LIKE A LEAF—a reflection of FALL 2020

It’s fall, the season of colors and falling leaves. Fall is an apt name for it as it does kind of feel like we are falling, that I am falling into the darkness. The days shorten as we pass the equinox and head into the long nights on the dark side of our year. This year, with my breast cancer amidst the context of COVID isolation, I feel like I fell into the darkness long before fall came. My body’s functions are at the mercy of the poisons in the chemotherapy administered each week. From my bones to my organs and my skin; everything is working less well. The darkness has moved into my body and my spirit sometimes feels like a dried up leaf in the pile on the lawn. Once vibrant with the colors showing through, I am now just wrinkled and delicate brown wrapper close to crumbling into dust. And what is that dust but compost for the next life? At least I hope this is so.  I hope that dust settles into my roots and provides nourishment for a new life for me.

I’ve been watching the leaves closely this year and taking lots of pictures of them before, during and after that fall. My fascination with the process is endless. I notice things like how the whole tree doesn’t change all at once, how not even all the trees of the same species change at the exact same moment. The journey is specific to each one. In fact each leaf goes through a gradual process of changing color so that for awhile they are multi-colored with some on the tree being farther along then others. and I notice they hold their vibrant color for awhile even after they fall and before they turn brown and delicate. And all of it causes me to wonder how does the change happen in me. How do I fall? What is my process for change? Am I, like the leaf, part of the cycle of the season?

I have this impression that the leaves fall so gently from the tree, that it is a peaceful experience but my cancer has been a painful, sometimes lonely, struggle. It is not what I would  describe as peaceful. Rather I’d describe it as chaotic and sometimes painful. Perhaps this is more so because I fight it. I am doing all I can to hang on to the tree still, even as another and another leaf fall and another and another part of my body gets affected. Perhaps it is this clinging that causes my experience of the fall to be suffering. Maybe the leaf falls gently because it does not resist it just allows the process to happen. It has had a good life on the tree and even had a glorious moment of glowing with all the deep colors from within. So what am I to do? Cling to the life I know and show my colors or let go, allow the wind to carry me gently to the ground?  I feel the fight still to hang on but I want to be like a leaf, to allow the compost to fall and become the dust that will bring new life next year, the return of the greening and growth.

It brings to mind this song “When I Rise” that I learned in song circle. It is based on a quote by Wendell Berry. This is an aural tradition song so lyrics have been added over the years by different people and even two different tunes have been created. I apologize for not knowing who to give credit for these particular lyrics. These lyrics, and this song, speaks deeply to where I want to be in my soul as I fall even deeper into the darkness of this year 2020—deeper into fighting cancer, deeper into the isolation and worry of COVID 19 virus and deeper into the uncertainty of our country’s leadership. These are the words that I hope to live into. These are the experiences that I hope will carry me into the new life that waits for me next year, the new life that waits for us all.

HERE ARE VARIOUS LYRICS TO "WHEN I RISE" 

When I rise, Let me rise
Like a bird, Joyfully 

When I fall, Let me fall

Like a leaf, Gracefully

Without regret

While I live, Let me live

Like a river, Flowing free

When I pass on, To the next place

My love will be, Eternally

When I stand, let me stand,

Like a tree, strong and tall,

And when I lie, let me lie,

Like a lake, reflecting all.

When I resist, I will resist,
Like the sea, relentlessly.

And when I speak, I will speak,

like the wind, loud and free

If you'd like to hear one version of this song, CLICK ON THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO.

To see a photo album with more fall colors--CLICK HERE AND ENJOY THE LEAVES!