It just sort of creeped into my thoughts yesterday. I really want nothing. I don't really care if I have money. I don't need to have new clothes. I don't need fame. I don't need to be top dog. I don't need to be better than everyone else or than anyone else. I don't need my own room or my own closet. Ownership is not important. I really want to be empty. I have too many things, too much to keep track of and be responsible for. And all of it has a way of weighing me down and holding me back from total freedom. I watched the movie "Clare & Francis" the other day about St. Francis of Assisi and St. Clare of Assisi. St. Francis gave up everything including the clothes on his body to follow Christ. Though he lived a hard life, he was also known for living a joyful one. As I watched I could see how the freedom of things was also the freedom of responsibility for those things. Of course it is not as simple as that but I wondered how it would feel to truly want nothing and be free.
Of course, what I really want is everything. I want energy and love to overflowing. I want to be so filled with light that I can't help but give joy. I want to have enough money, clothing, shelter to support my family, send my boys to college and help them create their own homes. I want to travel to the ends of the earth and have time to sit with friends and strangers praying and talking and singing about peace and love and hope. I want to gather my family, the one that is spread to the other side of the globe that we might find that deep love we need from each other. And if i could have left overs I have more people i would want to share with. I want to be thinner in my body. I want to be healthy enough to follow my passions for another 50 years. But all of these things, though honorable desires, bring with them work, struggle, responsibility.
My geography professor at Dana College, used to say that there was one rule that you could count on for the way the earth works, "there ain't no free lunch." I've discovered that applies to pretty much everything...including most relationships. But Love isn't Love if there is a charge is it? or is it the other way around? Love isn't Love if it didn't cost you something.
I really don't want anything. and I really want everything because I want no less than fierce love...to give and to live in. Am I asking too much? or am I not asking enough?
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