worn out from it. I feel reassured and more confident that healing will come. Compassion is the beginning of healing right now for me and for my friends and neighbors and even those I disagree with. Perhaps as we make more room for compassion, we make more room for healing. I hope this is so.

Even as I end my treatments I am going to continue this practice: "Take a deep breath, breathe in the pain and hold it for a moment" then "Breathe out, releasing it all." 

Will this be the end? I don't think so. But I do hope it is the beginning of a stronger healing time. I hope this for all of us. I hope this is the sunrise of our our new life!

Finding Hope in the Trees during Challenging Times

January 9, 2021

Deep breath! What a week! Earlier this week, I went to radiology therapy for my pre-treatment dry run. At the exact same time, a group of insurrectionists gathered and with encouragement from our president and others, stormed the capitol. In addition, I have been getting messages from friends who have had major health issues or family deaths without a chance to gather for funerals. So many reasons to be discouraged. Enough said!

The next day I had my first of 20 radiation treatments to discourage my breast cancer from coming back. The treatments only take 10 minutes or so but it is a 15 to 20 minute drive each way. The treatments are every weekday until I have finished them all. It is not lost on me that there is a cancer of sorts in our culture too. I think we all feel it. Whether we know how to name it or how to cure it, we feel it in our bones or the shortness of our breath. It's been there a long time and only now got serious and big enough for us to really know that we need healing. We need to stop and allow healing to happen. 

One of the things that has worked for me in the past and is especially helpful to me this past ten months has been going for a daily walk. Because I have been very weak some of that time, I hold onto my husband's arm and we sometimes walk very slow and don't go far. It is just important to at least get out of my house and walk around the neighborhood. I haven't always been faithful at this in the past but lately it is part of what saves me. This practice is not just about exercise. It is about seeing the other part of the world, the other part of our reality, outside of our four walls and the screens that connect us now. 

The other thing that has worked for me is that I often take a camera with me or at least use my phone camera. The camera helps me really see what is there. The more I look, the more I am stunned at how abundant our world is. And by that I mean an abundance of beauty, of love, of glorious life! I look at the big and I look at the small details and the more I look, the more densely packed the world is with amazing life! 

This practice seeps into my relationships. I started noticing how incredible people are too. Although I'm less likely to take photos of them, I keep a heart picture of them inside of me. In the face of so many reasons to give up or lose hope, most people perservere and some even shine brighter than ever, making me wonder how I could let a little thing like spilled tea or lost keys or rush hour traffic bother me; making me think I can overcome this cancer and live on. And it makes me wonder how to invite that abunbance into the spotlight, so that we have hope of healing the community.

Today, my answer to that question is just to share some of my photos with you (see link at the end of this). The photos are all of trees and bushes in my neighborhood within a two-block radius of my house, that I took just this morning. We don't need to look far. We just need to look with eyes and hearts and ears open. There is hope. Here is some of my reason for being grateful and hopeful today. 

I pray that some day soon we'll know how to move through this time and find healing. I pray that my cancer will never come back. In the meantime, the trees and all of your hearts and all of your songs help keep me grounded in love and I hope this helps you too.

peace be with you, Jules

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO SEE THE WHOLE ALBUM

PHASE 3: Radiation PLUS Happy New Year!

 January 4, 2020

On the last day of the year, 12/31/2020, I went to see my radiologist for my mappings scans. This seemed an appropriate way to end the year, after all that has happened. This is the process for them to map out exactly what they will point the radiation at. A physicist works with the radiologist to create a plan using the scans. This week, on Wednesday, I will go back for a final review of the plan and a dry run. Then Thursday, I will start my official radiation treatments. They will be every weekday until I have done 20. My last radiation treatment is Wednesday, February 3rd. Whew!

I am feeling peaceful and hopeful about the radiation. I am assured that the side effects are minor and I am thrilled that it will be over in a month compared to 5 months of chemotherapy and all that mess. We can do this! Radiation can kill things scans can't see. The radiation treatments are mainly to prevent recurrence of the cancer.

My neuropathy continues to be an annoying issue. I keep hoping the feeling in my feet and fingers will someday come back. Sigh! Meantime, my hair is beginning to grow back. My grandson tells me it is "really soft."Yay! And so, I am grateful that you continue praying. My sister once said to me, "if we could bottle prayer, we could cure lots of things." Amen to that!

Meantime, Pete and I have had a wonderful holiday season with our COVID bubble, otherwise known as our kids and grandkids. Since it was also school break, that meant both Jacob and Karl had more time to be with us. We got see all of them for Christmas Eve and all of them at some point around New Year's. We are so grateful for this time to just be together and have some fun. It is good for our souls. I pray that all of you have had some moments of joy too over the holiday. Here is my New Year's Wish for you: