THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules

The Sacredness of a Cup of Tea (or Coffee)

"A cup of tea becomes sacred time when shared with the heart of another." ~ Jules

There are some things one can't write in a public forum because there are people's privacy to protect. So many times, I have wanted to write a blog about an incredible person who has crossed my path but to share the magic of that I’d be sharing personal things about them that might not be helpful to share in public. And other times, I've been tempted to write something not so nice which I quickly realize won't help and is most likely coming from my own unmet expectations.

Perhaps that's why it is so important that we not just write and post and Twitter and Facebook but that we meet face to face, one on one or in trusted circles to share our deeper and messier and lovelier selves. When I find out who the real you is, with all the bumps and pimples and all the bravery and courage, I am even more inspired than I was when I first saw the twinkle and shine in your eyes. It has often been said that "misery loves company" and it is true. It really does help to vent our misery with others AND to discover that we are not alone in it. What we don't notice as often is that "joy loves company" too. Joy shared is gratitude that finds its way to your bones and lives. When we share our vulnerability, when we give voices to our gratitude, it becomes an abundance and that makes the world a better place.

Which brings me to why I haven't been writing more in my blog lately. I have plenty to say but right now I am focusing more energy on in-person, face-to-face meetings; spending more time with real people, with real messes and real victories to share. This is partly the gift of summer and more freedom to get out. (My work increases during the school year) And I Love it. I LOVE, love what happens to my heart, my soul when the real story is shared in real time. I love how the Holy Spirit begins to show up too. I know it takes time, but it is totally worth it. I hope I can keep making time for this.

So, this is an open invitation to you. Consider contacting someone you would like to talk to and setting up a real conversation, maybe add a cup of coffee or tea. Perhaps if we all spend more time sharing our SORROW AND our JOY, we'll stop pushing against each other and instead find ourselves inspired, encouraged and praying for one another.

And now I'm off to share the privilege of time with a friend.

~Jules, 8/28/18

Free Again

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

my African violet celebrating freedom to bloom in winter

Today marks the first day in awhile that both Pete and I feel free. Not free in the sense that we have no obligation but at long last, are not confined by cancer, sinus infection or nasty viruses to a particular diet or bed or part of the house. 

Pete, had Phase 2 have his Papillary Thyroid Cancer treatment the last four weeks which ended yesterday. This consisted of three weeks of a low iodine diet followed by three days of thryoid hormone shots. After that he swallowed a radioactive iodine pill which forced him to stay overnight in the hospital and then be sequestered in his own part of the house once I brought him home. We could look at each other from a distance but couldn't touch. Pete couldn't touch any of the utensils I was going to use to eat so I had to serve him everything. As of today, this is all over!

Meantime, I contracted a nasty virus that led to a nasty sinus infection. For this same three weeks, I have spent more than half my time flat on my back in bed and some of my time caring for my grandson, who started antibiotics the same day as me. I figure in that time I used upwards of 600 kleenex tissues, and sucked about 75 cough drops, not to mention all the drugs and tea and soup. And I coughed so much I got sore stomach. Sunday was my first day out in public. I'm still blowing but the pain and headache are gone and the energy has returned. And no more cough drops!

So today, is freedom day! For the first time in ages, I feel like getting up and accomplishing something. And Pete was up and off to work at the crack of dawn. There's something so magical about the first day you wake up well after a long confinement. It feels as if I've been reborn, like I have been given another chance at life. Outside the temperatures are dropping below the zero mark, the land and some cars are freezing up and refusing to go. Inside, where all dreams are born, it is spring and green. The winter flowers are ready to burst. I'm having delusions of grandeur, of a clean house, one that is finely decorated for the holidays and all my papers sorted and my ducks in a row. I'm dreaming of holiday parties and gifts and writing my annual letter. Okay, that is a little grandiose but let me have my moment please!

Meantime, I hope each and everyone of you gets to stay healthy over the winter and holidays and that you have a moment to celebrate the freedom this health offers you. 

I'm free again! We are free again!

Happy Hans Day!

Hans Peter Bonde....(March 24, 1989--September 28, 2000)....Leaving us with Joy Forever

Winning the Lottery!

July 21, 2016

In 1959 I was born into a beautiful and loving family. I am just so grateful that I landed there. My parents were in their forties, about 10 to 15 years older than my friends and peers. My siblings, (all 5 of them) were off at boarding school, 700 miles away. [my parents were Lutheran missionaries on the island of Madagascar from 1948 to 1976 and boarding school was part of that experience] My mom and I flew down to introduce me to them when I was 6 weeks old, the first of many attempts at family reunions--with intention to be family together. But as it turned out, we never really did live together except for a few vacations here and there. There weren't as many gatherings as we wanted. Like the others, I went to boarding school too, when i was in first grade and on from there. And then after college, each of us in turn spread our wings and flew far and wide and now live in 5 different states and coast to coast.

As I look back over the last 57 years, there have been a lot of tear-filled nights and days, longing for my family, wishing I could live with them and praying that one day, I would have a family to really belong to. This being apart has influenced both my mistakes and my wholehearted decisions. It's been my deepest pain and most exquisite gift.

Three weeks ago was our most recent family reunion. We all (all 6 of us siblings) came together (plus a few spouses and children) to spend a week together. It was amazing! It was loving and it was, for a few days, that feeling of family. We did more story-telling than ever before. We spent more time together. I found myself returning to that deep gratitude, for landing there, in that place 57 years ago. We've all grown up a lot, we're all in our wisdom years and now in addition to loving each other, we have the grace to just be together and enjoy the moments when we can. I am filled with love and gratitude for that week.

I can't stop  there though. I have to include another reunion that happened the week before when I spent a week with 7 women that I have known since birth as all of us grew at boarding school together, all of us close to the same age. We had a reunion at one of their homes and spent a week, laughing, talking, crying and just wallowing in this space of friendship and this feeling of family; adopted family. I can't believe the kindness and support and generosity I felt that week. I can only begin to express my gratitude for that.

And there's more! because after both of these reunions I went to practice with my hospice/comfort choir [Morning Star Singers]. And in those first few notes of harmony, I felt so at home, more myself perhaps than I feel anywhere else in the world. This is my tribe too, these gorgeous hearts that live so lovingly, that blend so beautifully, that fight to keep kindness and peace int he world with their presence.

And there's even more! In a few days, I will celebrate 35 years of wonderful, joyful, amazing marriage and friendship with my husband Pete. I can't believe I got so lucky! he is truly one of earth's most treasured gifts. And with him came another entire clan who took me in and cared for me. And with him came our beautiful children and grandchildren. In addition I have great friends who have stood by me through thick and thin.

I feel today as if I've won some secret lottery. And like any winner I am crying with tears of joy. I've won it all! --Family, partnership, marriage, friends and time to enjoy them!

How many ways is there to say thank you? and grateful? I thought perhaps this old picture of me would do the trick. In honor of all those who have touched my heart and my life, I raise my hands to the heavens!

Thank you!

SING A NEW TUNE

What if today we practice being fully present, if even for just a few minutes?

Perhaps just step outside your door.
or pause on the way to the car.
Stop and look around you.
Take in the beauty.
take in the chaos.
Take in the order.
Ponder the abundance.
Learn the flowers
Listen to the leaves
Feel the sun's kiss
or the rains gentle baptism
Wonder about the earth's embrace
Smile back and walk on.
Notice gratitude
Breathe the light
Sing a new tune

have a great day everyone!
love, jules
(6/24/2014)

a simple formula

just give me a couple hours
a cup of tea
a friend with true heart
and a gentle ear
then i'll feel like the richest,
most successful, most serene
and i'll be the best me in the world

~just jules, 5/9/14

BURSTING

This is me holding back....

I am bursting to the seams
Filling with, falling into, wallowing in love
Waves of gratitude overwhelm me
as the awareness of the present moment sinks deeper
tiny atoms are dancing to the tune within each cell
Cells are filling with joy
all of IT spilling out, expanding
I can't grasp this abundance all at once
anymore than I can embrace the depth of sorrow all at once
What if suddenly the last 10 years of your life
created a masterpiece of wonder on your wall?
What if all the doubt, the fear, the rejection,
what if all the hope, the tidbits of wisdom
what if all the ways I thought I screwed up
All the ways I was devastated and alone
what if all those things merged into one?
What if all of it is just another molecule, another atom,
a drop of water, A teaspoon of salt, a scale,
a weed, a flower, a tail, sand, rocks, volcanoes
What if all of it is just the ocean, the land the planets and us?
what if I really am here?
What ir you are really here?
And we are one, one joy, one sorrow, one delight, one life,
what if we could really touch each other, really exchange wows
What would you share? Would yesterday show up to bow?
Would tomorrow grab your hand to dance?
Would today this moment lift us both past cloud nine?
love, hope, and yes, even darkness transforms us.
I'm bursting to the seams, another transformation shaping me
Will I grow wings? Will I suddenly run on all fours?
Will I take up gills and swim around the globe?
Or will I melt into the me I suspected was there all along
simple, joyful, present?

There's more but....here comes another wave....got dive in!

sending LOVE, JOY & GRATITUDE,

Jules, 1/28/2014

People

Eyes that sparkle and shine
Or ache to be seen
Ears that giggle at the sounds they hear
Or cringe from the too sharp noise
Noses that wrinkle up at the stench
or twitch with glee
Tongues that savor the flavor of chocolate
Or stick their tips out in distaste
Hands that work hard, wringing each other in desparation
or reach out and with just a gentle touch
Lift all the burdens of the world off another's shoulders
Thoughts that can encompass the universe
Invent the magical, overcome the impossible
Words and notes that sing of the angels, of God and Love
Words that challenge and sometimes damage
People
I LOVE people

newborns and toddlers
grandpas and grandmas
wobbly old man with the cane
the cranky old woman with dementia
the bossy middle-aged lady empowered with her wisdom
curious grade-school kids
questioning teenagers
young adults with ideals and hearts and energy to change the world
lonely people forgotten and scared
presidents and queens
actresses and secretaries
singers and pastors
nurses, bus drivers, street sweepers
nannies, artists,  programmers
family, friends, loved ones
co-workers and partners
teachers, mentors, therapists
advisors, listeners, coaches
people
I LOVE people

Today I cry with the deep love for people
with the sensitive compassion for the suffering
with gratitude for the abundance of people
People

~sending my love, Jules
August 13, 2013

About Noise and Silence and finding the Holy in It...Entry #4

July 30, 2013

Silence is not always Golden.

Scene 1
The bell rings. Immediately eighty children, ages six to eighteen scramble to the dining hall to find their chairs; a few elbow jabs and friendly shoves along the way. For a moment, chaos arrives in all its glory. Then another bell rings. Silence. A community prayer is said for the meal and then eighty chairs all scrape at once as each child settles into the meal; chaos once again rising as all eighty voices speak at once. If you want the bread, you have to yell, "please pass the bread." You might have to yell it several times; it is so loud.

Would silence have been better? No. This was a precious time in my life at boarding school. It was chaotic and noisy and it was connection, togetherness. I remember it fondly, with smiles on my face, as family time.

Scene 2
1987. Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Twins have just one the World Series for the first time. I know because I've seen it on television and because I can hear the screaming and hollering from my back yard, four miles away! They called the Metrodome, Thunder Dome after that season. I was able to go to one of the division series games. It may be that I lost some of my hearing that day or some of my voice. I've probably not yelled so loud before or since. I don't even play baseball or softball myself. I'm not even that big of a fan but it was so delicious, such wonderful communion to join my voice with everyone else's. Imagine, 70,000 people all cheering for the same thing, all happy for the same thing! Would silence have been better? No. I imagine this is what it must feel like to join in the angel chorus. What a glorious noise!

Scene 3
The little boy is crying. It is hard to make out what he is saying but it has something to do with "wanting one." He is very upset. His hurried, stressed and tired mother is also very upset. Her face turns red as she grabs his left arm and lifts him up to drag him along down the sky way corridor. The three of us (my husband, my mother-in-law and me) watch in horror as we continue strolling in the opposite direction. Just after we pass them, we begin to talk about them with judgment. Suddenly, my mother-in-law turns around and walks back. With determined steps she catches up to the mother and child. Right there in the middle of the sky way, she takes that mother to task with a wake-up call. "What do you think you're doing?" She let her know in no uncertain terms that this is NOT the proper way to handle a crying child. I can't believe her daring! My Norwegian Lutheran Missionary upbringing taught me that getting involved could cause more trouble, that we should always keep silent. But would silence have been better? No. Sometimes justice requires a voice.

Scene 4
I haven't heard from her in weeks. We used to talk a lot and now suddenly nothing. A few phone calls and email attempts have not been answered so I give up. Immediately I begin some very egocentric wondering. "I wonder if it was something I did or said? What did I do wrong this time?" These miserable and chaotic rumblings lead me to stop calling and writing. I give up and leave the dead silence until one day I find out my friend has just recently found out she has cancer. She's been busy going for appointments and getting ready for the treatment. With the hearing of one word,"cancer," her world has become a lonely and silent place. Silence isn't always what we think it is.

There is a time for "Be still and know that I am God"
AND there is a time for "Make a Joyful noise"
AND there is a time for "Do Justice, Love kindness"
AND there is a time for "speak boldly"

Not ALL noise is bad and not ALL silence is good. Silence isn't always what we think it is.

there is a time to listen, to be still and silent
And there is a time to speak, scream, sing, challenge, wonder, ask...

A long winter, a slow spring

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A few minutes ago I stepped out my back door and went for a short walk to visit my barren garden. Even though it was only about thirty yards, it's the longest walk i've taken in a week. I was tempted by the warming air today, my lungs craving a breath of fresh air, my legs craving some movement, my heart looking for spring.

It's been a looooong winter. Everyone agrees. Even the optimists are whining a little. Just two days ago we had another snow storm. The buds on the trees are aching for enough warmth to burst. The birds outside my window are frantically hoping for flowers and worms enough to sustain the nesting season. The sun tries desperately to move the clouds of doubt and malaise out of the way.

It's now one week since my hysterectomy. I've never felt more weak or vulnerable than at this moment. I'm not sick but I'm not well. I have no control over how fast I heal, how fast the pain goes away. The pain tells me to just sit and wait--ARGH!! But even before the surgery I wasn't doing great. Over the past few years, due to stress and hormones and bad habit, I've gotten soft, gained weight and generally run out of physical energy. My heart energy is strong but my earth energy is weak and my fire has dwindled. For the past couple of years I've dealt with kidney stones, a hyper parathyroid, plantar faciitus and now a sad old uterus that needed to go. At one week post op, I worry about getting a bladder infection or a cold or something else that will set me back. I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent that but I'm scared. I don't want to be this weak forever. I feel like blob of flesh waiting for some bones to give me to form.

In the meantime, I took on a new position at work, finance manager. It is a joyless, dead-end job where day by day I feel like someone is steeling my creativity and joy and perhaps even my love. Oh, I know i'm stating it dramatically. But it's true. This is how it has felt the last few months. For several days every week I strive to clean up the ledger. Sure I get little bursts of sunshine when i'm out singing with my hospice choir or teaching a prayer workshop. But those are just teasers that remind me winter is still here.

I'm tired of the long winter. I'm ready for the spring, for new life, for seeds to planted and watered and watched over. I'm ready to step back into my heart and live into its bigness. I"m tired of being weak and plodding through my life just barely making it through. I'm ready for color on walls, flowers in my garden and long summer evenings spent with friends. I'm ready for exploring the lakes in my kayak, climbing mountains and laughing together over spilled Koolaid. But how will I get there? How will I find my way from this winter bed of weakness to the fiery energy of a sunset on a long summer evening?

I think I just got my answer on that short walk to the garden. I just need to step out the door and take advantage of every moment of joy there is. I just need to take the first step. I just need to follow my urge, my longing to step out into the sun and let the experience warm me.

About Prayer

Oh dear! I was all set to write some boring blog about how prayer has meant so much to me in my life, and how I got there but then I ran smack dab into this Mary Oliver poem that says it all in 12 syllables. I don't think I can say it better so here it is:

"Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it."
     ~Mary Oliver


Prayer, as described here, is one of the secrets of a peaceful, joyful life. Thanks Mary!

have joyful day!

love, jules