A CHRISTMAS TEAR

 Not everyone is filled with cheer on the holidays. I just wanted to take time to honor that part of the holiday too, the part that touches those tender spots in our hearts. Here is my attempt at expressing that experience. I send hugs to all those who are grieving and lonely this Christmas. 

A CHRISTMAS TEAR

A tear ran down her cheek

Red patches decorated her face

From rubbing and sobbing

These decorations we often avoid

On holidays and anniversaries

Thinking ourselves incapable of moving on

When in fact every tear is a baptizing of our love

And every rub an effort to hug those we can no longer touch

Grief is a part of the holidays too

A time when those we have loved so deeply and so long

Are more clearly missing from the family gathering

The stark reminder catches our breath

We can no longer ignore what the hearts wants

So we let go a tear or two or fifty

Breathe deeply into that place in our lungs

Our voice offering “I miss you so much”

Our soul relieved to speak the truth in love

Honoring the whole holiday

Not just the cakes and candles and music

But the quiet, dark, sweetness of our grief and longing

And in that moment, we are finally able to light the candle

And let the gift of this relationship still hold us

Allowing the sacredness of this moment to be enough

 

December 25, 2022

Jules Bonde

GRACE ENOUGH--Part 2

The earth beneath your feet has been absorbing the light since the day it was created. 

Stop for a moment and soak some of it up...there's enough for all.

Look out the window and gaze at the beauty of the sky and trees.

Lean into the Love around you.

There's enough love, enough light, enough peace, enough joy for all.

These are the gifts that no economy can take away or produce.

These are the gifts that no war can destroy. 

These are your gifts!

~ Jules Bonde, December 20, 2014

What will you talk about tomorrow?

what if,

like the birches

in the forest,

like the pine

laden with snow,

like the oak

lying dormant in winter with naked branches

what if like the trees you already are

all you need to be?

what if you already

are enough?

what then?

what if you really are

all you need to be?

what if all you need to do

is accept who you are

and allow yourself to be you?

then what?

what will you talk about tomorrow?

February 1, 2019

by Jules (Julie A. Bonde)

The Basement Excavation: the 100th Box!

“Letting go is hard (really hard) but sometimes holding on is harder.” ~ Anonymous quote.

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on” ~ Eckhart Tolle

What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think - or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am? Brene Brown

_______________________________________________________

(NOTE: I did not say last box...I said 100th box!)

Today, just today, I went through my 100^th box! Of the boxes I have gone through, I have emptied 62 boxes! This means that most of those 62 boxes has ended up in the recycling bin by our garbage…and a few have made it to the thrift store. I am 8 weeks in to my commitment to attack 2 boxes per day. Of the boxes that are not empty, an additional 15 are scheduled to be given to other people; mostly old Malagasy books. And though I still have umpteen photo/negatives/slide boxes to go through, I am pausing to celebrate my progress.

Wow! The 100^th box! When I started I was very skeptical about getting even this far. I didn’t even count the boxes past 100 because I never believed I’d make it that far. This is amazing, so miraculous! I am not even sure that I can take credit for it even though I have felt each box in my bones and heart as I’ve sorted and emptied. A lot of tears have been shed. A lot of deep breaths have been let go. There have been many days when the instinct to hold on was stronger than the the need to let go. I can honestly say I am getting better at it though. Little by little I’m beginning to feel the power of letting go like Eckhart Tolle says in his quote (see above). Little by little, I am beginning to notice that along with the stuff, I’m letting go of old definitions of strength, of family, of connections. I’m letting go of what people think, of perceived expectations and focusing more on what I need to do to be healthy, what my family needs. Little by little, I am beginning to believe that my life after this will be freer, lighter; that I won’t be carrying this burden of stuff so I’ll have room to give more of my heart to other adventures.

So I am nearing the end of going through boxes of papers (which were mostly letters and scrapbook savings). Soon I will be going through a couple dozen boxes of old photos/slides/negatives. As I head that direction, I want to offer my gratitude to all of those who have offered me support and understanding in this process. I never dreamed I would get this far. Thank you!

~Jules

A Rainbow of Hope

Some days, the color, 
the light shining
on a blade of grass
is more abundance,
more joy than I can bear
a rainbow of hope
on my path

~jules, 10/6/2015

photo by Julie A. Bonde

BALANCING ON THE TEETER TOTTER OF LIFE

a lot of life seems to be about striking a balance

or surviving whichever end of the teeter totter (seesaw) we happen to be on

we can't all be up at the same time

which also means we can't all be down at the same time

thank balance for that

like the teeter totter
balance doesn't seem to come altogether

often it is in having periods of up
followed by periods of down
and so forth

for years i read hundreds of books and watched hundreds of movies

and now for years i've spent more time writing than reading

more living my own life
then watching someone else's

when i had four little kids to raise full time 

the struggle was to find moments of solitude

then they grew up, moved out
and now to find connection and community

for years I gave my heart too freely, almost spent too much

now my middle-aged body requires more self-care, more self-awareness

for ever wave, there must be an undercurrent that draws back into itself

for ever dollar spent, there must be a dollar earned

for ever mountain, there is a valley somewhere

from stillness comes motion

from noise comes silence

giving moves to receiving

stress moves to creativity or illness

busy goes on vacation

emotion longs for logic

science dances with mystery

idleness longs for purpose

the ebb and flow of life is always in motion

balance is not a static existence

it is a flow from one yoga posture to another

from a glimmer of light, to darkest night

from wakefulness to sleep 

from death to life

every day being born anew

sunrise replacing sunset

and so forth

balance in motion

yin and yang dancing with life

and underneath it all

love and grace flows on

so wherever you are today

may you feel the grace and love to move toward balance
~ jules, 3/9/2015

Caught Between Technology and Reality

October 24, 2013
There seems to be two worlds. The virtual one and the real one. Some days I struggle with the relationship between the two.

I'm not one of those middle-aged people who is afraid of computers or technology. I've always been curious about how things work so I dig in and get involved. Gadgets intrigue me, puzzles compel me. I've taught myself html and excel. I've learned Adobe Photoshop and Indesign. I was one of the first parents to hop on Facebook when my kids started connecting there when they were in college. I had to find out what that was all about. I had no idea it would be us middle-aged folks or baby boomers who would populate the nation of Facebook and then Twitter, Google+, etc. 

I'm also not one of those people who think we need technology to connect. Though I was born in 1959, in many ways, I grew up in the previous century. As a missionary kid growing up in a third world country, we often lived in places without running water or toilets in the house. WE boiled water to make it clean enough to drink and to make our bath water warm. Occasionally I studied by kerosene lamp. For entertainment, we rode bike, walked the beaches, climbed the local mountain and had weekly "talent" shows. we made peanut butter, jelly and ice cream from scratch. It's possible to have everything you need without television, computers, factories or even telephones. 

Sometimes, my soul feels a little trapped between these two lives. I'm grateful for the comforts I now have, clean water, hot showers and streaming Internet that allows me to write this blog, for instance. I love that through the magic of the Internet, I can connect with a great friend in Sweden, stay in touch with acquaintances in Italy and see updates of news and pictures from my homeland, Madagascar. But I also feel a little trapped by the technology. If I don't keep up with the break-neck speed at which it all develops, will I be left behind by my friends? Some days by the time I have answered all the emails and text messages, I don't have any energy left to use my hands to pick up my guitar and play a song or spend some times cleaning up the clutter in my room. It worries me. There are days that I long for that life without electricity, where it was all so real, where our bodies worked with our minds to make it all happen. 

So where's the balance? Where's the connection between the two worlds? The one world is very sensory--colors, textures, sounds, tastes, requiring that we unplug from the wall and see where we are, notice what is around us, look each other in the eye and actually touch. The other world is full of information and people, connections, we can find out anything we want from anywhere in the world. We can learn anything and feed our creativity but it requires that we ignore where we are and follow our hearts and minds. 

How do I find the Holy One within it? How do I find my true self within it all? And where do the two worlds meet 

How Writing Saved My Life

She lived an invisible life

Hiding behind a shy facade

Hoping to not rock any boats 

with her passion for swaying

Longing for a way to say

how much she loved

Then one day the teacher said, "write"

Her pen hit the paper

Gradually word by word, 

Day by day, year by year

She became visible, alive

And now when I look in the mirror

I can see her plainly

And it makes me laugh.

Jules (January 18, 2014)

A blessing for All Saints Day

November 1, 2013--all Saints' Day

The definition of "saint" according to dictionary.com is "a person of great virtue, holiness, and benevolence." Well then I had to look up virtue, holiness and benevolence.Then words like "moral excellence, goodness, righteousness" and "sacred, pious, devote" and "charitable, kind." Wow! How does any one human or otherwise, manage all that?!? Do you suddenly feel as if an impenetrable brick wall is before you? If so, you are in good company. Even many of the so called saints have had those same feelings. The truth is we are all saints and sinners...and even more than that, we are stew...made up of all the parts, onions, meat, root vegetables, greens, spices and water. In fact it is when we throw all the parts together that a delicious stew is created. Perhaps that could be the definition of saint...a person who has become delicious stew.

Anyway, however you feel about your holiness, here is a blessing for you this day:

Oh sweet and messy one
May the fog lift so you can see

May the guilt fall through the cracks

May your disappointment melt into the ground

As your wings stretch out and unfurl

And your heart opens to the morning sun

A fresh new day, each day a fresh new you being born

Perhaps life is nothing more than that

A series of short (24 hour) lives in which

Stretching your arms out wide

and singing yourself a tune

You experience the joy of testing flight

The delight of tasting the delicious messiness of the stew

All the onions and veggies, meat and water mixed together

My dear and wonderful human being

All of you is love and loved

You are delicious stew

All of you

blessings on you,

jules

THIS NEW DAY

Monday, October 14, 2013

I LOVE mornings! This is something that I inherited from my parents. I know this because the few times I've had reunions with my siblings, all of us have been awake and drinking tea by 7:30 am. and this is in spite of the fact that they are much older than me so we weren't growing up in the same decade. Of course, with mom and dad it was coffee but the same idea. My dad would often start his day with reading his Bible. Little did I know then, that he too had a contemplative nature. He was a pastor and often preached about the dailiness of the spiritual life. He would say that each day we were born anew to begin again with a fresh and clean slate. So no matter what had passed the day before, it was forgiven and gone. And I felt that. Generally speaking, Mom and Dad did not hold grudges. They held worries but not grudges. We were forgiven and life moved on. I think that's part of why I love mornings so much. Each day is a new beginning. 

Certainly, this does not make me lovable to all those who crawled out of bed grudgingly this morning. I know that some of you have so much pain in your body, the idea of moving in the morning is a daunting thing. I know that some of you will start this day starving for sleep that you were unable to embrace for any number of reasons. I know that some of you are carrying such grief or trauma, another day of carrying on also seems more of a challenge than any move can muster. Even I have sore, plantarfaciitus/arthritic feet that scream when I first step on them in the morning. I too have concerns and a to-do list that are bigger than this day. Each person carries a load with them. Life can be hard and another day of it can seem impossible.

Still, I invite you to consider that this new day has new possibilities. I invite you to consider that yesterday's mistakes and guffaws really are forgiven, that no grudge is being held against you. You are free to begin again in whatever small or large way you can. And you are loved and adored even if today all you do is just sit and listen to music or watch the leaves fall. 

I invite you to consider that this day is your precious gift and you are one of this day's precious gifts. Not only are you enough for this day, you are also a gift to this day. For sure you are one of the gifts of my day.

so just breathe. 

I am grateful you are here. Thank you.

And, thanks for reading.

love, jules

Be Careful

be careful not to judge too quickly

a book by its cover

the outcome of a day by its weather

the size of the heart by the clothes on their back

the possibility for gifts from the darkness

in this world, anything is possible

be care-full

jules 9/26/13

Movement

it's on my mind, it's on my heart
but that doesn't necessarily mean it happens

still, the dream ignites,

passion provides fuel

and eventually something begins to form

change is always happening

but some change is slow motion

like watching an oak tree grow

some change is explosion

like a volcano creates a mountain in a day

some burns like a forest fire

while another is pressure until it gives

creating tremors for miles around

still other change is a gentle breeze

that softly blows the dandelion seeds off

and carries them along

until they find soil

even if it might not happen

it probably will

in one way or another

because change is the constant we know to be truth

if i just let it flow in the way that it needs to

dreams, love, passion,

movement

life

~jules, 9/12/13

People

Eyes that sparkle and shine
Or ache to be seen
Ears that giggle at the sounds they hear
Or cringe from the too sharp noise
Noses that wrinkle up at the stench
or twitch with glee
Tongues that savor the flavor of chocolate
Or stick their tips out in distaste
Hands that work hard, wringing each other in desparation
or reach out and with just a gentle touch
Lift all the burdens of the world off another's shoulders
Thoughts that can encompass the universe
Invent the magical, overcome the impossible
Words and notes that sing of the angels, of God and Love
Words that challenge and sometimes damage
People
I LOVE people

newborns and toddlers
grandpas and grandmas
wobbly old man with the cane
the cranky old woman with dementia
the bossy middle-aged lady empowered with her wisdom
curious grade-school kids
questioning teenagers
young adults with ideals and hearts and energy to change the world
lonely people forgotten and scared
presidents and queens
actresses and secretaries
singers and pastors
nurses, bus drivers, street sweepers
nannies, artists,  programmers
family, friends, loved ones
co-workers and partners
teachers, mentors, therapists
advisors, listeners, coaches
people
I LOVE people

Today I cry with the deep love for people
with the sensitive compassion for the suffering
with gratitude for the abundance of people
People

~sending my love, Jules
August 13, 2013

there is no future, without love

there is no future, without love

stopped in my tracks
distracted by thoughts
pondering politics and hurricanes
damns on rivers and whales
health care and welfare
growth and progress
oil being squeezed out of rock
working four jobs to get enough
always wondering how much is enough
enough time, enough money,


watching the leaves blow down the street
looking up at the naked trees
feeling the coming winter in my bones
long shadows crossing my path
pulling the scarf around me
wrapping myself inward
pausing in my 'busy' life
to wonder about being enough and
to  repeat a prayer i heard today
"there is no future without love"


(jules, 11/1/12)