in honor of the TINY HOUSE movement!

One of our traditions at Christmas time is Family Day, which we celebrate on a day when everyone can make it. This year, we went bowling, played with trains, and made gingerbread houses among other things.

Here is the "gingerbread house" village we made a week ago. [note: I didn't splurge and make real gingerbread this year..we just used graham crackers and accessories]. You'll see that some people thought big, and some smaller. 

So this morning (a week later mind you!) I found a bulb of frosting sitting on my kitchen counter, that still had some left. Suddenly I was inspired  to make one more. So here, in honor of tiny houses everywhere, is my one-minute creation.

I guess the Teddy Grahams decided to move to a tiny house!

YESTERDAY IS ALREADY OURS!

January 2, 2019 (when the real work starts of moving forward)

Dear Friends,

It's the morning after the morning after, January 2nd, when we have to truly head back to work, and remember to put the correct year on our checks, if indeed we still write checks. For me today, that meant reviewing the chapters for discussion at my book group gathering tomorrow morning. We've been reading "The Other Side of Chaos: Breaking through when life is breaking down" by Margaret Silf. It's a fantastic book to read on your own, very useful for your inner work AND also very useful for dialog with others. I highly recommend you read it...no matter your age or circumstance. 

My favorite part of the reading this week is Chapter 14: Yesterday is Already Ours! And rather than do too much commentary, I thought I'd just share my favorite quotes from this chapter (see below). Silf manages to hit the nail on the head for me...getting at what holds me back most often..the fear of losing what I had. What a hopeful thought, that we can't lose what is already ours because we carry it forever in our hearts! I believe that now! And I'm glad for her way of reminding me of that.

I hope you read the book and I pray you'll be able to move forward knowing that what you treasure most can never be taken from your heart.

Blessings on you as you lean into the new year!   ~ jules (1/2/19)

• But what struck me most about Cadfael’s comment was his affirmation that “yesterday is already ours.” One of our biggest fears, and the cause of so much resistance to change, is that we think we are on the verge of losing, irrevocably, what we value from our past. Yes, like Cadfael, we have a past. To be human is to have a past. Some of that past may be about things we wish we could put behind us forever and wipe clean from the slate of memory. Other things we cherish and dread losing. To embrace the unknown future that change and transition hold out to us is, we feel, to risk losing all that we have invested our lives in so far.
• "Don’t be afraid that in letting go you are losing anything at all, because everything that matters, from this time of graced encounter, or from any other experience in your life, has been internalized and is firmly lodged in your heart. It is yours. It is a part of you. It travels with you and can never be lost.”
• Nothing can take from us the gift of all that our past has given us.
• We can’t lose it, and it will play a crucial part in shaping our future.
• The big question for me is this: when I look at the cherished item that I am trying to carry through the shifting scenes of my life, am I trying to turn back the clock, or am I just wanting to remind myself that the past is still an active part of me?
• The past is already ours; these photos and mementos remind us daily that this treasure that was ours is not lost but carried with us, not just in our bags but in our hearts. And the future is ours, too, to explore and, we hope, to make a contribution to. This isn’t nostalgia. This is wisdom.

And questions from Margaret Silf to ponder:

What treasure from your own past experiences or relationships do you feel has been internalized and forever absorbed into your heart? Notice how it continues to enrich you. It has been said that our memories are like a garden from which we can never be expelled. Which memories in your soul’s garden are life-giving, making you feel more fully alive in the present moment and more hopeful for the future? Is there anything that you cling to from the past that you feel may be holding you prisoner in false nostalgia and blocking your way ahead? The yearning to go back to what has passed can take over our consciousness to the extent that we actually fail to see, let alone respond to, the beckoning of the future and the joys and challenges of the present moment. Do you detect any symptoms like these in your present situation? 

THE MORNING AFTER

It is the morning after. The house is empty and quiet and messy. My heart is the same.

The quiet and dark are such a contrast to the many hours I spent celebrating with others over the last week or so. It is such a contrast that my heart feels a little whiplash, like someone has slammed on the brakes. That’s how the morning after often feels, like an abrupt change. But there is gift in it. It is that in the quiet stillness, I have an opportunity to reflect on the gifts of the season and the gatherings.

As usual, we had a number of events that filled our calendar. Here are the main events:

• December 19^th—Pete & I drove down to conduct a Dragonfly Project Volunteer event with 55 teenagers in Blue Earth, MN. I realize now that was our chance to share the gift of our son Hans in the Christmas Season. It was sweet and the teenagers were stellar, making some 1200 cards ready for sharing hope with others.

• We gathered three times with family
• December 21^st a few gathered to celebrate my Other Mother, Charlotte, on her 87^th birthday: After all these years, Charlotte still looks out on the world with loving eyes and sees the best and gives her best with grace, with patience, with kindness. She raised one of the most amazing functional communities of people, alongside her husband and his brother and sister-in-law.  2 couples, 11 children between them on one farm. I am so grateful to have married into this and been able to tap into those deep roots. Thank you Charlotte!
• December 24^th, Christmas Eve, 30 adults and 11 children, age 5 and under, gathered with Charlotte again, to celebrate Christ’s birth and each other. What struck me at this event was all the little ones and their joy with the simplest of things. And no crying or complaining from children or adults!
• December 30^th: Family Day…Pete and I had the deep joy of spending the entire day with just our children and grandchildren; just 10 of us. We went bowling, made gingerbread houses, played a game and ate lots of food. And the 3 yr olds led us in gift giving, insisting that the adults open their presents with their help. They are all such beautiful souls and I am so grateful they live close enough to spend time together.

• December 31^st: we rang in the new year by spending a couple hours with a good friend and her extended family and her dear granddaughter. Then back home, we enjoyed some time catching up with a couple other friends. Each friendship, a treasure and a gift that will sustain us as we cross the threshold into the new year. 

Each of these celebrations was filled with regular people, people who by blood or marriage or friendship have become community together. And though the celebrations vary widely and sometimes involve spilled milk or forgotten bread, they provide these communities with a chance to come together again and renew their bond. And that seems to be the most important gift of this chaos we call Christmas and New Years…to to be together, to remember Jesus is Emmanuel who came to “be with us.” I know that this community bond and this Holy Presence is what will sustain me through the mystery and chaos of another year. And so I give thanks.

Though the morning after can make one feel a bit wonky, I am glad it gave me this time, to sit and ponder the season one more time before moving on to the new year. And this is currently my intent for the new year, to take more time to sit and ponder the simple gifts; especially the gift of family, friends and community.

I wish you all a sweet and wonderful 2019, filled with the love, laughter and joy of community. Peace be with you all!

Love, jules

Writing Workshop--Last Chance to Sign up

Writing as Spiritual Practice

Saturday, October 6, 2018--9:30 am to 3pm.

at Christos Center for Spiritual Formation

FIND OUT MORE and REGISTER HERE!

Whether you are an experienced writer or just want to try this for a day, you are welcome. I will offer a variety of exercises to help you listen the voice within.

$45 includes a workbook.
Please bring your own bag lunch. Coffee/Tea provided.

Jules

The Pierced Heart and the Rainbow

September 26, 2018 (another year goes by)

Two days from now, September 28, 2018, marks the 18th anniversary of Hans Day, otherwise known as Hans' day of transformation, otherwise known as death. Hans is our third son (out of four). He died at the age of 11 1/2  of  brain cancer (glioblastoma mulitforme).

We had fought it with all we had for 16 months. Those 16 months were the best (yes, the sweetest) and the hardest our family has ever lived through. Hans gave the fight his best, best self....taking time to be grateful to doctors, nurses and chaplains that cared for him, taking time to laugh and joke and enjoy his life, even in the hospital. He was a beautiful soul, who in his short life managed to connect to the infinite presence that connects us all, otherwise known as Love, or God.

Today, Hans' two older brothers and one younger are grown men. Jacob is a teacher, married with a lovely 3-year-old daughter. Karl is also a teacher, married with a two lovely children, a 3-year-old boy and a baby daughter. Luke is a software engineer, single, and making music in his basement. These three young men are as stunning to me today as the day they were born. They are amazing human beings, full of light, joy, grace, kindness and love. I like to think that Hans would be on that same team, if he was here. I like to think he's doing victory dances everyday as he watches them grow from his view on the other side.

On my way home from breakfast with a good friend this morning, I was driving through Karl's neighborhood and couldn't resist stopping by just to see him and his little family. A few minutes and a few hugs was enough to give me that shot of fresh air to fill that huge empty Hans-sized space in the center of me. (How grateful I am, I could live this close)

Your kind empathy is well received but I need to say I wouldn't trade places with anyone. I'm a lucky wife, mama and grandma. In addition to an incredible husband (Pete), I have been given incredible children to care for. These four boys, men now, are such a joy. They are such a precious gift, that some days the love just cuts right through my heart, like one of cupid's arrows. My tears are filled with both the rain of the storm and the water from a fresh spring. Today is one of those days. It's so hard to describe that I often don't attempt it but today I really wanted to try.

Maybe it's like the moment when the sun comes through your window. My heart is a prism hanging in the window and the moment I think of my boys, of Hans and his dear brothers, as babes and men, is the moment that the sun hits the prism and all colors of the rainbow explode and spread everywhere in the room. It is a piercing moment. It's a releasing moment. It's a celebration and welcoming of all that has been and that will be, because these boys came into my life.

I do miss Hans. I wish he was here. And some days I miss the old days, making macaroni and cheese, driving car pools, sick days, watching baseball games and playing brain games in the car. But none of us needs to go back. We are all better people for the experience of knowing and having Hans part of our lives. I am a better person for knowing his brothers as well. It is a magical as the moment that light goes through the prism or the light shines through rain. Somehow, God took my love and my grief and made my life into a rainbow of color.

If this doesn't make sense to you, that's okay. It will always be hard to describe. It is enough to know that some of you are out there, sharing the rainbow with me.
It is enough to be in it for another year of life and love and pierced hearts.

~Jules

WALKING DOWN MEMORY LANE

Walking down Memory Lane

I walked through my neighborhood to the grocery store yesterday. As I walked, I soaked in the activity of late afternoon--School buses dropping kids off, grandparents waiting for the kids, parents and younger siblings walking hand-in-hand, older kids riding bike, people returning from work and mowing lawns and pulling weeds; life gently buzzing around the flowers of the first week of school. 

And then I saw a boy a few blocks from my house and thought of my boys in all their school days. And suddenly this rush of memories came washing over me. So much my life, so many seasons of my life have been lived here in this neighborhood. After living in many different houses during the first 17 years of my life, I have lived here in this one for 33 years this September! Pete and I have raised four boys, added on to our home, cultivated a huge garden and friendships, said goodbye to many, grieved the loss of our third son at age 11, and both my parents and a best friend and Pete's dad. We've grown from young to middle to almost retirement age. We've grown from dreams, to letting go, to sinking deep into our authentic beings. There's been joy here and sorrow and frustration and mess and oh so much beauty. What a life it has been! 

I thought as I walked of how grateful I am to live in a place where I feel safe, where people tend their gardens and walk with their children and dogs in peace, where children play and school buses pass. And where I can see the flowers and the creativity of those who find time to tend to their houses and yards. I am grateful...so grateful to have life, to have a safe life and  a good life. It's not perfect and yet it is. The compost rots and fuels the garden. The mistakes and sorrows teach us the deep lessons and we blossom and grow more than we ever dreamed possible.

and I wondered: what if there was a way to make this simple, safe life available for all? What if every person on earth could feel free and safe walking down their street or even half them? what then? Would we be in heaven already? The only thing better than this would be sharing it with everyone.

May your life, your heart find its own garden path where compost rots and flowers bloom!

love, jules--8/30/18

The Sacredness of a Cup of Tea (or Coffee)

"A cup of tea becomes sacred time when shared with the heart of another." ~ Jules

There are some things one can't write in a public forum because there are people's privacy to protect. So many times, I have wanted to write a blog about an incredible person who has crossed my path but to share the magic of that I’d be sharing personal things about them that might not be helpful to share in public. And other times, I've been tempted to write something not so nice which I quickly realize won't help and is most likely coming from my own unmet expectations.

Perhaps that's why it is so important that we not just write and post and Twitter and Facebook but that we meet face to face, one on one or in trusted circles to share our deeper and messier and lovelier selves. When I find out who the real you is, with all the bumps and pimples and all the bravery and courage, I am even more inspired than I was when I first saw the twinkle and shine in your eyes. It has often been said that "misery loves company" and it is true. It really does help to vent our misery with others AND to discover that we are not alone in it. What we don't notice as often is that "joy loves company" too. Joy shared is gratitude that finds its way to your bones and lives. When we share our vulnerability, when we give voices to our gratitude, it becomes an abundance and that makes the world a better place.

Which brings me to why I haven't been writing more in my blog lately. I have plenty to say but right now I am focusing more energy on in-person, face-to-face meetings; spending more time with real people, with real messes and real victories to share. This is partly the gift of summer and more freedom to get out. (My work increases during the school year) And I Love it. I LOVE, love what happens to my heart, my soul when the real story is shared in real time. I love how the Holy Spirit begins to show up too. I know it takes time, but it is totally worth it. I hope I can keep making time for this.

So, this is an open invitation to you. Consider contacting someone you would like to talk to and setting up a real conversation, maybe add a cup of coffee or tea. Perhaps if we all spend more time sharing our SORROW AND our JOY, we'll stop pushing against each other and instead find ourselves inspired, encouraged and praying for one another.

And now I'm off to share the privilege of time with a friend.

~Jules, 8/28/18

It Starts with a Trickle

July 2018--The Mississippi Headwaters

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to be at the Mississippi Headwaters with my family. I've been there a number of times, the first time when I was just 9 years old. And all that time, I've always known this was the start of the Mississippi, the same river we cross in the Twin Cities on a daily basis. So this year it surprised me a little when I had a new experience of it.

While some of the family was walking in the water up to the first foot bridge and other family were watching the stuff, I had the opportunity to walk alongside the river on my own. That's when it hit me...if you didn't know any better, you'd just call this a creek. It's so little, you might not even give it that much credit. At very beginning it's just a trickle of water over the rocks in the corner of Lake Itasca, shallow enough for my 3-year-old granddaughter to wade in it. By the foot bridge, it is still only knee or thigh high. It's a very small movement. It's almost nothing and yet it isn't.

I thought how the Mississippi is one of the major life forces of this country, bringing life and energy to both people and animals. It's the reason people came and built towns and cities. It's part of the reason this part of the world became farmland. For centuries, that water has found its way from northern Minnesota all the way to the gulf carrying nutrients and water and people and animals along with it.

And that's when this idea hit me: every major movement starts with a trickle. We don't know at the beginning how far it will move us. We may never know how the kindness we do today grows and moves as it travels from one person to another. Pete and I have had the opportunity to cross the Mississippi River at many points from the innocent beginning to the Gulf of Mexico. It travels a long way, through many different ecosystems, towns and cities.

What if the love we share today is the trickle that will bring hope and life down river? What if it's not hopeless or pointless to keep on trying? The trickle takes awhile to build momentum but mile after mile, day after day, it gathers more energy and speed and life as other water ways join it.

So, I'm wondering, how will I offer some kindness, some love, some peace, some understanding today? It only needs to be a trickle.

Dancing with Life

The song calls to me,
Two steps forward,
One step sideways,
Several steps back,
A pause to smell the flowers,
A longer pause to comfort my fear
with my current security blanket,
And then I get distracted
by the laundry, dishes, dreams,
Find myself planning
a better way to organize and decorate,
Before I know it I've taken some long detour to nowhere.
Stopping to catch my breath
and my thought,
My heart suddenly breaks through.
My ears again here the music.
So bravely I dance two steps forward,
One step sideways,
and so on...

It's just how the dance of my life goes.

Just Jules, 5/23/18

FOLLOWING THROUGH

And so another Monday morning begins....

"Just follow LOVE!"

The thing is, when you say "yes," the next day you have to get up and follow through. 

Getting invited to do something is exciting. 

Saying yes because it is something that fits you perfectly feels great. 

But...but, I'm not always sure I am going to be able to follow through.

And then LOVE (aka Jesus) whispers gently, "Just follow me!"

So, i'll keep praying for the will, the courage, the strength and the focus, to follow through and to just follow LOVE.

~jules, 4/23/18

An Empty Nest Moment

Grief showed up again in a moment of memory. And once it starts, it comes flooding in. It's hard to stop.

Some grief is shared and some grief is just you and your heart touching a memory. The sometimes frustrating thing is that the memory is sweet. It's a reminder of what a great life I have had, how lucky I was to have such a sweet family, to be the mother of such amazing boys, even my dear Hans who left us seventeen years ago. Such sweet memories I have, of giggles and shouts and playing Legos and singing songs. Messes everywhere, that I worked way to hard to get cleaned up. Chores that I tried way to hard to get them to do. Even so, we had laughter and adventure, ballgames and homework and conversations or debates that taught me how to be a better me. I loved my life with my four young boys and later my three teenagers who are now grown men.

How does a life so full and so big suddenly become so small, just me and sometimes my husband, sitting quietly for hours working at home on a computer? Not another soul for hours. Just little me. Oh God, how I miss those days! And how grateful I am that I have those days to miss! 

And so the tears flow freely, letting some of my heart have its way. I am grateful and yet it is lonely in this cave of memory where only me and all those beautiful thoughts sit wondering how to savor it, and hang on so it doesn't feel like I lost it all.

Grief. It is a beautiful thing and it is a lonely thing. so it is best to take it in small doses. Then I go back to my current life with a renewed sense of gratitude that I still have a life to live and people to share it with and room to grow.


Sending peace and hugs to you for your moments of sorrow, however small they are.

Sending love,
jules

Peace Be

So last night as I was falling asleep, I thought of something that belonged on my to-do list that I keep forgetting. I had such a great sleep last night, best one in a long time, but I was kicking myself for not getting up and writing that forgetful item down. I have NO idea what it was!

In an effort to remember, I decided to sit down and run through my whole TO-DO list on paper. It is a good practice for me to once in a while sit and write it all down. I wondered too, what other things I might be forgetting. And now I'm wondering when I am going to do all that and if I really do all that? My goodness! Life so easily fills in the blanks, that I might have to get better at scheduling space for thought and reflection.

So, I wish I could remember what I forgot AND I'm also grateful that the reason I forgot is that I had one of the best rests last night. I am so grateful to wake up refreshed. I think a good sleep might be one of life's best treasures.

And I'm grateful for having a life, however messy and weird it might be. I have a life to live and that's a good thing even if I can't do it all.

And I'm grateful for my young friend who came over yesterday and inspired me with her creativity and incredible presence and her truth. Thank you.

So, peace to the forgetful mind. It'll likely come back to my consciousness when I least expect it but if it doesn't, the world won't end. Life will go on.

And peace to this day. Just a little love and kindness will get us through.

And peace to all who are struggling with something today. A little prayer will help. (I know all your prayers help me)

And peace to my neighbor who just stopped by for a moment just now. She need some tea and I was happy to be able to provide her with some. I am grateful for her presence on my block.

And peace to my friends far and wide who have either asked for my support or provided support for me when I have asked. We all need a little help from our friends. We really do. We're not going to finish this race without that.

So I started with being frustrated at myself and my forgetfulness and end with gratitude for the richness of friends and neighbors, the gift of sleep and a little kindness and the healing that comes with a little prayer.

And that's why I like the practice of journaling and blogging and even the occasional Facebook post. It can help us find the gifts, if we give ourselves the time and space.

Peace be with you this day!

love, jules

The Heart and the Mind or the Tortoise and the Hare.

So, I was going to write each day of the 12 days of Christmas and suddenly it is the 13th day....or Epiphany or just regular life, depending on your orientation. I don't know what happened to those 12 days except to say that the usual happened. There were parties and concerts and extra special worship services. There were decorations (which are still up) and gift giving and wonderful time with family and all the usual drama that goes with getting through Christmas. What there wasn't was time to really sit quietly with it all and ponder what it means this time around. There wasn't time to think much beyond the happenings. 

And now, I find myself wanting/needing to move on to the new year and the life that is calling me to it. It's time to make phone calls and appointments, to follow through on plans set in place already and make new plans to fill in other spaces. The life of a self-employed person has these waves of activity that require attention. So here I am, just plodding along and hoping to catch up with the song that wants to be sung and live into the heart of the moments. My heart longs to catch up.

Recently, I was thinking of encouraging things to write to a friend. And in the middle of it, this thought came to me. It was very encouraging to me and I hope it will be for you as well. 

Remember the story of "the Tortoise and the Hare?" Remember how the hare goes so quickly but then gets distracted along the way? and the Tortoise goes slowly but faithly gets there and actually wins. So here is my thought for you: 

The Mind races on, gets distracted, caught up in the thought. The Heart is cautious and moves slow and faithfully. 

The two run the race differently so trust that your Heart will win in the end. 

LOVE WINS!

just jules, January 7, 2018

The Timelessness of Grief.

December 5, 2017

This is what grief is like.

It's a day like any other day, nothing special. It's not anyone's birthday or anniversary of anything. It's not a holiday; just nothing. I'm minding my own business, working from home as I have for nearly four years now. I'm not thinking of how sad my life is. I'm just thinking, how can I get my to-do list done.

Then out of nowhere, the feeling of him in the world pops into my heart. I try to brush it off and then I see his face, his sparkling eyes and hear his laughter. Suddenly tears are running down my face. I miss my little Hans sooo much! It is tangible, real! I feel like I lost him yesterday. And that's not unusual really. I feel like his brothers were just little boys yesterday too. This moment lasts for a minute or fifty. In that span of time, I relive the magic of having him, of getting to be his mother and now his ambassador to the world. I've been doing my best to tell them--live life fully, stay present and cherish your loved ones. Life is short! Enjoy it! I'm doing my best! In that moment, I know he is still here...in my heart but it still hurts too.

The gift and the loss are all wrapped up together. Pain and joy, loneliness and gratitude, disconnected and connected--all at the same time! That's what grief is like. 17 years is like a day and a day is like 17 years! It is timeless and messy! It doesn't have an agenda but to remind us how precious life is, how precious our loved ones are and to grab the moments when we can.

And one more thing...to be kind and patient with those who grieve. Letting go, remembering and celebrating while also feeling the pain....it all takes time and courage and strength. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Everyone carries a heavy load.

GRATITUDE MONTH #30: final entry--PETE

I saved the BEST for last! Today I share with you my deep, humble gratitude for my husband, my partner, my friend Pete! I will spend eternity giving thanks to God for this man in my life! Love, hope, joy, peace---he lives all these things. And of course he drives me crazy too but I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I am so honored to call Pete my partner for life! Nothing has brought me more joy than living life with him, creating family, working together, finding home. 

Thank you God for Pete! I am so grateful!

Below is a poem I wrote for our 26th Anniversary, that I think is worth repeating--or re-Pete-ing.  Love you, Pete!

He is Pete

He is the tortoise who will win the race against the hare.

He is the knight in shining armor who will cut through the thorns

 and tangle of vines to wake the sleeping beauty.

He is the navigator, the one that keeps the ship from running aground.

His love runs deep, his commitment is unshakeable,

His tenderness is healing,

He is the rock on which this family stands.

He is the full moon on the calm sea.

He is the stars twinkling in my eyes.

He is the secret behind my smile.

He is the arms of God wrapping me in grace.

He is the depth of my joy and the muse of my wisdom.

His love nurtures me, gives me pleasure in life, and challenges me to grow with integrity.

He is the waves crashing on my shore.

He knows the way to unlock my wild passion.

He honors my gifts and worships my beauty as if I am really golden.

He sings my praises in the marketplace and whispers our love to his friends.

He is my heart of hearts, my joy of joys, the love of my life, the friend I could never imagine.

He is Pete.

July 25, 2007

Happy 26^th Anniversary!

Love, JJ

GRATITUDE MONTH #29: CHALLENGES

This is my second to the last entry in my Gratitude Month challenge. I've mentioned beauty, wonder, grace and sweet people but I haven't talked about challenges. What about life's mess and life's challenges? Am I grateful for those? Not always. Sometimes I run as fast as I can from those. But when I do stay, when I do welcome the challenge and sit with the discomfort, I find I am grateful. 

Wait! What? 

Yes, I said grateful. I'm thankful for the challenge.

Let me see if I can give a couple examples:

• In part of my life, I'm a computer, graphic design, desktop publisher, website person. That means that sometimes my coworker is a computer that refuses to listen to a word I say or do a single thing that I want. And that challenges me, to try harder, to think farther outside the box and sometimes to ask for help. It challenges me to ask for the excellence and connection I desire. And that's something I'm not good at in all of the my life. I have a lot to learn about asking for, demanding the excellence that I know can be (Not perfection but also not sloppiness). The idiot of a machine helps me celebrate the beautiful vision I have inside. 
• Some of my life is focused on relationships; family, extended family, friends. Relationships are messy at best and devastating at their worst. I hate conflict! But when I don't run, when I stay for the struggle and sit with the discomfort, when I stay to listen to the other's story and  ask the hard questions: "what is the most loving thing to do now? " I learn that there is oh so much more to love and grace than I could possibly have imagined.
• 150 boxes--Last year I went through and got rid of most of the contents of 150 boxes in my basement. That was very challenging, one of the hardest things I've ever done. It felt like ripping band aids off every day. I wanted so many times to just walk away and just let the stuff be there like it always had been. but I stayed and I kept at it and one day, I realized that letting go felt better than hanging on and now I have breathing space and an extra play space for my grandchildren. It gives me hope that i can let go again in the future and even more space will open up.
• Grief--I think the best challenge has been sitting with grief...both my own and others. We want so badly to smooth it over, make it feel better. But when I sit gently on the couch with grief for awhile, I realize how precious the people are that I've lost and my compassion for how much I've had to say goodbye grows. And self-compassion does a lot for healing and finding peace! I am grateful for all the wonderful lessons grief has taught me.

Yep! that's me hiking the cliffs at Devil's Lake St. Park, WI

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the hardest, mostly challenging things to work for have held the key to something I really value, something that ultimately I am deeply grateful for. Like climbing the mountain is worth it for the view and perspective AND to discover I am strong enough to get there!

Then suddenly the challenge becomes part of the abundance. And that's a divine grace in my book! I think that's part of how God's love redeems us, by turning the struggle into a gift.

GRATITUDE MONTH #28: a SONG/PRAYER OF THANKS

This beautiful song by my dear friend Barbara McAfee is based on this quote: 

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." - Meister Eckhart 

Barbara hits the nail on the head and kind of seals this month of gratitude with a note of wonderful gratitude! How great is that she did this in the rain! 

thank you Barbara!

GRATITUDE MONTH #27: PEANUT BUTTER

It all started with my dad. He loved peanut butter and I loved him! It was an easy sell all the way around. We lived in Madagascar so we made our own food, including peanut butter. 

Here's how the process went. We started by going to the market, which in the capital city Tananarive where we lived, was at the bottom of a very long flight of stairs. Walking through the open air market, with all the sights and sounds and smells was an adventure in itself. We'd buy a couple kilos of peanuts, still in the shell and still quite raw. 

Once back home, we had to shell the peanuts. This meant sitting and pressing on those shells with your hands or a hammer until you were tired. But of course, Dad has stories to tell and it was family time in the kitchen with Mom. I loved these times. After all the shelling was done, then came the roasting. Dad watched this part like a hawk. Much later in my life, I have realized how important this part is. If you don't roast them enough, they aren't as good but you have to get them out of the oven before they burn too. Tricky business! To this day I choose my peanut butter by the quality of the roast color I see through the jar.

Then, we had to rub off the skins! That part is pretty easy. And then comes the grinding. We used to use an old fashioned meat/food grinder with hand crank. It had different inserts with three different sized holes so we could get it finer. It was my job to hold down the stool that the grinder was attached to and spoon the peanuts into the grinder while Dad cranked away. We put it through the grinder three times. It was Mom's job to have fresh bread ready by the time the peanut butter was ready! 

I've been in love with peanut butter ever since! If you have ever lived with me or near me, you know that I still eat more peanut butter than the average bear! It's a love affair that will never end. And it goes with everything...well almost everything. I eat it with fruit, rice, oatmeal, veggies and of course bread & jelly.

So grateful for peanuts and peanut butter!

GRATITUDE MONTH #26: THREE LITTLE-BIG THINGS

Gratitude Month #26: Three Little-Big Things

The TECHNOLOGY that allows me to share my thoughts with you and read yours—phones, computers, social media, blogs etc. I know it is not perfect, that it can cause headaches or nervous breakdowns, that we can abuse this as well as anything we’ve ever had. AND it is also a gift, a wonderful gift, to be able to connect with others, even on days when I can’t afford to get out for lunch or spend hours on the phone. I am grateful.

I’m grateful for DREAMS for creativity, for having ideas come that offer new and different ways of looking at things. I love that after however many millennia we've been on this earth, humans are still thinking of new ways, still creating as the creator gives us vision to do so. For instance, I’m so glad that when there is healing to be done, immediately many people start imagining and praying for what will bring that healing. And then one day, we put our heads together and allow the miracle of it to happen.

I’m grateful for the incredible ABILITY OF THE HUMAN BODY TO HEAL. Our generous Creator had given us so much to work with. And I pray that I will get better at taking care of this body of mine and allowing it the proper avenues for healing to happen. It blows my mind that people battle cancer, get new hips and knees replaced, come back from stroke and devastating illness! I am so grateful for this gift of healing and pray that all of us find our way to be part of it.

And then there is the mystery of how sometimes, technology encourages the dream to grow and become real and as the dream is realized, the body heals. 

with gratitude,

jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#25: TODAY'S LITTLE REMINDER

In a conversation this morning, an old truth bubbled up to the surface. It was this wisdom I had learned from a little girl with a big heart. 

You don't have to wait to grow up; you don't have to wait to have enough money or be rich; you don't even really have to know what you are doing to make a difference. Just follow your heart and when you need it, ask for help from friends.

She didn't tell me this. I just learned it from watching her work and live. I mean, if we all waited until everything was just right, we would never get anything done.

Today, I am grateful for this little reminder, this piece of wisdom. What a relief to know I don't have to wait for the perfect conditions. I can just start from my heart and move from there. And there is no need to judge my success on my speed of movement. I will move on as I am able. 

I wish you the same grace for your dreams and projects and even for your obligations that are waiting for you. 

Peace!

Jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#24: SUNRISES & SUNSETS

My favorite color is sunset! Indeed! 

The bright orange and pink of a sunrise can send my nightmares away and invite me to the joy of a new day. What's not to like about a day that starts with a brilliant feast of color--apricot, cantaloupe, mango, coral, salmon, tangerine, purple, pink, lavender, pomegranate, raspberry--the list goes on and on!

And then, as if to reassure me all is well, the day ends with another feast of colors in the sky! My husband, who knows how much this feeds my soul, calls me on his way home to remind me to watch the sunset! It is such a treasure. 

I've literally taken hundreds of photos of both the sunrise and sunset. I will never get tired of watching the sun play with the clouds and sky. I will never tire of this endless gift of color and light! Never!

It doesn't matter where you are--the sun is always rising and setting. It's nice to have an ocean or a mountain but you don't need one. A cityscape is enlightened as well as a lake! The farm field, the roof of the humble barn, the trees and snow in winter, the skyscrapers, and your face all reflect the glow of the golden star that blesses us every day!

Wallowing in the joy, 

jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#23: MYSTERIOUS MARVELOUS HOPE

GRATITUDE MONTH #23: Mysterious Marvelous Hope

I wake up to the light of a rising sun
Already my subconscious is calling me to the LIST
Already nagging me about how far behind I am
Could I go any slower? 
The obvious answer is yes!

Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes
I ignore the piles I must walk around
to get to the next part of my day
Some days my life just seems
Like one long to-do list
Running through a never-ending pile
Of life's stuff

Then suddenly, the fog lifts 
I find myself working on a project
that's been on hold for two years!?!
It is a complete mystery to me
how this has come about 
And yet here I am making progress
AT LAST! and it feels GREAT!

The patience of our better selves
The patience of grace to plow through the mess
The tenacity of hope for the dream
I wish I could claim credit for it
But I can't. It's a divine grace.

I can only work with gratitude
for the energy and motivation
to tackle the task in the now!
I can only pray for more of this
MYSTERIOUS MARVELOUS HOPE
and the strength to follow through.

with gratitude for this day,

jules

GRATITUDE MONTH--#22: A THANKSGIVING PRAYER

Happy Thanksgiving!--part 3
I found this Thanksgiving Prayer in my archives. I wrote it on November 23, 2001, a year after Hans died. It is obvious the effect that the loss of this little boy had on me! I want to share it with you now. I know it doesn't suit everyone's situation. I know that this day is about family and togetherness and there are many who don't or can't have that for all kinds of reasons. I know, for some this day will be painful or a mixture of all kinds of feelings. Wherever you are today, I pray that you can reach your hand out at some point and touch someone and be able to say "thank you." In my humble opinion, life doesn't get any better than that. 

Here is my Thanksgiving Prayer/Meditation:

Take a deep breath,
Slow down your thoughts,
Take another deep breath, and another,
You have just taken in again God’s gift of life.
Every breath is a gift, a sacrament,
And every plant on the earth provides the oxygen,
And provides the food,
All are a part of the gift of life God gives us. 

In a few moments we will be strengthened
By the feast that we are about to eat.
We will be doubly blessed and doubly strengthened
By sharing this feast with loved ones. 

Reach out your hands now to the person on either side of you.
Feel the energy of the love that passes
Through your hands.
God has blessed us with this amazing fantastic family.
We thank God for the gift of those who we wish were with us here today.
Let us pray the table prayer
which Hans helped us learn from his prayer book. 

 “God we thank you for this food,For rest and home and all things good,For wind and rain and sun above,But most of all for those we love.” 

 While we continue holding hands
Each person look to the left and
Thank God for the person next to you
And for one other thing
Until the circle is complete.

GRATITUDE MONTH--#21: the NORTHEAST TURKEYS

Happy Turkey Day--Part 2!

After considering these magnificent creatures neighbors for several years, I have mixed feelings about dinner later. I guess I will say an extra thank you to my turkey friends for their contribution to this day.

At some point in the history of our crazy English language, we decided to make fun of people by saying "you turkey!" I don't know why. Over the last 10 years, the wild turkey population in our inner-city neighborhood has grown considerably. The last couple years a pretty good sized group of them has been roosting in trees on our block. Some mornings 15 to 20 turkeys walk through our yard just after flying down out of the trees across the street. They are stunning creatures and though they can leave messes on the sidewalks, it somehow makes me happy that we live in a natural enough environment for the turkeys to consider this their home too. 

HAPPY TURKEY DAY FROM THE NORTHEAST TURKEYS!