"You're so social these days Jules. You didn't used to be." my good friend noted the other day on the phone as we talked about life. She was right. I have changed my mode of operation. What is odd is that both behaviors come from the same place in my heart, the same gift. This particular gift is my very strong desire to be in loving relationship with others...to share the love I know is ours, to love and be loved without judgment, with fear. This strong desire has led me to hide away and to boldly go where no one has gone before.
For years, I kept my guard for fear of rejection, for fear of mistake, for fear of abandonment. Surely if they really knew me, they would leave...was my early interpretation of relationship. There was a lot of leaving of people in my childhood. Then one day a few years ago (as in my mid 40's), after much whining and pouting about how no one ever invites me to things, no one ever calls me, I had a great epiphany! Hahaha, it makes me laugh now because this epiphany could have been said by any parent anywhere. Instead it came from within. Suddenly I knew this simple truth...I could stay at home and pout and cry about being lonely or I could call people up and arrange to be with them. I could let myself be loved wherever I could find love. And so the "change" that my friend was calling out began to occur. To many now I appear very social and no where near the "shy" label that I grew up with. I love people! I don't like them all (indeed some are very irritating) but I love the adventure of meeting people and now that I have given myself permission to not wait for them to call me, I get to meet many, many more people than before. It brings so much pleasure to my life. A few have actually come to be those friends that I can count on to not leave. What a gift that is!
So right from the beginning, this gift of love and relationship brought with it curse and blessing. And now it seems I have solved it? WRONG! I still find my shadow self and my light self standing side by side on this issue. Our shoulders touch just as physical shadow touches our feet. The light side of this endless bounty of love is always touching the dark side of this fear that I can never love enough or be good enough to be loved. On my good days, my lap is big enough to hold a dozen friends. On my bad days, I'm still hiding in my closet with the doors closed wondering if I'll ever get it right. How is it that someone who has come to enjoy companionship so much, who has so many wonderful people to cherish and admire, can still have moments when she feels so unlovable? It seems that no matter how "good" or "light" we get, the mystery of our need for God's mysterious unconditional love is still blowing through our lungs. We can taste the rich chocolate dessert and appreciate its wonderful texture but we can't consume the whole thing and really take in the depth of this wonderful mystery of love. It is a blessing. It is a curse. And it is always a gift.. I pray that we can all stay open to it as we ride the waves of this love.
May you find your gifts to be gifts even on your cursing days! May you have many more blessing days than cursing days!
hugs,
jules
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