A reason to be

"What's the point?! I'm nobody really! I'll never have enough money or be known enough to be a successful author or anything! I might as well give up my book!" These were my words shouted to my husband and the air as I left the house to go lead a contemplative song circle this afternoon. What a joke! I was in no mood to be contemplative or lead others in prayerful singing! I tried to calm myself as I drove to my destination. The irony of it all had a sting to it! No one showed up to sing! I couldn't help but add this to my list; I wasn't good enough for this either. It truly was a "feel sorry for myself" moment. Sigh!

I decided to play some chants on the CD player while I made sure no one would show. And as I listened to the words..."Oh, I open to you," and "Let go, God is All" my frustration faded. And then came the words, "Darkness, Silence, with no light to be seen, help me believe you are with me God.". Note by note, word by word, I re-membered why I wanted to lead the contemplative singing. I remembered why I love meditation and prayer and silence.

Being with the Holy One in close conversation gives me reason to be, to just be. God instantly wrapped arms of love around my worn heart and gently whispered into my tired mind..."you are loved! I will love you forever!" For a moment I got all excited about the next time I get to share this practice of meditation with others. Songs from everywhere came pouring out my mouth.

After forty minutes I decided I had waited long enough and found my center. I packed it all up and went home, grateful now that no one had come. It gave me time to be with the Beloved. It gave me a reason to be.

Once I got home, I went back to the struggle of whether to play the game or give up the fight to be successful at anything. I seemed to need to rant a little more about how unfair life is and then I heard the chorus again..."Let go, God is all!" I heard the whisper, "just be, it is enough." I wish I could tell you there are no doubts in me but I can't. I can tell you that the whisper of the Holy One makes me breathe much easier than the reason of the world's success.

 So, I'm going to sleep in those arms and take up my struggle another day.

Peace, jules