MORNING CONVERSION

The journey from dark to dawn is so gradual.  It's hardly noticeable at all.  It is difficult to pinpoint the exact moment when we would call it light.  When did it stop being dark?  Was it when the sky got just light enough to begin to see the silhouette of the trees against it?  Was it when I began to see blue streaks?  It isn't until the sun rises full on the horizon that I am absolutely sure the day has come.

I think most conversion experiences are like that.  We’ve been in the dark so long, looking for the light.  Then one day, perhaps years down the road, we realize the day has come.  We are no longer in the dark.  And we can't remember at exactly what moment we stopped thinking so much about the dark and living more in the light.  It just happens.

That's what my recovery from Hans' death and my midlife crisis has been like.  I'm not sure when I stopped being that other person and became this one--the woman who wants to grab life, the woman who feels so empowered and strong, the woman who is so grateful for everything. When did I stop wanting to be passive?  When did I stop hiding under the covers? When did I begin using my true voice? All I know is that the sun has come up on the horizon.  It is morning!  I am now a child of the light and I want to live in that light!

Maybe this is happening to you.  It is frustrating because you want to know the exact moment when you can leave the darkness behind. Sometimes, it seems we dance in the dawn, the place between light and dark, for years before we are ready to move on. I just hope you can take comfort in knowing that the dawn is surely coming and with it will come the realization that you too are a child of the light.

© Julie A. Bonde, 2006