FOLLOWING THROUGH

And so another Monday morning begins....

"Just follow LOVE!"

The thing is, when you say "yes," the next day you have to get up and follow through. 

Getting invited to do something is exciting. 

Saying yes because it is something that fits you perfectly feels great. 

But...but, I'm not always sure I am going to be able to follow through.

And then LOVE (aka Jesus) whispers gently, "Just follow me!"

So, i'll keep praying for the will, the courage, the strength and the focus, to follow through and to just follow LOVE.

~jules, 4/23/18

A TWO-CUP MORNING

I really love people, I mean LOoooooVE them! Everyone is so amazing...so magical and mysterious and mostly kind. I spend a lot of my time staying connected, scheduling the calendar, talking on the phone, writing long emails. Nevertheless, today is one of those days when I am content to socialize with the inner crowd; that circle of women who together make up me.

It's a two-cup morning, one for me and one for myself. I'm drinking out of my favorite cup; the one with colorful African women on it. Often I clean my kitchen and straighten up the living room because someone is coming over and I really am not ready for them to know how sloppy I really am. But today I cleaned so I could invite myself over for tea and drink in the loveliness of my home while I take a moment to sit and be grateful for this moment. I'm wearing a dress, not because I have to, but because I feel content in it. I've got my favorite shoes on (flip-flops). I combed my hair and put on my favorite earrings. The sun is obliging by providing the special effects necessary for me to watch the shadow of leaves dancing with the design on my rug. I meditate, spend some time thinking about my friends, in praise of life. I giggle quietly at the oddity of my life with no apologies. I am not in the mood for brooding today. Today, my head and heart are chatting quietly and slowly about love, about flowers and sunrises and the joy in living through yet another day. Today, I am sipping my tea and savoring this wonderful taste of life.

It's such a lovely private moment that I wondered if I should share it. But then I thought perhaps it was worthy to invite you to have your own two-cup morning. Could you take a little extra time for yourself? to wonder? to wander? to sip slowly and savor the flavors of life? Could you invite yourself over for tea? You can you know. It only takes a short time, a few deep breaths and voila! Suddenly you are in the presence of the best company you ever invited over.

A long winter, a slow spring

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A few minutes ago I stepped out my back door and went for a short walk to visit my barren garden. Even though it was only about thirty yards, it's the longest walk i've taken in a week. I was tempted by the warming air today, my lungs craving a breath of fresh air, my legs craving some movement, my heart looking for spring.

It's been a looooong winter. Everyone agrees. Even the optimists are whining a little. Just two days ago we had another snow storm. The buds on the trees are aching for enough warmth to burst. The birds outside my window are frantically hoping for flowers and worms enough to sustain the nesting season. The sun tries desperately to move the clouds of doubt and malaise out of the way.

It's now one week since my hysterectomy. I've never felt more weak or vulnerable than at this moment. I'm not sick but I'm not well. I have no control over how fast I heal, how fast the pain goes away. The pain tells me to just sit and wait--ARGH!! But even before the surgery I wasn't doing great. Over the past few years, due to stress and hormones and bad habit, I've gotten soft, gained weight and generally run out of physical energy. My heart energy is strong but my earth energy is weak and my fire has dwindled. For the past couple of years I've dealt with kidney stones, a hyper parathyroid, plantar faciitus and now a sad old uterus that needed to go. At one week post op, I worry about getting a bladder infection or a cold or something else that will set me back. I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent that but I'm scared. I don't want to be this weak forever. I feel like blob of flesh waiting for some bones to give me to form.

In the meantime, I took on a new position at work, finance manager. It is a joyless, dead-end job where day by day I feel like someone is steeling my creativity and joy and perhaps even my love. Oh, I know i'm stating it dramatically. But it's true. This is how it has felt the last few months. For several days every week I strive to clean up the ledger. Sure I get little bursts of sunshine when i'm out singing with my hospice choir or teaching a prayer workshop. But those are just teasers that remind me winter is still here.

I'm tired of the long winter. I'm ready for the spring, for new life, for seeds to planted and watered and watched over. I'm ready to step back into my heart and live into its bigness. I"m tired of being weak and plodding through my life just barely making it through. I'm ready for color on walls, flowers in my garden and long summer evenings spent with friends. I'm ready for exploring the lakes in my kayak, climbing mountains and laughing together over spilled Koolaid. But how will I get there? How will I find my way from this winter bed of weakness to the fiery energy of a sunset on a long summer evening?

I think I just got my answer on that short walk to the garden. I just need to step out the door and take advantage of every moment of joy there is. I just need to take the first step. I just need to follow my urge, my longing to step out into the sun and let the experience warm me.

The Gift of the Lonely Day

I wrote my last post a couple weeks ago on a day when all of the loneliness came crashing in around me; all the grief and sadness, all the loss. I just took a bath in my tears that day. It was definitely a superb pity-party and all just for me; kinda self-centered of me. But something wonderful came from that day.

In the middle of the day, I was eating lunch in my car alone from a hill overlooking the city. Even though it was midday, I was already exhausted from the tears. As I looked on the city I have lived in and loved for three decades I was thinking about all the wonderful people I know who live here; all the beautiful people. My my mind wandered through the list and then stopped for a moment on one particular friend; a friend I had been disconnected from for years. I had tried several times in different ways to get her to meet with me; always leaving it in her court, "let me know when you want to get together." Each time, nothing happened. Each time, I got more discouraged. But I couldn't shake the longing to be reconnected.

Then suddenly I had a new thought. Here I am lonely, sad and sobbing away and I've got nothing to lose, at least not at this moment! I mean if I try one more time and she says, "no!" will I feel worse? So I grabbed my cell phone and sent her a text. "you want to get together for lunch some time?" And she said YES. so two days later, I found myself having lunch with my old friend. It was amazing. The years have changed us both. the losses have changed us both but there was beauty and joy in the connection.  I was suddenly so grateful for that moment of despair a few days earlier and for the whisper of wisdom to try one more time with no expectation of succeeding. And I was grateful for "texting" on my cell phone that it possible for me to invite her in the simplest of fashions.

Conclusion: though it is hard to see the benefit when swimming in your own lake of darkness, there often is grace and gift in giving in to our vulnerability, to our weakness.

Blessing: may you, my dear friends, return from your dark days with "fists full of jewels." (from Barbara McAfee's song) May your tears be the rain that quenches your thirsty soul, may your grief turn to joy and grace.

Blessings on you all,

jules