About Freedom

What does it mean to be free?

I started out knowing at my birth that I was loved. At first there was just me and Mom and Dad because my siblings were all off at boarding school by then. I was their brilliant surprise last baby (the youngest of six) when Mom and Dad were in their 40’s. They were overjoyed. It was clear I was welcome and that they were happy to have me. I was born free with love.

Then Judgment and Fear, Expectations and Misunderstanding moved in like some nasty controlling aunts and uncles. They said, “Whoa Missy! You just hold on there. What makes you think they will still love if you fail this test? Are you sure they love you? When was the last time you heard from them? When was the last time they actually told you they loved you? Listen here little miss cutie, you better get straight A’s and you better be good and you better do what they say or else!”

It’s hard to know how those liars got so much power. I think some of that came from seeing how much power they had over my parents; especially my mom. Judgment stood over her shoulder like an unrelenting soldier guarding the palace of Guilt. All her life she lived in fear of not being enough. She was always industriously working to ward off some invisible, impending punishment. I remember being really sad in my twenties when this truth really hit me. I had this sudden realization that Mom never quite felt that full on grace that Dad was always preaching about on Sunday mornings. As Mom took her last breaths, my husband and I sang “Jesus Loves Me” to her one more time and I could feel the sentinel begin to shake. About a half hour after she died, I had this sudden feeling of complete joy and elation. I knew Judgment had crumpled and Mom was free. Some of my own chains fell as well.

Even so, not all of my chains were inherited. I cannot blame Mom’s experience for all of it. Some of the Judgment and Fear I felt was put there or collected by me along the way. These are links in the chains I've added from a junkyard full of old adages and beliefs made up of Christian, Conservative, and American values mixed with messy family and peer relationships and occasional personal mishaps. Out of all this trash, I've managed to come with more than a few doomsday credos of “I can’t!” and “I’ll never!” and “Ah Shit!” I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think a great number of people come up with the idea that they are never going to measure up and that is just how life is.

Nevertheless, I suspect I am freer than most. Each day a bright sun rises out of the darkness and a breath of Spirit blows the dust off my sorry heart. Whether conscious of it or not, I hear a gentle voice whisper, “You are loved! There is nothing you can do to be loved more and nothing you can fail to do to be loved less. You are just loved!” I believe this is God’s voice, LOVE itself longing for all of us to be included. Even on days when I march forward in a fog of thought, I know this is true. And therein lies my freedom. God’s everlasting love frees me. Daily the chains are removed as I lean into this voice. I will die as I was born; in the freedom of this knowledge that I am loved, that I have loved and that LOVE will continue to carry me forward. I am free, I am free, I am free!

~jules, based on a journal entry in 2012