Let's Keep Singing

My deepest desire is to sing in harmony with all that is within me and around me. I want the notes that are my life to create a harmonious vibration with yours. This desire is sometimes hard to live with; sometimes I lose my voice, sometimes I get off the beat and lose my place; sometimes I lose your voice; sometimes all I can hear is the cacophonous noise of my own doubting and fearing heart. In those dissonant moments I cringe, my chest gets tight and it is tempting to just stop singing, to stop trying to live in harmony. But if we can just hang in there a little bit longer, the dissonance resolves itself and we find ourselves singing harmony once again. And what a sweet song that is when we get there. Whether today is a dissonant day or a harmonious day, let’s keep singing. I can’t carry this tune without you.

in gratitude for your voice,

 jules

long distance love

for years my heart tingled each time I met her
that old friend of mine, the sea,
for it was then I thought you might be watching
the same moon rise
your toes wiggling in the sand
and feeling me reach you
on your distant shore
in the waves

now that we are both inland
will the wind suffice
to whisper my heart
in your ear
and remind you
I love you still?

The Gift of the Lonely Day

I wrote my last post a couple weeks ago on a day when all of the loneliness came crashing in around me; all the grief and sadness, all the loss. I just took a bath in my tears that day. It was definitely a superb pity-party and all just for me; kinda self-centered of me. But something wonderful came from that day.

In the middle of the day, I was eating lunch in my car alone from a hill overlooking the city. Even though it was midday, I was already exhausted from the tears. As I looked on the city I have lived in and loved for three decades I was thinking about all the wonderful people I know who live here; all the beautiful people. My my mind wandered through the list and then stopped for a moment on one particular friend; a friend I had been disconnected from for years. I had tried several times in different ways to get her to meet with me; always leaving it in her court, "let me know when you want to get together." Each time, nothing happened. Each time, I got more discouraged. But I couldn't shake the longing to be reconnected.

Then suddenly I had a new thought. Here I am lonely, sad and sobbing away and I've got nothing to lose, at least not at this moment! I mean if I try one more time and she says, "no!" will I feel worse? So I grabbed my cell phone and sent her a text. "you want to get together for lunch some time?" And she said YES. so two days later, I found myself having lunch with my old friend. It was amazing. The years have changed us both. the losses have changed us both but there was beauty and joy in the connection.  I was suddenly so grateful for that moment of despair a few days earlier and for the whisper of wisdom to try one more time with no expectation of succeeding. And I was grateful for "texting" on my cell phone that it possible for me to invite her in the simplest of fashions.

Conclusion: though it is hard to see the benefit when swimming in your own lake of darkness, there often is grace and gift in giving in to our vulnerability, to our weakness.

Blessing: may you, my dear friends, return from your dark days with "fists full of jewels." (from Barbara McAfee's song) May your tears be the rain that quenches your thirsty soul, may your grief turn to joy and grace.

Blessings on you all,

jules