Due to my particular personality type and preferences, one
of the places I have often and rather mistakenly looked for worth, is in other
people. From the time I was just a little kid, age six or so, I have wondered,
if my existence made any difference at all. My parents were missionaries in Madagascar and my
oldest brothers were gone from home by the time I was three. A lot of separation had me
wondering, does it matter if I'm in the family or not? And at boarding school, though my
friends were like siblings, it was hard to escape the doubt. Did I really
belong? I remember trying so hard to fit in. I kept my mouth shut, worked hard
and tried to laugh at the right jokes and play well enough in the games but
always the doubt nagged me.
When I was 17, my parents left the mission field and moved back
to the "States."(USA) My doubt moved right along with me and grew to
occupy quite a bit of my time because now it was more obvious than ever that i
was very different from those around me. Whoa! Growing up barefoot with almost
no possessions does not prepare you for shopping sprees and cars and phones.
And growing up in boarding school does not prepare you for socializing here in
America.
I made it through college, got married, had kids and decided
to stay home full time with them as they grew. And doubt, ever the faithful
companion, kept up with me. Even with children and a community of friends and a
my husband's wonderful family to belong to, that doubt was still there
sometimes. But then something happened that changed everything.
September 28, 2000, my third son died of brain cancer when
he was 11 1/2. Among the many things that changed after that was my concept of
belonging and being worthy. Losing what mattered to me more than anything made
me realize that all that mattered to anyone out there is all that ever mattered
to me...LOVE. Very quickly I learned to accept that LOVE connection wherever I
could find it. Slowly my heart began to open. It was the only way to heal. And LOVE wasn't always where I expected. There were people in my
family and even very, very close friends who abandoned me during that time and
there were people who stepped forward that I would never have expected to.
Worth isn't based on your history or your accomplishments or
your talents or even your ability to dream. You are worthy simply because you
are loved. And I have learned to give up trying to control where that love comes
from because you might miss that a person you pass on the street will be the
most loving person you ever met. And you might waste a lot of energy trying to
get approval from a parent or sibling who will never understand how much you
want to belong to them. (I certainly have!)
So stop being so hard on yourself. You belong and are
worthy. I think instead of searching for approval, it just works better to open
yourself up to be accepted as you are by the next person you meet or hear from.
LOVE is knocking on the door. So let it in!
Happy Valentines Day friends!
love, jules
