The Basement Excavation: the 100th Box!

“Letting go is hard (really hard) but sometimes holding on is harder.” ~ Anonymous quote.

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on” ~ Eckhart Tolle

What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think - or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am? Brene Brown

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(NOTE: I did not say last box...I said 100th box!)

Today, just today, I went through my 100^th box! Of the boxes I have gone through, I have emptied 62 boxes! This means that most of those 62 boxes has ended up in the recycling bin by our garbage…and a few have made it to the thrift store. I am 8 weeks in to my commitment to attack 2 boxes per day. Of the boxes that are not empty, an additional 15 are scheduled to be given to other people; mostly old Malagasy books. And though I still have umpteen photo/negatives/slide boxes to go through, I am pausing to celebrate my progress.

Wow! The 100^th box! When I started I was very skeptical about getting even this far. I didn’t even count the boxes past 100 because I never believed I’d make it that far. This is amazing, so miraculous! I am not even sure that I can take credit for it even though I have felt each box in my bones and heart as I’ve sorted and emptied. A lot of tears have been shed. A lot of deep breaths have been let go. There have been many days when the instinct to hold on was stronger than the the need to let go. I can honestly say I am getting better at it though. Little by little I’m beginning to feel the power of letting go like Eckhart Tolle says in his quote (see above). Little by little, I am beginning to notice that along with the stuff, I’m letting go of old definitions of strength, of family, of connections. I’m letting go of what people think, of perceived expectations and focusing more on what I need to do to be healthy, what my family needs. Little by little, I am beginning to believe that my life after this will be freer, lighter; that I won’t be carrying this burden of stuff so I’ll have room to give more of my heart to other adventures.

So I am nearing the end of going through boxes of papers (which were mostly letters and scrapbook savings). Soon I will be going through a couple dozen boxes of old photos/slides/negatives. As I head that direction, I want to offer my gratitude to all of those who have offered me support and understanding in this process. I never dreamed I would get this far. Thank you!

~Jules

The Basement Excavation: Remembering Mom and Dad

Case #3: Remembering Mom and Dad

The other day I was sorting though another old box of my mom's. She had old letters, school programs; a chaos of papers. She used to save everything we ever did, every letter we wrote, everything. I came accross a card I made for my parents for their 30th anniversary. It was exquisite in both design and content. I was professing my love and gratitude to them for the gift of family they had given me. It undid me. I remembered how much I loved them and how much I miss them. Mom and Dad weren't perfect but I do believe I learned about love from them, real love. I wish with all my heart and body that I could tell them how I've lived in that love and used it. Oh the ache of that moment and the sweetness of knowing I had given them a gift in return, of gratitude. I didn't get much done the rest of that day. Perhaps I won't throw that card just yet.

Sometimes I wish, really wish that Mom hadn't saved everything, that she had let go. But that day, I was grateful. And I know her well enough to know she let go of plenty. Sigh!

Update:

AS of today, March 10th, I have gone through 66 boxes. 40 of those boxes have been emptied. some have been reused to haul things away to recycling or the thrift shop. In addition I've unloaded 4 big bags of clothes. Lots of tears have been shed as I face old family baggage that I've avoided for a LONG Time (at least 15 years). They have been therapeutic tears though exhausting at times. Today there are no tears and I'm grateful for that too. Today I just feel good to still be in it, to have not given up yet.

I've been saying that the word for the year is CLEAR. I love that you can interpret this in a number of ways. i'm still waiting for a sweet mission statement to come out of this, a nice statement of intention that makes the purpose all CLEAR.

I am praying and yearning for God's guidance and wisdom in all of this. If I let go of the old family stuff, will I better be able to handle the truth of family that is NOW? i hope so. and will I find renewed energy to pursue other dreams? I hope so.

Gratitude:  Many thanks to those friends, I think you know who you are, who have been so supportive of me during this project. I am so grateful! ~ jules