Loneliness seeps into the cracks of my doubt on those days when the space between loving grace and generous giving are too wide. I fight loneliness with all my being. It is my weakness, my arthritis, my Achilles's tendon. On days when a cold indifferent shoulder is the nearest thing to human contact that I can find and I have not yet moved on to the next action of returned gratitude, that's when loneliness sneaks into my view eclipsing the sunshine of friendship and creativity that is ever shining around me.
I get lonely so easily; more easily in my fifties than ever before. The fact of people leaving is too real. I do my best to keep the goodbyes and hellos in balance but i'm not in control. Every goodbye, every hello is a relationship that takes at least two people to make happen. People leave for all kinds of reasons of their own; most of them not intended to hurt those left behind; death, cancer, dementia, new jobs, kids going off to their own lives, personal growth, life changes, accidents, disease, faith, school. My brain knows it is unreasonable to ask for an explanation from each person that leaves OR to be able to stay in relationship with everyone who has ever come my way. And yet, my heart seems to notice the separations on those days when I fall in the gap between love and grace. It's no one's fault. Life is goodbye, life is hello, life is goodbye again.
These lonely days start innocently with something like wanting to honor the anniversary of the death of my wonderful son Hans who died at age eleven of brain cancer (12 years ago now) and then suddenly the loneliness has spiraled out of control making me feel as if I will always be left behind. I hate it when that brief reminder of grief, in a sudden grandiose movement. captures in all the goodbyes I've ever experienced. That's just way too much and for a day it rips open all my reserves, flooding my Kleenex box with tears. Even in the middle of it I wonder if there is any sanity in grief, in loneliness.What am I to do? life will keep being goodbye and hello and the older i get, the more I will get to say goodbye. Sigh! What is a vulnerable heart to do?
Yesterday was such a day, a day to feel how alone it is to be human. I cried until I was exhausted. At the end of my day I was spent and giving up, hoping a night of sleep would bring me to new clear day. Just as I was on my last cry of the day two things happened. the first was that the phone rang; my sister called and recognizing my sorrow helped me to laugh again. The second was a whisper in my heart; a voice whispering "you are my beloved." Aaaaah! Balm for my tired heart!
And then one more sweet thing happened. A friend sent a message to remind me that we had plans today! So today I wake with a little grief hangover and a heaping dose of love filling my heart. I am living in grace once again.
Dear reader, If today is your day of feeling as if all is lost, that you are alone in your journey, I pray that when your grief is spent, you too will hear that precious voice whispering in your heart " you are my beloved." . I pray too that your phone will ring and call you back to your graceful life. I pray this with all my heart for I know you are as loved as me or as any of us. You are beloved!
sending hugs,
jules
No comments:
Post a Comment