STRANGERS IN OUR OWN LAND

I wonder if we're aren't all strangers

in our own land

Throughout our lives wondering,

How anyone could be as strange as we are?

It seems like it takes a lifetime to accept the embrace of enough--

that being ourselves is enough

When I look at you,

I never think you should be more.

I just think, "What exquisite beauty! what luck that I have met you!"

Perhaps it is time to offer ourselves the same kindness;

to open our arms up to our own strangeness.

just a thought....from jules

April 3, 2014

STAYING AT HOME (Grounding in Home)

STAYING AT HOME / GROUNDING IN HOME
April 12, 2020 [it's been almost 30 days since we started closing down and sheltering at home during the Coronavirus/COVID-19 crisis]

Officially, during the last 4 weeks, we have been under a "Stay at Home" order in Minnesota. Some call it "lockdown," some call it "sheltering at home," some call it "sabbath," hmmmm. I guess what you call it depends on your perspective. Officially, I can't write in my journal right now without having this situation be part of my thoughts. Quite simply, the COVID-19 crisis has affected everyone and everything I know, except love. Love is a constant.

Coincidentally, my book group started reading and discussing "Grounded: Finding God in the World, A Spiritual Revolution" by Diana Butler Bass in mid-February. After being derailed for a couple weeks, I invited the group to meet with me on Zoom to connect and discuss the book. Also, coincidentally, the chapter we discussed last Thursday is called "Home." Butler Bass does a great job of thoroughly covering the subject of home (ancient history to modern times including Bible and church effects on home) except she doesn't cover what home might come to mean to us after a mass quarantine such as we are in the middle of. Truthfully, I don't know the answer to that either but I do have some thoughts I'd like to share.

So what is home? Where do you live? How do you define home? What does it mean for you? I agree with Butler Bass that these are sacred questions. So I ask, what does 'Stay at Home' mean for your heart?

The beach I grew up on in Madagascar

Home as a Place: In my early years, home was plain and simply Madagascar (the island on the other side of the world, not the movie). The whole island, which is as large as Texas, felt like home to me. The climate, the people, the food, the earth, everything felt like home. It is the place of my birth, which is often our early definition of home. In particular, the ocean was home to me. The ocean is constantly moving and changing, always another wave coming in and in that changing, there is life you can count on. I always feel better in my heart, like I am home when I am near the ocean. The second best is being near any other body of water. Home is a place where my feet can wade in the water and know there is life, there is breath, there is another day.

Home as Family: It gets messier when you start thinking about home and family as being synonyms. It's messy because family is messy. My parents loved each other and the world. They also loved their faith life. To the best of their ability, they tried to create home for us, a place where we could grow in love and faith. My dad as a missionary pastor enthusiastically shared his faith with us. My own faith journey starts with my parents. In many little ways, my parents are why I feel so connected to my own spiritual grounding. God's love and grace is home to me.

the HOME, Missionary Children's Home

But, (with family there is always a but) we all went off to boarding school when we were 5 or 6. In fact my siblings were already there when I was born. So the messy of my family is that we never really lived together all in one place, as a family. Then the kids and adults at boarding school became a second family to me, one just as messy. In fact our boarding school was affectionately called "the Home," short for Missionary Children's Home. There was the girls I had as a roommates who still feel more like siblings than my family of origin. There were the houseparents who were there when I was sick, who heard me give my first speech and my first piano recital and all that. And there was the fact the missionary family were are always coming and going, so one could never sink roots too deep. You had to be ready for the next goodbye.

Then when I came back to the states both of those families evaporated. Once in America, my parents and siblings ended up living coast to coast and all in different states. It is hard to build relationship from a distance. The same was true of my classmates and peers from boarding school. For awhile and even still, it often has felt like I am an orphan, without a family. Dad and Mom died 33 and 13 years ago respectively. At moments I have even been jealous of friends' siblings fighting, thinking "at least you have a sibling to fight with." I did get a new family though. I married my dear husband straight out of college, when we were 22. Part of the attraction was that he had a family, a very grounded and solid one. The Bonde family has been such a gift to this orphan. I've been able to graft my heart on to their solid vine and have some roots as a result. And that's helped Minnesota to feel a bit like home.

Pete & I at home.

I wanted so badly to have family, that I had four kids and then became what is called at "homemaker," a stay-at-home mom. Yes, that's me! I built a whole career, a whole life on stay-at-home. I haven't always like the moniker 'homemaker' but it really does describe it. I didn't just find a home, I created one. And I didn't do it alone. I had help from Pete and my friends and later, my kids. So that's an interesting twist to this combining of family and home. Do you find home or do you create home or is it both? I found Pete to be my home AND Pete and I created a home together.

Home as Relationship and Community: Had you asked me in 1976, where I would make a home in the USA, I would not have said, "Minnesota." It is not my climate at all. I want something closer to the tropics. It is as far away from the ocean as you can get in this country. There are no mountains. My siblings aren't here. But after 39 years of living here, I find myself feeling more and more home. And the reason is not the climate or the river but the people. As time goes by, I find more and more that people are my home. Church is home because it's full of people earnestly searching for a common way of love and forgiveness, people supporting each other, accepting each other. Community song circles are home because they are full of people, bravely willing to live authentically and wholly, offering their pure hearts in song. Writing circles are home, for the same reason. My close friends are home because they invite me to be me. My children and grandchildren are home, each carrying a piece of me in them. And each of them loving me in spite of my mistakes. My husband, Pete, is home. With him, I am truly and wholly myself, in all my dark and light moods. With him. I am home.  Home is the people. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else now because so many of my people live here.

And that brings me back to the corona virus crisis and the order to stay home. I have had moments of naked loneliness because I'm not seeing my people. And I've had moments of deep gratitude that I have people to miss. I've also had time to find the home, the place of center and grounding in me and had time to breathe into the home of my soul. I'm not happy about the crisis but I am grateful for the invitation to breathe within. The question is can I be at home in my heart, soul? Can I be at peace and not afraid of just being with myself? Can we be home in just being? and not always doing?

Other definitions of home: Diana Butler Bass has several definitions of home in her chapter. Here are some of them:

• Home is more than a house (p. 166).
• Home is the geography of our souls (p. 166).
• Home is a place where we belong (p. 167).
• Home is a place where God meets us (p. 167)
• Home is where the heart is (p 172)…the abiding place of our affections.
• Home is the location that shelters our lived experience, but also holds our memories and shapes our desires. (p. 172)

What is your definition of home? How are you being invited to "stay home" during this time of isolation and social distancing? Where do you find home? Where do you live? Who invites you to feel safe at home within?

I pray that as you leand into this time of social distancing, you find peace and health in your home and in your heart.

~Jules

The Fleeting Thought

I sent a thought out into the breeze

and it blew away like dandelion seeds

I could watch it go for a second or two

and then it was gone

now what do i do?

It was a brilliant thought, if I recall

But of course I don't remember at all

I can only briefly and brilliantly surmise

that it was something amazing

for I am quite wise

If only wisdom and memory could meet

If only they sang songs together so sweet

then I'd remember why I started this poem

now where was I going?

I guess I'll forget this one

~ Jules, April 30, 2017

Kindness

Tonight, I was answering Dragonfly Project customer service mail. I'm not always as responsive as I could be but tonight I had an opportunity to offer some kindness to someone who had accidentally ordered the wrong thing. So I took the time to write a special note back to them. I don't know if it will make a difference but in the moment I thought of all the times people, for no other reason than kindness and generosity, offered me some grace.

My friend Barbara McAfee has this song "Kindness" that I just love. I've been fortunate to sing this song with her and others several times. I have to say it is a song that has gotten under my skin. I especially love this line "if those who owed us nothing, gave us nothing, how poor we'd be. The very source of life itself is generosity."

It's true! Where would be without the generosity of strangers? How would have ever made it this far with kindness and generosity? So often, we are encouraged to be focused on our selves. what do we need? What will best for us? Well, along the way I've discovered that sometimes what is best for me is to be generous and kind to a person, perhaps even someone I don't know. It's not just a gift to them but a gift to myself to add some love to the universe. Maybe this is the way my heart gets a chance to grow. Whatever the case, I hope my gesture helped in some way.

You can listen to Barbara's song here:

UPDATE: I heard back from the customer, who was grateful for the extra personal contact. She plans to  order more cards from us. And she feels her heart has been heard. Kindness. It's a powerful thing.

Jewels in the Darkness

I love my life! even when it means listening to sad stories, or struggle. I've heard plenty in the last few days. People hurting each other, people in pain, people feeling lonely and scared, people dying too young. In addition, I've been working on a memorial photo slide show for the Annual Dragonfly Project Celebration and Remembrance event. So for the past several days I've spent about thirteen hours staring at the faces of people who have died and feeling that grief that their loved ones feel.

Sometimes being human is hard and painful, scary and disappointing. Sometimes, despite our efforts things don't go like we want. And yet there is light. There is hope. As I'm listening, I'm looking in their eyes and right there are the jewels of hope. In those precious eyes I see love determined to not let go, I see passion ready to break through walls, I see hope. I hear it in the way the voice wavers for a bit and then continues. The voice bravely moving through the struggle to speak the truth, to say the words that need to be heard. I feel it in the intensity of the emotion. Here is a person who has very strong feelings. The intensity is a sure sign that love is at work, that love wants to win this one. There is hope.

And as I work with the photos of loved ones who have died, I am touched deeply by all the lives all these people have touched, leaving behind love--love enough to make them remember, love enough to honor and grieve for. There is hope even in grief.

Even so, I cry. And even in that, there is hope. It is a sign that my heart is still at work too, that compassion still lives in me. And that is hopeful.

So I still love my life. And I am grateful for each person whose path has crossed mine this week. Thank you for seeing me, for sharing your heart with me, for trusting me with your pain, and for letting me see the light in the darkness, the jewels in your eyes.

My good friend Barbara McAfee wrote this song "Jewels." my favorite line from that is "Every time I go into the darkness, I return with fists full of jewels." She is right! I do! and in my case, I also return with fists full of Jules. Pieces of me are healed and brought to life.

It is my prayer, my longing, that somehow my presence and my listening offers some hope in return, that there is some light shining through, some jewel for each of you to take with you.

I want to share this song with you and hope it blesses you as it has blessed me. And I pray that LOVE will help you find your jewels in the darkness.

Thank Barbara McAfee for the song! You can find more about Barbara at barbaramcafee.com

The Basement Excavation: the 100th Box!

“Letting go is hard (really hard) but sometimes holding on is harder.” ~ Anonymous quote.

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on” ~ Eckhart Tolle

What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think - or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am? Brene Brown

_______________________________________________________

(NOTE: I did not say last box...I said 100th box!)

Today, just today, I went through my 100^th box! Of the boxes I have gone through, I have emptied 62 boxes! This means that most of those 62 boxes has ended up in the recycling bin by our garbage…and a few have made it to the thrift store. I am 8 weeks in to my commitment to attack 2 boxes per day. Of the boxes that are not empty, an additional 15 are scheduled to be given to other people; mostly old Malagasy books. And though I still have umpteen photo/negatives/slide boxes to go through, I am pausing to celebrate my progress.

Wow! The 100^th box! When I started I was very skeptical about getting even this far. I didn’t even count the boxes past 100 because I never believed I’d make it that far. This is amazing, so miraculous! I am not even sure that I can take credit for it even though I have felt each box in my bones and heart as I’ve sorted and emptied. A lot of tears have been shed. A lot of deep breaths have been let go. There have been many days when the instinct to hold on was stronger than the the need to let go. I can honestly say I am getting better at it though. Little by little I’m beginning to feel the power of letting go like Eckhart Tolle says in his quote (see above). Little by little, I am beginning to notice that along with the stuff, I’m letting go of old definitions of strength, of family, of connections. I’m letting go of what people think, of perceived expectations and focusing more on what I need to do to be healthy, what my family needs. Little by little, I am beginning to believe that my life after this will be freer, lighter; that I won’t be carrying this burden of stuff so I’ll have room to give more of my heart to other adventures.

So I am nearing the end of going through boxes of papers (which were mostly letters and scrapbook savings). Soon I will be going through a couple dozen boxes of old photos/slides/negatives. As I head that direction, I want to offer my gratitude to all of those who have offered me support and understanding in this process. I never dreamed I would get this far. Thank you!

~Jules

LIFE IS JUST MESSY

This idea that if we are on the right track, all things align and if we are on the wrong track, all things are bumpy is a myth. Bad things happen to bad people and to good people.. Life is just messy. I am no more immune from these mishaps than you. What we perceive as good things happening, also seems to be sometimes random and sometimes purposeful.

Breathe easy my friend. We are all in this mess together. The magic is not in the success or failure but in the way LOVE flows through us, bringing healing in every situation, bringing wholeness and connection. The magic is not that I didn't get ill this winter but that through the illness my heart was drawn to tenderness and trust and love once again. The miracle is that when I needed it, my body told me to rest and I listened.

I don't mean to keep repeating myself about my experience with Hans but I learned a lot from that day in 1999 when the radiologist told me my 10-year-old son had a brain tumor. Up to that point, I had all the ingredients of a "successful" and "blessed" life--happy marriage to my best friend, wonderful healthy children, enough money to allow me to stay home with them, an active church community, good schools, and good friends and nearby family. I thought I had it made. Does the cancer and all the fall-out from it mean that I was on the wrong track? Does the fact that my son died, 16 months later, mean that my prayers weren't heard? and the list of questions goes on.

This is an extreme example and that's why I bring it up. When I look back on my son's life and death and all that has transpired since, all I feel is love and gratitude. Would I take my son back in heartbeat? YES. Would I trade places with him? YES> Would I trade my heart back to that woman i was before he he got cancer? NO. LOVE prevailed even if luck did not. Certainly then, Love can overcome my error on those days when it seems like all I do is folly and the entire universe seems to be calling me a "loser!"

I believe in a force more powerful than any mistake I can make or evil that can fall upon me. I believe in God's creative and redeeming LOVE, a force so amazing that it even touches the crazy and tangled Jules...me!

Sending you love and grace,

jules

All will be well

Preparing for a Sunday of worship and singing---

I stretch to release the "should's" and "damn's" that haunted my sleep.
Then I settle in to drink my cup of tea
and listen to my "soothing" station on Pandora
Gentle piano and guitar tunes calm the turbulent seas
Remind me that somewhere the music is always playing
Remind me that God, that Love knows a secret
that our conscience does not
All is well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well

While I'm sipping and eating eggs, appropriately scrambled,
I read an op-ed piece in the paper written by a young adult
(It's about how he studied race and psychology and then spent six months
in Tanzania teaching kids how to use computers in a farming village and how he discovered race doesn't matter, but relationships do)
It reminds me that somewhere hearts are always connecting
Reminds me that deep inside there is a secret
just waiting to be unlocked
the secret that all is well,
the all will be well
that all manner of things will be well

My dear friend
I invite you to take a moment today
to listen to the music
to see the beauty
to notice love at work
and unlock that secret in your heart
May all be well

~Love, Jules 10/12/14

FIRE

this passion
burning deep within
consumes the trash heaped upon it
returning to dust and ashes
underbrush, dead branches,


life's longing for tomorrow
fueled by yesterday's adventure
this fire of love and forgiveness
burning everything
that stands in the way
creating space for the new
transforming life into life

(photos taken by jules while burning the brush pile at my mother in law's house)

BURSTING

This is me holding back....

I am bursting to the seams
Filling with, falling into, wallowing in love
Waves of gratitude overwhelm me
as the awareness of the present moment sinks deeper
tiny atoms are dancing to the tune within each cell
Cells are filling with joy
all of IT spilling out, expanding
I can't grasp this abundance all at once
anymore than I can embrace the depth of sorrow all at once
What if suddenly the last 10 years of your life
created a masterpiece of wonder on your wall?
What if all the doubt, the fear, the rejection,
what if all the hope, the tidbits of wisdom
what if all the ways I thought I screwed up
All the ways I was devastated and alone
what if all those things merged into one?
What if all of it is just another molecule, another atom,
a drop of water, A teaspoon of salt, a scale,
a weed, a flower, a tail, sand, rocks, volcanoes
What if all of it is just the ocean, the land the planets and us?
what if I really am here?
What ir you are really here?
And we are one, one joy, one sorrow, one delight, one life,
what if we could really touch each other, really exchange wows
What would you share? Would yesterday show up to bow?
Would tomorrow grab your hand to dance?
Would today this moment lift us both past cloud nine?
love, hope, and yes, even darkness transforms us.
I'm bursting to the seams, another transformation shaping me
Will I grow wings? Will I suddenly run on all fours?
Will I take up gills and swim around the globe?
Or will I melt into the me I suspected was there all along
simple, joyful, present?

There's more but....here comes another wave....got dive in!

sending LOVE, JOY & GRATITUDE,

Jules, 1/28/2014

A blessing for All Saints Day

November 1, 2013--all Saints' Day

The definition of "saint" according to dictionary.com is "a person of great virtue, holiness, and benevolence." Well then I had to look up virtue, holiness and benevolence.Then words like "moral excellence, goodness, righteousness" and "sacred, pious, devote" and "charitable, kind." Wow! How does any one human or otherwise, manage all that?!? Do you suddenly feel as if an impenetrable brick wall is before you? If so, you are in good company. Even many of the so called saints have had those same feelings. The truth is we are all saints and sinners...and even more than that, we are stew...made up of all the parts, onions, meat, root vegetables, greens, spices and water. In fact it is when we throw all the parts together that a delicious stew is created. Perhaps that could be the definition of saint...a person who has become delicious stew.

Anyway, however you feel about your holiness, here is a blessing for you this day:

Oh sweet and messy one
May the fog lift so you can see

May the guilt fall through the cracks

May your disappointment melt into the ground

As your wings stretch out and unfurl

And your heart opens to the morning sun

A fresh new day, each day a fresh new you being born

Perhaps life is nothing more than that

A series of short (24 hour) lives in which

Stretching your arms out wide

and singing yourself a tune

You experience the joy of testing flight

The delight of tasting the delicious messiness of the stew

All the onions and veggies, meat and water mixed together

My dear and wonderful human being

All of you is love and loved

You are delicious stew

All of you

blessings on you,

jules

THIS NEW DAY

Monday, October 14, 2013

I LOVE mornings! This is something that I inherited from my parents. I know this because the few times I've had reunions with my siblings, all of us have been awake and drinking tea by 7:30 am. and this is in spite of the fact that they are much older than me so we weren't growing up in the same decade. Of course, with mom and dad it was coffee but the same idea. My dad would often start his day with reading his Bible. Little did I know then, that he too had a contemplative nature. He was a pastor and often preached about the dailiness of the spiritual life. He would say that each day we were born anew to begin again with a fresh and clean slate. So no matter what had passed the day before, it was forgiven and gone. And I felt that. Generally speaking, Mom and Dad did not hold grudges. They held worries but not grudges. We were forgiven and life moved on. I think that's part of why I love mornings so much. Each day is a new beginning. 

Certainly, this does not make me lovable to all those who crawled out of bed grudgingly this morning. I know that some of you have so much pain in your body, the idea of moving in the morning is a daunting thing. I know that some of you will start this day starving for sleep that you were unable to embrace for any number of reasons. I know that some of you are carrying such grief or trauma, another day of carrying on also seems more of a challenge than any move can muster. Even I have sore, plantarfaciitus/arthritic feet that scream when I first step on them in the morning. I too have concerns and a to-do list that are bigger than this day. Each person carries a load with them. Life can be hard and another day of it can seem impossible.

Still, I invite you to consider that this new day has new possibilities. I invite you to consider that yesterday's mistakes and guffaws really are forgiven, that no grudge is being held against you. You are free to begin again in whatever small or large way you can. And you are loved and adored even if today all you do is just sit and listen to music or watch the leaves fall. 

I invite you to consider that this day is your precious gift and you are one of this day's precious gifts. Not only are you enough for this day, you are also a gift to this day. For sure you are one of the gifts of my day.

so just breathe. 

I am grateful you are here. Thank you.

And, thanks for reading.

love, jules

Let's Keep Singing

My deepest desire is to sing in harmony with all that is within me and around me. I want the notes that are my life to create a harmonious vibration with yours. This desire is sometimes hard to live with; sometimes I lose my voice, sometimes I get off the beat and lose my place; sometimes I lose your voice; sometimes all I can hear is the cacophonous noise of my own doubting and fearing heart. In those dissonant moments I cringe, my chest gets tight and it is tempting to just stop singing, to stop trying to live in harmony. But if we can just hang in there a little bit longer, the dissonance resolves itself and we find ourselves singing harmony once again. And what a sweet song that is when we get there. Whether today is a dissonant day or a harmonious day, let’s keep singing. I can’t carry this tune without you.

in gratitude for your voice,

 jules

Sunlight and Shadows

"Sunlight and Shadows playing a game
They're playing games on my window pane."

These are the lyrics to an old, old song I used to hear in my childhood...not that I'm old, old but my parents were. So I just had this simple thought in my early morning dreaming today. As we walk this labyrinth of life's choices and experiences, we gradually learn to embrace both the darkness and the light. And then we begin to see the beautiful intricate designs and paintings that the sunlight and shadows have created on the path behind. I believe this is the amazing experience of being here on this planet...learning to embrace both light and darkness, learning to face the truth of it all, to forgive and to rejoice in the gift.

Peace to all; especially those with the courage to face the darkness within and see the truth!

Blessings on you,

jules