GRACE ENOUGH--Part 2

The earth beneath your feet has been absorbing the light since the day it was created. 

Stop for a moment and soak some of it up...there's enough for all.

Look out the window and gaze at the beauty of the sky and trees.

Lean into the Love around you.

There's enough love, enough light, enough peace, enough joy for all.

These are the gifts that no economy can take away or produce.

These are the gifts that no war can destroy. 

These are your gifts!

~ Jules Bonde, December 20, 2014

GRACE ENOUGH -- Part 1

December 20, 2022

Christmas is almost here, or if you celebrate other holidays, those are here as well!

With Christmas just days away, I offer you all this grace-filled word, "ENOUGH.”

Even if you don't bake everything or have a tree, just being together with a few loved ones will be enough. Even if the tinsel is on the floor and the dust bunnies are sneaking around the corner, it is enough. It's great to get things cleaned up and have a reason to. It's great to bake some favorite things and have a reason to. But sharing love and being together (even if only on Zoom) is the reason, celebrating how a little baby could come to a poor mother and turn the world upside down, celebrating how a tiny drop of love can make a whole garden of flowers grow.

I know we want everything to be just right, that we want to gather to sing and celebrate. I want that too, but I think our desire for that is more important than actually getting there. This year I’m offering my heart to this Christmas being enough for me, even in its smallness and to myself being enough.

I just invite you to allow yourself to be enough and allow the plans you have to unfold, with the occasional mess of internet not working or spilled milk. It won't
be perfect but it might be just enough.

Sending grace and Enough,

Jules 

GRATITUDE IS...

Looking forward to filling the table up with my loves!

Gratitude is this moment

when we look out the window
or accross the table and say "wow!"

when we open our hearts
to the beauty of the mess
and finally allow the gift in the door and receive it with open arms

Gratitude is this moment

when we bow with tears of joy
surrendering to the mystery of love and life

Gratitude is this moment

when we pause to see how amazing
this life truly is

Gratitude is a table 
ready to be filled with laughter
and sharing

Gratitude is this moment now

and we say "THANK YOU!" 

in short...

GRATITUDE IS

WOW

ALLOW

BOW

NOW

THANK YOU! 

_______________________

Thoughts on Thanksgiving 2022.

with Love and Gratitude 

From Jules 

 

CHRISTMAS THANKSGIVING

MORNING—THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE
The sun rises, peeking through clouds, over a quiet neighborhood in a big city. Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music fills my heart and the kitchen. The music connects me to my childhood Christmases, to the music that has filled me each and every year since my first Christmas so many years ago. As the music booms, we cook eggs, cut fruit and make tea for our breakfast. The sun has made it over the roofs of the houses and bursts through our windows. African violets and poinsettia beam with joyful color. We eat in silence, reading the paper, doing sudoku or just listening. It is not an enforced silence but a natural one. No words are needed right now. Silent Night, delicious eggs and the sun streaking across the table are enough for this moment.

 

WHAT IF?

Soon the moment will be over and we’ll be in our Christmas party-prep mode. This year, as we put up decorations, bought presents for loved ones and talked with our family about plans, I found myself wishing this is how we approached more of our lives. What if instead of just once a year, we quarterly or monthly spent a day displaying beauty, listening to or singing great music and cherishing moments with our loved ones? What if? What if it didn’t need to be a date on the calendar or snow or the perfect tree? What if we just found uncelebrated days to be just as lovely, just as full of desire to bring joy to one another? What if? What if, more often, we asked others what they want and then did what we could to help them get that? What if?

 

CHRISTMAS THANKSGIVING

I am so grateful for this cherished moment—for the music, for the food, for the sun, for my sons nearby to plan the party with, for my best friend and partner Pete, to share this messy and glorious life with. What if I dropped the worry about getting the perfect gifts and the right food and just carried the gratitude instead? Perhaps the gratitude will be the best gift I give this year. Perhaps.

 

THANK YOU!

I will begin with you. I am so grateful for you in my world dear reader and friend. I couldn’t be here writing this without you. I couldn’t share it without you to receive it. You make ALL the difference in the world. Your presence in my life is cherished.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 

With all my heart,

Jules

 

December 23, 2021

 

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

The Last Day

Yesterday was the last day. I took my last chemotherapy pill at dinner last night. No party, no fireworks, just one last swallow and then just after I set my glass down, I got a “Wahoo!” text my from my daughter-in-law. That encouraged a few calls and words of celebration and breathing with a few family and friends. Even in this, I am supported. Thank you!

It was a big day for me. It still seems a bit surreal. Really? Am I really done? There are no more scans and biopsies scheduled. I won’t see my oncologist again until September 15^th. (for the record, my particular kind of breast cancer does not have any blood markers…so the only way to tell if there is more cancer is scans and biopsies, of which I’ve had plenty). I’m still wrapping my brain around the idea that I might get to move on. Really? Meanwhile part of me is hopeful that I might actually get to make progress on my side effects as my body detoxes from the poison we know as chemo.

The First Day

Back in the day, it was a popular saying “today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Today that saying is just true for me. I feel like I’m starting over again, praying for guidance, for health, for presence of mind and heart to live fully and deeply. It is all that matters at this moment, to live fully and deeply and show up for myself and for others, the best I know how. There is still a lot of healing to do. There is a lot of work yet to do,  a LOT of work to do but starting today, I have been the gift of another day to do it in.

I look forward to leaning more into my passions again. I look forward to being with Pete and our kids and grandkids for a week up at a cabin up north later this month. I look forward to many more quiet mornings sitting on the patio, listening to the birds sing while I sip my tea or do a sudoku or the crossword puzzle. I love waking up early for a quiet morning! I look forward to singing again more, now that we can, with all the lovely voices I’ve come to adore in the groups I sing with. I look forward to connecting with friends, as we are able and enjoying those magical moments when we just know that we are connected, that we are one, that this world is one with us. I look forward to more deep conversations about love and God with book groups and in spiritual direction and with family/friends.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m going to start by giving thanks and listening for my heart. I’m going to start by saying Thank you! And then having a few tears to honor this moment when I get to move on.

Peace be with you dear friends! Love be with you dear family!

Love, Jules

Thanks to Rena Lindgren for the photo of me walking through the stone threshold from our trip in 2015 to Pipestone National Monument.

DINING WITH MY PLANT FRIENDS

March 2, 2021 ---Meantime my indoor garden is super excited about the return of the sun and more daylight. This is my dining room. We get to eat with these lovelies every day. My plant friends bring me so much joy. I understand now why my mom paid so much attention to her houseplants. In fact, both my Christmas cacti and my African violets are from my mother. Thanks Mom! A living legacy filled with joy! Love you always Mom! Love you always houseplants! 

The Storm is Passing Over: update

This is just a short update to let you all know I did make it home from the hospital on Saturday evening but not until I had a blood transfusion. This was a first for me and and interesting experience to see the bag full of  someone else's blood going in. It was a good thing and helped me a lot. My thanks to all those who give blood to help others. I am extremely grateful.

Sunday was still a day of struggle but without that hospital visit and blood transfusion, I wouldn't have made it through yesterday. After a morning of diarrhea and some additional bladder pain, the antibiotics finally kicked in and things settled down. Sunday night I slept 9 hours. It was good! There is nothing like a great night of sleep for healing. 

Today, Monday, has been much better day. I've had some energy to do things. I have had a better appetite and eaten better. My nurse reassured me in a call today that I would get better and that the next round would not be as hard. I am hopeful.

I go to bed tonight with hope, with prayers for continued healing, with gratitude for the hearts of so many who love and care for each other. 

Good night all,

Jules 8/17/2020

Chemo #2: The Peace in the Middle of the Storm

July 8--I received my 2nd Chemotherapy Treatment for Breast Cancer
My mind has been full of late, hard to express how much this changes everything, how pervasive the cancer is, affecting all my actions and thoughts right now. Here are some of my reflections as of July 8--Just 6 weeks since I first discovered the lump.

Part 1:--The Hibiscus.

Pete and I have this hibiscus bush we’ve been tending for years. It has spent some time in the ground in our gardens and for the last couple of years we have chosen to keep it on pot, usually in our dining room. During February, March, April and May it had bloomed constantly, often putting out more than one flower at a time. Then in June it stopped blooming because it had an infestation of tiny flies. So Pete took it outside for some sun and air. In addition, he sprayed it several times with soap solution. 

And today, on the morning of my 2^nd Chemotherapy treatment, my dear Hibiscus daughter bloomed once again. She was sick and now is well! It couldn’t have happened on a better day! So grateful! I hope to join her in this healing.

Part 2: Reflecting on Cancer's demands during Chemo

Last time I had a private room. This time I'm in the big room with mutiple patients. It's different and okay. Here is a photo of me with my port plugged in. once again, I brought more than I could do during the time it took. The nurses are nice and I'm feeling strangly peaceful in this storm.

So the last time I wrote, I was just starting to say out loud, “I have cancer. I have breast cancer.” I was still going for diagnostic tests and finding out more about this treatment. From May 29 to June 27, I had 18 medical appointments! These included several types of scans, 2 biopsies, several consultations and port placement surgery. By the time of my first chemo treatment on June 24th, my head was spinning, and I was just exhausted. This is not an overstatement. Processing all this has been mind-blowing

And then the day came when I woke up to an appointment-free day and I could start to just breathe again. In the last ten days, my energy for life has returned little by little. Yesterday, I even did a very radical thing. I cleaned out the bathroom medicine cabinet and cupboards and threw about half of it away. It felt so good. I also moved my desk out of our bedroom about 5 days ago, another way overdue activity. I don’t know what it is about this human experience that causes me to do things this way, but it seems to take a significant event for me to move.

It’s amazing how much this cancer has caused me to get moving, on several levels. First, Pete and I started walking twice a day; before breakfast and before dinner, mostly to handle the stress. Prior to that, we would only go on walks occasionally. Now, it is a requirement for the stress and as side benefit it is making me stronger too.

Next up was a change in diet. It happened rather naturally because I needed to adjust. So now I’m down to just ½ cup of black tea which is my only caffeine for the day. Less caffeine also helps the tension AND I stay hydrated better. I eat hardly any sweets and no snacks between meals. This helped with managing the drugs that were making me bloated. We’ve focused our diet on high protein and vegetables with some fruit. I still eat a little bread but that too has gone way down. All this because Cancer showed up at my door and started making demands! Hmmmm. 

Of course, in terms of treatment, I’m just getting my feet wet. I still have 5 ½ months to go on chemotherapy. And then possibly surgery and radiation after that, depending on how it all goes. I will likely tire more easily as it progresses and lose my hair and whatever else might happened. But this beginning gives me hope, that there will be good results from this time as well. For instance, I’m sitting here in chemo writing, not watching TV or checking FB but writing. And that’s a great place to start.

Part 3: My Backyard: my oasis and refuge

I'm fortunate to have the most peaceful backyard, complete with fountains, hammock chairs, hammock, treehouse, birds singing, dragonflies, the occassional bunny and lots of shade provided my very dear tree friends. So, when I get home from chemo, I set up myself with tea and the hammock chair and a camera, just in case. The trees draw my eyes upward. The birds sing along. The breeze calms my heart. The hammock chair cradles me in its gentle lap. These are moments when I get to just be held in beauty. More peace. I'm so grateful.

Part 4: Friendship is the best medicine
Once again, I thank all of you for your support. Many of you have offered to help in anyway that is needed. Please know that in this beginning part that when I do figure out what I need, I will let you know. Otherwise, your cards and emails, your prayers and conversations with me online are very useful to me. Truly. So thank you for that. From the bottom my heart! Your friendship, however it is expressed, is the best medicine!

With gratitude for the "peace in the middle of the storm." (from Barbara McAfee's song, Surrounding You.)

Jules

The Many Gifts of Friendship

Photo Painting
by Rena Joy, my Amazing Soul Sister

I"m grateful this morning for great friends, who allow me to be, who invite me to be and who defend me even against my own worst judgment, who lift me up to the light and mirror for better reflection. Thank you, thank you!

THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules

The Sacredness of a Cup of Tea (or Coffee)

"A cup of tea becomes sacred time when shared with the heart of another." ~ Jules

There are some things one can't write in a public forum because there are people's privacy to protect. So many times, I have wanted to write a blog about an incredible person who has crossed my path but to share the magic of that I’d be sharing personal things about them that might not be helpful to share in public. And other times, I've been tempted to write something not so nice which I quickly realize won't help and is most likely coming from my own unmet expectations.

Perhaps that's why it is so important that we not just write and post and Twitter and Facebook but that we meet face to face, one on one or in trusted circles to share our deeper and messier and lovelier selves. When I find out who the real you is, with all the bumps and pimples and all the bravery and courage, I am even more inspired than I was when I first saw the twinkle and shine in your eyes. It has often been said that "misery loves company" and it is true. It really does help to vent our misery with others AND to discover that we are not alone in it. What we don't notice as often is that "joy loves company" too. Joy shared is gratitude that finds its way to your bones and lives. When we share our vulnerability, when we give voices to our gratitude, it becomes an abundance and that makes the world a better place.

Which brings me to why I haven't been writing more in my blog lately. I have plenty to say but right now I am focusing more energy on in-person, face-to-face meetings; spending more time with real people, with real messes and real victories to share. This is partly the gift of summer and more freedom to get out. (My work increases during the school year) And I Love it. I LOVE, love what happens to my heart, my soul when the real story is shared in real time. I love how the Holy Spirit begins to show up too. I know it takes time, but it is totally worth it. I hope I can keep making time for this.

So, this is an open invitation to you. Consider contacting someone you would like to talk to and setting up a real conversation, maybe add a cup of coffee or tea. Perhaps if we all spend more time sharing our SORROW AND our JOY, we'll stop pushing against each other and instead find ourselves inspired, encouraged and praying for one another.

And now I'm off to share the privilege of time with a friend.

~Jules, 8/28/18

Peace Be

So last night as I was falling asleep, I thought of something that belonged on my to-do list that I keep forgetting. I had such a great sleep last night, best one in a long time, but I was kicking myself for not getting up and writing that forgetful item down. I have NO idea what it was!

In an effort to remember, I decided to sit down and run through my whole TO-DO list on paper. It is a good practice for me to once in a while sit and write it all down. I wondered too, what other things I might be forgetting. And now I'm wondering when I am going to do all that and if I really do all that? My goodness! Life so easily fills in the blanks, that I might have to get better at scheduling space for thought and reflection.

So, I wish I could remember what I forgot AND I'm also grateful that the reason I forgot is that I had one of the best rests last night. I am so grateful to wake up refreshed. I think a good sleep might be one of life's best treasures.

And I'm grateful for having a life, however messy and weird it might be. I have a life to live and that's a good thing even if I can't do it all.

And I'm grateful for my young friend who came over yesterday and inspired me with her creativity and incredible presence and her truth. Thank you.

So, peace to the forgetful mind. It'll likely come back to my consciousness when I least expect it but if it doesn't, the world won't end. Life will go on.

And peace to this day. Just a little love and kindness will get us through.

And peace to all who are struggling with something today. A little prayer will help. (I know all your prayers help me)

And peace to my neighbor who just stopped by for a moment just now. She need some tea and I was happy to be able to provide her with some. I am grateful for her presence on my block.

And peace to my friends far and wide who have either asked for my support or provided support for me when I have asked. We all need a little help from our friends. We really do. We're not going to finish this race without that.

So I started with being frustrated at myself and my forgetfulness and end with gratitude for the richness of friends and neighbors, the gift of sleep and a little kindness and the healing that comes with a little prayer.

And that's why I like the practice of journaling and blogging and even the occasional Facebook post. It can help us find the gifts, if we give ourselves the time and space.

Peace be with you this day!

love, jules

GRATITUDE MONTH #29: CHALLENGES

This is my second to the last entry in my Gratitude Month challenge. I've mentioned beauty, wonder, grace and sweet people but I haven't talked about challenges. What about life's mess and life's challenges? Am I grateful for those? Not always. Sometimes I run as fast as I can from those. But when I do stay, when I do welcome the challenge and sit with the discomfort, I find I am grateful. 

Wait! What? 

Yes, I said grateful. I'm thankful for the challenge.

Let me see if I can give a couple examples:

• In part of my life, I'm a computer, graphic design, desktop publisher, website person. That means that sometimes my coworker is a computer that refuses to listen to a word I say or do a single thing that I want. And that challenges me, to try harder, to think farther outside the box and sometimes to ask for help. It challenges me to ask for the excellence and connection I desire. And that's something I'm not good at in all of the my life. I have a lot to learn about asking for, demanding the excellence that I know can be (Not perfection but also not sloppiness). The idiot of a machine helps me celebrate the beautiful vision I have inside. 
• Some of my life is focused on relationships; family, extended family, friends. Relationships are messy at best and devastating at their worst. I hate conflict! But when I don't run, when I stay for the struggle and sit with the discomfort, when I stay to listen to the other's story and  ask the hard questions: "what is the most loving thing to do now? " I learn that there is oh so much more to love and grace than I could possibly have imagined.
• 150 boxes--Last year I went through and got rid of most of the contents of 150 boxes in my basement. That was very challenging, one of the hardest things I've ever done. It felt like ripping band aids off every day. I wanted so many times to just walk away and just let the stuff be there like it always had been. but I stayed and I kept at it and one day, I realized that letting go felt better than hanging on and now I have breathing space and an extra play space for my grandchildren. It gives me hope that i can let go again in the future and even more space will open up.
• Grief--I think the best challenge has been sitting with grief...both my own and others. We want so badly to smooth it over, make it feel better. But when I sit gently on the couch with grief for awhile, I realize how precious the people are that I've lost and my compassion for how much I've had to say goodbye grows. And self-compassion does a lot for healing and finding peace! I am grateful for all the wonderful lessons grief has taught me.

Yep! that's me hiking the cliffs at Devil's Lake St. Park, WI

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the hardest, mostly challenging things to work for have held the key to something I really value, something that ultimately I am deeply grateful for. Like climbing the mountain is worth it for the view and perspective AND to discover I am strong enough to get there!

Then suddenly the challenge becomes part of the abundance. And that's a divine grace in my book! I think that's part of how God's love redeems us, by turning the struggle into a gift.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#14: MY FRIENDS

Friendship!
Hearts united by the mutual joy!
Dancing together through the messes of life!
My friends!

They are beautiful!
Of course!

I couldn't be more grateful for the stunning and incredible people that I get to be close to; especially these last ten years!

Singing, laughing, crying, groaning and growing together! Celebrating, honoring, challenging and reaching out to each other! My sisters of heart lift me up when I am down, remind me in a very nice way that it is not all about me AND it is all about me. And just like in the picture, they free me to dance to my own rhythm, to play, to be fully myself while also returning the favor. And what a great dance it is! They bring me hope, give me love and in the midst of their own mess find a way to give me wisdom. Friends are the best possible idea God/Love ever had! 

Thank you to all of you! 

I couldn't have made it this far without you! 

Today, I am grateful for FRIENDS!

Madagasikara Soa

For the past 8 months I've been working a new project, making a website/blog for my friend Kristine Braaten-Lee who is a chaplain in Northfield, MN and a missionary kid from Madagascar. She will soon be traveling to Madagascar and will be sharing her thoughts of that wonderful land and how they relate to her life here in Minnesota.

I recommend that you check out what she has to say. Her blog is called Madagasikara Soa, which means Madagascar blessings or benefits. I think you will enjoy her stories. Click on this link to learn more: https://kbl333.wixsite.com/madagasikarasoa

A NEW YEAR'S INVITATION

(photo: dawn on my street on winter solstice)

A NEW YEAR'S INVITATION

A new year has come

and your are invited to the feast of

another 365 days of living

a buffet of flavors and seasons

Love, humor, color, and more

Come taste the life offered to you

Open your ears to the music

your eyes to the beauty

your heart to the possibilities

A new year has come and you are invited

to live life to its fullest

to be who you are

may 2017 be your best year yet!

~Jules

A week wrapped in love and a "rain-set"

Last night's "rain-set" (a combination of rain and sunset) was spectacular. Here is a photo of the sunset through the gentle rain that had fallen all afternoon ( out my book door). As Pete and I stood on our back steps and watched, I kept thinking that this was a week wrapped in love and prayer. The sun and rain helped me see that. Let me explain.

I have to back up a ways. At the end of June, our son noticed a bump on Pete's neck which we decided should be checked out. then there was a doc visit, an ENT visit, a CT scan, a biopsy and an ultrasound. On August 4, Pete was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer. That whole first week after the diagnosis, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. It took all my strength to not jump to horrible conclusions. And actually the news was good. This is a cancer with a 95% cure rate, even after 20 years. And Pete is one of the healthiest people I know. But I've been down the path that runs through the shadow of death before and I've lost people, including my 11 year old son Hans (in 2000). Just because everything looks good doesn't mean it is. I know this truth in my bones and deep in my heart. So I reached out for support and prayers because no matter how things turn out, life is just better when the community focuses on blessing and supporting each other.

On Wednesday, September 14, (just two days ago) Pete had his surgery at the U of M hospital with the same surgeon who did my parathyroid surgery 5 years ago. This helped give me confidence in the outcome. I totally trusted Dr. Evasovich. Then on the day of surgery, my friend Cheryl, and Pete's sister Kris (and later my children) joined me in the family waiting room. It was a long, long day which included a 3-hour delay before the surgery started. But we weren't wrong about Dr. Evasovich. She did a great job taking out his thyroid and several lymph nodes as well as avoiding all the risks of nerve damage. She even caught an extra problem in one of Pete's parathyroids and removed that.

All the while, I knew people were praying and sending love and holding us tenderly in their hearts. It was exhausting to wait but inside, at the center, I felt a peace that passes all understanding. It was similar to something I had felt before when our son Hans got brain cancer...the mystery of beauty in the midst of pain and chaos, the mystery of how people can hold one another with love.

Yesterday, Thursday, I brought Pete home from the hospital around noon with every hope that he will fully recover. He has a very sore throat but was able to eat and spent most of the afternoon resting. And then in the evening a very sweet thing happened. There was this poetic movement of the sun echoing off of every raindrop as it sank into the horizon. Yellow and orange filled the sky as the rain continued to fall. I couldn't help but think this is what happens when everyone prays...the light shines and echoes off of every teardrop, every deep sigh. Tears wrapped in love turn to gratitude and joy. This is another truth sinking deep into my bones. Light and love change everything, even a week spent fighting cancer.

So I offer my gratitude to God, to all of you, to the mystery of how love can make a rain-set appear on your back steps at the end of day full of struggle. Thank you for wrapping my week in love!

Love, jules ~ 9/16/16

Winning the Lottery!

July 21, 2016

In 1959 I was born into a beautiful and loving family. I am just so grateful that I landed there. My parents were in their forties, about 10 to 15 years older than my friends and peers. My siblings, (all 5 of them) were off at boarding school, 700 miles away. [my parents were Lutheran missionaries on the island of Madagascar from 1948 to 1976 and boarding school was part of that experience] My mom and I flew down to introduce me to them when I was 6 weeks old, the first of many attempts at family reunions--with intention to be family together. But as it turned out, we never really did live together except for a few vacations here and there. There weren't as many gatherings as we wanted. Like the others, I went to boarding school too, when i was in first grade and on from there. And then after college, each of us in turn spread our wings and flew far and wide and now live in 5 different states and coast to coast.

As I look back over the last 57 years, there have been a lot of tear-filled nights and days, longing for my family, wishing I could live with them and praying that one day, I would have a family to really belong to. This being apart has influenced both my mistakes and my wholehearted decisions. It's been my deepest pain and most exquisite gift.

Three weeks ago was our most recent family reunion. We all (all 6 of us siblings) came together (plus a few spouses and children) to spend a week together. It was amazing! It was loving and it was, for a few days, that feeling of family. We did more story-telling than ever before. We spent more time together. I found myself returning to that deep gratitude, for landing there, in that place 57 years ago. We've all grown up a lot, we're all in our wisdom years and now in addition to loving each other, we have the grace to just be together and enjoy the moments when we can. I am filled with love and gratitude for that week.

I can't stop  there though. I have to include another reunion that happened the week before when I spent a week with 7 women that I have known since birth as all of us grew at boarding school together, all of us close to the same age. We had a reunion at one of their homes and spent a week, laughing, talking, crying and just wallowing in this space of friendship and this feeling of family; adopted family. I can't believe the kindness and support and generosity I felt that week. I can only begin to express my gratitude for that.

And there's more! because after both of these reunions I went to practice with my hospice/comfort choir [Morning Star Singers]. And in those first few notes of harmony, I felt so at home, more myself perhaps than I feel anywhere else in the world. This is my tribe too, these gorgeous hearts that live so lovingly, that blend so beautifully, that fight to keep kindness and peace int he world with their presence.

And there's even more! In a few days, I will celebrate 35 years of wonderful, joyful, amazing marriage and friendship with my husband Pete. I can't believe I got so lucky! he is truly one of earth's most treasured gifts. And with him came another entire clan who took me in and cared for me. And with him came our beautiful children and grandchildren. In addition I have great friends who have stood by me through thick and thin.

I feel today as if I've won some secret lottery. And like any winner I am crying with tears of joy. I've won it all! --Family, partnership, marriage, friends and time to enjoy them!

How many ways is there to say thank you? and grateful? I thought perhaps this old picture of me would do the trick. In honor of all those who have touched my heart and my life, I raise my hands to the heavens!

Thank you!

The Basement Excavation: Giving Thanks for the Connections

In the silence of the early morning, I stopped to meditate for a bit, to ponder. I became overwhelmed with gratitude for this knowing in my bones that I am not alone, that Love, that God, that all of you are with me. I have spent a lot of my life longing for connection (due in part to the conditions of my childhood growing up in a boarding school).

Later, down in the basement, the box I picked up to go through contained all of the sympathy cards sent to us after our son Hans died fifteen years ago. As I threw them into the recycling, I opened each one to read the names signed inside. I just wanted to see the names again. A feeling of gratitude washed over me and stopped me in my tracks. I am so thankful for the community of people whose threads of love held us up during that dark time.

As part of my ongoing longing to connect, I signed up for Facebook long before many of my peers. As a result I was able to "find" people I had lost track of. But Facebook itself is a surreal place. It is not a place of real connection, of real relationship but it is a place where we can come and remember how connected we are. As I have been going through decades of letters, cards and notes, I am experiencing the same thing there. Those letters and cards are not the real relationship but they are a reminder of all the connections my family has had over the years. Honestly, if I had to count them all, there would be hundreds of people over the years that have woven their threads with ours. Perhaps that is part of the answer of why my mom and her parents saved so many of their letters--as visible reminders of those connections. I can't say I blame them. Sometimes when we feel so alone, we need those reminders. It can help to have someone call or text or send you little note on email.

Brene Brown says humans are "wired for connection." This is certainly true in my case. There have been times when I have felt so alone, so separate from family, from friends and even from God. The longing to connect has sometimes been a physical pain in my body. But always when I pause to look and listen, to meditate and ponder, I notice there are threads there. You are there! And I fill up with gratitude and realize I have enough, more than enough.

So if I haven't thanked you lately, for weaving your threads with mine, consider yourself thanked! Friends like you, are worth more than all the gold!

THANK YOU! MERCI BEAUCOUP! MANGE TUSEN TAKK! MISAOTRA!

The Basement Excavation: Remembering Mom and Dad

Case #3: Remembering Mom and Dad

The other day I was sorting though another old box of my mom's. She had old letters, school programs; a chaos of papers. She used to save everything we ever did, every letter we wrote, everything. I came accross a card I made for my parents for their 30th anniversary. It was exquisite in both design and content. I was professing my love and gratitude to them for the gift of family they had given me. It undid me. I remembered how much I loved them and how much I miss them. Mom and Dad weren't perfect but I do believe I learned about love from them, real love. I wish with all my heart and body that I could tell them how I've lived in that love and used it. Oh the ache of that moment and the sweetness of knowing I had given them a gift in return, of gratitude. I didn't get much done the rest of that day. Perhaps I won't throw that card just yet.

Sometimes I wish, really wish that Mom hadn't saved everything, that she had let go. But that day, I was grateful. And I know her well enough to know she let go of plenty. Sigh!

Update:

AS of today, March 10th, I have gone through 66 boxes. 40 of those boxes have been emptied. some have been reused to haul things away to recycling or the thrift shop. In addition I've unloaded 4 big bags of clothes. Lots of tears have been shed as I face old family baggage that I've avoided for a LONG Time (at least 15 years). They have been therapeutic tears though exhausting at times. Today there are no tears and I'm grateful for that too. Today I just feel good to still be in it, to have not given up yet.

I've been saying that the word for the year is CLEAR. I love that you can interpret this in a number of ways. i'm still waiting for a sweet mission statement to come out of this, a nice statement of intention that makes the purpose all CLEAR.

I am praying and yearning for God's guidance and wisdom in all of this. If I let go of the old family stuff, will I better be able to handle the truth of family that is NOW? i hope so. and will I find renewed energy to pursue other dreams? I hope so.

Gratitude:  Many thanks to those friends, I think you know who you are, who have been so supportive of me during this project. I am so grateful! ~ jules