Panic

Here it comes again! that "life is short" slap,
That "What if" PANIC
Chest is tight. My stomach is tied in knots.
Heart won't stop pounding.
Body hurts, Soul is weary
I'm in panic mode....feel like I'm falling apart, feel like I have failed yet again.

How is it that I keep reaching out to love and end up hurting you and me?
How can I show you that when you stub your toe, mine aches?
That when you hide away, I suddenly am missing a piece of me?
I don't know what to do. I can't make the aching stop.
And if I don't make it stop,
I will be hurting you yet again as you feel my pain.
Oh the cruel joke of fear! None of it is based on truth and
yet we all believe it so readily.
I want to scream that LOVE can't be gotten rid of so easily.
I want to shout that I LOVE you with all my heart
Please don't leave just yet,

My hands are shaking; my resolve is too,
What happened to that warrior princess I was just
a day or two ago,
the one who conquered doubt with bold defiance?
the one who was sure she could handle anything?
My body falls limp with the thought
of the overwhelming list of what must be done
to be well, to recapture health and well-being
But life is to short not to try

I am pleading now with God
To let you be so happy that
Sorrow no longer touches you.
so that pain no longer lives in you
I am pleading for you life to be filled with beauty
I know it is a selfish plea
your happiness will increase mine
But I ask for it still

And I am pleading for my own well-being
Body is falling apart at the seams
Buttons flying and zippers getting stuck
Hurting from toe to crown
Hip is out, bursitis has set in, palms sweaty,
I'm pleading for skilled healers to come my way
for enough courage and strength to climb this mountain
for the jewels to be revealed in this darkness
Please catch me when I jump
Please hold me when I let go
Please give me one more chance
to breathe peace and beauty into the world

And then I let go, tears streaming down my face
and through the miracle of LOVE
your awkward faith catches me as I fall
My messy heart celebrates your light amidst the pain
Your tenderness and bravery in holding me
Lifting me up once again
As you and I each take the next step
On this journey we call LOVE.

(footnote: some days are just like this...Panic, Pain, and Peace all dancing together between your heart and mine, between Joy and Fear, because life is short.  And so it is...jules)