Gratitude for the Little Ones: Grounding in Grandparenting

April 25, 2020 (Still social distancing)

I've been a grandmother for five years now. We have three grandchildren, 5, 4 3/4, 22months. I (along with my sweet husband) have done a significant amount of care for these grandchildren. Until last fall, we had the two older ones over at our house every Friday, all day. As a result, our grandchildren are among the people we call our best buddies. We miss them terribly during this quarantine. We have gotten to see them a few times at a safe distance but gone are the group cuddles and giggles on the couch or our bed.

Drawing with Markers by Solveig, age 5

So it was doubly sweet a couple days ago, when we received a little artwork from each of them. Solveig's came in the mail. She drew this picture, in her current Solveig style.On the other side, her parents had helped her write a note including some important questions: "Have Grandma and Grandpa ever cut paper?"  "Have they ever drawn a funny pattern?"  I can't tell you the last time I got a letter in the mail. What a sweet gift!

watercolor by Wendell, age 4 1/2

On the same day, Wendell and his little sister, Sophie, came by to play on our playground for a little while. The first thing Wendell said, "Grandma Jules, I have present for you." Indeed, he had even made a special envelope for these two watercolor paintings...the blue one is Wendell's and the other more minimalist one is Sophie's. Again, it touched my grandma heart deeply.

watercolor by Sophie, age 22 months

Thank you Solveig, Wendell and Sophie for being in my world! and thank you Jacob, Beth, Karl and Erica for being such wonderful parents, for sharing them with us and teaching them love and kindness.

In the midst of this social distancing, these are gifts I will be hanging on to, sinking my roots deep into the love that transcends all time and space. These are gifts that help me remember to be grateful. What a lucky mother, grandmother, spouse I am!

Sometimes the simple things are what grow our deepest roots! Sometimes the little ones save us from our overthought, overworked adult lives. In this case, I'm going to say, LOVE WINS!

STAYING AT HOME (Grounding in Home)

STAYING AT HOME / GROUNDING IN HOME
April 12, 2020 [it's been almost 30 days since we started closing down and sheltering at home during the Coronavirus/COVID-19 crisis]

Officially, during the last 4 weeks, we have been under a "Stay at Home" order in Minnesota. Some call it "lockdown," some call it "sheltering at home," some call it "sabbath," hmmmm. I guess what you call it depends on your perspective. Officially, I can't write in my journal right now without having this situation be part of my thoughts. Quite simply, the COVID-19 crisis has affected everyone and everything I know, except love. Love is a constant.

Coincidentally, my book group started reading and discussing "Grounded: Finding God in the World, A Spiritual Revolution" by Diana Butler Bass in mid-February. After being derailed for a couple weeks, I invited the group to meet with me on Zoom to connect and discuss the book. Also, coincidentally, the chapter we discussed last Thursday is called "Home." Butler Bass does a great job of thoroughly covering the subject of home (ancient history to modern times including Bible and church effects on home) except she doesn't cover what home might come to mean to us after a mass quarantine such as we are in the middle of. Truthfully, I don't know the answer to that either but I do have some thoughts I'd like to share.

So what is home? Where do you live? How do you define home? What does it mean for you? I agree with Butler Bass that these are sacred questions. So I ask, what does 'Stay at Home' mean for your heart?

The beach I grew up on in Madagascar

Home as a Place: In my early years, home was plain and simply Madagascar (the island on the other side of the world, not the movie). The whole island, which is as large as Texas, felt like home to me. The climate, the people, the food, the earth, everything felt like home. It is the place of my birth, which is often our early definition of home. In particular, the ocean was home to me. The ocean is constantly moving and changing, always another wave coming in and in that changing, there is life you can count on. I always feel better in my heart, like I am home when I am near the ocean. The second best is being near any other body of water. Home is a place where my feet can wade in the water and know there is life, there is breath, there is another day.

Home as Family: It gets messier when you start thinking about home and family as being synonyms. It's messy because family is messy. My parents loved each other and the world. They also loved their faith life. To the best of their ability, they tried to create home for us, a place where we could grow in love and faith. My dad as a missionary pastor enthusiastically shared his faith with us. My own faith journey starts with my parents. In many little ways, my parents are why I feel so connected to my own spiritual grounding. God's love and grace is home to me.

the HOME, Missionary Children's Home

But, (with family there is always a but) we all went off to boarding school when we were 5 or 6. In fact my siblings were already there when I was born. So the messy of my family is that we never really lived together all in one place, as a family. Then the kids and adults at boarding school became a second family to me, one just as messy. In fact our boarding school was affectionately called "the Home," short for Missionary Children's Home. There was the girls I had as a roommates who still feel more like siblings than my family of origin. There were the houseparents who were there when I was sick, who heard me give my first speech and my first piano recital and all that. And there was the fact the missionary family were are always coming and going, so one could never sink roots too deep. You had to be ready for the next goodbye.

Then when I came back to the states both of those families evaporated. Once in America, my parents and siblings ended up living coast to coast and all in different states. It is hard to build relationship from a distance. The same was true of my classmates and peers from boarding school. For awhile and even still, it often has felt like I am an orphan, without a family. Dad and Mom died 33 and 13 years ago respectively. At moments I have even been jealous of friends' siblings fighting, thinking "at least you have a sibling to fight with." I did get a new family though. I married my dear husband straight out of college, when we were 22. Part of the attraction was that he had a family, a very grounded and solid one. The Bonde family has been such a gift to this orphan. I've been able to graft my heart on to their solid vine and have some roots as a result. And that's helped Minnesota to feel a bit like home.

Pete & I at home.

I wanted so badly to have family, that I had four kids and then became what is called at "homemaker," a stay-at-home mom. Yes, that's me! I built a whole career, a whole life on stay-at-home. I haven't always like the moniker 'homemaker' but it really does describe it. I didn't just find a home, I created one. And I didn't do it alone. I had help from Pete and my friends and later, my kids. So that's an interesting twist to this combining of family and home. Do you find home or do you create home or is it both? I found Pete to be my home AND Pete and I created a home together.

Home as Relationship and Community: Had you asked me in 1976, where I would make a home in the USA, I would not have said, "Minnesota." It is not my climate at all. I want something closer to the tropics. It is as far away from the ocean as you can get in this country. There are no mountains. My siblings aren't here. But after 39 years of living here, I find myself feeling more and more home. And the reason is not the climate or the river but the people. As time goes by, I find more and more that people are my home. Church is home because it's full of people earnestly searching for a common way of love and forgiveness, people supporting each other, accepting each other. Community song circles are home because they are full of people, bravely willing to live authentically and wholly, offering their pure hearts in song. Writing circles are home, for the same reason. My close friends are home because they invite me to be me. My children and grandchildren are home, each carrying a piece of me in them. And each of them loving me in spite of my mistakes. My husband, Pete, is home. With him, I am truly and wholly myself, in all my dark and light moods. With him. I am home.  Home is the people. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else now because so many of my people live here.

And that brings me back to the corona virus crisis and the order to stay home. I have had moments of naked loneliness because I'm not seeing my people. And I've had moments of deep gratitude that I have people to miss. I've also had time to find the home, the place of center and grounding in me and had time to breathe into the home of my soul. I'm not happy about the crisis but I am grateful for the invitation to breathe within. The question is can I be at home in my heart, soul? Can I be at peace and not afraid of just being with myself? Can we be home in just being? and not always doing?

Other definitions of home: Diana Butler Bass has several definitions of home in her chapter. Here are some of them:

• Home is more than a house (p. 166).
• Home is the geography of our souls (p. 166).
• Home is a place where we belong (p. 167).
• Home is a place where God meets us (p. 167)
• Home is where the heart is (p 172)…the abiding place of our affections.
• Home is the location that shelters our lived experience, but also holds our memories and shapes our desires. (p. 172)

What is your definition of home? How are you being invited to "stay home" during this time of isolation and social distancing? Where do you find home? Where do you live? Who invites you to feel safe at home within?

I pray that as you leand into this time of social distancing, you find peace and health in your home and in your heart.

~Jules

Our Time Within May Lead to New Path

I’ve been drawing labyrinths for about 15 years now. I fell in love with them after walking my first one before I even really knew what they were. Labyrinths have been around for millennia, giving people a meditative path to walk on, without having to go far. It is not a puzzle but a single path to the center. Traditional labyrinths (like the one pictured to the left here) have only one path to the center, which you walk, then when you are ready, return on the same path to get out. This is symbolic of prayer and meditation. We pause, go in to the center, and then return to our lives.

For 2020, I suddenly felt like we needed a new path, a new labyrinth. So I drew this blue one and added notes. In this one we walk to the center, then when we are ready, we walk out by a different path, visiting some of the same scenery but ultimately coming out changed and in a different place. It gives me hope at that this time of going in and then staying in, (this time of the COVID-19 quarantine) will be a time of change, that we will be able to come out of it transformed in a good way and on a new path! In the meantime, please enjoy my labyrinth experience with your fingers...or draw one on the driveway to share.  

                                                
                               ~ prayerfully, jules

You can also access this labyrinth photo here: https://photos.app.goo.gl/BwBJK8THdeNDKEYM6

SONGS OF HOPE TO SHARE #1

Inspired by all the song sharing on Facebook these last 2 weeks, I thought I'd share some songs of hope with you from various sources. Songs to Share during COVID-19 crisis:

This song was written by Linda Allen in response to the burning of the World Trade Center in NYC after 9/11/2001. 

you can find out more about Linda and this song here: https://songsforthegreatturning.net/honoring-our-pain-for-the-world/ashes-and-smoke/

Ashes and Smoke by Linda Allen
"We have been burned, burned by the fire.
And we are ashes, ashes and smoke
And we will rise, higher and higher
On the wings of compassion, justice and hope."
Written by Linda Allen after 9/11/2001, the burning of The World Trace Center in NYC. Singing party nov 2016 www.singportland.com




Laurence is a sweet and powerful song writer and circle song leader. A couple days ago, I came across this one and it touched my heart so deeply during this COVID-19 quarantine. Without jobs to go to, or events to attend, many of us now have time to "busy" ourselves with these heart-centered activities...beauty, love, friendship, peace, health.

you can find out more about Laurence and this song here: https://www.laurencecole.com/album/busy-yourself-making-beauty/

Busy Yourself Making Beauty by Laurence Cole.

Busy yourself making beauty.  Busy yourself making love.

Busy yourself making friendship, and everything else will work out.

GROUNDING MYSELF IN SINGING

GROUNDING MYSELF IN SINGING

Nearly three weeks ago, we all received an invitation, later it became an order, to STAY HOME. A tiny little protein covered with fat, called COVID-19 has turned our world upside down. We've cancelled an important annual event for us personally. We've shut down stores, businesses, schools, churches. There is no book group, no choir practice, no dance party. My planned presentations have been cancelled. People can't do funerals, weddings, birthday parties, graduations. They work from home as best they can. They teach their kids from home. We're living apart....and yet....we are living together again, like we haven't done in years. People are playing and calling and talking and singing. 

in the last three weeks, I've attended 5 singing 'circles' online through the tool we call Zoom. EAch time we've had between 10 and 36 singers on the screen at once. And though we don't get to hear ourselves sing together, we are singing together...one person's microphone is on, the rest are muted. ANd we're singing. And we're seeing each other. In case, I was singing with some people I have sung iwth before, in person and some people I haven't sung with before. In case, I was touched to the core by the vision on the screen. Though we aren't sharing the voice, we are sharing the song and the song/prayer is going out over the airwaves still, the soundwaves traveling out all over the world. 

This is not exclusive to our country. People all over the world are singing, drawn to that natural desire to express what is in their hearts and souls and create harmony and peace and love. 

So I drew this picture as a reflection of what I feel during those Zoom screen singing circles. Though the screen is flat, the circle is still real, like the picture.

Song circles are no longer round

Now faces on a flat screen instead

Zoom in the time of quarantine

Brings hearts together still

Weaving the thread that holds us together

With the voice of longing we all share

For that time when we will again be

Holding hands, Touching hearts, Living free. ~ jules, 3/29/2020

Grounding in Nature: Walking Views

Today's blog is a slide show: Walking Views

During this time of COVID-19 and #StayHome, we've been attempting to walk every day. This has helped so much with managing the stress and reminding me of God's grace and abundance. Even now, it is still a beautiful world.

please enjoy my slides here. You can watch it in full screen by clicking on the full screen [ ] icon at the bottom.

Grounding--day 19

Sunday, March 15, 2020

(COVID-19 (aka Corona Virus) global shutdown is in process)

In the last week, almost everything I participate in has been cancelled, shut-down, postponed..etc. Pete and I are regular Sunday church people. It's been part of our life since we met and still is. Today the churches are closed and you can watch some version of it online, without the people. In a couple days all the schools in the state will be closed and we might have an opportunity to help watch grandchildren while our children balance work and health and home. Three days ago, Pete and the Dragonfly Project Board had to make the difficult decision to cancel our 18th Annual Celebration and Remembrance event. After that, I confess, I did a spin around the panic park and got centered on the realization that this virus will affect every single person on this planet in some way, even if they don't get sick. It's a LOT to take in and a LOT to adjust to!

So what to do? How do I begin again?

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait too long for one idea. Yesterday, my spiritual director posted that she was going to take a "prayer walk" this morning with an open invitation for others to join. So this morning, that is just what Pete and I did. We went on a prayer walk at Silverwood Park with my spiritual director. It's about a mile loop around the park. 

As we walked in the cold sunshine, we talked about concerns and a long list of people and circumstances...each thing then became another prayer. We prayed for peace and hope, for people who will be grieving, for those who are isolated, for those who will experience losses small and large (things like lost wedding or graduation parties, no elective surgery so no new knee; things like lost hope). We prayed for those whose health is vulnerable already, for those who will suffer from the isolation, for those who are hungry and cold and homeless and now deal with this added threat. We wondered too how we might step up and help our neighbor. And while we prayed and talked, we breathed the fresh cold air and enjoyed the nurture of nature. 

Afterward, Pete and I took a little extra time to go out to the island where I got some close up pictures of the ice and leaves having their winter time together. For me, the joy of the art these two items create together gave me so much joy. Then we paused quietly to listen to the ice popping on the lake ...the ice creating a sort of Alleluia/Amen to our morning worship.

I think this might be our new Sunday practice, as weather and time permit. 

I pray you find a way to ground yourself back to love during this time of the virus crisis.

peace,

Jules

Grounded: Day 6

Grounding My Self in the Morning:

It's 7:40 a.m. . The sun has just come up and it's shining on my face as I drink my tea and read my book. I've just finished some eggs and toast and almond milk. I've had many mornings like this, hundreds, maybe thousands. And each time the sun comes up and my lips touch the cup of tea and my eyes open to a new day and my ears listen to the silence around the ringing in my ears, my heart feels that tingle, that invitation.

Every new morning grounds me in new beginnings, in the taste and flavor of breakfast, and in the light and quiet of the new day. This is my time, my favorite time of day.

On the downside, I wish I could do everything I want to do in this moment of openness and hope, that I wouldn't need all those hours and minutes to get it all in. I know that by three in the afternoon, I won't feel as energized. On the downside I wish you were here with me to share this moment. And in that thought, tears of gratitude and sorrow both run down my cheeks. I'm grateful to have such a person as you in my life and I'm sorry I can't share this with you right now.

But on the plus side there's so much possibility in this day. And who knows? maybe I'll see you? or talk to you? or have a moment to write? And who knows? maybe there's some unexpected joy in it? And who knows where this the day will take us? And who knows? Maybe this is the day you discover love and I discover strength or a new way to get it all done?

Welcome to my morning! I hope your day is filled with hope, joy, peace and that some moment, like this one, grounds you in Love.

Blessings on you,
Jules

Grounded: Day 1

Ash Wednesday

In my tradition, it is the practice to have worship in the evening on Ash Wednesday, during which ashes in the shape of a cross are rubbed on our foreheads. The ashes are often made by burning the branches of the Christmas trees used during the Advent/Christmas. I have always admired that connection between the birth and the death of Jesus even if it is a bit contrived.

Today is Ash Wednesday, 2020 and once again I have ashes on my forehead. Tomorrow, my book group is going to begin reading "Grounded: Finding God in the World" by Diana Butler Bass. I'm kind of excited that tonight I got grounded, as in dirt rubbed into my face; a reminder of the reality that life is death and death is life. It is a reminder to me that I am of the earth, and that I also am part of the cycle of life that includes dying so that life might continue.

It's a mystery for sure, this dying to live thing. And I don't have all the answers. And I'm sure Diana Butler BAss doesn't either. But I look forward to this time of Lent, when I will give the inward journey a bit more attention and intention.

The term "grounded" is interesting. What does it mean to you to be "grounded?"
What grounds you? How can you build a practice of grounding into your life, a way for you to remember the source of your life, a way to reach in and find nourishment for your soul?

--just jules, 2/26/2020

THE GIFT WITHIN

THE GIFT WITHIN

Close your eyes.
Imagine your favorite place
What does it look like?
What does it smell like?
What does it feel like?
What does it sound like?
Who else is there?
Stay there for awhile and hang out.
Feel the love and the beauty of that place sink into you.

did you know that you carried paradise around inside of you?
Did you know you could visit anytime you want without paying a dime?

The Many Gifts of Friendship

Photo Painting
by Rena Joy, my Amazing Soul Sister

I"m grateful this morning for great friends, who allow me to be, who invite me to be and who defend me even against my own worst judgment, who lift me up to the light and mirror for better reflection. Thank you, thank you!

Cultural Grief, Racism, and Our Stories

Dear reader,

It has been a long time since writing here. Often I have written of very personal parts of my story and I believe I will do that again. Meantime, in the last year, I have given a lot of energy to educating myself on a much bigger topic than my life or my lifetime: racial injustice and racism.

Surprisingly, a lot of this education has come through my participation in my church, which happens to be a very, very white, upper-middle class Lutheran church in a mostly white suburb. After the death of Philando Castille on July 26, 2016, Nativity Lutheran Church in St. Anthony Village made the decision to host more conversations about race. It was no longer possible to pretend that racism was happening somewhere else. As a result, an Anti-Racism team formed at our church. They have been hosting more conversations, looking for ways to help understand where we are, as individuals, as a church, and as a nation, when it comes to treatment of race. It is not a comfortable education. It is not an easy conversation. It is heart-breaking.

Pete and I have been attending movie nights where we have watched both documentaries and Hollywood movies about the history of racial injustice in our country, lessons that were never covered in our history books or our schools. In addition, Pete is currently part of a conversation group that is listening to a podcast call "Seeing White" and then discussing it.

And my Thursday morning book group is reading a book called, "A Good Time for the Truth: Race in Minnesota." This book is a collection of 16 essays, each written by a different person, each of different ethnic groups who live in Minnesota. It was published in 2016. This is not ancient history. These are stories of people that happened in my lifetime, to people who live in my city, whose children maybe went to schools that my children went to.

Today I'm reading the 6th, 7th and 8th essays titled, "Brutal" by Bao Phi, "Say What?" by Carolyn Holbrook, and "Red, White, and Blank" by Heid E. Erdich. With each essay my heart feels the pain, a lump forms in my throat and I feel a little less hopeful for our country, our culture. These people, of my own lifetime, have experienced being falsely arrested, being called names, being bullied, being unreasonably asked to try acting whiter. They've each struggled with what box to check when asked about race on forms.

The more I learn, the more it seems that racism is as much about money as skin color. We brag that we are such an open country, that we welcome the diversity, the poor, the refugees but when they get here, we don't want to really share the wealth with them. So we have to find excuses to not share. And racism gets tangled up with our thoughts on who should have the money, the land, the resources and.

In some ways, I am grateful for the fact that I didn't have to learn all this when I was younger and more vulnerable. And then in the same breath, I am angry for this being kept from us while we went on living as if all was well.

I have a very mixed up experience of race from my childhood. Having been born and grown up in an African country (Madagascar) until the age of 17, I wasn't here in the U.S.A. to know about the first-hand treatment of blacks, native Americans, Asian Americans and Mexicans. And I grew up feeling in my heart that part of me was Malagasy and African even though by blood, I am more Norwegian and my skin is quite fair. When I first settled in to college in Nebraska and then married life in Minnesota, I didn't understand at all why any of these people would still be so angry or that even anyone was still being discriminated against. I had no idea that Hate was still living down the street and across the river. I had no idea that people felt more comfortable with their Hate then with opening their hearts to the beauty of diversity that this nation holds. I believed that America was a magical place that welcomed everyone. But just as many wouldn't guess at my story unless I told them, I was ignorant of theirs. And I have to say, though it brings tears, though I plead with God for mercy after each reading or movie or podcast discussion, I am grateful to at last be hearing the stories and knowing the truth of my neighbors.

It is knowing each stories that will bring us peace and healing. We can't hope to make peace unless we first open our ears and our hearts to knowing each other. It is rather serendipitous that the book we read before this was, "The Book of Forgiving" by Desmond Tutu, who was part of the leadership that created a path to healing and forgiveness in South Africa when they began to move out of the apartheid system. Tutu says the first step is to tell our stories and have them heard.

I confess I am still on step one. I'm still catching up to the stories. I hope some day to know how to take those stories and bring healing in my little part of the world. I hope I find more courage to act when it is time, to speak when my heart tells me to. And most of all, I hope I end up getting to know my neighbors, of every color and background.

I believe that when we begin to really know one another, the hate will begin to evaporate. I believe our stories will help us find compassion and hope. And in the same breath, I still feel a weight on my shoulders. I know it will take all of us to make this happen.

Sending love and light and tears,
Jules

In Honor of Hans Day

 

Hans Day -- September 28, 2019

Tomorrow is 19 years since our dear Hans left this earth. [Hans Peter ~ born 3/24/1989, died 9/28/2000]  He lived with us for 11 years, 6 months and 4 days. In that time, we learned the importance of expressing our passions with each other. Hans was an enthusiastic soul who also had a fiery temper. He left so much passion behind for all of us. He also left us with "I like you and I love you!" as his expression of affection.

In memory of our dear Hans Peter, please find a child (they don't have to be yours) to hug, call, or post in a text or social media. Tell one child today how amazing they are, how creative, how joyful. Look in their eyes and tell them, "I like you and I love you." 

If you cannot find a child, or even an adult to honor, look in the mirror and tell the person you see there how incredible they are and try saying, "I like you and I love you." Try believing it.

It won't take long. Hans & I will be forever grateful. Let's let world's children know how valuable they are! Let's allow them and ourselves some love, some like!

Thanks for your help!

Rocks, Trees, Water and a Camera Chick

July, 30, 2019

Yesterday my husband and I got back from a 5-day camping trip at Devil's Lake State Park in Wisconsin. We figured it was our ninth trip there. We got started the year before one of our sons got married to scope out the wedding venue. The next year they got married on South Shore with their toes in the sand. We've been returning to camp there with our daughter-in-law's family ever since. It's hard to improve on it for a great camping experience. A beautiful little clean lake with tons of swimming space, two incredible bluffs with huge Baraboo quartzite tumbling bolder fields below and enough hiking and climbing to keep everyone happy.

I am out of shape, somewhat overweight and have a cranky ankle and a recent flair-up of plantar fasciitis. So I wasn't sure this was going to go as well as previous trips. But the minute I started setting up camp, the forest started whispering my name. And the second I stepped foot on the trail, I knew I would follow those whispers wherever they lead me. I recently acquired an off-brand fit watch for counting steps. I figure I walked about an average of eight miles each of the five days, some of it up a substantial elevation on the cliffs. But with the wind and the trees singing to me and the rocks offering to carry my weight and the water offering a healing view, how could I resist. So off goes this camera chick with all the much healthier ones for hikes and adventures. I came home sore but with a camera full of treasures. Once again, I found myself falling in love with the original artist--the Creator. Every time I look through that lens I find more color, more design, more intricacy and detail, more life and abundance then I ever thought possible.  And a few times i even caught us humans interacting with that abundance.

My cell phone had no service at this state park but I didn't miss it, although I used it for a camera part of the time. How can you miss it when you are wrapped in the wonder of the art, almost as if stepping into a painting or a book and wandering around in the beauty.

During our stay, we wandered over to Mirror Lake State Park for a nice kayak paddle with our friends, Mike and Tim. And on our way home, we stopped at two more state parks, Rocky Arbor and Mill Bluff where we discovered even more of the Wisconsin jungle and its beauty.

Here is a sample to share with you. I pray that some day you go somewhere with no phone service and get the chance to wallow in such splendor. Enjoy!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW: Rocks, Trees, and Water Photo Album

Where would be without the songs? And the singers of those songs?

Where would I be without the songs? Where would I be without the writers/composers of those songs?

TWO PERSPECTIVES --7 YEARS APART

Checking out life at age 53

My True Self Isn't Always Comfortable (May 29, 2012) 

[I was 53 years old when I wrote this]

Sometimes I wish it wasn't true...that I wouldn't melt so easily...that I could do whatever I wanted without fear, without concern...that I wouldn't be afraid of consequences or how my actions might affect those I love...but then i wouldn't be me. And as it turns out, I am me, so my heart rules, love is more important than being right, kindness is more important that winning, creativity is more important than perfection, making a difference is more important that making a buck. Sometimes I wish I could play by the rules of "getting ahead, being successful, getting recognized, belonging" but then i wouldn't be me. And still, sometimes riding the tension between the extremes gets tiring, sometimes.

Making Friends with My True Self at Sixty (May 29, 2019)

Nearly three months into turning 60, I am loving it. It is not without challenges but mostly I love it. What I am noticing more and more is a growing comfort in my own skin, a growing confidence in the unique set of attributes that make me, me. I'm making friends with my true self. It's kind of amazing! 

Of course this didn't just happen all of a sudden at 60 though. It happened because seeds were planted, watered and cared for. It happened because God and I worked together to let go, to remove the weeds as I had the strength to do so (those lies that were choking me out). Some of that work was hard. Some was joyful. It happened because friends, over a sustained period of time, either showed me who I don't want to be or who I clearly want to be. It happened because someone besides me believed in me and took the time to show up. It was a collaborative effort! 

Inviting the fog to lift and the true self to emerge

And now some things about my true self have become clear. I notice that after a lifetime of hiding my voice in the back of the choir, I am truly happy and at home with my singing voice. It is enough and I don't need it to be more. I just love singing. I notice that even though I never thought I would teach, I love teaching! And even in the challenge and doubt of whether I am doing it right, I love how preparing to teach makes me focus on what's most important, it makes me the best me. I notice that when I read things I wrote 15 to 20 years ago, I love that old me too, even though she still had tons of angst. 

I'm still growing. I'm still making friends with pieces of the puzzle that I have only just discovered. There is more true self to come. And, I still dance with my false self from time to time, when the lies of loneliness and sorrow get a little loud. Even so, I heartily recommend getting older. So far, I'm thinking it's a really good deal! 

May the gift of aging be that you make friends with yourself!

~just jules 

When in Doubt, Be Lazy!

Some days are like this. It's not personal really but it sure feels that way after awhile....

So, it's raining...all day...the kind of rain that should feel cozy and sweet...but...but...argh!

So I decide it's a perfect day to work at my computer...but the computer is slow, won't do anything I want. I've restarted 4 times. the app i want to use just keeps stalling. so I try something else. that's stalling too. I'm starting to get very irritated (that's putting it somewhat milder than the truth).

So I decide the excess anger will be best used cleaning my room. I have to change my sheets because the bottom sheet tore, because...well, never mind. That story is not worth telling. I change the sheets but not without yelling a few colorful phrases. (yes, I do swear sometimes!)

And then I decide to vacuum. But wait, I have to get something from downstairs first. That's when I hear the water alarm. Our basement is leaking! and Pete just put down the rugs yesterday, thinking it was safe!

Then all that extra energy (ahem, anger) leaves the still messy bedroom and heads to the basement to get stuff off the floor. It's quite wet! I work on that as long as it takes two (Pete and I working together) and then I head back to the vacuuming. It starts out okay but I notice it's not sucking things up very good. I turn the vacuum over and all the dirt comes pouring out again! I have no idea how to fix, which is my definition of broken.

Then back to the computer, where the app I want to use is still not working, a complete circle of wasted time and energy. 

Some days are like this! I don't think it is personal but it sure feels like the universe is conspiring to test my fortitude and patience.

So I do the only left that I can do...write down my frustrations. And here I am writing. And just like that my mouth gets a smirk. I'm starting to be amused at how insanely confusing life can be. It suddenly strikes me how no matter how good your intentions are, no matter how flexible and adaptable, you just can't control the outcomes. Sometimes you just don't get dealt the right cards. It's not personal, it's just life.

I did have one thing go well today...the part before I tried to be productive, the lazy party was stunning. I was awesome at that and it went very well. 

So now, with a big grin on my face, I'm thinking...WHEN IN DOUBT, BE LAZY!

Best wishes on your day!

~just jules, 5/27/19

Happy Mother's Day!

As far back as I can remember (5 years old, maybe) I wanted to be a mom.

And then I met Pete (at college) and I knew right away he'd be a great dad

And then we were lucky enough to have 4 amazing wonderful boys and the means for me to stay home full time as they grew (about 20 years)

Nothing else in my life will ever compare to the joy, the challenge and the wonder of this gift of my children. I am so grateful to Pete for partnering in parenting with me! It's been the best adventure!

Mom & me, only 1 day old.

And, I owe my gratitude to these boys (Jacob, Karl, Hans, Luke) who in many, many ways helped transform me into the person I am today. Thank you! Thank you! I am still learning from them as they become such incredible men.

I also owe deep gratitude to my own mother, Camilla, who was the first to teach me the tenderness of the heart! 

And I am deeply grateful to my sister, Vangie, who in many ways was my 2nd mother. In many ways, she has been the one who has kept our family connected. 

My sister & me,  around 9 months

And then there are my other mothers-- Ethyl Anderson, Mama Jim, Vivien Wells, Grandma Quanbeck, Lorraine Bergstrand Schneider and of course the amazing and fabulous Charlotte Bonde, who raised my husband and has cared for me in more ways than I can begin to list. And there are many others who nurtured me in the absence of my mother all those years at boarding school and all these years since her passing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am still learning from you all as I reflect on the task of nurturing and caring for others; including myself.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you who nurture and care for others in the world!

Strangers in Our Own Land

I wonder if we're aren't all strangers
in our own land
throughout our lives
wondering how anyone
could be as strange as we are
seems like it takes a lifetime
to accept the embrace of enough
that being ourselves is enough

when I look at you,
I never think,
"you should be more"
I just think,
"What exquisite beauty!
What luck that I have met you!"

perhaps it is time to offer ourselves
the same kindness
to open our arms up
to our own strangeness
welcome our own beauty

just a thought....from jules

REFLECTING ON 60!

Jules, Julie, JJ, Julieannabelle--thru 60 years!

Reflecting on and with 60!

Yesterday, a new number came knocking at the door. I said, "who is it?" "60!" was the response. I opened the door and welcomed her in. I asked what she was doing here and how had she chosen my door. She said, "that is what happens when you live this long and it's your birthday! I show up." And then I asked what she had to offer me on this momentous occasion. She said, "Love, Joy, and Gratitude." Intrigued, I asked if she would stay for tea so we talk more. We talked for hours and I gained some new insight into this new number in my life.

We talked about the older women in my life and what they did after 60 arrived. I was touched by this review of glorious womanhood in my family and friends. We laughed at the silly things I had done, some of which were stupid mistakes. We covered all the good and the hard. We talked about the things I carried forward with me into this time, things that have always been my treasures and have grown deep in me. We read some of my poetry from those other decades and found pieces of these treasures there. We talked about my dreams and my current loves in my life...great friends, good work, a wonderful husband, amazing children, beautiful grandchildren and God's love and grace.

After all that, I was still tempted to complain a little, to say I "should" have more to show for my sixty years, to say I should be younger still...but 60 stopped me. That's when she said something I hadn't expected. 

She said, "Your earned your years, fair and square...given all the struggles, parenting, friendships, jobs, marriage and extended family, given all the loss, the grieving, the heartache, illness, surgery, worry, given all  the accomplishments, the prayers and praises and thousands of photographs....You've earned those sixty years fair and square. They are NOT an abomination but a gift! How lucky you are to still be here and have hope for more and desire still for all of it! I'll be happy to stay and celebrate with you. Perhaps we can even have a party."

I laughed! and nodded yes. Of course! I am glad I opened the door and invited her in, although I suspect she might have found another way in anyway. I look forward to spending more time with this year, pondering who I want to continue growing into, pondering the fun and the joy and the adventures I still have coming. 

I am certain that part of that pondering will be focused on the many people who have crossed my path and offered me this rich and glorious life!

If you're reading this, you're likely one of those people. Thank you for showing up, for sharing your life with me! I am so grateful!

Happy 60th to me!

love, jules

WHAT IS ABOUT TREES?

What is about trees that grabs my attention so?

Branches reaching up and out
perfectly organized and tangled 
in a crochet knot
against the blue sky

Bark that thickens 
and hardens and breaks
as the heart bursts open 
as life fattens the tree's torso

Roots that grab on and hold
reaching deep and wide for stability
for nutrients and water

Leaves budding long before spring
unfold at just the right moment
color everything to a rich warm velvety green
and then fire up orange just before they fall away

Shadows of the wise 
and wonderful neighbors
cast intriguing reflections 
on snow and sand and water

Tempting me to look up to them
for inspiration for my perfectly organized and tangled mess
for courage to allow my heart to crack open as I grow
and a reminder to reach deep and wide.

in honor of the TINY HOUSE movement!

One of our traditions at Christmas time is Family Day, which we celebrate on a day when everyone can make it. This year, we went bowling, played with trains, and made gingerbread houses among other things.

Here is the "gingerbread house" village we made a week ago. [note: I didn't splurge and make real gingerbread this year..we just used graham crackers and accessories]. You'll see that some people thought big, and some smaller. 

So this morning (a week later mind you!) I found a bulb of frosting sitting on my kitchen counter, that still had some left. Suddenly I was inspired  to make one more. So here, in honor of tiny houses everywhere, is my one-minute creation.

I guess the Teddy Grahams decided to move to a tiny house!

YESTERDAY IS ALREADY OURS!

January 2, 2019 (when the real work starts of moving forward)

Dear Friends,

It's the morning after the morning after, January 2nd, when we have to truly head back to work, and remember to put the correct year on our checks, if indeed we still write checks. For me today, that meant reviewing the chapters for discussion at my book group gathering tomorrow morning. We've been reading "The Other Side of Chaos: Breaking through when life is breaking down" by Margaret Silf. It's a fantastic book to read on your own, very useful for your inner work AND also very useful for dialog with others. I highly recommend you read it...no matter your age or circumstance. 

My favorite part of the reading this week is Chapter 14: Yesterday is Already Ours! And rather than do too much commentary, I thought I'd just share my favorite quotes from this chapter (see below). Silf manages to hit the nail on the head for me...getting at what holds me back most often..the fear of losing what I had. What a hopeful thought, that we can't lose what is already ours because we carry it forever in our hearts! I believe that now! And I'm glad for her way of reminding me of that.

I hope you read the book and I pray you'll be able to move forward knowing that what you treasure most can never be taken from your heart.

Blessings on you as you lean into the new year!   ~ jules (1/2/19)

• But what struck me most about Cadfael’s comment was his affirmation that “yesterday is already ours.” One of our biggest fears, and the cause of so much resistance to change, is that we think we are on the verge of losing, irrevocably, what we value from our past. Yes, like Cadfael, we have a past. To be human is to have a past. Some of that past may be about things we wish we could put behind us forever and wipe clean from the slate of memory. Other things we cherish and dread losing. To embrace the unknown future that change and transition hold out to us is, we feel, to risk losing all that we have invested our lives in so far.
• "Don’t be afraid that in letting go you are losing anything at all, because everything that matters, from this time of graced encounter, or from any other experience in your life, has been internalized and is firmly lodged in your heart. It is yours. It is a part of you. It travels with you and can never be lost.”
• Nothing can take from us the gift of all that our past has given us.
• We can’t lose it, and it will play a crucial part in shaping our future.
• The big question for me is this: when I look at the cherished item that I am trying to carry through the shifting scenes of my life, am I trying to turn back the clock, or am I just wanting to remind myself that the past is still an active part of me?
• The past is already ours; these photos and mementos remind us daily that this treasure that was ours is not lost but carried with us, not just in our bags but in our hearts. And the future is ours, too, to explore and, we hope, to make a contribution to. This isn’t nostalgia. This is wisdom.

And questions from Margaret Silf to ponder:

What treasure from your own past experiences or relationships do you feel has been internalized and forever absorbed into your heart? Notice how it continues to enrich you. It has been said that our memories are like a garden from which we can never be expelled. Which memories in your soul’s garden are life-giving, making you feel more fully alive in the present moment and more hopeful for the future? Is there anything that you cling to from the past that you feel may be holding you prisoner in false nostalgia and blocking your way ahead? The yearning to go back to what has passed can take over our consciousness to the extent that we actually fail to see, let alone respond to, the beckoning of the future and the joys and challenges of the present moment. Do you detect any symptoms like these in your present situation? 

THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules

Writing Workshop--Last Chance to Sign up

Writing as Spiritual Practice

Saturday, October 6, 2018--9:30 am to 3pm.

at Christos Center for Spiritual Formation

FIND OUT MORE and REGISTER HERE!

Whether you are an experienced writer or just want to try this for a day, you are welcome. I will offer a variety of exercises to help you listen the voice within.

$45 includes a workbook.
Please bring your own bag lunch. Coffee/Tea provided.

Jules