Okay, so that's a big title implying a research paper or something. I'm not interested in such a lengthy study. It's just that I went to a wedding yesterday afternoon. It was lovely. The couple was gorgeous (mag-cover gorgeous). It was a celebration befitting even the classiest of classy brides complete with a sweeter than sweet 2 1/2 year old flower girl (daughter of the bride and groom), twin ring bearers, tuxes, satin dresses, toasts, dancing, cake (in 7 flavors), and a toss of the bouquet and the garter. It was easy to get the impression that the sweet young family will live happily ever after. And it was fun to indulge in the joy of this happily ever after thought. I pray it is so for this couple.
Meantime I have been hearing more than my fair share of sad and abusive marriage stories lately. The most recent of these stories surfaced at yesterdays celebratory wedding reception. An amazingly attentive and wise mom told me of her 20-something child getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage. I went home with mixed reviews. How can I be happy for the one couple while still encountering this other young adult's broken heart within my own? And what I wondered is, what is there about our mythology of marriage and weddings that leads a young person to believe that they should suffer their own soul in order to have this fairytale? And what is the fairy tale? And what is it we and those wide-eyed young people are seeking? Some of my slightly older and more experienced 30 something friends know that it is intimacy they seek and that they are not sure how to get it without giving up all of their hard earned personal freedom. My 40 and 50 something friends are beginning to realize that the hard earned personal freedom is empty without the compromise that intimate relationships require. And many of them are also just getting to where they can compromise without losing themselves in the process.
This relationship stuff is messy spirituality indeed. Yes, it is spirituality. Nothing comes closer to our spirits and our relationship with God than the most intimate of human relationships we have. These humans we live with challenge our self-esteem, our purpose, our ability to trust and our courage to move through life without having any reassurance that any of it will be worth it. Yes, marriage is messy as are many weddings in spite of the beautiful show. It takes compromise, communication and constant attention to keep the friendship going. When it works, it's worth every second of compromise. But what of those that don't work?
How, after such betrayal from the person we love the most can we learn to trust others again, not to mention ourselves? And what is there to look forward to if weddings and marriages are just farces or fairytales at bes? And how do stop all this nonsense when we are hard-wired to connect with our others and our God? And how do I console my young friends? how do I help them find healing and forgiveness within and in the precarious world around them after the fairy-tale has died along with their broken hearts? How even do I encourage my own sons to get married at all?
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