Bitter and Sweet

Life is bittersweet at its heart, perhaps at its best. For it is in those moments of deepest sorrow or pain that we also are suddenly keenly aware of the amazing gifts and beauty of our lives.

I'll never ever forget the 16 months we had with our son Hans after he was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme) the summer between his 4th and 5th grade years. I can't remember the excruciating pain without also remembering it as one of the best times of our lives. Being faced with the total and complete vulnerability of life for each of us (no matter how healthy) made all those unimportant squabbles and desires melt away. Money and success and being right ceased to matter. All that mattered was love and the moments.

Hans following one of his surgeries.

In some ways it seemed like time stopped. We suddenly had time to enjoy each other and be with each other in ways we hadn't before. We celebrated every day we had together. We went camping, biking, played games, laughed, hung out with extended family. We talked, we sang, we prayed. We hugged and cuddled. We fell in complete love with each other. Honestly, it was an amazing time for us. We lived with joy. Each day was so precious that we closed with a ritual of good night with blessing and goodbye.

Of course, one day we did say goodbye forever as Hans moved on to the next life. (September 28, 2000) And of course there was some pretty wrenching and dark days of mourning to follow. But even those gave birth to a deeper sense of gratitude and honor for this sweet person we were privileged to have among us, even for a short time. And eventually that expanded to a deeper gratitude for all of life, however flawed it is.

What I'm trying to say, is that the bitter and the sweet are so closely tied, that I can't separate them. I'm not arguing for cause and effect, just for the constant companionship of them both in my life. Bitter whispers in one ear with how tragic life is and Sweet sings in the other how fantastic and amazing it is. And peace grows in me, I am transformed, as I learn to dance with both these partners.

Peace!
Jules, 9/2/2016

The Basement Excavation: the 100th Box!

“Letting go is hard (really hard) but sometimes holding on is harder.” ~ Anonymous quote.

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on” ~ Eckhart Tolle

What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think - or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am? Brene Brown

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(NOTE: I did not say last box...I said 100th box!)

Today, just today, I went through my 100^th box! Of the boxes I have gone through, I have emptied 62 boxes! This means that most of those 62 boxes has ended up in the recycling bin by our garbage…and a few have made it to the thrift store. I am 8 weeks in to my commitment to attack 2 boxes per day. Of the boxes that are not empty, an additional 15 are scheduled to be given to other people; mostly old Malagasy books. And though I still have umpteen photo/negatives/slide boxes to go through, I am pausing to celebrate my progress.

Wow! The 100^th box! When I started I was very skeptical about getting even this far. I didn’t even count the boxes past 100 because I never believed I’d make it that far. This is amazing, so miraculous! I am not even sure that I can take credit for it even though I have felt each box in my bones and heart as I’ve sorted and emptied. A lot of tears have been shed. A lot of deep breaths have been let go. There have been many days when the instinct to hold on was stronger than the the need to let go. I can honestly say I am getting better at it though. Little by little I’m beginning to feel the power of letting go like Eckhart Tolle says in his quote (see above). Little by little, I am beginning to notice that along with the stuff, I’m letting go of old definitions of strength, of family, of connections. I’m letting go of what people think, of perceived expectations and focusing more on what I need to do to be healthy, what my family needs. Little by little, I am beginning to believe that my life after this will be freer, lighter; that I won’t be carrying this burden of stuff so I’ll have room to give more of my heart to other adventures.

So I am nearing the end of going through boxes of papers (which were mostly letters and scrapbook savings). Soon I will be going through a couple dozen boxes of old photos/slides/negatives. As I head that direction, I want to offer my gratitude to all of those who have offered me support and understanding in this process. I never dreamed I would get this far. Thank you!

~Jules

A TWO-CUP MORNING

I really love people, I mean LOoooooVE them! Everyone is so amazing...so magical and mysterious and mostly kind. I spend a lot of my time staying connected, scheduling the calendar, talking on the phone, writing long emails. Nevertheless, today is one of those days when I am content to socialize with the inner crowd; that circle of women who together make up me.

It's a two-cup morning, one for me and one for myself. I'm drinking out of my favorite cup; the one with colorful African women on it. Often I clean my kitchen and straighten up the living room because someone is coming over and I really am not ready for them to know how sloppy I really am. But today I cleaned so I could invite myself over for tea and drink in the loveliness of my home while I take a moment to sit and be grateful for this moment. I'm wearing a dress, not because I have to, but because I feel content in it. I've got my favorite shoes on (flip-flops). I combed my hair and put on my favorite earrings. The sun is obliging by providing the special effects necessary for me to watch the shadow of leaves dancing with the design on my rug. I meditate, spend some time thinking about my friends, in praise of life. I giggle quietly at the oddity of my life with no apologies. I am not in the mood for brooding today. Today, my head and heart are chatting quietly and slowly about love, about flowers and sunrises and the joy in living through yet another day. Today, I am sipping my tea and savoring this wonderful taste of life.

It's such a lovely private moment that I wondered if I should share it. But then I thought perhaps it was worthy to invite you to have your own two-cup morning. Could you take a little extra time for yourself? to wonder? to wander? to sip slowly and savor the flavors of life? Could you invite yourself over for tea? You can you know. It only takes a short time, a few deep breaths and voila! Suddenly you are in the presence of the best company you ever invited over.

Caught Between Technology and Reality

October 24, 2013
There seems to be two worlds. The virtual one and the real one. Some days I struggle with the relationship between the two.

I'm not one of those middle-aged people who is afraid of computers or technology. I've always been curious about how things work so I dig in and get involved. Gadgets intrigue me, puzzles compel me. I've taught myself html and excel. I've learned Adobe Photoshop and Indesign. I was one of the first parents to hop on Facebook when my kids started connecting there when they were in college. I had to find out what that was all about. I had no idea it would be us middle-aged folks or baby boomers who would populate the nation of Facebook and then Twitter, Google+, etc. 

I'm also not one of those people who think we need technology to connect. Though I was born in 1959, in many ways, I grew up in the previous century. As a missionary kid growing up in a third world country, we often lived in places without running water or toilets in the house. WE boiled water to make it clean enough to drink and to make our bath water warm. Occasionally I studied by kerosene lamp. For entertainment, we rode bike, walked the beaches, climbed the local mountain and had weekly "talent" shows. we made peanut butter, jelly and ice cream from scratch. It's possible to have everything you need without television, computers, factories or even telephones. 

Sometimes, my soul feels a little trapped between these two lives. I'm grateful for the comforts I now have, clean water, hot showers and streaming Internet that allows me to write this blog, for instance. I love that through the magic of the Internet, I can connect with a great friend in Sweden, stay in touch with acquaintances in Italy and see updates of news and pictures from my homeland, Madagascar. But I also feel a little trapped by the technology. If I don't keep up with the break-neck speed at which it all develops, will I be left behind by my friends? Some days by the time I have answered all the emails and text messages, I don't have any energy left to use my hands to pick up my guitar and play a song or spend some times cleaning up the clutter in my room. It worries me. There are days that I long for that life without electricity, where it was all so real, where our bodies worked with our minds to make it all happen. 

So where's the balance? Where's the connection between the two worlds? The one world is very sensory--colors, textures, sounds, tastes, requiring that we unplug from the wall and see where we are, notice what is around us, look each other in the eye and actually touch. The other world is full of information and people, connections, we can find out anything we want from anywhere in the world. We can learn anything and feed our creativity but it requires that we ignore where we are and follow our hearts and minds. 

How do I find the Holy One within it? How do I find my true self within it all? And where do the two worlds meet 

Changing Time

A heart-centered moment changes time. 

I woke up fairly early this morning, around 7 a.m. My first appointment for the day is officially at 11 a.m. As I crawled out of bed doing the math, I figured I'd have time for a leisurely breakfast, a cup tea and some ruminating on life and still have time to get some meeting notes typed up, some papers read and responded to, dishes washed, write a blog, update my calendar and perhaps even brush my teeth and hair. Well, I sat down to write some notes up from a meeting the other night and got caught up in the excitement again of that night. We were brainstorming and dreaming. It was wonderful. The energy seems to come effortless and the clock ticks on by easily when the heart/soul is vibrating in joy. The old adage rings true: Time flies when you're having fun. And that begs the question: Then why aren't we focusing more our life on what brings our hearts joy? Or are we doing that already and just hiding it well behind gloom and doom newscasts?

Contrast this morning with yesterday morning. Yesterday I got up even earlier and checked in at my desk an hour before the office officially opens. I was poised to be efficient and get so much done. And then my computer wouldn't connect with the printer. Problem-solving took over as the morning crawled along. I looked at the clock repeatedly hoping it was now time for lunch so I could excuse myself from the slog of trying to get anything done. It moved slow and I got more and more inefficient as the stress took its toll. so hiding underneath that other adage is this one: Time crawls when you're suffering. Sigh! And yet, this too is part of life. Even in the midst of the gray day, it is a positive thing to hit the wall and move through it to the other side. I did, 9 hours later, eventually get enough done so I could leave the office in peace. But my heart had checked out long before that.

Then there was the other day when I went to visit a friend recovering from surgery. We hadn't seen each other in a while. Three hours passed effortlessly. I didn't even notice lunch time breezing by. I could easily have spent more time but she was tired and so we moved on but I noted how life seems so smooth, so in sync, so effortless when our hearts are all in.

As I get move through life, time seems less and less and less tied to the ticking of a clock and more and more connected to the beating of my heart. Time cannot control us or make us do anything. It simply is a mirror reflecting the longing of our deepest parts. If we let our hearts be all in, we could even possibly travel through time. Hmmm.

uh-oh, I better get going. It's almost time for that appointment.

have a good time,

jules

10/18/13